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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't like DP but realistically I'll never find anyone else

49 replies

Stuckandstupid2 · 30/08/2020 14:49

I think I just need a bit of a moan. I tend to see things in a negative light a lot of the time.

It's dawning on me that i don't like my DP of 8 years. I don't know if he likes me much either.

The last 3 years of our lives have been eaten up with TTC, so that might have something to do with it. We have sex 3 times a week, once a month, when I am ovulating. I know the rest of the time he watches porn, but pretends not to. It's hurtful.

I'm in a wheelchair with a physical disability. Before DP I didn't really have boyfriend's. Any interest was fetishist in nature which put me off. I was happy to be alone until I met him. Now I'm not happy again. But I want a baby and leaving him would put an end to all that, whereas at the moment theres still a chance, even with all our issues and unexplained infertility. We also have a mortgage together. It's all so messy and I feel so hopeless.

OP posts:

mallowa · 30/08/2020 14:52

Sounds tough OP. sounds like you need professional therapy. I highly recommend looking into it. They will help you unpick any beliefs and feelings that may be clouding your judgement about staying with him and find out what you really want. I would say aiming for kids with someone you don't love is not a great idea.
Best of luck.

eatsleepread · 30/08/2020 14:57

It sounds like you are both trapped in a negative cycle, which therapy could help break down.
If you really don't like each other though - and I have to say that your post shows more practicality than love - then please don't bring a child into it.
You can make a clean break when just the two of you. But when a child comes along, you are linked for life.
Good luck.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2020 14:58

I'm very sorry for all you're dealing with, but bringing a baby into this situation, especially given your disabilities, will not make things better. I would stop ttc immediately.

roarfeckingroarr · 30/08/2020 14:59

Don't bring a child into this

Someonesayroadtrip · 30/08/2020 15:02

I suspect you already know this OP, but bringing a child into a relationship that isn't healthy is a really bad idea. Would you be able to raise the child yourself if your relationship ended?

No advice on the relationship, many people find counselling helpful. Relationships often have peaks and troughs though. Just you both need to decide if it's worth the effort. I think TTC can be really difficult on relationships too. Was it better before that? Was there a time you were both happy?

Sayitagainwhydontyou · 30/08/2020 15:02

It is absolutely not OK to bring an innocent child into this dynamic, please stop TTC and get some therapy

JinglingHellsBells · 30/08/2020 15:02

It's not fair to bring an innocent child into this. parenting is bloody hard work and if you know in advance you don't love the father but only want him to provide sperm and be around for support, is that fair on any of you?

You are looking at 18 years until the child is an adult.

Oryxx · 30/08/2020 15:04

OP, why would you bring a child into this? Why are you even contemplating having a baby with a man you don’t like and who you think doesn’t like you? A baby can put a strain on the most stable of relationships. Let alone one that is on its knees already.

Plenty of couples have joint mortgages. A solicitor will help you unpick it. It’s really not w compelling reason to stay.

I would suggest you stop TTC immediately and see a decent therapist. You deserve more than a lifetime with someone you don’t like. And so does he!

JinglingHellsBells · 30/08/2020 15:04

Maybe your body knows this is not the right dynamics to conceive - it's not impossible that our minds and bodies work in sync.

Original poster

Stuckandstupid2 · 30/08/2020 15:06

It's easy enough to say just don't have a child but I'm so broody and we thought long and hard before TTC, attended genetic counseling to check that my condition wasn't hereditary. I wasn't expecting it to drag on for so long, or for things to change so much.

I'm actually quite independent, all things considered. I have a job and can do a lot for myself. So many people end up as single parents. I feel like that would be a relief. Alison Lapper managed in a much worse situation than me.

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 30/08/2020 15:09

Alison Lapper had a very sad outcome - you know what happened? If you want a child why not use a donor for sperm? How would your partner react if he knew what you posted here? That will tell you what is right and wrong. Does he deserve this? Or the child?
what if you never conceive? will you still stay with him? it's not all about you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2020 15:11

I don't think it's your disability that means posters think you shouldn't have a child right now, it's the state of the relationship. If you're planning on single parenthood, at least tell the other parent.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2020 15:12

Your broodiness is massively clouding your judgement. Please think about the best interests of the child.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2020 15:13

I understand the desire for a child but knowingly bringing a child into a bad relationship is going to make things 10x harder for you. Having a child isn't a right. And single parenting is bloody hard work. I've done it for 10 years and it's exhausting. If your health isn't great you are going to find it hard. I have a disability and it's got worse as Ive got older. How old are you?

Original poster

Stuckandstupid2 · 30/08/2020 15:13

Someonesayroadtrip

Would you be able to raise the child yourself if your relationship ended?

I think I would. Toddler hood might be a challenge.

We've both been avoiding talking about it.

I used to think it was worth it. The baby thing has clouded all my judgement to be honest. I've watched my friends and family have 1-4 babies while I've been stuck. It's painful.

We used to be happy but we no longer do anything nice together, and if we do it's me chasing him and making arrangements. Like dating in reverse.

It's not just TTC. He feels like a "wage slave" and has had a string of failed attempts at financial independence - starting a business, investment, trading etc. All have failed and he's getting older and not liking it. His job is physically demanding, then he comes home and has to do practical stuff for me as well. Probably not helping.

OP posts:

greengreengrass14 · 30/08/2020 15:14

you don't say how old you are. To me this is relevant. In my mid fifties I've kind of prepared myself for possibly not finding anyone else after a messy divorce, but if you are in your twenties it is a different story with starting again, isn't it

Original poster

Stuckandstupid2 · 30/08/2020 15:18

greengreengrass14

34 and time is running out on my ovaries.

The relationship aspect is difficult because most men don't want a relationship with someone who is disabled. It's a fact. Regardless of what politically-correct stuff people say, the reality of people's actions speaks volumes.

OP posts:

Someonesayroadtrip · 30/08/2020 15:28

I think when people are worn out and too focused on one thing then it's hard to see the wood for the tress. It's sounds like you have both had a really hard time and perhaps time to focus on yourselves is what you need?

Children tend to amplify everything. If it's not a good relationship then things can go downhill very quickly. Even if you can manage in your own, you will always be tied, and while I have not experienced this, co-parenting isn't an easy option either. Does you partner want children too?

You have enough time to give yourselves some time out for TTC. Give yourselves 6 month to enjoy yourselves and fix the problems.

Life isn't fair, it sounds like you both have had a difficult time. How would you cope physically without your partner? You mention he does things for you. I would imagine your husband, from what you describe, sounds tired, and the idea of bringing a child into this too would be too much. Just have some fun, do things for both of you, enjoy each other and then think about a baby. Wish you all the best.

bathsh3ba · 30/08/2020 15:28

The only way forward, I think, is to talk honestly about how you both feel. It's definitely unfair to continue TTC without telling him you are considering splitting up.
Could you take a break from TTC just for a couple of months to see if it helps get things back on track? Any form of pressure will make a relationship difficult but not communicating about it just makes things worse. I know feelings of broodiness are strong but you have to think of the child (and the dad, since he is willingly trying to conceive a child he wants to raise) as well.

Rgy3250999 · 30/08/2020 15:31

Having a child in this situation would be incredibly selfish. You’ve just said you ‘think’ you can manage - this doesn’t sound well thought through for a start. However, I what about your partner and what he deserves as a new dad? You might not get on that well and you want a child but does that mean he should have to live apart from his child and be a part-time dad? Be honest with him and see if he still wants to father a child with you. Have you thought that just as you have a dream of what it will be like to be a mum, that he might envisage how it will feel to be a dad and it probably doesn’t involve living apart from them and seeing them odd days if mum allows it.

This might sound harsh but being a parent isn’t a god given right. Whatever your hormones are telling you, this is a terrible idea and will cause a lot of hurt to others....you may not like your partner, but could you really do this to him?

JinglingHellsBells · 30/08/2020 15:32

He feels like a "wage slave" and has had a string of failed attempts at financial independence - starting a business, investment, trading etc. All have failed and he's getting older and not liking it. His job is physically demanding, then he comes home and has to do practical stuff for me as well. Probably not helping.

How old is he?

If he's knackered now, and his career is unstable, it's certainly not right for him to have a child as well.

How does it sit with your conscience to TTC when he doesn't know how you feel?

Might he feel tied to you because of your health issues and therefore feel he can't leave?

Are you both stuck in this when in fact you both want out but daren't say?

I understand your broodiness, but you should also consider the other people involved - your partner and any child who was born.

romeolovedjulliet · 30/08/2020 15:32

you two don't even sound as if you should be together, this is no relationship you seem to tolerate each other and nothing else.
if you want a child use a sperm donor and go it alone.
your partner might walk away when reality kicks in and that could cause a lot of problems. the thing is, like it or not being a single parent is tough and more so when one has disabilities.

lalalalaloo · 30/08/2020 15:46

Realistically, why do you need someone else? You don't.

lowlandLucky · 30/08/2020 15:56

Why on earth do you want to subject a child to living with parents that don't like each other ? Don't be so bloody selfish

roarfeckingroarr · 30/08/2020 19:30

Really, don't bring a child into a bad relationship. It's very selfish.

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