DP cheated - WWYD?

[NYcityskyline]

I've NC for this. So I found out on an online forum about six weeks ago that DP cheated on me a year ago. We've been together now about 20 months, had been together 9 ish months when he cheated. I didn't know the exact details at first as the thread had been deleted but long story short, he lied to me about what had actually happened and gave me a much less worse story. I managed to find the actual deleted thread about 2 weeks later and I read word for word what had happened which is that she text him one night when drunk and asked him to go up to meet her, he drove up, paid for the hotel himself and stayed from around 2am to 11am when he drove home and that they had sex but that he felt terribly guilty the next day. It was with a girl he's been infatuated with since 2013, basically she's not into him and I guess it's something to do with the chase as every now and then (when drunk) she shows interest in him. He'd slept with her once a while before we met and once in the meantime. She lives about 100 miles from him, me and him have a LDR of just over 200 miles. I've seen some of their messages before and it always seemed very much he texts her and she replies with one or two word answers, clearly with little interest in him and I had no problem with him having female friends.

So I've decided to try and work through it with him, I'm trying to deal with it and I'm not doing too bad but I find myself struggling at times with triggers on tv of people in hotel rooms having sex etc. I asked him why he lied about it and he said it was because it's instinct to deny something like that and that he loves me so much and didn't want to lose me as he's never gotten on with anyone else so well, of which I feel the same and that we have so many common interests. He seemed to have bucked up since I found out - changed his number, deleted his Instagram account (she only uses this form of social media) has given me access to his location at all times so I can 'check up' on him which I don't like the idea of but I must admit I have checked it quite often recently. When we were together last week I saw a message come through on his phone from a random number and when I asked him (he didn't know I'd seen it) he showed me and it was her asking what she'd done wrong and what was going on. I made him text her when I found out the truth 3-4 weeks ago saying he had a girlfriend and that he wasn't single when they slept together and then he phoned the mobile company and changed his number straight away, before she had chance to reply. She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year. So I asked him how the hell she had his new number and he said there must have been an open whatsapp message with her that he forgot to delete before he changed his number, but that he's now blocked her and had already deleted her number, and of course had since deleted this whatsapp chat log. Part of me wondered if he was so quick to change his number because he was worried she'd reply with something more incriminating that I didn't know and that I would demand to read it but maybe that's just me being paranoid. I was extremely upset that she now has his number, whether he's blocked her or not, she still has it. Btw it was his idea to change his number, the thought didn't even enter my mind.

I trusted him with all my heart, much more than I trusted my ex of 12 years and finding this out really broke me because of how deeply I trusted him and that I didn't think he could/would do something like this. His dad had affair about 10 years ago and his mother was a mess after his dad cheated on her and I thought he was different because he speaks with such disgust that his dad did it (they stayed together btw). He's also said things in the past like he couldn't believe his one female friend stayed with an ex who had cheated on her and that he'd rather be alone than be with a cheater.

We've since had STD tests and we're both clear.

I don't know what I want as a reply really but I guess I just want to know what others would do in my situation. We get on so so well and we have a great sex life and I would miss him terribly if we finished, he's my best friend as well as boyfriend. Sometimes I think it's ok I can get through this but in the next breath I've got things running around in my mind and I wonder if I've lost all respect for myself by staying with him. I'm sure this stuff on my mind will get less and less with time but I just feel so betrayed, I had heard of this girl before but thought they were just friends, not that he had a thing for her.

Sorry it's such a long post and thanks for getting to the end, I just didn't want to leave any information out.

You can as a couple get over his affair. But it takes both of you to make changes. And your post suggests that he has made a lot of changes to show you how much you mean to him. But it's not easy, it's not something you can just get over. But it's also not something you can hold a grudge with forever. If you want it to work I suggest counselling.

As for the other woman getting his number, that is dodgy I'm not sure I trust his explanation. But he did show you and he took steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. I would take it one step further and get him to get another new number.

My partner, had a very dodgy relationship with his ex and I never got the full story until a year and a half in. Though it happened before me, the emotional element over lapped into our relationship. I was absolutely livid. I felt lied too, cheated on and I certainly had no trust in him. But we are still together and stronger than ever six months later. That's because he made the changes, I had access to everything, he does small things to show he loves me and I'm appreciated. I have now got to the point where I don't need to check his phone, or see every message etc. Because his actions has shown me I can trust him and he does love me. Most people here will tell you to drop him, but if he makes those massive changes you can get your relationship back on track.

I would end it. You're young and should be in a relationship with someone who isn't a cheat and or infatuated with someone else. What a scumbag.

Don't waste your time, you should still be in the honeymoon stage, you deserve better x

I would also end it. The other option is to spend your life wondering - every time he's late, every time something unexpected happens it turns into "what if he's with someone else". It's a horrible way to spend your life, in my experience relationships don't recover from cheating, they only ever "struggle on" at best. Sorry you are going through this.

The fact that you both live so far apart and that he broke your trust will really affect your mental health and self worth. I would cut my losses. You will meet someone else who will make you his number one not two.

it's just that in my life I've only ever met two people I got on so well with and I'm afraid to lose this

I think that’s a really honest statement - but he’s clearly not afraid to lose it. And so unless you’ll forgive him anything to keep him around, it won’t work.

I’m sorry; though. He’s treated you appallingly.

He is a liar to his core and you are bringing drama into your life.

He will do it again.

At 26 and 7 years younger than you he is just immature and keeping you on the backburner.

Don't be used any longer.

Believe his actions, NOT his words.

Sorry op another vote to get rid of him .
You should never be anyones second best , you will be treated like shit .

Sorry, but this will only end in tears. If he's cheated at the start of the relationship when it's supposed to be "the honeymoon period" he'll have no problem doing it again later down the line, and once you've forgiven and forgotten, he knows your standards. You deserve better, don't accept a life of heartbreak, personally I would rip the plaster now before you get even further along.

When we were together last week I saw a message come through on his phone from a random number and when I asked him (he didn't know I'd seen it) he showed me and it was her asking what she'd done wrong and what was going on. I made him text her when I found out the truth 3-4 weeks ago saying he had a girlfriend and that he wasn't single when they slept together and then he phoned the mobile company and changed his number straight away, before she had chance to reply. She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year. So I asked him how the hell she had his new number and he said there must have been an open whatsapp message with her that he forgot to delete before he changed his number, but that he's now blocked her and had already deleted her number, and of course had since deleted this whatsapp chat log.

Bullshit, but even without the number thing it smells to high heaven anyway... think it through - if he had told her he had a girlfriend 3-4 weeks ago and ceased contact, then why would she be texting him asking what she had done wrong and what was 'going on'? He'd explained the issue and the reason for (presumably) ceasing contact, she knew - there was nothing to ask.

Unless, of course... all that was a bit of pantomime for your benefit and what actually happened was that he then contacted her again, gave her his new number, sorry about all that but let's stay in contact.

The message? Now it's a few weeks later, either:

• he HAS tried to genuinely cease or dial down contact and she is asking what has changed;

• or they've had some kind of row and he's not contacted her after it

• or another ongoing situation between them which you don't know the details on.

That's really the only kind of explanation that makes sense if you think about it. 'What's going on?' is a question someone asks about a situation they perceive as ongoing. If they'd really ceased contact in the way you've been told, she may have found his number through someone else and contacted him, but wouldn't be asking him what's gonig on. She might apologise? ask can they still be in touch? have a go at him for not telling her he wasn't single? - lots of things, but not that. It doesn't ring true.

And the Whatsapp thing is bollocks.

So, dump. Don't invest any more, you'll regret it. Even at the number changing stage, he was still lying to you.

Guys like your BF are a dime a dozen on some of the adult and swinging sites. They don't quit cheating. They just get better at covering their tracks.

And he's not your best friend... would you treat your best friend like that...?

She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year

It isn't about HER knowing and keeping her pants on. It;'s about your boyfriend. He knew, right? He knew he had a girlfriend?? He's a piece of shit. Don't waste your precious life with someone like this.

Sorry but I agree he is lying about how she had his new number.
I use whatsapp all the time. It is set up with the phone number. If you change your number you lose all your contacts. Unless you start a conversation with them using the new number. So he was clearly still in contact with her, and I suspect your suspicions are correct. He quickly changed his number again before she could reply something incriminating.

When you have a LDR you have to feel very confident in the trust you have with that other person.
Do you have this OP
How often do you see him?
Do you know how he spends his time when he's not with you and is 200 miles away?
I'm sure he is perfectly charming and says all the right things to you but can you say that you deep down trust him completely?
I would worry that if this "girl" gets bored he wouldn't think twice about running off to her, and he would just cover his tracks better this time.
OP you sound that you are the safe option, the fall back relationship, do you not think you deserve better?

OP you deserve so much better.
It's far better to be single than to be with someone like this. I really don't think he's over this other woman, so set him free, and yourself.

Bin.
This will be one of these never-ending stories.
She clicks her fingers and he comes running straightaway.
And if it's not her it will be someone else.
He has shown that he is a cheat and a liar and you can do better than that.

LTB, he'll cheat again when the urge takes him I guarantee.

She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year

He did, though, didn't he? And his first thought on getting a drunken text from her propositioning him, wasn't about you. No, it was to hop in his car as quickly as possible, drive up and pay for a hotel so that he could spend the night shagging her before she sobered up and changed her mind.

@Tappering

She didn't know about him having a girlfriend when they slept together last year

He did, though, didn't he? And his first thought on getting a drunken text from her propositioning him, wasn't about you. No, it was to hop in his car as quickly as possible, drive up and pay for a hotel so that he could spend the night shagging her before she sobered up and changed her mind.

Absolutely. And even if she did know about him having a girlfriend she probably didn't give a shit. My ex was telling the woman he was trying to shag just before we finally split last year, that it was all but over between us. The relationship was dead. We weren't having sex any more. He was going to leave but just hadn't got round to it yet because he was waiting for x event before leaving. These shits will tell any old lies and there are women out there who believe this sob story stuff "My gf doesn't understand me".... and then there are also women who don't care. It's all on him. He is responsible. He is the one with the gf.

Shame..his mother and his female friend staying has shown him that men can cheat and get away with it. And then you've cemented that belief by staying too.

He will 100% cheat again. What a prick.

All this worry and anxiety so early on in your relationship. Caused by him.

No, he's not worth staying for. You can do better. Don't be his second best.

He's so young - there might be a part of him that is yearning to just be single again and just sleep around but he doesn't know how to break up with you.

I understand that people and situations can be more complex than this but consider the following - every time he does something really bad, and you remain with him, the message you are sending out to him is 'Yes, that was really bad, I'm really angry and upset at you.....but I accept it'.

You will certainly not intend it to be this way, and that is not how he might interpret your actions....at the beginning......but the next time he gets and itch, it might be enough to sway his decisions. He might think 'she'll go mental if she finds out', but the rest of that uncompleted thought will be 'she'll go mental if she finds out.......but hopefully she'll stay with me'.

By sleeping with her, he exposed you to a possibility of an STD. It's very difficult to come back from that.

He has no shame and will just be smarter about hiding things from you, I think. She already has his new number, guaranteed. 😒

Didn't want to read and run 🤗
End it if you can your future self will thank you
💗hugs💗