Is this Red Flag?

[NotThatStrange]

I met someone on OLD and we have arranged to meet up today. I am having doubts about him already. A few years back, I was love bombed and then he turned into an abuser. He was tight with money, likes to shout even in public places, I ended it. It was only a short relationship.

Here is what happened, yesterday, I went to the shops and then had to go to the dry cleaner and this new man was sending me a message via WhatsApp, the Voice Assistant came on and shortly after that the battery on phone died. When I got back home I sent him a message from my second mobile that I am locked out of my phone and not able to get back and he should not send messages to that phone.

During our chat on the other phone, which he did not want to - he wanted to send messages on my other phone but I kept telling him that I am I was locked out. I mentioned that I do not know why this (being locked out) was happening on the eve of our meeting. I am not superstitious at all. He got upset and further accused me of "strange behaviour"

I have had the same phone for four years and it has never happened. He then started accusing me of getting upset over a small thing, namely phone and that I was acting strange. I use the phone for my business and being locked out and not having access to business contacts is fundamentally detrimental to my business.

I decided to have an early night, so I sent him a message that I was going to bed and turned the second phone off. I woke up this morning and found that he had sent a few messages with further accusations and that he tried to call me.
On a positive note, I had to watch a few YouTube videos to find out how to unlock the phone. The last time I was on Samsung website was four years ago when I registered the phone and was not even aware that I get unlock my phone from there. The other issues were that you had to confirm the account by Samsung sending a code to the phone, but I am locked out.

Is this a red flag? The guy work in IT, surely, he could have told me how to unlock the phone. I believe that things happened for a reason. I have a feeling that he is capable of being controlling in the future should this progress into a relationship.

I appreciate your insight. Thank you

His reaction was extreme so on that basis I wouldn't go on the date.

However, I would be suspicious if someone I was meant to be meeting messages me from another phone saying they were locked out of their usual one...it's slightly odd

@Opentooffers, @formerbabe, I gave him the second number already he had it. When I arrived home he was still sending messages to the other phone, so I sent him a message from the 2nd phone to let him know that it was locked.

We are both in our late 40s, I don't really want to get involved with anyone who has trust issues. Things happen for a reason, it's the same as having a gut feeling and setting it aside. It would have been a different situation if I had not sent a message from the second phone. He was already wondering why I was not responding.

What happened yesterday has really made me reassess the whole situation. I am in a good place and do not want to go back to where I was.
I was not upset. This was the first time that it has happened to me. I have had Samsung before this phone and it has never happened. I emailed him this morning.

Personally I'd just leave it...don't bother seeing him

What did you email him op? To cancel?

So he now has two of your numbers...and your email address...eee. Delete and block op, delete and block.

Good on ya for trusting your gut. Cause he sounds like another nutter.

So much communication so ridiculously early on! Chill. You both sound like anxious people and that energy tends to multiply when both people have it.

You've given him a lot of communication info about yourself there. You don't know him, one number is enough. Dating gets more complicated as you get older because you do find that people can cling onto emotional baggage to an unhealthy degree - and IME, that goes very much for men, some can harbour grudges for ages.
You've probably dodged a bullet all things considered. If someone demands communication before you've even met and gets suspicious when you don't comply, it's a big fat red flag, and tb frank, an unattractive behaviour.

@NotaCoolMum, his message was condescending and accusative and did not want to react to it. Words like "strange, I am not one with second thoughts, it's a small problem not the end of the world, you think too deep, how a small thing has ruined everything, you turned your phone off, you said I have issues talking, I can't do more than that....." etc. I emailed him instead of reacting to WhatsApp.

I have never said that he had issues communicating. I never made an issue of the phone, I was not upset, having no access was a bit of a nuisance but could have started using the iPhone as the main phone. The message further accused me of going to bed early, not picking his calls or answering his messages.

Not to drip-feed. Yesterday was also four months exactly since my friend died suddenly. He was ignoring my messages and I needed to rest and then sort the phone issues in the morning. I decided to go to bed.

I have reread my messages back and it was not as bad as he made it to be. I see this as a big problems in the future. I don't want that shit in my 50s.

Tbh if some guy is causing arguments, being aggressive and is condescending, there's no way in hell I'd meet him. I'd think my phone had a psychic moment and was protecting me!

Honestly op he sounds like a loon.
And what did he mean by 'I can do more than that' ? Kinda creepy op.

I think you'd be wise to block and stay clear.
In future with stuff stuff like that, dont email back.

Couldn't harm to read up on red flags to look out for in dating (how to spot narcissists) ect too as a refresher.

The guy work in IT, surely, he could have told me how to unlock the phone lol

He probably thinks you're dodgy! You could always meet him just to see if you click, also check for a groove on his ring finger.

[quote NotThatStrange]@NotaCoolMum, his message was condescending and accusative and did not want to react to it. Words like "strange, I am not one with second thoughts, it's a small problem not the end of the world, you think too deep, how a small thing has ruined everything, you turned your phone off, you said I have issues talking, I can't do more than that....." etc. I emailed him instead of reacting to WhatsApp.

I have never said that he had issues communicating. I never made an issue of the phone, I was not upset, having no access was a bit of a nuisance but could have started using the iPhone as the main phone. The message further accused me of going to bed early, not picking his calls or answering his messages.

Not to drip-feed. Yesterday was also four months exactly since my friend died suddenly. He was ignoring my messages and I needed to rest and then sort the phone issues in the morning. I decided to go to bed.

I have reread my messages back and it was not as bad as he made it to be. I see this as a big problems in the future. I don't want that shit in my 50s.[/quote]
@NotThatStrange good for you!! I’d have done the exact same thing. So much better people out there!! Sorry for the loss of your friend 💐💐

@FippertyGibbett

Yes, go with your gut and swerve this one.

Agreed, avoid him like the plague.

Honestly your change of phones doesn't sound unusual to me, DH once got locked out of his phone and in order to reset it remotely needed to go online and when he logged in had to authenticate his ID with a text message sent to... his phone.

Lots of people have work phones, asking him to text that one temporarily should not be a big issue I'd have thought.

The way he reacted sending streams of messages and missed calls when he knew you would be in bed? Weird and controlling. Like he had to try to catch you out and was annoyed you made your own decisions about stopping communicating and it was difficult for him to do anything about it.

He is stroppy and I don't put up with that from men- I recommend ending it.

He accused you of being overly intense about the phone, but he was being arsey and accusatory about the phone which won't have helped.

@PhilipJennings, @SoulofanAggron, I have blocked him now. I read the messages from yesterday again and he asked me on the 2nd phone if I was "upset" about the phone being blocked. I told him that I was not, he also asked me if I had "changed" mind on the 2nd phone. Again, I told him that "I had not" changed my mind and wanted to meet.

I woke up to strings of messages accusing me of having second thoughts and many other things. I need peace, I have been there and wore the t-shirt.

It's good that I found this out sooner rather than later. I think these kind of behaviour would escalate to manipulation, gaslighting and me questioning my sanity later on.

Thank you so much. I know what I want and definitely not go into my 50s walking on eggshells. Thanks God, I cancelled and blocked. I would have ended up spending money on unnecessary date going no where. I am not lonely, I have lots of work to keep me busy.

Not to drip-feed. Yesterday was also four months exactly since my friend died suddenly.

I am glad you have blocked him. The whole thing sounds absolutely ridiculous and not what you need
The above stood out to me - perhaps now is not the time to be embarking on a new relationship - give yourself some time to grieve.
Getting yourself in a bit of a tizz about the phone and it being a sign or something is showing that your friend's death could be affecting you. I lost a parent last year and I recognize some of what you are aying from how I was in the first 6 months.

@fuandylp, thank you

Well done, this is something I love about Mumsnet - it’s helped me very quickly see and identify behaviour such as this, basically anything that’s a red flag and saved me unnecessary heartache and wasted time and emotions.