How to tell anxious/depressed partner you really need to end your marriage?

[WakingUp55643]

DH is having such a hard time with anxiety, and I really wish he wasn't, I do care that he's going through this, but having told him almost a year ago how unhappy I am in our relationship, nothing has changed, and is actually worse than ever now.
A bit of background - no sex (or any itimacy at all) for almost 10 years, his obsession with politics over the past few years is driving me nuts, I feel that I do 90% of the childcare/housework on top of working 30 hours per week, it's always me who takes the kids out and feel like a single mum, he doesn't brush his teeth....
So, this has worn me down and I don't want to carry on. I've told him how I feel, we've been to counselling, nothing changes. But now he feels so anxious generally, he says he needs me, he says me and the kids are his only hope, he can't be on his own...
I wish I didn't feel so cold towards him, all I want is a happy home life. but I feel empty inside, and the lack of sex has completely drained me as a woman. He says he's so used to not having any, it doesn't bother him any more, and that I'm prioritising sex over keeping the family together, which makes me selfish.
Now he's saying things like 'let's go out on monday, as a family' when he does f* all as a family in the house, so again I'm made to feel like the bad guy for not being all happy clappy about a family day out. He says it's only ever him who suggests days out.
Anyway, I can't keep wasting my life, and I hate that this seems like an absolutely cruel way to think, but that's how I feel.
I feel stuck.

I don't think you're cruel. You've both given it your best shot, it's not working out, it's too little, too late.

i don't think you're cruel either. i think that if i was in the same situation i'd be considering the same.

You've spent years and years trying to make this work with him - you don't owe him more of your life.

He's emotionally manipulating and blackmailing you. You're not being cruel to call it a day - you're not responsible for him or his MH - only he is.

This morning he was shouting and stomping around because he couldn't get on to his work server on the computer, then when everything was fine half an hour later, he came up to say it was working now. I admit I did blank him a bit, I was late getting ready to go out to work, on top of a dizzying painful first day of period, and he said 'good morning' slightly sarcastically. And then told me it would be nice if I said it back and if I smiled a bit. Not in a having a dig way, more a sad puppy dog way. I'm expected just to brush everything off and be the happy wife.
Thanks for the replies all xx

Of course he wants you to stay.
You do his cooking, cleaning etc.

You've had enough. It is not selfish to leave.

And even if it was - so bloody what?! You are allowed to put yourself first, especially after 10 years of putting him first.

Agreed he is trying to guilt and shame you into staying with him. Why are his wants and needs more important? And it’s a bit rich him trying to use family to blackmail you emotionally when he’s not doing his bit.

Bugger it op. You gave it the old college try and it hasn't worked. You deserve to get yourself out and be happy. No point in you both being miserable bastards together. And I suspect his 'anxiety' is in part, just manipulation.

Plus he is bound to be anxious that his unpaid cook, maid and babysitter is thinking if leaving him!

You deserve happiness op. Your kids deserve a happy mum too.

Oh ffs. I couldn't be bothered with the immature tantrumming, let alone the passive agressive guilt trips. I'd be asking him to tell me why, from my point of view, I should be staying, what does he think I get out of the relationship at this point? Because from where I'm sitting, there's everything in it for him, in you staying, and sweet fanny adams for you.

It's your husband's job to manage his anxiety. Not yours. And I'm talking as a person who has suffered depression and anxiety for years and ultimately received a diagnosis of c-ptsd. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his own health. Obviously a spouse should be supportive but not ultimately responsible. You have tried. You can't do more than that.

You've gave it a year AFTER you told him you were unhappy. You want to give him your WHOLE life? No. You deserve better than this. Time to organise yourself for a separation.

You haven't had sex in ten years and he doesn't respect you enough to brush his teeth? But he seems to have energy to learn about and talk about politics?

You need to harden yourself, realise you tried but you are NOT responsible in any way, shape or form for someone else's happiness , mental health or stability. Your only responsibility is to be honest and fair.

@WakingUp55643

This morning he was shouting and stomping around because he couldn't get on to his work server on the computer, then when everything was fine half an hour later, he came up to say it was working now. I admit I did blank him a bit, I was late getting ready to go out to work, on top of a dizzying painful first day of period, and he said 'good morning' slightly sarcastically. And then told me it would be nice if I said it back and if I smiled a bit. Not in a having a dig way, more a sad puppy dog way. I'm expected just to brush everything off and be the happy wife. Thanks for the replies all xx

He's very selfish, isn't he? Your needs and emotions take the back-seat all the time to the main event of his, I bet.

You've glne from being his wife abd mother of his children to being his carer/sipport worker/mother.

I did the same for my husband and it wears very thin after a while.
My husband had severe mental health problems which took precedence over everything in our lives.
He also used to threaten suicide when i threatened to leave (usually after i caught him flirting with other women/having emotional affairs)

I ended my marriage just over 2 years ago and you know what, he is still alive and managing to run a home on his own even though he couldnt manage it when we were married.

He attempted suicide 3 times but i dont think they were real attempts, they were emotional blackmail towards me.

He has finally got on top of his severe mental health problems and is doing really well.
For years he had counselling and didnt disclose the full truth of his childhood so he never addressed his issues and just wallowed in his depression.
I'm sure he wallowed because he could, because i held the fort at home and did everything for him so why did he need to get better.

I did feel guilty especially as he had no family or friends but at the end of the day my happiness is also important.

There's lots he could be doing to take responsibility for himself and work on his anxiety and depression- I'm guessing he hasn't bothered though?

No judgement for you here, I work in mental health but there's no way I'd want a partner with mental illness, especially if he did fuck all to help himself and expected me to suck it up.

God...politics! Yawn. I’ve got this in my marriage too and it’s getting/got worse over lockdown and trump etc. I get it from my best mate too. Total navel gazing/grandstanding/posturing and I’m the audience. I’m drained. I DON’T CARE what other people’s opinions are on Brexit. I just want to be left in peace, do a bit of yoga, eat a bacon sandwich and watch crime programmes on Netflix. Leave me alone! I get you OP. It’s exhausting to have your brain space invaded by this crap.

@Bunnymumybunny Yes, I do deserve happiness. That was the first thing my counsellor said to me when I told her everything. And yes I do feel like I'm his mother more than anything else. He says he feels really insulted when I say we're more friends than husband and wife.
@User856334967 I literally can't be within a couple of metres of him because of the teeth thing. Again, my counsellor was absolutely furious about this!!
@SortingItOut I also feel guilty as his family are 300 miles away and he has no friends. I feel like I'd be abandoning him to nothing.
@JudyGemstone He's on anti d's, but has ignored my suggestions to go out and have a walk round the block to clear his head. He'd rather lie on the sofa on an evening and watch endless Ben Shapiro videos, while I take the kids outside to play or we go upstairs to their room.
@bakedoff Absolutely draining! Four years of it so far.......

He's not even prepared to go to the effort of brushing his teeth. That's how much he respects you, and values the relationship, how much work he's prepared to do, to make it work.

He's a grown man of full capacity. He can get off his chuff and make friends, or he can move closer to his family.

Also forgot to say that i would never date or get in a relationship ever with someone with mental health issues ever again.

I know that sounds awful but its the truth, i wasted 19 years of my life being controlled by someones mental health and i wont do it again

He can say he needs you, that doesn't mean his needs outweigh yours. Having mental health issues does not mean anyone you decide should be looking after you and facilitating for you as easy a life as possible has to do so. He can't dictate to you.

Lack of sexual contact and intimacy has been a huge issue in my marriage in the past and I too got the "you're prioritising sex over the family" sneering- anyone saying that can fuck off; their wish to live a sexless life is fine, I don't share that wish and I don't have to stay with someone who won't accept that my needs matter as much as theirs. And neither do you.

[quote WakingUp55643]**@Bunnymumybunny* Yes, I do* deserve happiness. That was the first thing my counsellor said to me when I told her everything. And yes I do feel like I'm his mother more than anything else. He says he feels really insulted when I say we're more friends than husband and wife.
@User856334967 I literally can't be within a couple of metres of him because of the teeth thing. Again, my counsellor was absolutely furious about this!!
@SortingItOut I also feel guilty as his family are 300 miles away and he has no friends. I feel like I'd be abandoning him to nothing.
@JudyGemstone He's on anti d's, but has ignored my suggestions to go out and have a walk round the block to clear his head. He'd rather lie on the sofa on an evening and watch endless Ben Shapiro videos, while I take the kids outside to play or we go upstairs to their room.
@bakedoff Absolutely draining! Four years of it so far.......[/quote]
I know it's not the main problem but if he's getting his political information from Ben Shapiro that's worrying, that guy really brainwashes people just talking shite.

AntiDs are fine but they don't help someone get to the root of the problems and they don't teach coping skills.

Talking therapies are needed for this.

But if I was you I'd walk, he's had his chances.

"He's not even prepared to go to the effort of brushing his teeth. That's how much he respects you, and values the relationship, how much work he's prepared to do, to make it work."

This. And as to being insulted when you say you're more friends than husband and wife - what on earth does he expect after nearly 10 years without sex?

It's great to see you're ready to move on, OP. You may need to harden your heart against him to take those steps but you've tried all you can to save this relationship and he hasn't even bothered to brush his teeth. Life is not a dress rehearsal - we only have this one shot at it and you need to live it for yourself and your children, not for him. You will also be setting a very good example to your children in taking this step i.e. that this is not what a good relationship looks like and it's okay to leave one which is causing you such unhappiness.

Good luck, OP. Get some real life support and keep posting here also if it helps.

I have suffered anxiety and depression for the last three years (been with my husband four years). I would class it as severe at times. Of course I have shared my worries with DH that he will eventually get sick of me but would never put him under emotional pressure to stay with me because I need him etc. I don't use my condition as an excuse to be rude, unhelpful or difficult to live with. How is your DH managing his illness? Therapy, medication, diet are all options. My DH has seen me try everything possible to be better, perhaps that is what is missing for you. I sympathise with your DH but dont think you are being unreasonable.

Swap the word ‘anxious’ for ‘utterly manipulative’

He doesn't have sex, he doesn't brush his teeth, he's anxious, his wife understandably wants to leave him AND HE WANTS TO STAY LIKE THIS? Crikey, low bar or what. It's tempting to say, "leave FGS, you'd be doing both of you a favour" but that would be a bit too flippant.

Thanks everyone x I know I just have to be tough and be clear about what I want. I've got the next four days off work with him and I'm dreading it. I even sit in the car park at work to avoid coming home. So I really can't do this for the next forty years. I could be missing out on so much. And I so want my two boys to see what a real adult relationship is, because it's certainly not this. Ffs, I'm quite attractive, keep myself fit, am reasonably fun (I think, lol!) and have been told by a few men that I'm the perfect woman! (I assume they're not taking the piss ha ha!) So I would just love someone to love me, hold me, touch my hand, hug me from behind while I'm washing up, give me a damn good seeing to, and just be there for me. It's not too much to ask is it?!!!!

How angry would you be on your daughter's behalf, if she told you she was being treated like this by her partner? Your sister? Your best friend? Hell, would you wish this on your worst enemy?!

Get mad. Get gone. You deserve so, so much more. Go grab it with both hands!