Does your DH stick to his own schedule when at home or does he consult and blend in with yours?

[Gustsoffthecoast]

This is not a ltb scenario! I am v happy apart from this one, admittedly fairly difficult, issue.

DH is very kind, very hard-working, supportive, intelligent, great sense of humour etc, but at home he always works to his own timetable ifyswim and won't fit in with mine. So, if he cooks, he will just cook when it suits him and expects DC and me to join him for dinner there and then no matter what we are doing (fair enough if he has gone to that trouble I suppose) but DC could be in the middle of something quite important like piano practice , and it wouldn't matter. He won't adjust his cooking time to half an hour later when they've finished. Similarly he will cook if he is hungry and no one else is.

Another example: we could be all watching a family film or playing a board game, or having a family discussion, and he will just get up in the middle of it and walk out to send a work e-mail.

Or; I"ll be talking to him about something important and nip in to an adjacent room briefly to fetch something relevant to the discussion expecting him to be still there when I get back (he knows this as I haven't paused the conversation ) , and he will have suddenly disappeared off somewhere. It's infuriating!

Or I will have asked him to come upstairs to discuss and book some flights on the computer (pre Covid) and I'll be waiting and waiting and find he has gone out to walk the dogs without saying anything! It will have taken lots of effort to pin him down to agree to come and look at the computer in the first place too.

He is extremely busy and short of time, and gets lots done in the day, but this is all starting to get me down because it's like my schedule at home doesn't matter somehow. He won't wait or fit in with me , but I always have to wait and fit in with him. He will be home for dinner on time (just!) when I cook (usually 4/5 out of 7 nights) though I suppose, but food is about the only thing for which he will bend his schedule.

He is however the bigger earner X 10 and always has been so maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to somehow not manoeuvre family proceedings so much to suit his own schedule as he works so many hours.

Sorry for the long post. I just wondered if anyone elses DH was like this?

He prob is a fantastic dad in other ways but your children are learning that their dads needs come first.
And it seems you have been conditioned to that too.
Change it up a bit, start thinking what you would like to do.
Don't have to to go LTB but if you're not happy, start changing the status quo.

Thanks for the replies. It's very hard to describe the situation accurately. I veer myself between thinking he is quite egotistical on the one hand, and very selfless on the other.

I think Kaiserin may have hit the nail on the head when she says its terrible communication (and lack of consideration/thought of how his actions may impact on others) and I am going to take the advice of the posters on here who are suggesting I start being more pro-active and leaving without giving advance notice and following my own agenda a bit more.

I've tried talking to him about it and he gives the appearance of understanding and then absolutely nothing changes and I honestly don't know whether that is him being deliberately passive aggressive or him genuinely thinking that what he does, in the way he does it, is the "right" thing for our family. Thinking about it, I think its the latter. And he's not very responsive to talk actually; its actions that make the most impact on him.

The trouble is that without sounding too "surrendered wife" his time is more important than mine, in financial terms anyway so I've become the default person who is always there to work around his schedule, and I think I have become a bit complacent and comfortable in that role too if I'm honest. He doesn't make a big deal of status and I don't think he has a big ego/swinging dick type thing going on. He's too intelligent for that. He's just quietly self confident in his own skin.

Username I know it sounds immature but I am going to take childish delight in quietly walking out half way through a conversation at some point today under the guise of dog-walking or shopping

And once I have got that out of my system, I shall work towards developing a bit more of a mature equal relationship with him. With older dc, it's easier now for me to be less "available" and I fully intend to be. I am going to change things up a bit and see what happens.

Thanks all.

He won't wait or fit in with me , but I always have to wait and fit in with him.

Stop waiting and fitting in.

If he complains, look blank and say 'But I didn't think you'd be bothered. You would never wait for us/fit that in with us. Sorry, can you explain why you're upset-?'

Do that a few times.

Yes, try valuing your own time (and the children's) as much as his - he might make far more money than you, but he isn't more important than you. You are life-partners, not subordinate and boss.

Would he be happy with your children walking off in the middle of a conversation with him? He needs to lead by example there. It's horribly disrespectful for him to do that.

If he's high up in his job then he may well walk out on subordinates, but you can bet your life he wouldn't do that to a client. Or not a client he wanted to continue working with. Why should you and your children be treated in a way that he wouldn't tolerate with a client?

He doesn't "see" you, does he? He is treating you like a household appliance.

The trouble is, this is self-perpetuating and indeed self reinforcing. The less he thinks about everyone else, the more you have to bend yourself round him, so the less he notices as you are 'smoothing over the gaps' - and so it goes on.

... because you have been willing to accommodate it for so long...

Classic ADD characteristics.
Get your DH tested. He has an attention span disorder. If he thinks of something he has to do it right away or he will forget. Perfect to fix emergencies. Really bad at seeing long term tasks through, interruptions derail anything he’s doing.

Here is a quick online quiz you can answer as if you were him (and later see if he wants to take it,)
www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/adult-adhd-add/test-for-adhd

OP my husband has been the same on occasion. It's usually during periods of extreme stress or being genuinely overloaded. I can even see when things are starting to be very bad, as he seems to struggle to "follow" the thread of conversations and nothing really "lands".

The only solution that i've found effective is to play the same behaviour back bluntly, and call him on it then and there (if he's still around).

For example:
"Do you want to go to X or Y tomorrow with the kids?"
"yes."
"i'd prefer X but the weather's looking a bit miserable so Y might be better, what do you think?"
"yeah"
(me realising he's not listening, stop what i'm doing and literally turn to him, face on directly) "Did you meant to be so rude?"

it seems to snap him out of it.

that, and doing it back.. e.g. if he walks away mid-thought (or in some cases, just doesn't finish a sentence) then i do the exact same thing back to him on a topic he cares about.

it's taken me years to tackle this so bluntly, but it is rudeness (which i cannot forgive, because it stems from him not really prioritising ME as a person, i'm not worthy of 100% of his attention, basically) and stress (which I can). but i have a threshold -he wouldn't do this to an employee, so why is it ok to behave like this around me?

(that and alleviating stress for him, e.g. i do wifework where i think it will genuinely help and he appreciates. but i'm not prepared to be a skivvy and take on all the mental load for him, i do not e.g. send birthday cards for him, that's on him)

We work around each other; my DH can be a bit thoughtless (aka selfish) but we’ll work out when to eat or do our own tasks/activities around each other. We have young children so that’s fairly crucial as they need constant supervision

Does he realise how lucky he is to be with you?
Maybe he should stop taking for granted you will always accept this behaviour.
Makes some changes. See how he reacts.

"I am v happy apart from this one, admittedly fairly difficult, issue"

So you are 'very happy' living with a man who basically lives the single life and doesnt pretend in any sort of way that you are a family. And you just wait for him and live your life trying to fit in with his'

Sounds great. Yup you only have '1 issue' which is basically your entire relationship

This would be a no brainer for me. I wouldnt wanna play house with a man. I would wanna have an actual husband that cares for me. Takes me in consideration. Compromises and doesnt think he is the most important thing in the world and everyone else can wait...

But yeah. Just '1 issue' to fix op