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Original poster

Is this Red Flag?

44 replies

NotThatStrange · 28/08/2020 07:40

I met someone on OLD and we have arranged to meet up today. I am having doubts about him already. A few years back, I was love bombed and then he turned into an abuser. He was tight with money, likes to shout even in public places, I ended it. It was only a short relationship.

Here is what happened, yesterday, I went to the shops and then had to go to the dry cleaner and this new man was sending me a message via WhatsApp, the Voice Assistant came on and shortly after that the battery on phone died. When I got back home I sent him a message from my second mobile that I am locked out of my phone and not able to get back and he should not send messages to that phone.

During our chat on the other phone, which he did not want to - he wanted to send messages on my other phone but I kept telling him that I am I was locked out. I mentioned that I do not know why this (being locked out) was happening on the eve of our meeting. I am not superstitious at all. He got upset and further accused me of "strange behaviour"

I have had the same phone for four years and it has never happened. He then started accusing me of getting upset over a small thing, namely phone and that I was acting strange. I use the phone for my business and being locked out and not having access to business contacts is fundamentally detrimental to my business.

I decided to have an early night, so I sent him a message that I was going to bed and turned the second phone off. I woke up this morning and found that he had sent a few messages with further accusations and that he tried to call me.
On a positive note, I had to watch a few YouTube videos to find out how to unlock the phone. The last time I was on Samsung website was four years ago when I registered the phone and was not even aware that I get unlock my phone from there. The other issues were that you had to confirm the account by Samsung sending a code to the phone, but I am locked out.

Is this a red flag? The guy work in IT, surely, he could have told me how to unlock the phone. I believe that things happened for a reason. I have a feeling that he is capable of being controlling in the future should this progress into a relationship.

I appreciate your insight. Thank you

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 28/08/2020 07:43

Yes, go with your gut and swerve this one.

dollypops15 · 28/08/2020 07:43

In his defence it does sound like iffy behaviour on your part. I'd give him a chance

user1493413286 · 28/08/2020 07:45

Those would be red flags for me; at the moment it’s supposed to be easy going and he’s already being quite intense over what should be a non issue in terms of just messaging a different phone.

LittleCabbage · 28/08/2020 07:46

I wouldn't necessarily expect him to have known how to unlock your phone, but accusing you of strange behaviour after you had explained the situation, is a red flag IMO.

Also, him bombarding you with messages and trying to call after you already said you were going to bed, is worrying.

I do not believe the phone issue "happened for a reason" - just coincidence, but I do think it is lucky it happened and caused him to show his true colours early on.

If it were me, I would cancel meeting up and block him

Dollyrocket · 28/08/2020 07:47

To be fair, if someone I was trying to arrange a date with started saying they were locked out their ‘other’ phone and not to contact them there etc, I would probably think that sounded quite suspicious / strange.. I’d be wondering if they were married etc..

Either way, if you feel uncomfortable then don’t waste more time on this man. It doesn’t sound like a goer.

LuluBellaBlue · 28/08/2020 07:49

Yes, him even thinking to question you is totally out of order! Huge red flag, he’s showing u who he is!

MsWonderful · 28/08/2020 08:21

If it was the other way round and you posted on here about it, I think at least a few people would be saying ‘he’s married and he was with his wife’ to explain the phone swapping. So maybe that’s what he thought?

booboo24 · 28/08/2020 08:22

I would probably think the same as him I'm afraid, it may sound a bit strange sbc if a man did that yo ne I'd wonder what he was hiding and if he was married, so i'd be inclined to give him a chance, but take it really slowly and keep my eyes open

Dontletitbeyou · 28/08/2020 08:32

I would be suspicious if someone was telling me they got locked out of one phone and could I text them on another , then having an early night , esp on the eve of a meet up .I can’t blame him for that .
That said if it was me , I’d have shrugged , assumed the other person was messing me about and moved on . I wouldn’t have sent any messages accusing anyone of anything . You haven’t even met him yet have you ?
Who’s got the time for that shit ?

k1233 · 28/08/2020 08:38

I'm sort of with him - how does your battery going flat lock you out of your phone? Never heard of that before and if someone messaged me what you sent, I'd be suspicious too. Not enough to make a fuss but enough to xxl.

SBTLove · 28/08/2020 08:43

Bin him, you haven’t even met and he’s ‘accusing’ you of strange behaviour and insisting on sending msgs to a phone you can’t access? He sounds unhinged.

Menopausalgoddess · 28/08/2020 08:54

I suppose your phone issues could have appeared a bit suspect but his reaction was completely over the top. No way I'd meet him.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 28/08/2020 09:03

In his defence I think I'd be suspicious too. I'd probably assume you were married and/ormaybe planning on going AWOL the following day (before the date). I wouldnt send messages though I'd just cancel the date and move along.
Tbh i wouldnt expect him to know about unlocking your phone just because he works in IT.

JammyHands · 28/08/2020 09:12

If he really thinks you’re trying to cancel your date with him, why doesn’t he just shut up and go away? That would be the normal thing to do, surely. Red flag.

IlanaWexler · 28/08/2020 09:27

Tbh your behaviour does sound odd (eg. expecting him to understand why you were upset about your phone and expecting him to know how to fix it just because he works in IT) and rude (eg. cancelling last minute), but equally so does his (eg. most people wanting to make a good first impression would give their date the benefit of the doubt instead of pointing out their odd behaviour).

Newjeansrippedjeans · 28/08/2020 09:32

Yes! He's being very intense over something that shouldn't be a big deal! Especially so early on.

AlternativePerspective · 28/08/2020 09:44

Having a second phone is a red flag.

Telling someone not to message you on a particular phone is a red flag.

It implies that you have something to hide. If a man did that to me I would assume he was married.

The only thing he did wrong was sending you the messages, but the red flags are all from you

AnnaFour · 28/08/2020 09:45

Tbh I’d be confused as well about why a flat battery = locked out of phone. If I was suddenly told to stop contacting someone in that phone and use a second number I’d also think it was a bit weird.

ChristmasFluff · 28/08/2020 09:47

Way too intense for someone you haven't met.

Even if you were acting iffy, a healthy person would shrug and walk away, not get into this sort of drama.

No second chances from me. If he'll act like this with a stranger, how will he act in a relationship?

GinWithRosie · 28/08/2020 09:47

Honestly? I think your behaviour would sound dodgy to me, if I was on the receiving end 🤷‍♀️ Someone saying they'd been 'locked out' of their phone, asking me to use a different number, saying not to ring/message anymore as they were having an early night...straight after the dodgy locked phone business? Definitely would be red flag territory for me I'm afraid OP and I'd be blocking you!! He obviously doesn't have the same 'red flag radar' though and wants to give you the benefit of the doubt...so I think you're probably well suited 🤦‍♀️

AlternativePerspective · 28/08/2020 09:49

“I’ve recently been dating someone I met on OLD. Yesterday he said he was out and messaged me and suddenly he disappeared offline. A while later he messaged me from another number and asked me not to message him from the usual number as it was apparently locked. Now I’m confused because this seems really strange behaviour. AIBU to think this is a red flag?”

You would unanimously be told that yes, it was a red flag and to block and move on.

Perhaps he shouldn’t have sent the messages. But then perhaps he wanted to send them so that your husband would see them, with him assuming you had one...

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/08/2020 09:53

What Alternative said! You both sound a bit odd tbh. Maybe swerve this one, stick to one phone for dates, and start again...

Original poster
NotThatStrange · 28/08/2020 09:55

Thank you so much for all your advice, insight and feedback. When I was on the other phone with him he was able to hear the "Voice Assistant" I was not expecting him to have answers to unblock my phone. I was not upset, I just told him that I was not able to use the main phone. He had the second number already. I use the main phone for most things like online banking.

I decided to go to bed early as he was ignoring my messages on the other phone. I just need to rest before figuring out how to unlock it or to phone Samsung in the morning.

For those of you who have never experience it, here is a video might be helpful you in the future.

Voice Assistant

How to unlock your phone

To be honest, I had a suspicion that he was married. His phone is usually off between a certain time till after 9 or 10 am. I emailed him instead of sending message on WhatsApp. He has not responded to the email, most likely he is still asleep.

Thank you once again.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 28/08/2020 09:59

He is far too intense. Run a mile.

I wouldn't think twice about someone asking me to text their other phone for a bit. If it was a secret phone then they wouldnt have given me the first number in the first place! The fact that he is so suspicious would probably indicate to me that he himself, is not trustworthy.

He doesnt respect your boundaries. If he really thought you were being dodgy then why doesnt he just sod off. Instead he harasses you. Big red flag.

Really you don't owe this guy shit and he is acting like you do, that's a warning in itself.

Opentooffers · 28/08/2020 10:52

Lol, you made an unfortunate phone malfunction seem dodgy as hell to him, then really gave a crazy impression by getting all superstitious about it like it's a 'sign' or something, even though you claim not to be superstitious, you clearly were about it by connection to the eve of your date. He probably thinks you are a bit odd . But, what shines out also is the sheer amount of texting and discussion and contact in general at this early stage when you haven't even met yet.
So both sides appear to be flag waving here from an outside perspective. Why were you chatting so much about it?
A quick message saying you're other phone has malfunctioned and locked, and maybe you could of asked him for advice given his IT skills. It does sound like you flipped out early on rather than remaining calm and sorting it out - which you did do, so no harm done. Do you tend to flip out before trying to fix things? I tend to get upset at the point I've tried all I can think of and still it's not working, which I think is fair.
Overall, I think this all shows that you still have your past experience in the back of your mind and you've projected it to some degree onto him. However, waking up to a few messages and accusations, shows that he is also insecure and bringing his past negative experiences into this.
Today, is another day, either you can laugh and call a truse about it, or you are not right for each other.