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Original poster

He doesn’t understand why we can’t be friends

30 replies

ItsOverNow11 · 01/09/2020 13:05

Finally plucked up the courage to end a painful relationship with a lovely but messed up man.

We were friends for years before getting together. He’s still not over his divorce and I finally realised that he wasn’t fully available so ended it.

I need a clean break to get over him but he thinks we should be able to be friends again in time. No matter what I say, he believes this and doesn’t understand why I don’t feel that’s possible.

I mean I’m heartbroken. And he’s got a lot of issues. I think he’s going to miss me being his therapist more than anything else and I deserve so much more.

How do I get through to him that my reasons are not simply cutting my nose off to spite my face?

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 01/09/2020 13:06

Why do you need to get anything through to him?
It's not about him, just do whatever you need. He sounds exhausting.

CooperLooper · 01/09/2020 13:09

You don't need to make him see your side, convince him, give him reasons, anything. You've split up, told him so, and want a clean break... so stop responding to him or engaging further 😇 no further contact needed surely.

Lweji · 01/09/2020 13:09

Because he wants to continue to use you.

Original poster
ItsOverNow11 · 01/09/2020 13:10

Why do you need to get anything through to him?
Because he keeps getting in touch periodically and it’s doing my head in. Just when I feel like I’m moving forward, he gets in touch. I don’t want to block him because he’s actually God parent to my niece and I think it would be childish to block.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 01/09/2020 13:11

Agree with the previous poster, no point arguing about this, he should respect your position. If it was helpful you could say you want at least a year (or whatever) of non contact before you could even think about some form of friendship.

VettiyaIruken · 01/09/2020 13:11

You don't need to convince him.
You don't need his agreement here.
I do not want to be your friend. I want you to not contact me again. If you don't respect that, I will consider it harassment.

Words to that effect

holrosea · 01/09/2020 13:13

Agreed - he sounds exhausting an who gives a toss what he understands. Block, delete, ignore.

You've already identified that you need a clean break (and frankly, you don't actually have to speak/listen to anyone that you don't want to).

Give yourself some credit, trust your own instinct and block him.

And just in case; you don't have to fix him. He's not your responsibility. Relationships end, people move on. Not to be blasé about it but to remind you that you will get better and he's his own problem. Flowers

Bringmewineandcake · 01/09/2020 13:15

You need to block him, your reason for not doing so is very weak. He doesn't need contact with you for that, and it might be the dose of reality he needs.

user14562156358 · 01/09/2020 13:16

You can't convince him. You shouldn't have to anyway.

If he won't respect you enough to leave you alone of his own accord then you will have to block him.

Lweji · 01/09/2020 13:18

I don’t want to block him because he’s actually God parent to my niece and I think it would be childish to block.

Not to your child, and even so.
And it's not childish. It's just enforcing boundaries.

Heffalooomia · 01/09/2020 13:20

He's playing you, is that what you want?

Wondersense · 01/09/2020 13:22

You don't have to get through to him. You can't have a one sided friendship with someone, because that's not a friendship. That's one person using the other.

He's probably desperate right now. You are probably a very empathetic person, but don't give in to it. You never signed up to be his crutch, his therapist. I broke off contact with a housemate who wanted me to be her 24hr councillor. She didn't know what healthy boundaries were, only that her needs were met.

he’s going to miss me being his therapist - I'm sure he will, but you are asserting yourself in a healthy manner. Don't give in. You have a right not be friends with someone and he needs to respect that, no matter what you motivations are. If he doesn't leave you alone, tell him you'll speak to the police.

I

DowntonCrabby · 01/09/2020 13:25

His needs do not come above yours.

Block him on all channels and try to move on. Flowers

updownroundandround · 01/09/2020 13:27

You are not being childish to block him.

However you are being naive if you think he's only contacting you as a 'friend'. He's contacting you to keep the communication lines open (because that's what suits HIM), and probably to keep you engaged as his 'therapist', again, because it suits HIM.

At no point is he considering YOUR feelings or wishes, is he ? Hmm

And yet you still won't block him ?? really ?? when he's so obviously using your 'politeness' against you ??

You've TOLD him you do not want to be friends. He's ignoring your wishes/ boundaries.

BLOCK him (on ALL platforms) so he has no option but to respect your wishes.

Original poster
ItsOverNow11 · 01/09/2020 13:29

Thank you for all the support, it’s what I need to hear right now whilst I’m wavering. I do miss him and it hurts me too not to be friends. But how can you be friends after having become more? I feel like basically he tried it out but discovered he preferred the friendship and now wants to go back. But what about me? I’m hurting and I can’t go back to being friends just because he misses me.

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 01/09/2020 13:33

Just block. You can always unblock him later. And how much messaging contact is really necessary between godparents? You can surely just be polite if and when you do meet in person. Put yourself first. He has.

category12 · 01/09/2020 13:36

It's not "childish" to block when the guy won't fucking listen to your clearly stated needs. It's having boundaries and it's self-care.

katy1213 · 01/09/2020 13:37

Stop explaining. Just do it. Godfather to your niece is not a relationship that involves you.

Original poster
ItsOverNow11 · 01/09/2020 13:39

I suppose if I’m honest, I miss him like mad and I still feel crushed that he couldn’t take the relationship to the next level. He thinks that I ended things too soon and that with more time he would have got there. And wants to stay friends. I’m like “are you fucking joking?” I mean, what’s wrong with him?!

OP posts:
Heffalooomia · 01/09/2020 13:39

A partnership needs to be mutually beneficial, it needs to work for both partners
he just wants what works for him and isn't interested in hearing about what works to you so he shuts you down by refusing to understand

PicsInRed · 01/09/2020 13:49

In a conflict between the wants of an ex boyfriend and your own needs, your needs win every time.

He should want you to be ok. He's very selfish and I'll wager that trait's got something to do with the demise of his marriage.

CrazyToast · 01/09/2020 13:50

If you feel unreasonable blocking him, message him before you do and say it is because you have said you need a clean break and he won't stop messaging, no hard feelings etc but it is just what you need to do.

workhomesleeprepeat · 01/09/2020 14:08

@ItsOverNow11

I suppose if I’m honest, I miss him like mad and I still feel crushed that he couldn’t take the relationship to the next level. He thinks that I ended things too soon and that with more time he would have got there. And wants to stay friends. I’m like “are you fucking joking?” I mean, what’s wrong with him?!
Sorry OP - similar happened to my bff last year. He wants to string you along while also feeling like a nice guy - not someone who was using you for emotional support but didn't want to actually be in a relationship with you.

Its ok to block him or be very upfront about why you wont respond. don't let him keep using you. If you stay in touch he gets to think he's not done anything wrong.

Original poster
ItsOverNow11 · 01/09/2020 14:26

Yes. I think that’s exactly the situation workhomes. He gets to think he’s a good guy but actually he’s pretty fucking selfish.

OP posts:
Wondersense · 01/09/2020 14:30

He thinks that I ended things too soon and that with more time he would have got there.

Mmmmm.......unlikely and you should not have to waste another moment of your precious life on this possibility. I really think you've done the right thing and think you need to seriously treat yourself for doing so!!!!!