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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP turning up without warning

57 replies

ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 15:45

How do people normally arrange seeing their DP's if they don't live together? I have been with mine for nearly 2 years. On some days DP will either text me late afternoon and say he is coming over or sometimes he just turns up. On days where I think he may be coming over I then find out later that day that he is seeing his DC (he has them every other weekend and ad hocs days in the week which he doesn't necessarily share with me). It makes me feel like I can not plan as I never know if he is coming over or not and if I then do something myself and he decides to come over that day he gets a bit cross that I'm unavailable. Does anyone have any ideas how to sort this going forward? I have mentioned this before but it is still happening. Other than this we have never had any issues!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 16:40

@NettleTea No I don't have a key to his as he shares with two housemates.

He does occasionally bring food / buy takeaways!

OP posts:
latticechaos · 01/09/2020 16:43

[quote ChairInTheSun]@latticechaos If he turns up on a day that I wanted to spend myself then I won't be spending it on my own Confused[/quote]
Hmm, I just couldn't do this. Imo having to spend time with your dp is one of the downsides of living together - surely you should avoid this if you live apart!

SimonJT · 01/09/2020 16:47

He used to stay over every Thursday night as neither of us worked Friday, he would usually come over one other evening in the week but would usually go home to sleep.

In normal times our work places were very close together so we would sometimes have lunch together.

Usually we’d just ask the other that morning if they had plans, if not he’d come over here or we would arrange something to do outside the home.

Comtesse · 01/09/2020 16:48

You spend most nights together and he “occasionally” brings food? He has a key to yours but you don’t to his place? You never know for definite if you’re seeing him?

Uhhhh he doesn’t sound very awesome to me.....
why do you think this is good enough?? (Hint - it’s pretty crap).

minnieok · 01/09/2020 16:49

I had a key before I moved in and although dp knew what day I was coming I didn't tell him a time (just whether in time for tea). He has a more set schedule than me so I knew if he was coming to me (plus I had to ensure exh wasn't around for one of the myriad of reasons he came for - admittedly getting him to fix stuff was at my instigating, as was fetching the dog so I didn't have to look after him)

Cheeseandwin5 · 01/09/2020 16:53

I know everyone wants to blame your DH and to be fair he does come across at best as someone who uses you as a convenience, but if you allow yourself to be treated like this than you really need to look at yourself..
If you want to see him and can than let him know. Tell him he has to do the same.
If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat , that is exactly how ppl will both treat you and view you.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 01/09/2020 17:04

Being too available and convenient for him is a recipe for disaster for the relationship and your sense of self-worth.

100% agree with this. As pps have said, he's not a king! Turning up and expecting you to just not be doing anything, like you don't have your own life. What does he expect you to be doing all day? Sitting at the kitchen table twiddling your thumbs?

This is not normal behaviour.

Going forwards, if you want to continue seeing him, you need to tell him that he needs to speak to you before just turning up as you're usually already doing something. Can't believe that I've typed that and you would need to actually say that to him, so based on that...can't see this relationship going the distance (sorry).

Billben · 01/09/2020 17:36

It makes me feel like I can not plan as I never know if he is coming over or not and if I then do something myself and he decides to come over that day he gets a bit cross that I'm unavailable.

How very dare he 🙄

Timekeeper2 · 01/09/2020 17:51

Is there a reason why you aren't living together after almost 2 years as a couple? Basically if you're not living together by now I feel that neither of you are not that into each other. Living two separate lives would add to the chaos imo.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2020 18:25

Do you go out at all?

Or does he just want to sleep/have sex at yours?

Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 18:30

@Timekeeper2 He has 2 young children so we are waiting until we have been together a bit longer before we move in together.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 18:31

@Nanny0gg Yes we do the usual stuff - cinema, meals, holidays, visiting family etc.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/09/2020 18:35

How many nights a week does he eat with you? And how many of those meals does he pay for?

category12 · 01/09/2020 19:48

Oh I see, he lives in a house-share, so it's nicer at your place and so when he's at a loose end, he just comes over.

morefun · 01/09/2020 19:51

Haha, no, I think I would even be in the bath and so "not available" if my partner did this. Does he think you're just sitting there waiting for him at all times? Horrible to just turn up when you might be out / enjoying a book/ just enjoying your own free time!

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2020 19:53

Why is this so difficult? Just tell him.

Pjsallday · 01/09/2020 19:54

Does he eat dinner and shower at yours?

nosswith · 01/09/2020 19:55

Talk to him. It's inconsiderate.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/09/2020 20:05

I would bet 1000 quid that if this continues unchallenged, they will move in and OP will be doing 90% of the childcare/housework during DP's contact without discussion.

Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 20:14

He won't be moving in to mine - I have a one bed flat so that won't be happening, and he knows this!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChairInTheSun · 01/09/2020 20:22

@HollowTalk It varies week to week to be honest. Sometimes he brings food, sometimes he doesn't!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/09/2020 20:32

Well OP, could you be more of a convenience for him!

Where is your self respect?

He picks you up and puts you down and you hang around waiting....

Why is your bar so low?

We teach people how to treat us.

You have taught him to not consider you at all.
You have taught him to expect you to hang around and wait for him.

How can that be good for you?
How can that be a good foundation for a relationship?

Forget about him.

Try learning some self value, respect and about setting down some boundaries.

If you choose not to, don't expect to be treated as if you are a priority in a man's life.
Flowers

kidsdrivingmemad · 01/09/2020 20:39

Just ask him to give you more notice about when he's coming over, if he goes in a mood then tough shit.

SoulofanAggron · 01/09/2020 22:28

I wouldn't let him do this.

As you've been seeing him a while, you could say to him that you don't want him coming round unannounced (if he was a new BF, I'd suggest just not answering the door.)

Don't sit around waiting in case he comes round of course, plan your week.

Your time/activities are just as important as his.

You could ask him when he's free at the start of the week/end of the last and consider when you can fit him in.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/09/2020 08:03

So you’re a bootY call.,.,