How do you manage with different housekeeping standards?

[Kassandra1]

Dull alert!

So, my DP and I have been together for 3.5yrs, moved in together about a year ago and we're encountering some issues around housekeeping and it'd be really helpful to get some external views.

I am quite clean and tidy, I find that I can relax better once I know all my jobs are done. I work on a to-do list and while I'm not obsessive about it, i have a cleaning "routine" so to speak e.g. beds get changed once a week, mop once a week etc.

My DP has different standards. He would quite happily change mop once every three months for example.

Upon moving in together, I knew this would create more mess with there now being two people in the house but I also thought that this wouldn't impact me in terms of time spent cleaning as my DP would also be cleaning.

For the first few months he did nothing unless asked. And when asked, he never complains, always does what I ask. But I dont want to be the house manager, I want him to see the bin overflowing and therefore empty it rather than needing me to tell him.

We've sat down and discussed this and tried a few things including a rota. This week, he's now told me that he thinks I care about the house being clean more than he does and therefore I should take on more cleaning. While this is true (mess really doesn't bother him), I see this as me then cleaning up after myself AND after him which doesn't seem particularly fair. I'm willing to compromise and have already brought some standards down e.g. hoovering every other day rather than every day etc.

We both work full time, no kids yet and we both have outside hobbies and interests that take up a lot of time.

Thoughts? Am I being unreasonable to ask him to do 50% even when I get more out of the house being clean than he does? What do you do if you have different expectations of household standards?

Get a weekly cleaner. Saves loads of arguments.

Have you thought about getting a cleaner?

Very difficult, personally I would find it very off putting to live with someone who vacuumed every other day (why - two adults working full time, no kids - why do you vacuum so frequently? ). Your standards sound very high, nothing wrong with that, but as you have discovered it's not easy to 'compromise' if your DP has different views on what is 'essential'.

We just stopped our cleaner because she was rubbish, we've already had our first cleaning related domestic so this will go well

Thanks all.

On the cleaner front, its definitely something we're looking into but I just feel like it would actually cause more issues. A cleaner isn't going to pick his clothes up from the floor or dry his washing etc.

I am willing to compromise and have already put some stuff in action e.g. cut down on the number of washes etc but taking on 60/70% of the chores seems a little unfair to me but not sure if I'm being selfish with this?

Just to give an idea of the breakdown:

Me:
Change bed
All washing
All drying
All dishes
Hoover
Mop
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning kitchen
Dusting
Shopping

What I'm asking him to take on:
Strip bed (I'd make it)
Cooks (he does this already to be fair - I do dishes)
Hoover twice a week
Take out rubbish
Clean the second bathroom

If there's only two of you why do you need to clean the second bathroom?

I’m another one who recommends getting a cleaner, stopped 99% of arguments in our house. I still do more domestic stuff, although he does all the outside stuff but I no longer feel resentful that all the cleaning is mine to do

We use a bathroom each and I've pretty much left him to it with keeping his clean. It hasn't been cleaned in months...

It looks like a cleaner may be the way to go. How expensive are cleaners in your experience? I'm in the North West if that matters. Do you count this as a joint household expense? I'm assuming you go out when the cleaner is around? Sorry for all the questions!

You have a bathroom each??

I have higher standards than my DH regarding hoovering, dusting etc. It took us a while to get to the point where he increased his hoovering and I reduced mine and we met in the middle. However, he has always done his share of the every day things like dishes, doing the washing, emptying bins etc.

I would start dividing chores to minimize cleaning up after him. Do our own cooking, own dishes, your own washing etc. If you have two bathrooms rather than just a downstairs loo, take one each and only clean your own.

Alternatively, ask him to move back out.

We have exactly the same problem, I came across this article earlier in the year and shared it with my DH which then opened up a whole grown-up conversation around respective responsibilities and sharing the load. Things have improved since!
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/so-happy-together/201709/who-s-cleaning-the-house

Me going on strike from the chores I do and not telling him also helps, and lots of hand holding. He recently said he will take over the weekly shop responsibility (which we do online and collect and I have slots booked in advance). So he tried this week. I collected the shopping today and he has already said he forgot oil, didn't consider lunch or fruit, and forgot coconut milk for a recipe he wants to do. He's presently making his way to a local express shop to rectify it at his own cost (not the shared account)!! 🤣

@Aerial2020 - haha, not as fancy as it sounds I'm afraid! We live in a 2 bed and one has an en suite. He uses that one usually and I use and clean the family bathroom which is the one visitors would use

DH has far higher standards than I do. I am clean but not very tidy and genuinely don’t “see” mess like he does.

Our answer was to divide up chores and I just crack on with my set and we have a cleaner to do the actual cleaning.

No one should need to be asked to empty an overflowing bin.

Yabu to want him to come up to your high standards if he isn't completely skanky though.

Yabu to underestimate how much time and effort goes into cooking. You write that down as hardly anything.

I can see both sides, although honestly I would be unhappy about my partners wanting rotas, it would feel like being back at a shared uni house. I think the person with the higher standards has more responsibility if it goes above and beyond, but don't let that mean the person with less standards can get away with being a slob.

Personally I would want him more involved in the non-negotiable stuff, e.g dishes, they need to be done everyday, where as things like vacuuming can be compromised on.

If he uses one bathroom and you use one let him decide when he wants to clean his own bathroom. I can't believe you hoovered every day and now every other day, why? Two adults shouldn't make enough mess for that to be necessary, I didn't hoover every other day when I had two young children, two big German Shepherds and a cat.

I

Cleaner is the answer. But even with a cleaner peopld have to tidy up their own mess. But a rota imposed by somebody else would drive me mad.

We have dogs so lots of fur hence the hoovering.

Just to clarify, I didn't impose the rota. We had a sit down to discuss how we could address the skewed workload. He said he didn't know what needed doing (that old chestnut!) so we talked about how we could address that. He suggested I write a list that we could both refer to and tick off. To be honest, it didn't work so has now been scrapped.

On the cooking front, I do appreciate that that's a lot of work. Although I do the ordering and shopping so that does take a chunk of time out. In exchange for him cooking, i do all dishes. We tend for ourselves for breakfast and lunches but he does cook 80-90% of our evening meals

*fend

You both pay for the cleaner. Don't worry if his bathroom is gross. His issue. Don't wash or dry his clothes. Stop enabling this man child. It will only get worse.

Cooking is a lot more effort than doing the dishes ... even if you do the shopping and planning.

Look at it another way, what are your DP's good points? Does he add anything to your life?

I can't imagine mentally comparing the hours my DH and I spend on 'maintaining' our home .... actually if I did he would be doing far more than me . If this really bothers you so much then for goodness sake don't have children together, it will only get worse.

I am the same much tidier than partner it doesnt bother me as my first husband used housework as a stick to beat me it was horrible. So now i see the positives to having a partner who doesnt care if i have had a lazy day and do nothing who never stresses about mess. Its very calming.
And get a robo vac unbelievably good.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

He has a lot of good points. Perhaps I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment with us both being at home full time plus all the extra work that comes with that. I'm just very keen to not create a system where one of us ends us resenting the other. Currently I feel like im on that edge when im spending time doing jobs that neither of us want to do and he's still stomping his feet about me taking on more.

Looks like outsourcing some of the jobs may be the way forward. Thanks all

If he only believed in vacuuming once a week as opposed to every other day, that would be different standards.

Not being arsed to vacuum ever unless asked to (probably more than once) is just being a slob who thinks maintaining a fairly basic level of clean and tidy is beneath him.