How to tell anxious/depressed partner you really need to end your marriage?

[WakingUp55643]

DH is having such a hard time with anxiety, and I really wish he wasn't, I do care that he's going through this, but having told him almost a year ago how unhappy I am in our relationship, nothing has changed, and is actually worse than ever now.
A bit of background - no sex (or any itimacy at all) for almost 10 years, his obsession with politics over the past few years is driving me nuts, I feel that I do 90% of the childcare/housework on top of working 30 hours per week, it's always me who takes the kids out and feel like a single mum, he doesn't brush his teeth....
So, this has worn me down and I don't want to carry on. I've told him how I feel, we've been to counselling, nothing changes. But now he feels so anxious generally, he says he needs me, he says me and the kids are his only hope, he can't be on his own...
I wish I didn't feel so cold towards him, all I want is a happy home life. but I feel empty inside, and the lack of sex has completely drained me as a woman. He says he's so used to not having any, it doesn't bother him any more, and that I'm prioritising sex over keeping the family together, which makes me selfish.
Now he's saying things like 'let's go out on monday, as a family' when he does f* all as a family in the house, so again I'm made to feel like the bad guy for not being all happy clappy about a family day out. He says it's only ever him who suggests days out.
Anyway, I can't keep wasting my life, and I hate that this seems like an absolutely cruel way to think, but that's how I feel.
I feel stuck.

Your op could have been written by me 5 years ago. I stayed because I was worried about what it would mean for the children because he “couldn’t live without” me. I stayed because I felt bad for him. I stayed because he is not close to his family. I stayed because he had no friends. I stayed because I was “everything” to him. But do you know what the outcome of that was? I completely lost myself. Then early this year I realised how much I had done so. I ‘woke up’ and saw that it would never change because he relied on me for everything. I let that happen. In trying to be everything for him to make his life better mind was empty. He wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy. That is no kind of life.

I made the decision that I was going to end our marriage and a few weeks later I did. He didn’t react well, his mental health took a massive dive. BUT that was not my fault, nor was it my responsibility to help him. I am telling you this because one thing that helped me through was people telling me that a persons actions and reactions are down to them. Yes he was reacting to what I did. But how he reacted was not my fault. I spent years thinking that one day we would find the answer to helping him get better. That was never going to happen because he did not fully open up about all the things that made him the way he is.

It is not his fault that he has mental health issues, but he is responsible for getting, and PROPERLY engaging with the the appropriate services. Don’t make the mistake I did and stay out of a sense of duty and responsibility. Don’t feel bad for him. Be strong for you, be strong for your children, and let him realise that he has to be strong for himself. Be prepared for the possibility that he will react badly, but do not let that stop you moving forward with your life.

Thank you. It really does help to hear others experiences. Tonight has been weird. He wanted to sit and talk about his dad, and mine, both who have died. Then he said he had been trying to talk to ds1 today because he hardly gets a word out of him, which he doesn't. Me and ds1 talk all the time and have fun together, despite his pre-teen grumpiness. But he doesn't connect with with ds1 much at all, he's just so unnatural with him. So dh ended up putting his usual questionable things on youtube and me and the kids went out of the way. We played hangman for ages and had a proper laugh while he moped downstairs. We're so much happier just the three of us. Of course I want him and the kids to have a good relationship, but we're so much more relaxed when we do our own thing.

Sounds like he was trying to depress you maybe?
Misery loves company, as they say. Perhaps trying to find common ground in order to recreate unity...
Very odd though.

Think you know what you want now anyway. And it's not a life being miserable with him. Good luck with your next moves!

You are not cruel and you deserve to be happy. Him saying he cant live without you is manipulative and your wellbeing and happiness is suffering and thats not fair. I hope you can find a way out of this.

And this morning he woke up early, I was hoping he'd get up and give me a couple of hours to be comfortable and get back to sleep, but he was crying and wanted me to hold his hand, so I just lay there uncomfortable and not asleep. . . . Now he's sorting out washing and asking if I'm ok, if I'm happy, like some insipid cheery small talk. Of course I don't want him to feel crap, but can't just be here to hold his hand and cheer him up.

There doesn't need to be a divorce if he changes but perhaps a separation is the kick that is needed for him to actually make changes. Has he been to the GP for medication for his anxiety and depression? It can take some time to get the right meds combination that work/the right dose but these can make a massive difference - there are millions of people on these meds who are thriving as a result. There's also CBT therapy available for him via GP (him only, you're not the problem). It will take time but the problems are solvable, however he needs to seek the help that's out there. You laying it down that if he doesn't change and explore all these options could mean the end of the marriage should get him out of inertia. Make clear that he must start a plan immediately, starting by booking a GP appointment (perhaps you could go along with him to ensure he doesn't downplay anything and GP refers?)

Sorry you're going through this OP, you've been doing brilliantly supporting him and the family. Hope this works out

Sounds like he actually just enjoys bringing you down op.

Not a healthy way to live.

Just a bit of an update. Following the hand holding thing the other morning, he asked for a hug yesterday. I held my arms out and he hugged me rather than me hugging him, I just felt so uncomfortable. Was I wrong to go with it? I feel that refusing him would have been cruel, the way he was feeling. But maybe I've made it worse and I should have said no???
He spent ages telling me about all the things that make him anxious, and that he's had another complaint at work, and that he feels like he's waiting for whatever else might be coming round the corner and is sometimes close to tears. And then he asks me again if there's anything I want to say, anything making me stressed,as if he has no idea!!!! I can't really just say yeah I've spent an extra ten minutes in the shower bent double with crying over how I feel about being trapped with you for the rest of my life!!!!
This morning it was all cheery "good morning" and paying attention to the kids (although not any preparation for school) The other day he gave me "your plants are looking nice, you're really good at gardening, just like your mum" just polite chatty stuff you would say to your granny......
I know there's nothing more anyone can add to the responses I've already had, which I really appreciate. I would love just to spill it all and let him know exactly how I feel, but it feels like totally the wrong time to kick him while he's down x

Does he know you're on Mumsnet or otherwise realise you're seriously contemplating leaving him?

Call me cynical but I feel like he's stepping up the woe to emotionally blackmail you into staying.

Absolutely agree with category on this one. It seems very calculated to remind you that he's sad and needs you. He's not tackling the actual issues, just reinforcing the thought that you can't leave him.

You are NOT responsible for his happiness. Only for your own.
Find a good counselor for him or a psychologist if that makes you feel better. But leave. And choose you! Choose life choose happiness .

I left my anxious/ depressed husband nearly 2 years ago now. He was unemployed at the time. I didn’t know how he would cope but he did! It’s not been plain sailing but we divorced and sold the house. He’s currently staying with his parents as his anxiety is really bad. I still feel a bit of guilt but it’s really wonderful not to be looking after and being responsible for him anymore!

endless Ben Shapiro videos

He's a lost man if he's on the BS videos. BS is a disgusting little right wing misogynist.

Don't waste any more of your life with this man. It sounds like it's over from your side.

@category12 He doesn't know I'm on here. He'd be horrified to think I was revealing all our problems to anyone who might be listening. When I told him I'd gone to a counsellor myself he was really upset that I'd spoken to a stranger about our relationship rather than speak to him. Clearly because I needed a neutral ear, not his!

@thinkofablinkingnamewoman It does sound calculated, and he did say again "i need you, ok" during the hug. But without going into the way he is (incapable of booking train tickets by himself, asking for help constantly with simple things like that) I don't think he's got a calculating brain. I could be wrong though.

@Yeahnahmum He has had counselling from Mind during lockdown, and is taking antidepressants, so is trying to sort it out, but it still leaves me feeling like I have to stick by him.

I know I need to choose happiness, and when I'm here on MN I feel really supported and strong, but as soon as he's there in front of me it just all goes.

@MrsSpookyM Yep, having thought I'd told him enough times about the youtube videos in the past few weeks (it's been going on since Brexit...), sure enough he put BS (apt initials) on the telly just as I was going out to do the food shopping on saturday night, bearing in mind the kids were staying in with him while I went out. I saw them both look up at me as if to say 'not this shit again' and I said plainly to him that having this on the family telly in the sitting room literally drives his children away, and to put something on for them. He said "oh, I didn't realise..." and I slammed the door and left. it remains to be seen whether that had any effect...

Telling him will be the easy part - prepare yourself for all sorts of grade A arseholery afterwards. He might get nasty when his pleading and crying manipulations don't work.

I also very much doubt he will agree to leave wherever you live. So you'll need to figure out housing. Id have a plan all organised first because you will not want to be stuck living with him for months afterwards it will be horrendous.

If you need to feel better about this, remind yourself that he is clearly utterly miserable too and once you are through the tough part it might be the best thing that's happened to both of you in a long while.

I don't think he needs to be calculating, it could be instinctive - he feels you pulling away, he seeks your sympathy.

The fact that he wants to keep everything private between the two of you is quite manipulative - shining a light on what's happening, having other people's opinions - it reveals how abnormal it all is.

Again, I don't think he necessarily sits there and works out how to manipulate you, but rather it's a pattern of behaviour that works and rewards him.

@category12 That does make sense. Yes, if I had gone to him and said that I feel so unfulfilled as a woman, he would have just dismissed it and said I was being ridiculous. But when I told the counsellor, she made it clear this is not a normal healthy relationship, and I am within my rights to want a physical relationship, it's ok not to be happy, and that my happiness is important and I should not feel as if I should leave my feelings last in line. He has since said that the counsellor has caused all of this unhappiness and that everything had been fine til I went to see her.

What he means is, everything was fine for him, he could just dismiss & shut you up and not have to face up to the fact you're genuinely miserable in the relationship. Complete ostrich move.