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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

One month out of an abusive relationship, ex already living with another woman.

28 replies

Elleinad93x · 29/08/2020 14:03

I’m a month out of a nasty relationship and still finding things very difficult.

Up until a few weeks ago me and him were still on talking terms, but then he literally disappeared off the face of the earth. I found out he was seeing a woman that he had always insisted was just a friend.

He is now living with this woman and her kid. I am worried for her but can’t say anything as he will obviously tell her I’m crazy.

I don’t think I miss him, or want the relationship back and I know I left him but this still hurts, he’s fine, living a new life and seemingly happy.
I’m alone, miserable and moping around. People keep saying to me get on dating apps etc but I have no interest. Maybe the fact I know he isn’t even giving me a second thought makes it hurt more.

I don’t feel ready to move on yet, and I’m on the verge of tears all the time. I’m so angry at the situation. How does he get away with this and get to move on and be so happy so quickly. I know I need to snap out of it but at the moment I still feel so overwhelmed.

OP posts:
NotThatStrange · 29/08/2020 14:16

OP, look after yourself. These kind of men are not happy alone. They are always looking for another victims. Well done for getting rid of him.

It's a long weekend. Keep yourself busy

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 29/08/2020 14:21

I split up from someone last year. There was another woman or EA.
He was physically and verbally abusive towards me.

I am still not over it, but it is a lot less painful now.
What hurts the most is that I don't know if I was ever anything other than 2nd best.

They get away with it by telling everyone that their ex is a psycho.

He will be abusive to her too.

Keep going, take every five minutes a a time, and eventually it will get easier.

katy1213 · 29/08/2020 14:46

Don't be miserable - you're the winner, you're the one who's got rid of him and he'll be her nasty, abusive problem sooner rather than later.
It's far too soon to think of dating - while you're still a bit bruised, you'll only be flagging up a job vacancy for another loser to enter your life. Take some time out and celebrate your freedom. You might get a taste for it!

FippertyGibbett · 29/08/2020 14:48

He might not be happy, he might just want someone to shag, cook, clean laundry etc.
Look forward and enjoy your freedom !

PicsInRed · 29/08/2020 15:09

She actively chose to have a relationship with a man who was with someone else. He'll have spun her a right line, and she won't believe you if you try to warn her, all that will happen is that you'll bring yourself back into his line of sight - for more abuse.

I'd take this opportunity to get away from him. She's made her choice, that's not your problem to solve. Save yourself.

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 29/08/2020 15:24

Thank you ladies. I think the truth is he never really cared in the beginning so why would he now. He just loved me hanging on to his every word. He will 100% be abusive to her too, he was to his last girlfriend as well. He is a vile vile man and I don’t know why I care so much.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2020 15:41

It's a lucky break for you really, although I know it doesn't feel that way Flowers. Look out if they have a falling out or she starts to see through him, he might try to hoover you back in.

Thing about a guy like this is that he needs a woman to bully and feed his ego, and it doesn't much matter who. It says nothing about you, it's all about him.

I wouldn't start dating, I'd get yourself on the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php and start building yourself a good strong shark cage so you don't get drawn back to him or find another abusive guy, as frequently women who come out of abusive relationships fall in another quite quickly afterwards.

QueenBlueberries · 29/08/2020 15:44

Unfortunately that happens a lot. Some abusive men are incredibly charming at first, and I do understand why you care so much. I have felt the same way in the past. There will be some tough days but you will get through it and you will realise in a couple of months time just how lucky you are to be free from him. Just hang in there, and find things that make you happy. Whatever it is (except drinking too much!!)

Elieza · 29/08/2020 15:49

Glad you got away.

He couldn’t be alone as he’s not as strong as you. He needs a victim to dominate and manipulate. He’s just using her. I feel sorry for her kid though. I hope he is nice to the kid. Nobody deserves to live in fear.

sycamorecottage · 29/08/2020 15:54

1 - you know he's an abuser so you're well rid of him
2 - he's probably already told her you're crazy
3 - her kid... do you know who the father is - could it be your ex?
4 - consider yourself as having had a lucky escape

Sorry you feel so awful Flowers

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/08/2020 15:54

@category12

It's a lucky break for you really, although I know it doesn't feel that way Flowers. Look out if they have a falling out or she starts to see through him, he might try to hoover you back in.

Thing about a guy like this is that he needs a woman to bully and feed his ego, and it doesn't much matter who. It says nothing about you, it's all about him.

I wouldn't start dating, I'd get yourself on the Freedom Programme freedomprogramme.co.uk/search.php and start building yourself a good strong shark cage so you don't get drawn back to him or find another abusive guy, as frequently women who come out of abusive relationships fall in another quite quickly afterwards.

This. Exactly this.

When my children were tiny and I was really struggling I used to mutter “eye of the storm” to myself over and over. Now ignoring the fact that the eye is actually the calm bit (something I realised when I stopped being too tired to check) what I meant was “this is the hardest bit. Once I’m through this it will get easier.” And it was true.

For you one month after leaving an abusive relationship is always going to be a really shit time. But it will get better. Lots better.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2020 16:08

Of course you need time to recover before you date again. The the time you need. Don't be influenced by his overlapping/quick move on ... That's a reflection bog his character.

You think he's happy/will be happy while you lonely etc...
Why? Are abusers happy people? Not really. They make all their relationships unhappy and stressed. Sooner or later.

You should just feel.sorry for his latest victim esp since she's unwisely moved him in fast with her child.

And no, there's no point in trying to tell her. She'll realise in time.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2020 16:08

*Take

nosswith · 29/08/2020 17:22

Depending on the nature of his behaviour, is there any reason to fear that the child may see or hear things they should not, or be harmed in any way? If there is, then police or social services should be aware. Not easy to do, but no-one would want to see a child harmed.

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 29/08/2020 20:02

@nosswith

Depending on the nature of his behaviour, is there any reason to fear that the child may see or hear things they should not, or be harmed in any way? If there is, then police or social services should be aware. Not easy to do, but no-one would want to see a child harmed.
If I had a child I definitely wouldn’t want him around. That is why I am worried for her.
OP posts:
CupoTeap · 29/08/2020 20:08

Op same thing happened with my exh that sort of man has to have someone to stroke his ego in one way or another

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 29/08/2020 20:45

They are so vile 🤢😭

OP posts:
ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 29/08/2020 20:50

Depending on the nature of the abuse, and given that there's a child who might be at risk, I would consider letting her know.

How? I don't know. Perhaps a third party could tell her.

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 29/08/2020 21:17

The only way I could get to her is through his family. She’s already blocked me on Facebook. I highly doubt she will believe anything I tell her as he will have already poisoned her with his lies.

OP posts:
GetThatHelmetOn · 29/08/2020 21:36

OP, I know you must be hurting at him moving on but don’t let your “pride” make you miserable. It is NOT you, there’s nothing wrong with you, it is him that, being abusive, he cannot care about you or anyone else but just about himself and his own needs.

He has shackled up with someone else? May not be love for her but just that he needed free/affordable accommodation. If I were you I would try to be thankful that it is not you who has to put up with him at home.

Considering that he is abusive and she has blocked you already, there is no point for you trying to warn her, she won’t believe whatever you can say, but I will not be surprised if she gets in touch with you in the future to find more about him when he starts being abusive to her.

category12 · 29/08/2020 21:48

Was there police or social services involvement? If so, you could maybe ask them to approach her?

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 30/08/2020 07:31

Police were involved and I know social services are involved with her child, she is vulnerable and I am genuinely concerned however I know she still will not listen. He was seeing her throughout our relationship and I’m sure she’s had many many months of lies about me, he ran to her the night I called the police on him. if I tell the police and they turn up at the door, it’s just adding more fuel to the fire in making me look like the crazy ex.

OP posts:
ChikiTIKI · 30/08/2020 07:48

Did you get crime numbers from the police when there were incidents with your ex. Could you contact social services giving an explanation and the numbers? From what you've said, that's all I can think of for being able to do anything to try and protect the child.

Sorry you went through all this. It's a blessing that you're free of him.

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 30/08/2020 08:19

Yes I have all crime ref and incident numbers. I think I will contact social services.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/08/2020 09:02

I think that's the best thing you can do for the child. At least then it's on social services radar, and they can advise the mother accordingly.

Then you need to concentrate on yourself and getting to a happy place in your life.