Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I don't like DP but realistically I'll never find anyone else

49 replies

Stuckandstupid2 · 30/08/2020 14:49

I think I just need a bit of a moan. I tend to see things in a negative light a lot of the time.

It's dawning on me that i don't like my DP of 8 years. I don't know if he likes me much either.

The last 3 years of our lives have been eaten up with TTC, so that might have something to do with it. We have sex 3 times a week, once a month, when I am ovulating. I know the rest of the time he watches porn, but pretends not to. It's hurtful.

I'm in a wheelchair with a physical disability. Before DP I didn't really have boyfriend's. Any interest was fetishist in nature which put me off. I was happy to be alone until I met him. Now I'm not happy again. But I want a baby and leaving him would put an end to all that, whereas at the moment theres still a chance, even with all our issues and unexplained infertility. We also have a mortgage together. It's all so messy and I feel so hopeless.

OP posts:

CheshireChat · 30/08/2020 19:58

If you're able to do all of the care, think about doing it on your own to begin with as it's very likely this is where you'll end up anyway.

And if you can't manage (physically) on your own, then what happens if you two want to split up as you don't get along great even now?

Spero · 30/08/2020 20:08

Op, I am also physically disabled and I absolutely hear you - to suggest that it's easy to find someone to be in a relationship with you when you are disabled, is sugar coated crap and anyone saying it just needs to be quiet.

BUT. that isn't a reason to stay with someone you don't like and who doesn't like you. Its also really, really dodgy to have a child with them because you want a child.

Having a baby will blow apart very quickly any relationship that isn't solid. I was lucky enough to be able to earn money and live a relatively independent life; but I still couldn't have coped without my parents who were supportive. Everything about being a single mum is going to be 10 times as hard if you are in a wheelchair.

Of course I am not saying that women in wheelchairs can't be mothers - but you do have to realistically appraise your support network. No child asks to be born.

Maybe your relationship is going through a rough patch - but the fact that you can't talk about it with one another is a massive red flag.

I am so sorry. I know what it is like to yearn for the life that you see others having; happy families and lovely children. I knew when I left my daughter's father I would probably never find anyone else. And i never did. But I would still make the same choice that I did, to leave. There is nothing I think more corrosive than being with someone who doesn't like you.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/08/2020 20:20

If it's any consolation OP, my DP if 2.5 years is physically disabled. He was born with congenital limb malformation and I fell in love with him. His disability does not stop me from seeing who he is and I love him dearly.

I suffer from chronic arthritis and can barely walk some days. I am also diagnosed with ptsd and EUPD. Neither of those are easy things to have when you're in a relationship.

I'm 51. I appreciate I have children so that part is different but I like, live and respect my partner, and you deserve to feel that too. There is someone out there for you.

SoulofanAggron · 30/08/2020 21:16

His job is physically demanding, then he comes home and has to do practical stuff for me as well.

Do you get PIP? Could you hire an assistant to do some of the stuff? Have you been assessed by the council to see if you can get some help from them?

I'm not saying all this to help him- I'm thinking it might help you feel better to feel he has to do less for you.

Also I think therapy could help with some of the feelings you have about yourself.

I appreciate and know that it can be harder to find a partner if you have a disability, but I'm sure you would find people happy to be your partner. xxx

SoulofanAggron · 30/08/2020 21:20

I have a disability (bipolar etc) and am unable to work, I also have had two partners with disabilities, one of whom is still my best friend. Their disabilities didn't put me off at all. If someone's put off by it they're a twat anyway IMO. xx

SoulofanAggron · 30/08/2020 21:25

If you have a child, especially by yourself, and are severely disabled I think the council would be highly likely to offer you carers to go in and help with the baby etc. I say that based on someone I know who had a baby and has a disability.

I know the council can be a bit crap though.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 30/08/2020 21:26

Hi OP,

I think you need to talk to your DP and see if he would go to couples counselling with you. You need to find out if you can both work on your relationship and be happy together again. That’s assuming you were happy at the beginning?
As others have said having a baby in an unhappy relationship would be incredibly difficult and put further strain on you both. I understand you have real worries about your disability and age but if the relationship is not working now you need to face up to that. The longer you leave it the worse it will get. I would suggest having a break from TTC whilst you both figure out what to do next.

Thisismytimetoshine · 30/08/2020 21:28

Alison Lapper managed in a much worse situation than me.
What a Godawful thing to say. Don't you know her story at all? It's totally tragic, for both of them.
It would be insane to continue to ttc your position.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/08/2020 21:40

Maybe you don’t think YOU’LL find anyone else but doesn’t your partner deserve the chance to be with someone who actually likes him? I think you are being quite selfish.

wildcherries · 30/08/2020 21:42

Disability aside (and I know it's bloody tough, I'm in a wheelchair too and struggle with relationships. Most men don't want to know) you don't like your current partner, and you say you think he doesn't like you much either. Bringing a child into that situation is a bit mad. Take time out on TTC and figure out if the relationship is salvageable first. Although, it doesn't sound it.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 30/08/2020 21:52

Really, don't bring a child into a bad relationship. It's very selfish

Incredibly selfish and cruel to have a baby in this situation!

Eckhart · 30/08/2020 21:58

Being broody doesn't mean that having a child is the right thing to do.

HollowTalk · 30/08/2020 22:02

That's a disgusting thing, to bring Alison Lapper into this.

Nyclair · 01/09/2020 21:00

Please don't bring a child into this relationship, its unhealthy for everyone involved and unfair. I get that you're broody but to proceed solely on that would be selfish

Fatted · 01/09/2020 21:08

Everyone is right, bringing a child into a struggling relationship is an absolutely terrible idea.

BitGutted · 01/09/2020 21:47

I'm sorry but I think having a child when you aren't happy as a couple us extremely selfish "just because YOU are broody"
That would be cruel to the child but to be frank totally ridiculous aswell

I don't think disability has anything to do with it plenty of people parent with disabilities however you need to think about the practical aspects of parenting on your own when your pawn watching partner and you decide to split - after he's got you pregnant which is all it seems you are with him for given you only actually sleep together 3 times a month during ovulation- how romantic 🙄

I'd stop trying and separate and focus on meeting someone you have a connection with and actually want to be with

A joint mortgage is no reason for people to stay together

Doodar · 01/09/2020 22:15

Alison Lapper had an army of helpers, she didn’t do it on her own.

SoulofanAggron · 01/09/2020 22:57

As far as I can see, OP was mentioning Alison Lapper in a complimentary way.

Yes her son had a drug overdose/mental health problems, but a lot of women's children have mental health problems and most of the mothers don't have disabilities. We don't blame them- unless they've been barbarically abusive or something it's not their fault. I'm sure they blame themselves enough.

It's no more selfish for someone with disabilities to have a baby than anyone else. They can do fine with the right provision. OP will have a lot of qualities that other mums will lack, she's intelligent, sensitive, and really wants any child she has.

indemMUND · 01/09/2020 23:02

This is a ridiculous situation to bring a child into. OP you need to give yourself a shake and look at this situation. You can't guarantee that even alone you can meet the basic requirements here. Of course, to an extent people really don't realise how all encompassing is it really is to be a parent until they are elbow deep in coping, but this is no starting point. You need to have a long hard think about what you have to offer a child, a lifelong commitment and your choices are directly responsible for their quality of life which may well bypass your own. This about you. It's someone else's life you should take into account. Take the blinkers off and bloody well look at this from an outsiders perspective. No one can guarantee a perfect pregnancy, or a child who may have issues of their own. What then?

Danni290 · 01/09/2020 23:14

Sorry but I think you're being very very selfish. I do think your situation sound difficult and I'm sure it's tough but Bringing a child because you want one into the world under those circumstances just isn't fair.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/09/2020 23:18

I apologise for my useless fingers

CandyLeBonBon · 01/09/2020 23:19

Sorry. Wrong thread

tenlittlecygnets · 01/09/2020 23:24

Please don't ttc with someone you don't even like.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2020 00:40

I wouldn't want to be a child brought into this relationship. I'd feel shortchanged.

I have to ask how good would life be for this child?

Flip

1 2