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Original poster

DP turning up without warning

57 replies

ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 15:45

How do people normally arrange seeing their DP's if they don't live together? I have been with mine for nearly 2 years. On some days DP will either text me late afternoon and say he is coming over or sometimes he just turns up. On days where I think he may be coming over I then find out later that day that he is seeing his DC (he has them every other weekend and ad hocs days in the week which he doesn't necessarily share with me). It makes me feel like I can not plan as I never know if he is coming over or not and if I then do something myself and he decides to come over that day he gets a bit cross that I'm unavailable. Does anyone have any ideas how to sort this going forward? I have mentioned this before but it is still happening. Other than this we have never had any issues!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 15:48

Reading back, 'a bit cross' probably isn't the best description of his reaction. Surprised may be a better one!

OP posts:
LilyLongJohn · 01/09/2020 15:49

If he doesn't give you a definite time or date, and just turns up, then he has absolutely no right to get cross with you.

However. If he has arranged a day to see you and he simply doesn't turn up (for whatever reason), and hasn't told you, YOU then have a right to be cross.

But it does sound like you try to anticipate when he'll arrive. Stop doing this, if he's not given you a time or date, then presume he's not coming over and make plans. You can't live your life in a constant state of readiness for his arrival.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 15:51

@ChairInTheSun

Reading back, 'a bit cross' probably isn't the best description of his reaction. Surprised may be a better one!
OMG you don't drop everything because the King arrives? Horrified I tell you.

I'd be busy every single time he does this. Very. Single. Time. He'll soon learn.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/09/2020 15:52

Tell him very clearly, ie do not hint (!!), that you would like to stick to pre-arranged times for him to come over. That you do not like surprises and that it is important that you are able to make plans with your friends or just relax by yourself.

If he wants ad hoc arrangement with his kids that;s fine but you do not like ad hoc arrangments so it needs to be different for you two.

But be clear!

Thisisnotnormal69 · 01/09/2020 15:54

As others have said!! He really thinks he’s special, doesn’t he..

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/09/2020 15:55

You're not a drop in centre!
Set some boundaries so you know where you are.

Smallsteps88 · 01/09/2020 15:55

It makes me feel like I can not plan as I never know if he is coming over or not and if I then do something myself and he decides to come over that day he gets a bit cross that I'm unavailable.

He’s out of line.

How to sort it. Arrange your social life as you please, if he decides to come over on a day you are busy you tell him to suck it up buttercup- you don’t exist to be available at his convenience. He can either book you in advance or take his chances.

latticechaos · 01/09/2020 15:56

I also would be busy a lot more now. I wouldn't like this at all! What do you do if he turns up on a night you don't want to see him?

Alexandernevermind · 01/09/2020 15:57

Uhh, I hate drop-inners. They think they are the only ones whose time is precious and of course you'll drop everything because he darkens your doorway.
Tell him he needs to let you know if he is coming over, even if it's just a quick text along the lines of "I'll be with you in 10 minutes?".

Welshgal85 · 01/09/2020 15:59

I agree with what others have said. When me and DP were dating we just agreed each week which days we would see each other. I certainly wouldn’t have waited around and not made other plans just on the off chance he wanted to come over. If we didn’t have plans already then I would just carry on and make my own plans with friends etc. Surely he doesn’t expect you to be waiting around in case he decides to come over on a whim! You have a life outside of the relationship

bluecoffeecups · 01/09/2020 16:00

On the days he just turns up... I'm wondering whether it's mainly because he can't be bothered to cook his own dinner.

So he's taken aback (and probably a bit miffed) when he arrives unexpectedly and finds you busy. What is it that he is expecting then - that you sit there with bated breath in case he decides to turn up?

You can't live your life in a constant state of readiness for his arrival.
^ This.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2020 16:01

How do people normally arrange seeing their DP's if they don't live together?

The normal way would be for one of you to contact the other and say 'What are you doing on X day? Do you fancy meeting up/going for a meal/coming over?' Or, at the end of a date/weekend, you make arrangements for the next time.

When your b/f (he's hardly a partner) comes round, what do you do? Do you go out? Do you ever go to his? Do you drop everything for him?

Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 16:03

@latticechaos If he turns up on a day that I wanted to spend myself then I won't be spending it on my own Confused

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 16:04

[quote ChairInTheSun]@latticechaos If he turns up on a day that I wanted to spend myself then I won't be spending it on my own Confused[/quote]
Tell us you will from now on.

You are teaching him how you expect to be treated. Expect more.

SpaceOP · 01/09/2020 16:04

Why aren't you talking and agreeing when he'll come over? I mean, it doesn't have to be set in stone: "Every Wednesday except at a full moon" but a few days, or even hours, ahead each time? I mean, surely at some point you'd say something like, "I'm planning to meet Penny for dinner this week, probably Wednesday or Thursday - what days do you have the kids and I'll arrange it for a day you're not able to be around."

Or, "I want to do x, y, z with you - can you do Tuesday?"

Ditto for him. "Shall I come over after work today?" You: "Sounds great, but I'll only be home after 6"

I mean, I'm not really getting this. If it's all super casual with no pre-planning at all then neither one of you has the right to be upset if you can/can't meet up. Otherwise you plan.

Butterymuffin · 01/09/2020 16:04

You need to do that trick where you put your coat on before answering the door and then you can say 'ah, what a shame, I'm just going out!' or 'ooh, you're lucky to catch me, I've just got home!' depending on how you feel.

mantlepiece · 01/09/2020 16:08

Also you don’t need to be going out somewhere or meeting with another person to be busy or unavailable.

If he texts or arrives unexpectedly it is perfectly ok to say not tonight Josephine when you want some alone time.

It sounds to me as if you are feeling a bit like his loose end person.
Nip it in the bud!

category12 · 01/09/2020 16:10

Stop letting him treat you like a piece of furniture.

Let him be surprised or cross - if he doesn't let you know in advance he's going to come round, then assume he isn't and go do things. Stop dropping what you're doing to dance attendance on him.

He'll quickly learn.

Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 16:10

@mantlepiece Not tonight Josephine! That made me chuckle.

We do spend most nights together, but I never know for definite whether he is coming over / has plans / seeing his kids until the last minute.

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 01/09/2020 16:11

Who the fuck does he think he is?!?

Agree with pp that you need to get a whole lot busier OP. Being too available and convenient for him is a recipe for disaster for the relationship and your sense of self-worth.

My sceptical side says this allegedly ad-hoc arrangement re: his kids is an extremely convenient excuse to pick you up and drop you at will, (and however many other women he’s got on the go).

Short version - he’s just not that into you.

Welshgal85 · 01/09/2020 16:16

OP, you mentioned that you discussed it before with him. What does he say when you discuss it?

I would definitely discuss with him again and be clear that you would like to arrange in advance what days you are going to see each other. Does he have a key so just lets himself in when he arrives?

SpaceOP · 01/09/2020 16:16

[quote ChairInTheSun]@mantlepiece Not tonight Josephine! That made me chuckle.

We do spend most nights together, but I never know for definite whether he is coming over / has plans / seeing his kids until the last minute.[/quote]
Then just go ahead and make your own plans. If you don't have any and he turns up, great. If you do, then sorry DP but you've made plans and off you trot.

This kind of thing never ceases to annoy me.

Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 16:22

@Welshgal85 Yes he does have a key (he helps with my pets whilst I've been away for work etc), so if I say I'm not at home now but will be in an hour or so he'll say ok I'll go over and wait!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 01/09/2020 16:37

do you have a key to his place? do you spend time there?

does he bring food? get takeawys etc

willowmelangell · 01/09/2020 16:38

It does seem like his time is more important than yours! Apparently your time is only good for sitting around waiting for him.
If you want to put on a face pack, paint your nails and watch a box set then he just turns up, kind of spoils the mood doesn't it?
At some point in the morning, I would text to ask if he was definitely coming around.
At best he is thoughtless and at worse he is taking you for granted.

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