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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your DH stick to his own schedule when at home or does he consult and blend in with yours?

40 replies

Gustsoffthecoast · 27/08/2020 04:17

This is not a ltb scenario! I am v happy apart from this one, admittedly fairly difficult, issue.

DH is very kind, very hard-working, supportive, intelligent, great sense of humour etc, but at home he always works to his own timetable ifyswim and won't fit in with mine. So, if he cooks, he will just cook when it suits him and expects DC and me to join him for dinner there and then no matter what we are doing (fair enough if he has gone to that trouble I suppose) but DC could be in the middle of something quite important like piano practice , and it wouldn't matter. He won't adjust his cooking time to half an hour later when they've finished. Similarly he will cook if he is hungry and no one else is.

Another example: we could be all watching a family film or playing a board game, or having a family discussion, and he will just get up in the middle of it and walk out to send a work e-mail.

Or; I"ll be talking to him about something important and nip in to an adjacent room briefly to fetch something relevant to the discussion expecting him to be still there when I get back (he knows this as I haven't paused the conversation ) , and he will have suddenly disappeared off somewhere. It's infuriating!

Or I will have asked him to come upstairs to discuss and book some flights on the computer (pre Covid) and I'll be waiting and waiting and find he has gone out to walk the dogs without saying anything! It will have taken lots of effort to pin him down to agree to come and look at the computer in the first place too.

He is extremely busy and short of time, and gets lots done in the day, but this is all starting to get me down because it's like my schedule at home doesn't matter somehow. He won't wait or fit in with me , but I always have to wait and fit in with him. He will be home for dinner on time (just!) when I cook (usually 4/5 out of 7 nights) though I suppose, but food is about the only thing for which he will bend his schedule.

He is however the bigger earner X 10 and always has been so maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to somehow not manoeuvre family proceedings so much to suit his own schedule as he works so many hours.

Sorry for the long post. I just wondered if anyone elses DH was like this?

OP posts:
bakedoff · 27/08/2020 04:24

No my DH isn’t like this and I couldn’t personally live like this. You’re supposed to be a family! He’s living like a single man

DancingCatGif · 27/08/2020 04:27

Interrupting piano practice, kind of whatever imo unless your child is aiming for concert pianist level

But the other stuff sounds like he is either massively arrogant or has some kind of brain issue.

Sally2791 · 27/08/2020 04:45

He sounds rude and arrogant re this issue, and I’m not sure how it fits with being kind and supportive. Have you tried writing your thoughts down for him, or even counselling?

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2020 04:49

Umm no my dh isn’t like this!! If he’s doing dinnertime and doesn’t start it on time I take myself out of the way so he can do the cooking while wrangling tired children and particularly difficult bath and bed afterwards, reap what you sow. I couldn’t live with yours, it is treating you like you don’t matter. Does he think he’s a shitty parent, or have you always let him believe otherwise? I mean what must the children be learning if he just walks off from games? Don’t let him play any more games with you as just one action to start with Shock

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2020 04:49

Yes to WHO ARE YOU KIDDING with the ‘he’s kind and supportive’.

Clymene · 27/08/2020 05:25

He sounds like a douche. I bet he's really senior at work isn't he? Used to being able to control everything to suit him and has forgotten you're his family, not his underpaid minions

simplesimonsays · 27/08/2020 06:03

He sounds very self-absorbed and, as pp have said, I'm not sure how this fits in with kind and supportive. My suspicion is that he appears kind and supportive when it benefits him. You sound ground down by his behaviour and I worry about your self-esteem as it sounds like your needs are completely over-ridden by his.

Inching · 27/08/2020 06:17

I don’t see this as a ‘your schedule’ thing — I thought your post was going to be about him refusing to adapt his work schedule to yours. It sounds to me as if you over-cater to your children’s schedule and preferences — I mean, if I’ve been working all day I’ll cook dinner because I’m hungry, I’m not going to bustle about asking spouse and children if they’re hungry or when suits them to eat — and expect him to do similar. Same with an important work email — I don’t have a 9 to 5 type job and if something important needs to be sent, it needs to be sent.

BigPlanes · 27/08/2020 06:19

No we talk about your day, especially when wee were all at home and try to schedule meal breaks to suit everyone, doesn’t always work.

Original poster
Gustsoffthecoast · 27/08/2020 08:26

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It's interesting to read the different viewpoints. Inching that would be my dh's perspective. He doesn't have a nine to five job either.

Sally2791 I've tried talking to him but he genuinely doesn't see what is wrong.

It's difficult to explain about being kind and supportive. Despite all the focus on work and the annoying behaviour he would be first up if a baby was puking or had an explosive nappy in the night. I could literally wake him up at 3am and say "drive me to John O'Groats" or "go and buy me a camel" or "I have a burning vocation to turn our home in to a cultural centre for Eskimos" and he would do his best to do it. . He drove me across Europe for a day and a half to visit a desperately ill relative 3 or so years ago, with about half an hour's notice. So he will change his schedule for something serious. It's just the mundane day to day stuff he won't cooperate over somehow.

I should say that I have changed a few details here for privacy's sake.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gustsoffthecoast · 27/08/2020 08:37

Clymene yes he's the boss at work.

The DC think he's a great dad despite the walking off because he's funny and kind. Drives them to extra curricular stuff. Drives them and their friends for days out.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 27/08/2020 08:43

What does being the big earner x10 got anything to do with it?
Does he walk off when his employees are talking?

Aerial2020 · 27/08/2020 08:45

He see his time as more important.
Try doing it to him, see eif he likes it.

honeylulu · 27/08/2020 09:01

Yes, have you tried doing it to him? My husband can be a bit like this - he's not as "alpha" but he'll decide in his head what needs doing and just do it. It doesn't bother me that much though when he cooks lunch/dinner it's much later than is ideal for children because he wasn't hungry earlier (then they don't eat much because they're tired or have had a big snack to keep then going aarrrgghh, so annoying).

He does have a habit of pottering in and out of the house without saying anything/checking, just assumes I'm the default child carer (we both work full time and I'm the breadwinner if that's relevant). I've started doing that to him too which is a bit childish but it seems to be making the point.

Clymene · 27/08/2020 09:23

@Gustsoffthecoast

Clymene yes he's the boss at work.

The DC think he's a great dad despite the walking off because he's funny and kind. Drives them to extra curricular stuff. Drives them and their friends for days out.

I knew he would be. I've worked with men like him - we call them big swinging dicks. Their egos are so big that they don't consider anyone else's needs or opinions important. You have my sympathy - men like him are bad enough to work with, I can't imagine how dreadful they are to live with
biggirlknickers · 27/08/2020 09:23

My DP is a little bit like this - like yours, he will cook (for all of us) when it suits him, and always prioritises (his) work and personal schedules over family schedules. Also like yours, he is very kind and supportive and would drop everything at 3am to help any one of us. He is good at organising family things such as holidays, days out, film night etc. and once it’s organised he is 100% present - he doesn’t walk off in the middle of something we are doing together, it’s more that when nothing specifically organised is happening, he just gets on with his own thing without wondering, asking, thinking, checking what we are all doing. Often in the house he feels quite separate to the rest of us.

The thing is with mine is that he was in his mid 50s when we met, he isn’t my DC’s dad (doesn’t have any DC himself) and is used to living a single life. He also has ASD traits which make it difficult for him to be flexible or be aware of other people’s point of view. Despite this, he is genuinely lovely, well meaning and really cares for us. He isn’t perfect (who is?) but he is a great partner.

I think your DH actually sounds from your description like a good person if a bit unaware of others’ needs at times - I think some previous posters have given a bit of an unfair bashing, and I say that as someone who is often in the LTB camp.

Aerial2020 · 27/08/2020 09:32

Not bashing, just asking if he behave skine that with work colleagues too.
Because usually on these threads, the guy behaves like this because he see himself, or his time in this case, more important than his partner.

Aerial2020 · 27/08/2020 09:37

He cooks when he's hungry and won't wait half an hour for his children?
Why?
You'll be booking flights and he walks off to walk the dogs.
In the middle of a family board game, he'll disappear.
Why is he more important than you.
Yes he works hard but what do you do, sit on your arse all day? I doubt it.

Themadcatparade · 27/08/2020 09:37

Wtf have I just read?

OP your DP is selfish and downright rude. Who leaves in the middle of a conversation? Sounds like he Has a self inflated ego and seems himself as more important than the family unit. Big earner or being busy at work shouldn’t be an excuse for doing that to you and his child. That’s just my two cents.

Kaiserin · 27/08/2020 09:42

It's ridiculous. Not some much a schedule thing as a "terrible communication" thing, if you ask me.

If DH (or any of the kids... or a coworker!) pulled that on me, I'd be quick to remind him that we're a team, and teams can only work together if they communicate (... team coordination is one of my "hobbies" at work, even though it's not my main role)

Next time this happens, try to pull him aside straight away (or as soon as practically possible), and explain in clear terms the practical impact his particular behaviour at that time (don't generalise to "the pattern", focus on the incident) has on you and/or the kids.
Also ask (in a neutral voice, avoid emotive language) if he understood his behaviour had such impact, and whether he values and respect your time or not.
Hopefully he'll apologise then and promise to be more mindful. If he doesn't, let it pass (for now)

Repeat as many times as necessary. If there's no improvement, after about 5 incidents, escalate to "we need to talk". Schedule that for a suitable time. Give him the time and place. You're in control.
Bring notes, mention the 5 or so incidents (make sure you picked good ones) and their impact. Ask again The Question (did you realise, and do you care?), and perhaps escalate a bit to slightly more emotive language ("is it hard?" to do what I kindly request, "is it fair?" to not do it, etc. I find questions work better than affirmations)
If you're not seeing/hearing any improvement at that stage, you have a DH problem.

Note: make sure to practice what you preach. Model good behaviour: ask him, before making a scheduling decision that would impact him, if that would work for him. Or if the decision is non-negotiable, at least inform him, so he can adjust his plans accordingly. Make notes of these events too, so you can mention them again at "we need to talk" meeting ("When I went shopping the other day, and you had to look after the kids, I let you know when I was going, and when I expected to be back. Is that hard? Would you prefer me to just leave you hanging? If I did that, would it be fair?")

Saltyauntiepoop · 27/08/2020 09:43

Mine always asks me what i want to do and when. He calls me to check if he can work overtime or needed at home.

Aerial2020 · 27/08/2020 09:47

@Kaiserin
That is treating him like a child. He doesn't need to be told how to speak to people outside the home I'm guessing.
He knows what he's doing.

LlamaofDrama · 27/08/2020 11:35

It sounds to me like a lack of respect... he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it because that's what is important.

I get a bit of this from DH in that he'll get into the shower late (he starts work earlier than I do so he gets first go) and then I'm late and so I'm late starting work. And he'll look all surprised and say "are you having a shower this morning?" Despite the fact I have one every single morning. But generally he's more considerate than that!

Nanny0gg · 27/08/2020 11:43

@Aerial2020

He see his time as more important. Try doing it to him, see eif he likes it.
^^This

And when you're a family mealtimes generally do centre round the children.

What would happen if he called you to eat and you were all too busy/not hungry?

username501 · 27/08/2020 11:43

I'd start treating him in the same way. Wait until he's halfway through a sentence, walk out of the room and take the dog for a walk. Just don't show him any consideration at all or take his needs into account but, if he needs you to drive him half way across the country at some point, do that.

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