I've NC for this. So I found out on an online forum about six weeks ago that DP cheated on me a year ago. We've been together now about 20 months, had been together 9 ish months when he cheated. I didn't know the exact details at first as the thread had been deleted but long story short, he lied to me about what had actually happened and gave me a much less worse story. I managed to find the actual deleted thread about 2 weeks later and I read word for word what had happened which is that she text him one night when drunk and asked him to go up to meet her, he drove up, paid for the hotel himself and stayed from around 2am to 11am when he drove home and that they had sex but that he felt terribly guilty the next day. It was with a girl he's been infatuated with since 2013, basically she's not into him and I guess it's something to do with the chase as every now and then (when drunk) she shows interest in him. He'd slept with her once a while before we met and once in the meantime. She lives about 100 miles from him, me and him have a LDR of just over 200 miles. I've seen some of their messages before and it always seemed very much he texts her and she replies with one or two word answers, clearly with little interest in him and I had no problem with him having female friends.
So I've decided to try and work through it with him, I'm trying to deal with it and I'm not doing too bad but I find myself struggling at times with triggers on tv of people in hotel rooms having sex etc. I asked him why he lied about it and he said it was because it's instinct to deny something like that and that he loves me so much and didn't want to lose me as he's never gotten on with anyone else so well, of which I feel the same and that we have so many common interests. He seemed to have bucked up since I found out - changed his number, deleted his Instagram account (she only uses this form of social media) has given me access to his location at all times so I can 'check up' on him which I don't like the idea of but I must admit I have checked it quite often recently. When we were together last week I saw a message come through on his phone from a random number and when I asked him (he didn't know I'd seen it) he showed me and it was her asking what she'd done wrong and what was going on. I made him text her when I found out the truth 3-4 weeks ago saying he had a girlfriend and that he wasn't single when they slept together and then he phoned the mobile company and changed his number straight away, before she had chance to reply. She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year. So I asked him how the hell she had his new number and he said there must have been an open whatsapp message with her that he forgot to delete before he changed his number, but that he's now blocked her and had already deleted her number, and of course had since deleted this whatsapp chat log. Part of me wondered if he was so quick to change his number because he was worried she'd reply with something more incriminating that I didn't know and that I would demand to read it but maybe that's just me being paranoid. I was extremely upset that she now has his number, whether he's blocked her or not, she still has it. Btw it was his idea to change his number, the thought didn't even enter my mind.
I trusted him with all my heart, much more than I trusted my ex of 12 years and finding this out really broke me because of how deeply I trusted him and that I didn't think he could/would do something like this. His dad had affair about 10 years ago and his mother was a mess after his dad cheated on her and I thought he was different because he speaks with such disgust that his dad did it (they stayed together btw). He's also said things in the past like he couldn't believe his one female friend stayed with an ex who had cheated on her and that he'd rather be alone than be with a cheater.
We've since had STD tests and we're both clear.
I don't know what I want as a reply really but I guess I just want to know what others would do in my situation. We get on so so well and we have a great sex life and I would miss him terribly if we finished, he's my best friend as well as boyfriend. Sometimes I think it's ok I can get through this but in the next breath I've got things running around in my mind and I wonder if I've lost all respect for myself by staying with him. I'm sure this stuff on my mind will get less and less with time but I just feel so betrayed, I had heard of this girl before but thought they were just friends, not that he had a thing for her.
Sorry it's such a long post and thanks for getting to the end, I just didn't want to leave any information out.