Love him but something doesn't feel right

[fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits]

Just looking to see if anyone is or has been in my position.

To cut a long story short, I came out of an emotionally/psychologically abusive relationship a couple of years ago, dated in the time between only to be hurt again. Then I met current partner. Initially I get no connection, no chemistry, simply because he wasn't my type. A year on and I still don't feel it but feel as though our relationship has snowballed. I don't feel we are compatible for a few different reasons but it almost feels like he's my best friend. I just don't feel sexually attracted to him. He relies on me I think, he's has a turbulent upbringing and so is quite needy and attached. Which I guess is fine but I like my space. I worry about how he'd cope if I ended it. I have ended our relationship 3-4 times and each time I feel so bad I go back. He's lovely but I know in my heart there's something missing.

Can someone who's in or has been in this situation advise or tell their story? I'm so used to being around him that to not have him their would feel horrible, but equally I don't feel a sexual attraction in the slightest

Also, the reference to previous abusive relationships is to express my skewed view of a normal relationship. Perhaps I'm wary? I'm definitely guarded but I've never felt this way towards a partner

There is absolutely no point in being with someone you're not sexually attracted to. You might as well be brother and sister if that is the case. You're also wasting each other's chances to be truly happy.

Come on, op. Why are you doing this to yourself again? This relationship simply isn't working for you and it's only going to get worse. How he manages you leaving simply isn't your responsibility, and guilt is literally the worst reason to stay with someone. Doesn't he deserve someone who really loves him? Don't you deserve real happiness?

I'm sorry but I've just got out of a 4 year relationship like this. Save yourself the guilt and heartache and end it now. I felt bad that I didn't have a 'good enough' reason to break up (I did actually - BIG red flags I completely missed!!) but now I know that just not feeling it is a valid choice.

I completely understand about wasting his and my time. I feel guilty for it

If you end it he'll cope just fine! He had a life before you, and will continue to have one after it. You can't feel responsible for him, and you can't continue to drag it out if you're not feeling it (no guilt necessary!). He might feel like a great friend and that's lovely, but if you don't want to actually be in the relationship then it's no good to either of you to continue it. Potentially you're sitting on the fence because he's nice and it's far removed from your previous negative relationship? But nobody wants to either be with someone they don't really want to be with, or be the person someone's with when they don't really want to be there. Do both of you a favour and end it and stick to that decision.

People do have close platonic relationships. Couldn't you be best friends? You obviously both really care about each other, and it seems a shame to throw that all away because you're not having sex?

I'll also add its only been 12mths and you're not feeling it. Are you realistically going to give this the rest of your life because you don't want to upset him? That's presumably a long fucking time! Best to just end it now and mean it vs dragging it out.

@Catsup you're spot on there. I'm probably holding on because he's good to me. However that's not always been the case. I can't let go of certain things. Our families are so involved too, my mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside, he loves my family etc it's just hard

Plus I'm scared to end things, the next person I meet might treat me awfully

Plus I'm scared to end things, the next person I meet might treat me awfully

Only if you allow them to.

OP your other threads are heartbreaking. This abusive rapist is still in your life. I really hope you find the strength to put yourself and your daughters first. Think about what they're learning about relationships.

I agree you are wasting his time and yours by staying in a relationship with someone you aren’t attracted to.
The longer it goes on, the harder it’ll be to end it, all this will come out and there will be more hurt.
“The next person I meet might treat me awfully”

You don’t have to be in a relationship..

End it now, it’s not going to get any easier.

And if you do date again, take it SLOWLY and don’t be so involved with each other’s families after a few months. That’s not sensible.

@Aquamarine1029

Plus I'm scared to end things, the next person I meet might treat me awfully

Only if you allow them to.

@Aquamarine1029

The Op has been in an abusive relationship before. Don’t make it out as if people who end up in abusive relationships it’s somehow their fault. Anyone can end up in an abusive situation. Anyone.

I think you need to create some time apart to make yourself feel stronger and help you separate your needs from his. It sounds like his clinginess has driven him to ‘enmesh’ you in a really accelerated fashion and now your headspace is full of this relationship and you can’t see the woods for the trees.

I reckon that given some time apart you’ll feel much more clear headed and clear sighted and your resolve will strengthen.

It’s clear the relationship isn’t right for you or him. The longer you’re together the more difficult it will feel to leave him and the more entwined your lives will become.

I’d make myself very busy (with work, kids, friends, activities, studying, whatever) and carve some time and space out away from him. Don’t get drawn in to emotional pleas – you’re entitled to your own time and space and it’s completely normal to do your own thing sometimes.

There is no reason at all you can’t meet someone you really like who is also capable of treating people respectfully and lovingly. There are many people like this out there.
Staying with this person is preventing you both from meeting someone you’re really compatible with.

It seems scary but trust me, you’ll be absolutely fine.

@fuckthisforabarrelofbiscuits

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3866666-someone-please-tell-me-what-i-m-meant-to-do-here

I assume you’re referring to the same man you posted about in March?

If so, this man is not your best friend. He is a horrific abusive sexual predator.

You really do need to call Women’s Aid and consider doing the Freedom Programme.

Oh dear just read the other thread. Don’t waste a moment worrying about him, it’s not your problem and trust me he will be absolutely fine. He’s not your responsibility and you can leave a relationship for any reason you want whenever you want.

Can you contact women’s aid? You might not feel it warrants this but I don’t think he respects your physical or personal boundaries and this is making things more difficult for you.

You don’t need to be with him and you are not obliged to be with him either.

How is your relationship with your family OP? I wonder if it feels a bit demoralising that they’re so keen on this man yet he trundles right over your boundaries and pesters you sexually?

Oh OP, just read your past thread a PP linked to.

Tonight he put a lighter to my trousers near my bits

Please finish with him and block him. His issues are not your problem- your safety and comfort is.

OP just read the other thread. Seems like you got a lot of good advice there about ending the relationship and getting this man out of your house

To second all from there - this way of behaving isn't normal, he's being abusive, the abuse is not your fault and you deserve better.

Please get rid of him and as others have said think of the impact on both you and your kids.

Plus I'm scared to end things, the next person I meet might treat me awfully

And if that happens you end the relationship

This is YOUR life. It's not against the law to be single - strive to achieve what makes you happy

Ffs stop settling

The next person might actually be able to make it to a toilet before they start pissing too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4014712-partner-just-pissed-on-the-kitchen-floor

Something doesn't feel right because this is an abusive relationship.

However many times you post, the advice will be the same - get help and get away. This is escalating fast, and you and your children are in danger.