Suspect bf has aspergers - how to tell him?

[Backtofuture]

Tips please on how to approach him about this? I want to do it in a sensitive and loving way. I think a diagnosis would help. Or at least if he could read up on it.

We are having problems. Happy to try to make it work but I need him to understand this goes both ways.

Infuriatingly, he seems very against counselling and therapy.

Is there a way I can convince him otherwise? This is to benefit him, and of course, our relationship.

I’m not a psychiatrist but it’s so glaringly obvious - to friends, sales assistants in shops etc it cannot be denied anymore and I can only do this if he’s prepared to get support for both of us.

If it's so glaringly obviously to everyone, do you really think you'd be the first person to say this to him? That he'll go "wow, no one's ever suggested that before, I'd really didn't realise i behave differently from other people. What a surprise., I'll get that sorted immediately"??

This may be the whole reason he's so against counselling and therapy - because people are always trying to 'fix' him and push him to fit into their wants and needs.

Do you think diagnosis would help him or you? It won't change him, there is no 'cure'. He would need to want to work on whatever issues you perceive as a problem, and first he has to perceive them as problems too. I presume you have brought up these issues before, so does he see them as 'his' issues?

Diagnosis isn't going to change him. It may change your perception of him. But can't you do that without diagnosis?

What;s the point? Aspergers is who he is - what do you want by telling him? Sounds like you think he can go to therapy and be 'cured'? If you have problems with his Aspergers then end the relationship.

What sort of problems are you having, if you don't mind me asking? Do you think they're all down to his Aspergers, if that's what he has?

What do you mean sales assistants?
Are there issues in shops?

Look, ultimately, do you want to be a carer? To try to raise kids whilst also consistantly mitigating for him? He isn't even good to you. Why would you do this to yourself?

What was your childhood like? What were you taught about your role and worth in life? Stop being a fixer. They never thank you.

It’s a tough one when you know something’s different and can’t get your head round the other person hasn’t realised it as it’s glaringly obvious.

It would be better to discuss your differences and see if you can meet in the middle somehow. A diagnosis won’t change anything. It’s just a word.

If you can’t get along it’s time to split as you are not compatible.

I just listened to the most fascinating radio programme about this

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000m5lh

Radio 4 The Life Scientific

When Francesca Happé started out as a research psychologist thirty years ago, she thought she could easily find out all there was to know about autism – and perhaps that wouldn’t have been impossible as there were so few papers published on it. Francesca’s studies have increased our knowledge of how people with autism experience the world around them, and their social interactions. She’s looked at their brains using various imaging techniques, studied the families of people with autism to explore their genetics, and raised awareness of how the condition can appear differently in women than in men. Jim al-Khalili talks to Francesca, now Professor of Cognitive Neuroscience at the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience in London, about her research career and her current projects, including how people with autism experience mental health issues, such as PTSD.

It's really worth a listen, might help you OP.

Thingsdogetbetter Who said anything about ‘fixing’. I’ve been readings books and guides and the first step towards support is acknowledgement.

ErickBroch Who said anything about ‘curing’?

TimelyManor Thank you, it’s all the usual issues - textbook stuff really. Don’t have time to go into it now. Just wondering if couples counselling would help - I keep reading though that acknowledgement it the first step and I can’t force him, but I know I can’t figure this all out on my own.

PicsInRed Thanks, I can’t certainly do it on my own, and not with raising a family. I think we need support

I think a diagnosis is helpful too. Feck all to do with fixing/curing/labelling.

More to do with identifying/supporting/understanding.

There are some very ignorant comments on here. Yanbu OP.

Elieza Surely to work through it, there needs to be acknowledgement and support?

Not sure why you’ve started a thread if you don’t want to go into the details! More info about what characteristics you’ve noticed would be helpful as might approach him in different ways.

What help do you think a diagnosis will be?

You know there's no support available on the NHS, and if it's not having a significant impact on his life he'll be on a waiting list for diagnosis for years?

Who said anything about ‘curing’?

@Backtofuture You want him to stop acting how he's acting, at least when it comes to your relationship.

What sort of things is he doing in your relationship that you don't like?

I think if a relationship has reached the point where one partner thinks they need couples counselling and the other refuses to go, then it's a bit buggered really.

What does he say/do when you bring up things you're not happy with?

There is no 'fix'. It's a difference in brain function. People with ASD can use strategies to overcome difficulties they encounter, but it's not a 'fix'. For example (DH has no dx but it's glaringly obvious) DH is a site manager for several schools. He knows that his ability to organise things is weak, so he has a calendar app and everything is scheduled for his working day. Alerts go off constantly, from putting bins out, doing water checks, fire safety checks, opening a particular school, meeting contractors, etc. Nothing is left to memory, even though he can tell me exactly what alarm is sounding on his phone when we're on holiday. But, if it doesn't go in his calendar, it doesn't get done. Even if I tell him something the same day, he'll forget it.

I think the first step isn't acknowledgement on his part, it's recognition on your part that if he has ASD, it's part of who he is.

We had several mini talks around it.

We did an online test because DS has traits. DH scored far higher than DS, and could see the traits in DS.

We watched a programme where one of the leads was portrayed as autistic- it was a missing persons cop thing. Watching, it was clear that other characters found the person's behaviour unusual. DH commented that he totally identified with the autistic person, and couldn't see why others thought him odd.

He's found it very helpful to consider himself as autistic- not managed to get a formal diagnosis for various reasons.
He's less hard on himself about things that are awkward, and when he gets tetchy about a situation I can point out that it's not one of his strengths so he's bound to find it stressful. It really seems to help diffuse things.

Hmmm. So based on having read up on Autistic Spectrum Disorder, and having chatted about it with some friends and some retail shop assistants (seriously, who talks about their boyfriend troubles with shop assistants), you now like some tips on how to get your boyfriend to recognise that the relationship problems are all down to him since he's got something wrong with him? Even if you are right, and that is by no means certain, how do you think telling him that's it's down to this condition he has that there are relationship problems? It's nothing to do with you, or your propensity to go around discussing his mental health with shop assistants? Have you considered that, for whatever reason, the issue is the relationship and both of you in that relationship, not that theres something wrong with him and things will be much better if he admits it?

BTW couples counselling is not for you to tell him what's wrong with him. If that's what you think, you've missed the entire point of it. Perhaps you could read up on it?

@Lougle That sounds more like how I handle my ADHD. ADHD leads to difficulties with planning, memory, chores etc. It's quite common for people to have a bit of both. I got a good degree and no-one would've thought I had ADHD, but it turns out I do, at least to some extent. It is exactly like you describe.

@Backtofuture If you have Netflix, there's a series called Atypical. It's a comedy about a teenager with ASD and his family. I have ASD traits and found the character quite relatable. It might get your BF thinking.

But I don't know if you're compatible. Have you been with him long?

Thank you picklemewalnuts

SoulofqnAggron Thanks - two years

Moondust001 wtaf? I don’t talk to sales staff. His friends have approached me. Thanks for educating me on couple counselling.

I have a son with Aspergers and another son who probably has it to a degree but has an ADHD diagnosis. Diagnosis and understanding do help but they help YOU to do all the adjusting and accommodating, if you think they'll change and adjust behaviour to suit you, disappointment lies ahead. Worst case scenario is they have a ready made excuse for avoiding everything they find difficult.
Counselling is for people who don't have problems with theory of mind and social communication.
Pursue this if you are prepared to be the one responsible for all the communication and adjustments and social problem solving in the relationship, all the "wife work" for ever.
If you know enough to dx your bf you already know enough to adjust your communication style to be very clear and concise and not expect him to read your moods or anticipate your needs.
Im used to it and I'm their mother which is a different kind of bond but you do have to accept a different level of reciprocity which can be hard.
DS1 is kind and gentle and has ways of being helpful that he has learned but he has never bought me a present or asked me a question about how I'm feeling, he never phones for a chat and replies to messages with one word answers, he would not be able to comfort me if i was upset. You enter his world, he doesnt enter yours.
Dont get me wrong, its not all bad, we have good times and i get hugs and appreciation too but it has been v hard at times.

I think the first step isn't acknowledgement on his part, it's recognition on your part that if he has ASD, it's part of who he is.

Lougle I know you can’t change a person, that’s even regardless of Aspergers. I was hopeful we could better understand each other and help one another with solutions. Some of the books I read are constructive and encouraging. But say it needs acknowledgement on their part, as well as ours.

Thanks Wbeezer for your experience