annoyed about this, MAP and being drunk

[cinnamongirl1]

Hi all,

Not sure what I'm really asking here. I am single, early 30s, have slept with a man on and off for 2 years. To be honest we are too different for it to progress but we had quite a lot of instant sexual chemistry hence the sex.

Anyway, on Sunday night I was celebrating the end of a work project and ended up drinking far too much as did the whole team. I asked him to come over afterwards which he was keen to do.

We talked and eventually had sex. he didn't use a condom and asked if he could ejaculate inside me which I agreed to but would and have never done sober. We always use condoms.

Immediately after and the next day he was going on about how nervous he felt about pregnancy and offering to come with me for the MAP which I couldn't do yesterday as I have a health condition meaning pharmacies won't dispense it due to a drug interaction and I need a prescription which I have now got from 111.

he definitely had consent from me at the time, I just feel a bit annoyed he waited until I had frankly drunk my weight in wine to ask to have unprotected sex and is now making a fuss afterwards (I would've got the MAP anyway). I think because he is teetotal and very straightlaced it is more irritating and I feel a bit taken advantage of in the moment.

Given that I said yes at the time, would I be unreasonable to see him gain based on this feeling? I'm not accusing him of anything.

You were drunk, he was sober and knew you always used condoms. You might have agreed but he was aware that was because your normal decision making was impaired. He overstepped the boundaries. He is solely to blame for you needing the map. I would not trust him again if I were you.

Waiting until you were drunk to suggest something he knew you wouldn't consent too sober means you'd be unreasonable not to bin him imo.

You should be able to trust someone you've known for that long not to take advantage of you being drunk.

If he'd asked you if he could shave all your hair off whilst you were drunk and he was sober people would think he was being a twat and taking advantage. If he asked to move into your house while you were drunk and he was sober people would say he was being a twat and taking advantage.

By asking you for something new and risky sexually while you were drunk and he was sober makes him a twat who took advantage. Hassling you afterwards makes him an even bigger twat.

Yes, you need to take your part of the blame for shit that happens when you're drunk, but he shouldn't have suggested it when you were drunk.

@VivaMiltonKeynes

I can't believe the guy is getting all the blame for this .

he definitely had consent from me at the time, I just feel a bit annoyed he waited until I had frankly drunk my weight in wine to ask to have unprotected sex and is now making a fuss afterwards (I would've got the MAP anyway). I think because he is teetotal and very straightlaced it is more irritating and I feel a bit taken advantage of in the moment

Don't drink so much if you don't own your decisions .

This is exactly what I’m thinking. We are all responsible for ourselves. Did he sit there and force you to drink your weight in wine. You’ve said yourself you were able to consent so it’s hardly his fault you had in protected sex. You should be more responsible with you’re drinking if common sense and safe sex goes out of the window when you’re pissed.

its the fact that he asked for something new and a bit risky sexually when I was that drunk that makes me feel a bit icky

That's not on OP. Please don't see him again.

And you can get drunk whenever you want and come home to your own home and expect to be safe.

Obviously if you were completely out of it every night then that's different.

But we shouldn't have to never be drunk again.

You knew the guy and you thought you could trust him (this is actually the case for most rapists etc- they are known to the victim.)

You've done nothing wrong- you're allowed to have a drink and get pissed sometimes.

You’ve said yourself you were able to consent so it’s hardly his fault you had in protected sex

@JenniferSantoro I think there's more to it as OP said he encouraged her to do stuff that she wouldn't usually do. But maybe I'm wrong.

Alcohol does impair people's ability to consent, if nothing else by making us disinhibited so we're less likely to say no than in our normal frame of mind. If someone can't say no, they can't consent. We can be able to consent, but our ability to consent in a meaningful way still be impaired, especially if we're asked to try something new etc.

It also impairs cognitive functions so we can't make an informed decision about doing something new as rationally.

I dont think he did anything wrong as such, you consented. You can't blame him for the situation that is a result of something you agreed to. If you were really incapacitated and falling all over etc, or if he really pressured you etc then it would be different, but it doesnt sound like you were.

Not to worry though, it can be sorted and it is just one of those things. There is nothing wrong with getting drunk for fun and sometimes we make questionable decisions when drunk. If you dont want to see him again then don't, you don't have to justify your reasons.

Get an STI test just in case. Hope it all works out.

I don't think he's done anything wrong as such - he asked, you consented and you clearly remember consenting and everything around it. You were not incapable of giving consent. I think this falls into the area between right and wrong.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it all and not want to see him again though.

OP - probably seems like you are being treated harshly and wished you'd never asked - but the thing is to control and protect YOUR sexual liaisons so coil and STI regular checks. MAP as PP said takes it's toll on body, fucks up your period cycle and should not be used as a back up and sometimes doesn't work.. Men can be uneducated about this. Children are for life.

Also hope all is well

OP I think you are very in your rights in whatever circumstances not to see someone again if you don't want to. I think some pp are being very silly , hinting that you can't consent when you are drunk. I think you have been upfront that you did consent but yes it would leave an uncomfortable feeling for me as well.

The don't get drunk brigade need to be really careful on their judgy views because theres nothing wrong with having a few drinks to celebrate and you seem to accept you weren't making clear decisions at the time but you have owned it , you aren't accusing him of anything. Hes a bit ridiculous to get so jumpy about the MAP afterwards when he suggested it unprotected.

I get it , its left a horrible taste and no I don't think I would want to see him again either , but he hasn't done anything illegal but hes not someone I would have any desire to sleep with again.

Dont see him again , it was a bad experience and you make your own decisions going forward. you have nothing to feel guilty about choosing not to see him.

Sorry but I think you are trying to make it seem like he forced something on you- which is wrong for you to do.
Either take the pill or not but be clear to yourself that you did consent.

Thanks Iron I think there are a lot of fair points being made. I fully accept i was drunk which never puts you at an advantage.

shinyletsbebadguys I think you have expressed it perfectly, thank you. i'm certainly not calling him an attacker or saying he forced me or anything. The whole thing just hasn't felt very pleasant.

He's not a rapist or anything and got your consent - but he's not a respectful, wise or responsible person either, is he?

Not a monster, but not someone you want to be around either. Every unplanned pregnancy is created by an irresponsible ejaculation.

Bottom line: he should not be having unprotected sex with any woman unless he wants to spend the next 18 years raising a child.

The OP did consent while drunk. He was not drunk and pro-actively sought unprotected sex.

Now HE is hassling her to take MAP. It’s not his decision: he made his decision stone cold sober to take a risk that could easily cause pregnancy.

He is the one who should be being told to own his decision .

Lucky for him that the OP is seeking MAP.