Help - how to tell DH I want a divorce

[bananamango]

I want to get a divorce - I’m so unhappy in my marriage and have been for years. I won’t go into all the details - I would have to write a whole book on what’s wrong with my 20 year marriage and has been almost from the start. Briefly, DH was a very heavy drinker when I met him, has cut back over the years but on any given day can have a total blowout and get completely trolleyed so that he can’t walk (in his 50s) and I never know when that day will be, he is and always has been extremely controlling and essentially doesn’t want to let me out of his sight, this includes financial control, and in subtle ways preventing me from seeing my family who are not in this country. And he has over the last ten years or so developed an obsessive belief in ever weirder conspiracy theories - some are just downright bizarre and dangerous (QAnon) and is now openly explaining his beliefs about how flesh eating satanic paedophile politicians are running the world to our three children (boys 16, 14, 12). When I tell him I don’t agree with or like his beliefs he says I am close-minded and refuse to see the ‘truth’. I’m sick of the weirdness and the misery. He’s never been violent but has always been emotionally/psychologically controlling. We are financially comfortable but he is ruthlessly controlling over what we can/can’t spend money on as essentially he had all the money when we married.

With the help of a couple of really good friends I am finally getting to the point where I’m ready to tell him. For the sake of my kids and the rest of my life I need to get away from him.

I’m naturally really scared of taking this huge step into the unknown. I’ve done what i can to get ready - set up my own bank account, spoken to lawyers and chosen one, taken pictures of various financial/bank statements etc.

However the thing that I can’t get my head around is what ‘actually happens’ in the first days/weeks. I don’t think that he will offer to leave the house - he will dig in. I don’t want to leave the house as I’m not British and don’t have any family in this country. Plus I don’t want to give him free rein with the kids and for them to equate the breakdown of the marriage with when mummy ‘left them’. There’s nowhere I can go with all three kids immediately - we have a nice family home and the 14yo is autistic so he loves his familiarity and routine. He’s high functioning and absolutely hates his dad at the minute so he’ll be OK with the idea of the breakup but would not be Ok with finding himself in my friend’s spare bedroom with me and his two brothers.

So we’ll have to stay under the same roof but be ‘separated’. I have lots of questions about these first days/weeks that I would love to heard other people’s experiences.

We’ll be effectively separated but living under the same roof. Has anyone lived through that?

How long do you normally wait before telling him, and having the divorced papers served on him?

He is going to be really angry and argumentative - that’s one of our problems he thinks he knows EVERYTHING and always wins arguments as I get scared/confused/give in. How long do I put up with him trying to argue the rights/wrong of the breakup (given we’ll be stuck in the same house) before I just refuse to discuss it with him any more?

What if he tries to totally cut me off from any money?

Can you effectively ‘share custody’ in the beginning to show that you’re separate ie did you take turns at responsibility for the kids while still under the same roof? He’s never been a great dad in the sense of taking total responsibility for them ie i have NEVER EVER been able to leave all three with him. Again I’m worried that the kids will think I’m awful if mummy who has always been there totally for them starts to say - no it’s daddy’s day - when I am still living in the house with them.

This is really really long but I’ve been working up to this for practically the whole 20 years and I am scared and need to feel like I have some plans for myself in the early days as i know he is going to be really difficult. He has always kept me under control in a coercive way and I’m not confident about standing up for myself against the barrage that I know he’s going to hit me with.

If anyone could share any similar experiences and advice it would help me so much. I’m scared but I know I have to do this.

Can you get the divorce started? Online is easy, print it out and tell him that’s what you are doing, it’s started so he can’t talk you around, Have someone, a friend with you but in a nearby room, if you think he’s violent rope in a friends partner too?

Tell him that it’s happening, then ask him what he wants to do regards property, seeing children etc offer him time to think about what he wants, tell him that are happy to plan this together. If he gets aggressive, violent you can ask for him to be removed temporarily by the police (who will seen it all before).

Have an income to pay for the house? Have you got copies of bank statements etc?

What advice did your solicitor give regarding trying to get him to leave? You describe coercive control, would an occupation order be suitable? Would the plan be to sell the house and split the money or could you afford to buy him out? Do you have a job/income?

@Choppedupapple

Can you get the divorce started? Online is easy, print it out and tell him that’s what you are doing, it’s started so he can’t talk you around, Have someone, a friend with you but in a nearby room, if you think he’s violent rope in a friends partner too?

Tell him that it’s happening, then ask him what he wants to do regards property, seeing children etc offer him time to think about what he wants, tell him that are happy to plan this together. If he gets aggressive, violent you can ask for him to be removed temporarily by the police (who will seen it all before).

Have an income to pay for the house? Have you got copies of bank statements etc?

Thank you so much CUA - he's about to pick me up from station will reply more later .

Thanks Gracie will reply properly later. About to meet him at train station.

Sit down with a trusted friend and work out what you need in terms of property including income, whether you can get a job or what benefits you would be eligible for. If you don't have a handle on the finances (bills etc) start doing that so you can budget. Well done for taking the first step.

Good luck with it. Stay strong

How’s things OP?

@Choppedupapple thanks so much for checking. It's been impossible for me to post as we are at home together 24/7 and he watches everything. He hates it if I'm on my phone when we are watching TV and will try to psych me out or say 'are you watching this or what??'. Like I said - he is so subtly controlling in nearly every bit of my life.

On the advice of a really good friend I have been trying to get ready for this in the last couple months. I do have copies of bank statements etc and I had a pretty good handle on our finances in general terms anyway.

I have spoken to a couple of lawyers and chosen one who came recommended. I know it's expensive but I have no family in this country and three years ago moved to where DH grew up so feeling a bit isolated. My support network where we lived before is still there but not nearby. I've made a few really good friends here since moving so am not totally alone. One in particular is an incredible support and I know she'll be there for me if I need her.

The lawyer ran through all our assets and gave me his opinion on what the split would be and that sounded ok. DH has all the money when we married and I had nearly nothing but after 20 years and three kids it seems I'm def entitled to half. But he will def feel like I'm robbing him and the majority should be his.

The hard thing is he's such an overwhelming controlling person and he's always been able to bully me in arguments so starting this is going to be so scary. He will try to argue me into desperation and mental/emotional exhaustion. At the same time he's always made ME feel responsible for HIS emotional well-being. I'm worried he'll fall completely to bits and will be unable to / refuse to accept that it's over and move on to talking about finances / kids so we'll be stuck in a horrible limbo.

That was one of my questions - how long do I give him to come to terms with it before I insist that we have to sort out the money and the kids and move on? Is it possible to do that while still under the same roof?

I'd like to get the ball rolling with the paperwork ASAP but I will get the solicitor to do that for me or draw up the petition and send it to him.

OMG I've gone on and on...

I lived with my ex for over a year after we separated but it was hard work and I wouldn't recommend it for any longer than absolutely necessary. Do you have a spare room you can move into?

My ex and I did share the DC to a degree although I inevitably ended up doing the majority. How old are your DC? If you're worried about them perhaps build up the time you leave them with their DF slowly. Start with the odd trips to the shops.

As pp have said I would suggest you prepare the divorce papers and provide him with a copy when you tell him. Have somewhere you can go for the night if he kicks off but I do understand you don't want to leave longer term. If you do go back / stay you need to greyrock as much as possible and not enter in to any argument with him. This way he cant manipulate you as much. Good luck OP 💐

Thanks @Fairycake2 we do have a spare room with it's own shower and I'm more than happy to move in there. I sleep there sometimes already when I can't bear any more of his truly shocking snoring. But that's rare because - typically - he gets grumpy and acts wounded that I didn't stay in our room.

DSs are 16, 14 and 12. DS14 is autistic and really doesn't like DH at all. They've never really got along. Honestly DH sometimes interacts with him as if he has no idea he is autistic and only met him for the first time that day. Eldest also has his issues with DH but nowhere near like DS14. DS12 is a sweetie and I worry about him as he is most likely to feel he has to take on responsibility for DH emotional state. If/when it comes to separate homes and access I wouldn't be at all surprised if DS12 feels he should 'stay with Daddy' as he'll feel sorry for him. He def gets on best w DH out of the three of them.

It's not that I don't think he is capable of having them on his own - he actually has done that on occasion when I've had to go away for work - but he makes a meal of it and acts like he's a martyr. I do worry about his ability to do it when it's because the marriage has ended.

I'm more worried that the kids 'equate' the end of the marriage with 'mummy left' - that's why I don't want to move out. Certainly not without them. And I'd struggle as I'd have to rent somewhere and that's expensive round here. We have a nice family home and are financially secure but obvs not so secure when we have to cut it all in half. I have a job but it's part time and not enough for rent/bills for me and the kids short term.

Thanks for the advice re paperwork. Hopefully I'll speak to the lawyer tomorrow and will then know when I could have the papers so I'm ready.

One of my close friends has actually done some role play with me about how to greyrock. It's such good advice thanks and the only way I think I'll get through this. It's not my natural way but I'll have to do it to protect myself.

Thanks so much.

@bakedoff thanks so much

@GracieLouFreebushh sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. I do have a job but it's part time and isn't enough to pay the bills on this house. We do have a lot of savings tho and with my share of those I probably could buy him out and keep the house going but I'd probably have to go full time. That's tricky as jobs are obvs scarcer re CV19 plus we have a child with special needs and I need to be a bit more available for him as he often has issues at school as well as lots of meetings and appointments about him etc.

Solicitor was pretty hard core (that's why I went with him). He said that only one or two of the many many stories I told him about DH weird beliefs and what he was telling the kids was enough for 'unreasonable behaviour' grounds for divorce. Can't remember exactly what he said about occupation order at the beginning as it was about six weeks ago (hopefully speaking to him again tomorrow) bit he did say that if DH made life intolerable for me/kids we would seek occupation.

I actually 'interviewed' three solicitors and each one said 'he's clearly unwell' when I told them about his beliefs/obsessions.

Did you manage to speak to your solicitor today, bananamango? Are you feeling a bit more confident?

OP - I did that. Filed for divorce and we lived together through negotiations. It took about a year until things were agreed and papers filed.
Money wise - as we and the kids lived in the same place - status quo had to be maintained. H had to payed the bills and food, etc. If he didn’t - lawyers would have made him.
(Happened to a friend of mine whose H didn’t give her food money and she had none to feed their child. Was rectified quickly by a lawyer)

So - my advice - is to get your solicitor to file the petition and then tell him.
However - you’ll need to prepare for a year+ of difficult times. He will go through lots of phases of anger. Hopefully it won’t turn physical. It does sometimes with some - and this is where you have to stay firm and use police.
In the end - you’ll need to develop strong defences. He will try to manipulate and intimidate you. He will try to make you feel guilty. He will claim you are robbing him. Another friend - went through just that for 1.5years. It was hell. I kept telling her to ignore and not take it personally, but it’s hard.
Main thing - after 20 years of marriage and living that way - you have all the rights to whatever court decides. Half, or more, or whatever.
Be prepared that he may not want to let you buy him out of the house - Purely out of spite. Don’t fixate on the actual house - just don’t give up and fight for the assets you are entitled to

An update...FINALLY after 5 months of nerves I told him two weeks ago that I want a divorce. It was tough the first week - he said lots of strange things (he always does) aligned with his conspiracy theories like 'this is what I get for being a truth seeker' and 'why now when everything I've predicted for the last ten years is coming true' The last was apparently to do with Biden being inaugurated in the US which meant that the 'bad guys' had won. He handed me two typed sides of A4 and said 'this is why we are breaking up'. They were both effectively psychological diagnoses of me - one sheet was all about how I have PTSD due to having had a fairly strict Catholic mother and the other sheet was about how I have 'narcissistic personality disorder'!!! This is from a man who told me on the day I asked for a divorce 'I'm one in a million - I know what's REALLY GOING ON IN THE WORLD' and went on to say 'in 400 years no-one has figured out the true meaning of all the Shakespeare's plays but me'. But somehow I'm the narcissist!! He also said the usual stuff about how I'm ruining 5 peoples lives (him, me and the three DS) but I managed to not let him draw me into arguments that he would almost certainly win. I just greyrocked him and it worked for me.

Anyway we have moved fairly quickly towards him accepting that it is over and we have had one conversation about how we think we should handle things going forward. So I'm a bit shocked at how quickly we've got to this point.

Obviously it will get tricky when we move on to discussing the house, the money and the kids but I feel like I've. come so far since my original post back in August.

Thanks everyone for your help.

Great news OP!

You are doing yourself and especially your sons a great service getting them away from a conspiracy nutter.

Know that you are not alone, I was amazed to find this site....

www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/

Great update.
Stay strong. 💐
Are you going to have to leave your home?

I also meant to ask about DC but hit post too soon, how are they?

Well done OP it was clearly a massive step for you. Now lean on those friends and make it stick!

[quote Iflyaway]Great news OP!

You are doing yourself and especially your sons a great service getting them away from a conspiracy nutter.

Know that you are not alone, I was amazed to find this site....

www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/[/quote]
@Iflyaway thank you so much!! I'll check that out. I've read a few pages/articles/sites about the devastating impact that these theories are having on relationships and families and those have definitely given me so much comfort and strength.

Well done x

@Weenurse

Great update. Stay strong. 💐 Are you going to have to leave your home?

@Weenurse thank you - its amazing how having someone come straight back with stay strong can make the alone-ness not as bad!

We have not told the boys yet, we agreed that we'd try to make some more progress on the practical side so we have much more concrete things to tell them eg where we're all going to live and when.

Well done, good luck moving forward 💐💐

Banana I'm so delighted for you. I wish you every happiness in your new life. 💐 As it happens a friend I used to meet up with at a Mums' group years ago also became obsessed with QAnon more recently and her marriage has also broken up.

Well done and keep strong! Theres bound to be times where he spots you wobbling and will try some emotional blackmail. The utter joke, he's the only one who knows what Shakespeare really meant!!