Help - how to tell DH I want a divorce

[bananamango]

I want to get a divorce - I’m so unhappy in my marriage and have been for years. I won’t go into all the details - I would have to write a whole book on what’s wrong with my 20 year marriage and has been almost from the start. Briefly, DH was a very heavy drinker when I met him, has cut back over the years but on any given day can have a total blowout and get completely trolleyed so that he can’t walk (in his 50s) and I never know when that day will be, he is and always has been extremely controlling and essentially doesn’t want to let me out of his sight, this includes financial control, and in subtle ways preventing me from seeing my family who are not in this country. And he has over the last ten years or so developed an obsessive belief in ever weirder conspiracy theories - some are just downright bizarre and dangerous (QAnon) and is now openly explaining his beliefs about how flesh eating satanic paedophile politicians are running the world to our three children (boys 16, 14, 12). When I tell him I don’t agree with or like his beliefs he says I am close-minded and refuse to see the ‘truth’. I’m sick of the weirdness and the misery. He’s never been violent but has always been emotionally/psychologically controlling. We are financially comfortable but he is ruthlessly controlling over what we can/can’t spend money on as essentially he had all the money when we married.

With the help of a couple of really good friends I am finally getting to the point where I’m ready to tell him. For the sake of my kids and the rest of my life I need to get away from him.

I’m naturally really scared of taking this huge step into the unknown. I’ve done what i can to get ready - set up my own bank account, spoken to lawyers and chosen one, taken pictures of various financial/bank statements etc.

However the thing that I can’t get my head around is what ‘actually happens’ in the first days/weeks. I don’t think that he will offer to leave the house - he will dig in. I don’t want to leave the house as I’m not British and don’t have any family in this country. Plus I don’t want to give him free rein with the kids and for them to equate the breakdown of the marriage with when mummy ‘left them’. There’s nowhere I can go with all three kids immediately - we have a nice family home and the 14yo is autistic so he loves his familiarity and routine. He’s high functioning and absolutely hates his dad at the minute so he’ll be OK with the idea of the breakup but would not be Ok with finding himself in my friend’s spare bedroom with me and his two brothers.

So we’ll have to stay under the same roof but be ‘separated’. I have lots of questions about these first days/weeks that I would love to heard other people’s experiences.

We’ll be effectively separated but living under the same roof. Has anyone lived through that?

How long do you normally wait before telling him, and having the divorced papers served on him?

He is going to be really angry and argumentative - that’s one of our problems he thinks he knows EVERYTHING and always wins arguments as I get scared/confused/give in. How long do I put up with him trying to argue the rights/wrong of the breakup (given we’ll be stuck in the same house) before I just refuse to discuss it with him any more?

What if he tries to totally cut me off from any money?

Can you effectively ‘share custody’ in the beginning to show that you’re separate ie did you take turns at responsibility for the kids while still under the same roof? He’s never been a great dad in the sense of taking total responsibility for them ie i have NEVER EVER been able to leave all three with him. Again I’m worried that the kids will think I’m awful if mummy who has always been there totally for them starts to say - no it’s daddy’s day - when I am still living in the house with them.

This is really really long but I’ve been working up to this for practically the whole 20 years and I am scared and need to feel like I have some plans for myself in the early days as i know he is going to be really difficult. He has always kept me under control in a coercive way and I’m not confident about standing up for myself against the barrage that I know he’s going to hit me with.

If anyone could share any similar experiences and advice it would help me so much. I’m scared but I know I have to do this.

Well done OP! It great that you were able to task the steps necessary to move on to a life that is better for your and your children. The first step is the hardest and that is done. You are brave and courageous! A great role model for your children.
Is he willing to move out?
Could he stay with family?

@Halfagonyhalfhope thank you! I'm feeling better every day. Still lots of c hard stuff to get through but starting it off was the hardest thing I've ever done so if I can do that I can do the rest. It's really a big thing this conspiracy / Q / cult stuff. So many people have been drawn into it and it is devastating families and relationships. I cannot tell you how awful it is living with someone who has gone down this path. Everything they believe is miserable horrible dark negative. I have read lots of other people's stories and some could literally be mine word for word. One of the common themes tho is that you simply cannot shake their belief that they are 'right' and that if you don't agree you are a sad mind-controlled limpet who won't face up to 'the truth'.

@OneFootintheRave thanks you! I know... the Shakespeare thing! My friend articulated it so well a few weeks ago and it was so simple I couldn't believe I'd never put it into words like that. She said he clearly has a desperate need to be special/better than - and the way he dies that is by reading like mad - and I mean it he reads reads reads ALL THE TIME - so the he KNOWS more than anyone else. It's about his NEED to be special. And then he sits there with this look on his face that says 'I'm know so much more about everything than you but I'm trying really really hard not to look superior and condescending aren't I nice??' Problem is his act is so ridiculous he just ends up being superior and condescending the whole time. Then tells ME that I have narcissistic personality disorder!!

@Heartofgoldmumof2 thank you. We agreed that we would both stay in the house and cohabit politely for the sake of the kids who don't know yet. He wanted to wait til we have a few more things about the future sorted out. I am ok with that but it's a hard like to walk as at the same time I'm keen to move on and make the complete break. But we have a bit to do to get the house ready to go on the market and I think that's probably when we'll tell them.

@Halfagonyhalfhope thanks v much. It actually feels like he's been consumed by a cult. The thing is it's been a steady journey into ever weirder ideas I feel I've been living under a miserable cloud for so long - I've lost count of how many high profile figures are devil worshippers or cannibals or paedophiles or all three. I just can't bear the darkness and misery any more. He tried to suggest that these were just 'interests' and couldn't understand why they got in the way of a happy marriage. I just couldn't get him to see they were so much more than 'interests'. Obvs I'm so not surprised your friend's marriage has bitten the dust...