Suspect bf has aspergers - how to tell him?

[Backtofuture]

Tips please on how to approach him about this? I want to do it in a sensitive and loving way. I think a diagnosis would help. Or at least if he could read up on it.

We are having problems. Happy to try to make it work but I need him to understand this goes both ways.

Infuriatingly, he seems very against counselling and therapy.

Is there a way I can convince him otherwise? This is to benefit him, and of course, our relationship.

I’m not a psychiatrist but it’s so glaringly obvious - to friends, sales assistants in shops etc it cannot be denied anymore and I can only do this if he’s prepared to get support for both of us.

What support are you expecting from the diagnosis? My DP was diagnosed with Aspergers before we met (I'm the only person he's ever disclosed it to) and he received no further help after diagnosis.

If he was diagnosed with it, would he genuinely work to understand it or would he use it as an excuse why things aren't working between you?

I can see both sides here. I’ve read a few articles recently on a tendency to medicalise and pathologise difficulties - which sometimes may just be part of normal life. My DD exhibits behaviour patterns than seem to fall into ASD - and I’ve found it helpful to read widely online - and manage her behaviour using suggest strategies. If she has ASD, it would be mild - and I have not pursued a diagnosis as I feel this may overburden our NHS, and lead to a dilution of the condition itself. I feel we are able to cope with her behaviour on a day to day basis. I also would rather address my parenting style, than diagnose her with a neurological condition. Similarly - could this work for you and how you address your DP - rather than put the onus on him? I also think overdiagnosis of more subjective medical conditions can lead to a dilution of condition itself.

My XP is ASD. He never knew, his parents didn't recognise it, but once I'd been dating him for a few months it was obvious to me. I asked him if the possibility had ever been raised and he said no (which just boggles my mind because it's SO obvious, I assume his parents just looked the other way, but things were different 50 years ago). He did an online test and came up as scoring very highly.

It didn't change anything, but it made it easier to cope. For instance, I knew his food faddishness wasn't his fault, it was sensory, not fussiness. That his 'particular' characteristics were the result of brain wiring, not the way he had trained himself to think.

The relationship didn't work out. He's now a very very good friend, but I decided I couldn't spend my remaining days sitting indoors whenever the sun shone and only visiting the same, well known. places over and over again.

It's a tough row to hoe. I wish you luck.

Three really good posts in a row! That all really resonates with me.

I think one of the criteria is that the traits interfere with everyday life. I don't know the wording.

The people I know who I suspect have ASD (husband's family) have set their lives up to suit their preferences. It's not a problem until something has to change.

I would warn you that the early days of a relationship, just like for everyone, can be quite intense. Once committed relationship status has been 'achieved', that focus may move on to something else. That left me feeling really lonely. He just kept forgetting to take me into account. So his routines and habits took over, and I fitted in around the edges. (I'm talking about big things and little things- switching the light off when he left a room even though I was still in it, changing the tv channel without wondering if I was watching the programme).

We were really rocky for many years. Then I realised that he would never meet my emotional needs so I had to be self sufficient. When I stopped expecting anything from him, things got so much better.

So think about that, but remember everyone is different. I've described my relationship, but it's the dynamic between the two of you that matters.

Be careful OP, this is sensitive and I think pushing for a diagnosis will not automatically make things better. He has to want to go down that path.

It takes time, assessment and a lot of emotional load.
It will not change who he is or how you are as a couple.
(Btw, a shop assistant won't be able to say if he has autism or not just by meeting him once. )

I think your first problem is getting him to acknowledge that there are problems in the marriage and whether or not he's happy to work on it.

Adults with autism don't get any support from the NHS. Diagnosis will help you deal with him but it will be of limited use to him even if he's not the type to use his autism as an excuse for his behaviour.

If he agrees to counselling, you can't use any old counsellor. Normal counselling is based on each person understanding the other's POV but that approach won't work for people with autism because they are wired differently and you can't make them more neurotypical

I think you need to reassure him that you're not pushing diagnosis because he's 100% at fault and that you have stuff that you'll work on too. He needs to hear which of his quirks you love and that a diagnosis isn't going to change your love for him. I've been through the diagnosis process and it's so hard and emotionally taxing especially when it's radio silence from the services after diagnosis.

@Oatywitch

I can see both sides here. I’ve read a few articles recently on a tendency to medicalise and pathologise difficulties - which sometimes may just be part of normal life. My DD exhibits behaviour patterns than seem to fall into ASD - and I’ve found it helpful to read widely online - and manage her behaviour using suggest strategies. If she has ASD, it would be mild - and I have not pursued a diagnosis as I feel this may overburden our NHS, and lead to a dilution of the condition itself. I feel we are able to cope with her behaviour on a day to day basis. I also would rather address my parenting style, than diagnose her with a neurological condition. Similarly - could this work for you and how you address your DP - rather than put the onus on him? I also think overdiagnosis of more subjective medical conditions can lead to a dilution of condition itself.

I see what you're trying to say, but I think there are some subtle inferences that are harmful to the subject of ASD:

1. ASD is only diagnosed if the traits seen are persistent, long-standing and interfere with every day life. The condition is not diagnosed lightly and there is an extensive assessment process. Only individuals who score over a certain threshold get given a diagnosis, even if there are clear traits in someone who scores under the threshold (some of these people go on to get a 'social communication disorder' diagnosis).

1. There is no such thing as 'mild' ASD. There are people who are able to use coping strategies more successfully than others, but someone can, for example, have a very successful job, a high IQ, and still have 'severe' issues caused by their ASD. Equally, someone could have quite profound ASD, but be completely at ease because their 'world' is how it needs to be for them and they aren't in the least bit aware of the fact that they are 'different' to the people around them.

1. You say you'd rather address your parenting style than diagnose her with a neurological condition. That's great, except that if you are acknowledging that you think she has ASD, then all you've skipped is the formal diagnostic process. You have still 'diagnosed her' mentally, because you are using ASD strategies to parent with. Most parents with children who have ASD have to use alternate parenting styles if they want their children to be stable. Not all parents have the capacity to do that, though, like other parenting.

I think it's really unhelpful to suggest that there is 'overdiagnosis'. The diagnostic process is so gruelling for parents as it is. I spent 8 years saying I thought DD2 had ASD. I sent her to 3 different schools and Home Educated her for a time, because she fell apart at every school. I was accused of Fabricated/Induced Illness at one of the schools, because DD2 became physically ill as a result of her ASD needs not being met. She was finally diagnosed at 11 and the first person we saw said that DD2 was so obviously on the ASD spectrum that he'd skip the next 2 appointments we should have had and put her into the queue for assessment. We spent 2 years on the waiting list, then she had her ADOS/3Di and scored very strongly.

I'd also like to add that my XP, like a PP, started out intense and 'doing all the things you are supposed to do' when you start a relationship. Once he'd got me as a secured partner, he stopped regarding me as in need of any support. All the hugs, hand holding etc of the early days stopped dead. He couldn't even sit next to me on the sofa.

It can be a lonely place.

@lougle I would want subject of ASD to be discussed openly (without an accusation of subtle inferences). Should it be that whenever ASD is questioned, heckles rise?
Any diagnosis is open to misdiagnosis, overdiagnosis, underdiagnosis. Particularly the diagnosis of a condition that is based on subjective criteria.
I was referring to an article in the Guardian last year about overdiagnosis.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/aug/26/autism-neurodiversity-severe

Thank you @Lougle
Everything I wanted to say but put much better.
I am all for awareness of autism and to discuss it. That is good BUT I am so fed up with people minimising it with comments like they've done a test online &decided its autism
Or they think their partner has traits so has decided it must be autism etc etc before any medical professional has even seen or assessed this person.
To be assessed is bloody difficult, time consuming, stressful and takes time. It stretches your family to the limit, it effects every area of your life and it is not bingo, have a diagnosis and here is your support

Support you have to fight for. It is constant fighting for support and even then, that it is still a constant fight.
You can't do a test online and decide yourself.
It is a disability that effects your whole life like any other.
Can please respect how hard it is to get a diagnosis.

im still not quite clear on what your objective is? I know that the idea that you are both honest and understand each other sounds sensible but im not sure what that means in practice?
if your relationship has problems then knowing that a behaviour that you see as a problem is part of his aspergers is great but how does it help?

Im not trying to be an ass but i dont get the motivation - and for me the way to approach this must surely be driven by explaining to him why your view of his behaviour matters?

@SoulofanAggron

Who said anything about ‘curing’?

@Backtofuture You want him to stop acting how he's acting, at least when it comes to your relationship.

What sort of things is he doing in your relationship that you don't like?

I think if a relationship has reached the point where one partner thinks they need couples counselling and the other refuses to go, then it's a bit buggered really.

What does he say/do when you bring up things you're not happy with?

^ This.

It is all over your posts @Backtofuture You seem to me to be the least supportive person there could be to your boyfriend.

As a father to a wonderful son with aspergers - a son who 'breaks the mould' when it comes to loving, caring, respect and strength in relationships - I urge you to look at your own soul. People all around us are different.

Do not through your ignorance perpetuate the stigma.

I prefer those who are more different to what you may perceive as normal.

People with aspergers today will be those who tomorrow devote their time to successfully finding a cure for cancer.

If someone comes across my desk with a spectrum I am all ears.

As others have said but I can't help repeating it, online tests are not diagnostic, the diagnostic criteria involve something like significant detrimental impact on daily life.

OP I think you have 2 separate problems here that you've conflated. You could consider having some counselling sessions by yourself to unpick them. You are not happy in your relationship, and I think you've leapt to the conclusion that "getting your BF diagnosed" will make things better. I think a counsellor would help you to separate those 2 things, and think more widely about what actions YOU have open to you in the relationship. So often in relationship problems, you can go into counselling or mediation with a list of what the other person needs to do differently, and you come away having reframed the whole thing and with a list of much more useful ways forward than you could see before.

Separately (and I know you think it's not separate, but bear with me) he is an adult, and GF or not, you know it's not your decision whether he chooses to explore the idea, or go a step further and request a formal assessment. You could bring the subject up obliquely, maybe chat about someone you know who's autistic, but I would avoid personalising it to him unless he goes there first. Don't force him down that road if he doesn't want to go there. And please don't "diagnose" him yourself. The most you will get from an online test is a vague notion of whether there are enough indicators to warrant the NHS or yourselves spending out on the next level of screening, and a proper assessment will then follow if that higher bar is also reached. The whole process is quite emotional and makes you question who you are, in a way. People are told that they may have traits but don't meet the diagnostic criteria at every stage of the process, and that too is not easy to handle.

We do find a diagnosis very helpful in helping our son understand how his brain works a bit differently, but it took so long to get that we had been reading and using autism resources for years by that point. My husband has decided against being assessed and my dad seems utterly oblivious to how many traits he shares with his grandson. They are fine as they are, they don't need me wading in and pushing them into something they don't need or want. Pushing him is like trying to push someone into dieting. The person needs to be ready to do it off their own bat or it will first cause resentment, and then fail.

My child is in a cohort with a lot of children with SEND and the biggest thing I have learned from him is this: you don't need to know what labels someone has. That's their business. Just take them on their own terms and respect them for who they are. I know it's not that easy when you are also talking about saving your relationship but I think you need to look wider at what you can change and don't push the autism angle unless he bites. I

Bugger. Late night keyboard warrioring again. Sorry for the essay.

My life is set up in a way that makes me happy. It took me a long time to figure out that it was perfectly ok to live my life the way I want to and not fit some stereotype. My husband loves me for who I am. Sure he has complaints, there is always going to be something in a long term relationship, but in general, we are well matched. Op, if you need to make little tweaks to your communication or need other small compromises that everyone has to make in a relationship, then ask for them. If it’s bigger than that, it’s time to move on. There will be someone out there who doesn’t mind his quirks, maybe even is thrilled to have found someone who is a bit different than average.

Some of the books I read are constructive and encouraging. But say it needs acknowledgement on their part, as well as ours.

What are you hoping to achieve by his acknowledging this supposed autism, OP?

Is he blaming you for the relationship issues at the moment?

The NAS are re-doing their website, you may find this page of interest OP.
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/broaching-the-subject/partners-friends-colleagues

@Manolin

What a lovely post. It’s always so refreshing to read a post that understands that the MN perpetuated autistic stereotype is not accurate.

And @Zaphodsotherhead “is ASD” makes nonsense whatsoever. Your XP is autistic, is on the autistic spectrum, has an autistic spectrum disorder/condition. Please at least have the decency to refer to us in an appropriate way.

Sorry @Scautish but that's how he refers to himself, and I supposed that he, being the one actually affected, would know best.

This thread is so damning of.people with ASD. One poster has said about becoming a carer - not all people with ASD need carers! The overwhelming mentality so far is that neurotypical = right, neurodivergent = wrong. Why should your boyfriend have to change, regardless of his capacity to do so? And counselling is absolutely possible for someone with communication difficulties and low theory of mind, perfect as an opportunity for careful communication. OP if you don't want to stay with him, own that decision rather than labeling him.