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Original poster

Tell me what finding the right person feels like? Have I got this all wrong

31 replies

SandyPies · 26/08/2020 18:08

Should it feel like home?

I have met lots of nice people and given things a good go...calls, meet ups, even when I wasn’t sure I still date a few times and see if it goes anywhere. Im never that bothered though. I don’t expect an omg I want to be with you forever moment on a first date. But I have hoped for a feeling that yes this person feels right, it feels homely and sincere and safe and certain that I want to carry on seeing them. I have honestly dated a number of people for weeks and weeks and felt nothing. So I do feel I’ve given things a good go. But is that it and should that be enough, someone who likes spending time with me and me them? Should I be indifferent to whether it actually lasts and just carry on anyway and form a commitment?

Guess my question is: Have I just not found it yet or... Am I looking for something non existent?

OP posts:
Anotheruser02 · 26/08/2020 18:27

I think many do see that as enough, I struggle to believe that those who leave one relationship and get together with the first person they date are really excited by the new person as much as they want to be in a relationship. For me if I'm not excited to know someone and feeling quietly lucky that they want to be with me then they don't bring enough value to my life for me to give up being single, but I do particularly like being single and living alone. Available and willing isn't enough for me I want to crush on someone.

I wonder if that's harder to find when you get older though because you see through the crap easier.

ScrapThatThen · 26/08/2020 18:39

I once read an article in a cheesy magazine about this and it said long term happy couples often report that when they first met they just talked and talked and laughed together. That's what it was like when I met dh 24 years ago. Still lovely. It wasn't like that in any of my previous relationships.

Muser314 · 26/08/2020 18:43

I had that so many times, you meet somebody, feel a spark, chat for hours, it feels so easy, it feels so right.......... and it never gets past 5 dates.

No idea if meeting somebody who was GENUINELY right for you would feel different at the first meeting.

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 18:45

Argh I hate it. I have tried so much to be open minded about things and I really don’t expect a big moment of oh my god can’t live without you......

But I would like to feel like I really want to see them again and that there is a warmth and future I can really sense and want. All the people I have dated feel like strangers even weeks and weeks in of a lot of chat and dates. There’s two I am chatting with now and have met 6 times with one and 4 with the other. I really am indifferent to seeing them more.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 26/08/2020 18:53

In those that have gone beyond a few dates, I've always felt curious to get to know them more. I've never been bored.
With my current bf I thought he seemed lots of fun, but that he was totally different in character to me, and just quite a chaotic type. But over time I've come to realise that actually we are similar in many ways, and he's got an unexpectedly reliable and kind side to him. That's been really interesting to find out. It has taken a while - definitely not straight from the start. But I would say that after maybe three months I started to get him.

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 18:57

I’ve given things 6 months before and just felt like I didn’t really care that much if they were in my life.

I want to meet someone where it just feels right. Doesn’t have to be perfect but they feel right to me?

OP posts:
Rightthen24 · 26/08/2020 19:00

I was in relationship for 9 years, from age 18 - 27, it was all wrong but couldn't see that until I had left.
Once I was single in my 20s I did a fair bit of dating, some dates were OK others not so much, I did go on multiple dates with the same fella a few times but nothing that changed my world.
On a drunken night out with friends I met this gorgeous man who walked me home and we had a coffee, chatted, laughed and he left a couple of hrs later after we swapped numbers. When we saw each other again a few days later we went out for lunch, chatted, laughed......it was like a firework had gone off, we clicked, it was effortless and I knew then he was for me. We are married, have a family and been together for almost a decade. We have an amazing relationship.
When you meet the right person you will know, don't settle but maybe stop looking so hard, 😬

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 19:14

Thanks rightthen I feel worried as I’m mid thirties now sometimes I think god lets just carry on with this one but it’s so much effort as I just am not bothered deep down.

I just want someone it feels right and comfortable with. I can’t imagine it happening.

OP posts:
Menora · 26/08/2020 19:22

Ok so I have dated a lot and what a lot of people do is mistake different feelings for different meanings.

So the feelings where you feel all anxious and slightly mad? This is your instincts warning you.

The ones where you have zero attraction but they are nice? Don’t go down this road

The ones who make you laugh and you feel like you would want to be friends, with a side of attraction - those are the ones

ravenmum · 26/08/2020 19:45

Do you tend to go for a certain type? Are you attracted by any of them at the start?

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 19:51

Never massively attracted at the start. That’s why I carry on dating for a bit to see how it goes.

I just want to feel sure, or as sure as can be. I feel sooo far from sure with everyone I meet

OP posts:
Muser314 · 26/08/2020 19:54

I think it should feel easy. Maybe it doesn't feel all sparkly but the communication styles should be compatible right from the get go I think.

HeddaGarbled · 26/08/2020 19:58

I think there’s something between the two extremes you describe: ‘feels like home’ v not bothered whether you see them again.

How do you feel when you meet new women? Do you have instant connections, or growing friendships, or a bit of both?

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 20:01

Bit of both with friendships. My best friends I liked almost immediately in some way then it went from there.

OP posts:
letsmaketea · 26/08/2020 20:03

I'd say, when I first met DH, I just found him very interesting to talk to, and I wanted to talk to him again. By the 3rd date I found him really exciting! There was no feeling like coming home, that came later on once the relationship was established. The first year or so was just lots of exciting fun Grin

Original poster
SandyPies · 26/08/2020 20:07

I don’t think I’ve found anything all that exciting really! And the last one I dated was exciting but I went off him after a few months. Argh it’s a minefield.

OP posts:
Ghoste · 26/08/2020 20:16

With my husband, I was sure at once that we should be friends, and that we were going to be friends, or that we would have some kind of relationship. That was within 10 minutes of meeting him. I didn't want to date him, so I thought it would be more like a sibling relationship at first. Actually, he was all over the place with his life and really annoying in many ways.

Then, I tried to break up with him a couple of times, but it was too depressing without him, so pointless, so I had to get back together I mean, he still annoys me, years later, but it's a good thing I think us being together.

crimsonlake · 26/08/2020 20:19

I get it.
I have been on multiple dates over the years and whilst the majority have been pleasant enough I have never felt any spark. With some I have even seen them twice to make sure, however I know as soon as they walk towards me I should have stopped at the one date.
I have only felt the 'excitement' once.... there was something interesting , different about him and the spark was there. It did not last and he drove me crazy, in a good way. We still keep in touch to this day several years later.
And no I have not found it since, it is like looking for the holy grail.

LunaTheCat · 26/08/2020 20:33

I married late and we where introduced by a mutual friend - I saw him standing there, by the entrance to a cafe we had decided to meet, and I just knew. We talked for ages and kept on talking. I still feel extremely lucky. I was 36 and had just resigned myself to being alone.

Tiffbiff · 26/08/2020 21:33

I knew my husband was the one after going on holiday together, getting the shits and being able to talk to him about it. Find a man you can talk about poo with and never let him go! 😂

fuandylp · 26/08/2020 22:13

I wonder if what you think and say you want is at odds with what you actually want, subconsciously.
I wonder if your OLD profile is off somehow (if that's how you are meeting these dates). Is your OLD profile genuinely painting a picture of you? What criteria are you using to select the men you date? Maybe that's off somehow too. You might be picking people you think you "should" like, who "should" be good for you, yet these might be the wrong ones.
I had a phase in my 20s of picking people I thought my mother would approve of! Bloody hell - they were boring as fuck.

I wonder if you really do want to meet someone and start a relationship. You don't sound that bothered to be honest. Maybe these men are not bringing enough to the table - your single life is better than anything they can offer.

If you're indifferent about someone after 3 or 4 dates there is little point in pursuing that at all. There won't necessarily be hearts and flowers lighting up the sky on the first date with someone, but I think 3 dates is enough to know if you click.

In my life I've found I've had phases where nobody was interesting or exciting and I wanted to meet someone but at the same time, I sort of didn't want to either. And then I've had phases where I've clicked with loads of people.
Maybe you just need to take a step back for a while, just for a few months or so and enjoy your own life and maybe a bit further down the line you'll meet more interesting people.

PigglyWigglyWoo · 26/08/2020 22:22

How do you feel about others, OP?
I used to get so attached to everyone and be anxious all the time when I was dating as a teen. I was so depressed when it didn’t work out.

With my current boyfriend he never gave me a reason to feel anxious and it just felt ‘right’. He does feel like home but I don’t feel fireworks or want to rip his clothes off. I just feel completely content with him. I have so much fun with him and I feel 100% at ease. I once went on a 2 week school trip and didn’t have a bowel movement for the whole duration as I was so nervous about using a bathroom and someone hearing me - I had never used the bathroom away from home. I waited until I got home for every trip. With my boyfriend I could even go with the door open. That’s how I feel, completely at ease. I’m not madly in love with him. I love him but it just steady, not crazy.

Youzam · 26/08/2020 22:32

It was the opposite for me. Totally out of the ordinary, buzzing in my own skin, tingling all over level of excitement to see him. He feels like home now, but that’s more than a decade, a wedding, kids and a dog later.

Ghoste · 27/08/2020 00:27

Some people just never do fall in love though. Of the group of girls I grew up with, there's only two really, and for us it's not really the bliss ever after, although it's fine. The others either stayed single or made pragmatic arrangements with men to have kids.

The way I see it, falling in love is an evolutionary adaptation that compels you down a path of action that no sensible person would otherwise take. Our culture celebrates it too much, imo. In any case, I don't think there's any particular way you "should" feel.

thelegohooverer · 27/08/2020 00:51

For me meeting dh felt like coming home and kicking my shoes off. I never have to be anyone but myself with him. I have never fancied anyone else since because they’re just not him.

I don’t think I fell in love, at least not the way it’s usually described. I just love the bones of him.

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