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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm just not attracted to DH anymore

28 replies

theworldhasfallenoutmybottom · 30/08/2020 18:59

At all
There I've said it. Now what?
I love our little family and times we have but I just don't fancy him at all

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 30/08/2020 19:01

Is there any reason?
Does he disgust you or have annoying habits?
Do you still love him?
Do you fancy any other men?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 30/08/2020 19:02

Time to go then i reckon OP.

Boymum99 · 30/08/2020 19:16

Do you still love him and does he make you happy? If so, it might be worth working at things to get the spark back. I am however assuming they were a spark to start with.

I am in a similar position and have zero attraction to my husband but I know deep down that I am not in love with my him and we have grown so far apart. We are only together for our kids and argue constantly. I am so unhappy that I have lost the desire to work things out.

You said that you love the time you have together so that makes me think he has the ability to make you happy which sounds promising and nothing like my situation. Sending you a big hug. Relationship problems with children make life so much hard.

Ginger1982 · 30/08/2020 19:45

Is it a physical thing or something else?

Original poster
theworldhasfallenoutmybottom · 30/08/2020 20:27

Physical and emotional

OP posts:
NC866 · 30/08/2020 22:46

Same here. I don’t know what to do about it at all. There was never a massive physical attraction (even though he is attractive, I just never felt massively attracted if that makes sense) but everything else was so good that I thought it wasn’t important. Over time it has become more important though. I don’t want to break up my children’s home and hurt everyone. But I long to be with someone where there is a spark. No advice but I understand.

Techway · 30/08/2020 22:52

How long have you been together ?

CatAndHisKit · 30/08/2020 23:41

are you attracted to others, OP? has he changed physically?
Unless you 've lost your sex drive altogether, it's worth trying sexual counselling together, it really can help - as you aer still emotionally 'with him'.

Original poster
theworldhasfallenoutmybottom · 30/08/2020 23:47

We have been together twenty years
It sounds shallow but he hasn't looked after himself at all he's aged very badly and his teeth are awful
But I can't bear the idea of breaking the whole family up due to this

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 31/08/2020 08:04

Teeth can be fixed.
He could try to look after himself better.

Techway · 31/08/2020 16:21

Do you think he would be open to an improvement project? Teeth can be fixed, even decent whitening can make a difference, good haircut, losing some weight.

What type of work does he do? Just wonder if his job contributes to the lack of self care.

I am divorced and surprised at how poorly some/most men age from mid 40s onwards. If you looked at OLD threads you will see how difficult it is to meet a good man, let alone a decent, attractive man. If he has good qualities but just needs the exterior doing up then I would suggest you go down that route. The grass isn't greener and divorce isn't easy..less money, less time with the children, separate events etc.

galgaf12 · 31/08/2020 16:24

You're free to leave.

cantknowwhoiam · 31/08/2020 16:25

No advice either, but in the very same boat as you 😔been together 25years, don't want to be physical with him and everything about him just grates on me. Don't want to break the family up either, but is this the rest of my life?

Oopsiedaisyy · 31/08/2020 18:35

My advice, the family will cope being broken up, and you will feel happier outside of the marriage.

discoveryspoon · 31/08/2020 18:41

I think people just grow apart after a long marriage and there is no longer any excitement or surprises.
My ex husband was gorgeous ! But.... after 20 years, I was more attracted to my slow cooker !
I have to admit that since our divorce, his looks have changed beyond recognition and he is looking bloated, wrinkly and going bald. Thankfully I had the best days of him.
Happy single now!

3caratdiamond · 31/08/2020 19:56

How much are his assets worth? What would the renumeration package be?

DDee40 · 31/08/2020 23:30

What age are you and DH? And what age are your kids?
If I was in a relationship and my OH thought like this I’d want to know.

PickAChew · 31/08/2020 23:33

The physical stuff can wax and wane, particularly as you get older, but if the emotional connection goes then you're pretty stuffed.

minnieok · 31/08/2020 23:35

Divorce is hard but you have the rest of your life to consider, do you want to be 60 and wondering what if?

LilyWater · 01/09/2020 04:07

@Techway

Do you think he would be open to an improvement project? Teeth can be fixed, even decent whitening can make a difference, good haircut, losing some weight.

What type of work does he do? Just wonder if his job contributes to the lack of self care.

I am divorced and surprised at how poorly some/most men age from mid 40s onwards. If you looked at OLD threads you will see how difficult it is to meet a good man, let alone a decent, attractive man. If he has good qualities but just needs the exterior doing up then I would suggest you go down that route. The grass isn't greener and divorce isn't easy..less money, less time with the children, separate events etc.

Agree, the grass is rarely greener. Like you see in your own situation, people generally don't go through with divorce unless it's a big issue or issues and a lot of the time, there's a reason why the men you will meet in your age bracket are single/divorced, even if it takes time to discover it. Men who are lovely, attractive, good partners etc. are naturally much less likely to be divorced so you may find you go from the frying pan to the fire once you leave him. If it's physical, agree with others to explore ways the attraction can come back through him overhauling his appearance - perhaps bring it up with him and say you want to be honest as it's affecting things and you think the changes will bring you both closer together/improve his health/improve sex life (whatever would be an incentive for him too)?
Pluckedpencil · 01/09/2020 04:39

I must say the obvious this is to fix things. New teeth will probably be cheaper than divorce and they make a huge difference. Bad teeth suggests his personal hygiene us lacking. Whip him into shape and threaten to leave if not!

galgaf12 · 01/09/2020 17:56

"Whip him into shape and threaten to leave if not!"

I would love to see Munsnet's reaction to a man saying this about his wife.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 01/09/2020 17:59

Does he know you feel like this?

glowinthebark · 01/09/2020 18:18

Sounds like you've got the Ick.

There is no way back.

Woolwichgirl · 01/09/2020 19:23

Lol@slow cooker comment..

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