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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

annoyed about this, MAP and being drunk

39 replies

cinnamongirl1 · 01/09/2020 08:12

Hi all,

Not sure what I'm really asking here. I am single, early 30s, have slept with a man on and off for 2 years. To be honest we are too different for it to progress but we had quite a lot of instant sexual chemistry hence the sex.

Anyway, on Sunday night I was celebrating the end of a work project and ended up drinking far too much as did the whole team. I asked him to come over afterwards which he was keen to do.

We talked and eventually had sex. he didn't use a condom and asked if he could ejaculate inside me which I agreed to but would and have never done sober. We always use condoms.

Immediately after and the next day he was going on about how nervous he felt about pregnancy and offering to come with me for the MAP which I couldn't do yesterday as I have a health condition meaning pharmacies won't dispense it due to a drug interaction and I need a prescription which I have now got from 111.

he definitely had consent from me at the time, I just feel a bit annoyed he waited until I had frankly drunk my weight in wine to ask to have unprotected sex and is now making a fuss afterwards (I would've got the MAP anyway). I think because he is teetotal and very straightlaced it is more irritating and I feel a bit taken advantage of in the moment.

Given that I said yes at the time, would I be unreasonable to see him gain based on this feeling? I'm not accusing him of anything.

OP posts:
DidoAtTheLido · 01/09/2020 08:40

Tell him to stop hassling you with his anxiety. Tell him he was sober, he made a choice to ask you for unprotected sex, you are taking responsibility for havjng said yes, he had to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/09/2020 08:44

Stop getting drunk, it won't end well.

Original poster
cinnamongirl1 · 01/09/2020 08:56

to not see him again*

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 01/09/2020 08:59

He was sober?
YANBU. He took advantage of the situation. What a prick.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 01/09/2020 09:02

You don't need a reason to not see him again at all. You feel that he took advantage of the situation due to your state of inebriation and that is valid. You should only really be having sex with people that you trust and now he has hurt that trust.

I remember one time I slept with someone, I asked for privacy to get dressed afterwards ( I was young) and he left for about twenty seconds, purposefully coming back into the room before I was dressed. I never slept with him again because he had lost my trust. Maybe I sound OTT but it's a deal-breaker for me, pushing boundaries during/ after sex.

DidoAtTheLido · 01/09/2020 09:13

You would not be unreasonable, no.

You don’t need a reason which is approved by anyone else anyway.

But he has shown himself to be irresponsible and selfish.

Irresponsible to have unprotected sex, selfish and irresponsible to ask you when he knew you were drunk, uncaring if you and selfish to ask When he knew you were drunk, and incredibly selfish to worry and hassle you afterwards: his concern should have been ‘are you ok?’.

SirSamuelVimesBlackboardMonito · 01/09/2020 09:14

@DidoAtTheLido

You would not be unreasonable, no.

You don’t need a reason which is approved by anyone else anyway.

But he has shown himself to be irresponsible and selfish.

Irresponsible to have unprotected sex, selfish and irresponsible to ask you when he knew you were drunk, uncaring if you and selfish to ask When he knew you were drunk, and incredibly selfish to worry and hassle you afterwards: his concern should have been ‘are you ok?’.

All of this. Get rid.
RunningFromInsanity · 01/09/2020 09:17

I actually think it’s very responsible of him to be asking you to take the MAP. He is understandably worried about pregnancy.

In dirtier either don’t have sex with him again, or establish that sex without a condom is always off limits due to your trouble taking the MAP.

IronNeonClasp · 01/09/2020 09:18

MAP shouldn't be the result of a shag. Get a coil for your own protection and peace of mind.

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 01/09/2020 09:19

Sorry but I thought the law was that if you are drunk you can’t consent or have I got that wrong? He was sober? That’s awful. Sorry op.

QuentinWinters · 01/09/2020 09:21

He shouldn't have asked you for sex without a condom if he doesn't want children.
The MAP isn't contraception so if you're likely to think contraceptive free sex is a good idea when passed you might want to consider long acting contraception as well.

Dery · 01/09/2020 09:22

"You don't need a reason to not see him again at all. You feel that he took advantage of the situation due to your state of inebriation and that is valid. You should only really be having sex with people that you trust and now he has hurt that trust."

This. You're don't share a home; you don't have shared children - you can choose not to see him again for any reason or no reason.

But actually I don't think you consented. He knows you don't have condomless sex. He asked you when he knew you were not entirely compos mentis i.e. when he knew you weren't giving fully informed consent. He massively took advantage of you and I think what he did was a form of assault. I have other friends this has happened to. I'm not saying you take this to the police or anything like that. But this is why there are ever louder voices talking not just about whether or not there has been consent but also the quality of the consent which has been given.

QuentinWinters · 01/09/2020 09:24

I actually think it’s very responsible of him to be asking you to take the MAP. He is understandably worried about pregnancy.
Hmm
Not worried enough to be responsible e.g. Wear a condom and be sure the woman is sober enough for informed consent
He sounds like a dick who got what he wanted and then started being "responsible" aka bullying OP into taking the MAP on his timescales
As far as I'm concerned his involvement in contraception goes as far as the decision not to wear a condom and come inside her. If she gets pregnant, that's an entirely foreseeable consequence

Quartz2208 · 01/09/2020 09:27

So basically he wants you to take the MAP (which can have side effects) and is a slightly higher risk for you because he cant handle a pregnancy yet wanted to have unprotected sex. He was sober and teetotal so that was a totally rational and thought through decision that he wanted something and then you take the consequences of it.

If you had both been drunk I would have said his anxiety the next day was fine but here he definitely took advantage to get what he wanted

fourquenelles · 01/09/2020 09:27

My late DH had many faults but one thing he was adamant about was that "a gentleman does not take advantage of a drunk woman". Your FWB is no gentleman and he knows it hence the anxiety over MAP.

RunningFromInsanity · 01/09/2020 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
cinnamongirl1 · 01/09/2020 09:30

Thanks all for the responses. I do need to replace my long term contraception, yes. Those who mention that are right and it definitely needs to happen.

I definitely don't feel like seeing him again. its the fact that he asked for something new and a bit risky sexually when I was that drunk that makes me feel a bit icky. I do hear the PP who mentions not getting drunk again but I don't do it all the time.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 01/09/2020 09:31

My map didn't work my daughter is 20

Its unreliable as a contraception

YouJustDoYou · 01/09/2020 09:34

You'll need an STI check too

QuentinWinters · 01/09/2020 09:38

Ah I forget that on MNs, the minute the woman doesn’t give written consent for sex, it’s rape
I don't think anyone said it was rape?
Its very selfish entitled behaviour and would put me entirely off sex with him though.

OverTheRubicon · 01/09/2020 09:48

Agree that knowing you normally insist on a condom, it was shitty behaviour on his part, and wanting to come with you was controlling not supportive.

To all those saying you shouldn't have sex with someone drunk - I firmly agree if someone is incapable, or was passive or really anything other than enthusiastically consenting. However, if I choose to drink too much at a party and then punch someone, I would rightly be considered fully responsible under the law even if I'd never do it sober. But on your assessment if I, like the OP, then actively contact someone to come and have sex with me, have a chat first, then proceed to sex, I cannot possibly consent and would therefore effectively be a rape survivor? This sounds a bit mad to me.

As someone who has been in OP's situation and also date raped, I think there is a world of difference, and equating the two minimises the impact of assault.

Sorry to hear what happened OP, I hope you are now ok and have a clean break from him.

PicsInRed · 01/09/2020 10:01

He's an arsehole to effectively wait until you're that drunk then go for unprotected sex. All of that wanting to go with you to get the MAP was a nonsense. He's a sober man who chose to have unprotected sex with a drunk woman. He knew full well he could get you pregnant.

Is he more into you than you are him?

Either way, if you dont want to bear his child and be attached to him for 18 years, he isn't a safe guy to be vulnerable with. You'd do well to dump him.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 01/09/2020 10:07

I can't believe the guy is getting all the blame for this .

he definitely had consent from me at the time, I just feel a bit annoyed he waited until I had frankly drunk my weight in wine to ask to have unprotected sex and is now making a fuss afterwards (I would've got the MAP anyway). I think because he is teetotal and very straightlaced it is more irritating and I feel a bit taken advantage of in the moment

Don't drink so much if you don't own your decisions .

RandomTree · 01/09/2020 10:07

YANBU at all OP - he took advantage of you by asking for something he knew you wouldn't have consented to when sober. He's not a nice man. And the people blaming you for being drunk are victim blaming.

ChaChaCha2012 · 01/09/2020 10:18

And the people blaming you for being drunk are victim blaming.

What is she a victim of?