Tell me what finding the right person feels like? Have I got this all wrong

[SandyPies]

Should it feel like home?

I have met lots of nice people and given things a good go...calls, meet ups, even when I wasn’t sure I still date a few times and see if it goes anywhere. Im never that bothered though. I don’t expect an omg I want to be with you forever moment on a first date. But I have hoped for a feeling that yes this person feels right, it feels homely and sincere and safe and certain that I want to carry on seeing them. I have honestly dated a number of people for weeks and weeks and felt nothing. So I do feel I’ve given things a good go. But is that it and should that be enough, someone who likes spending time with me and me them? Should I be indifferent to whether it actually lasts and just carry on anyway and form a commitment?

Guess my question is: Have I just not found it yet or... Am I looking for something non existent?

When I met my OH, we talked for hours ends the time just flew. I always wanted to keep any arrangement we'd made.
By the 3rd date, I felt like we'd go through life together. Within a month I knew I loved him and within 2 months I knew I wanted to spend my life with him.
....we were both 17. We've been together 30 years, married for 25. I love him to bits and can't imagine life without him.

I was ill this year and nearly died. He has been absolutely amazing and it has really made me realised how special he is.

He also annoys the shit out of me sometimes, as I do him and we can have a good argument. We have no problem telling each other when they are in the wrong, but we can resolve it too. We've had some tough stuff to deal with - our son was born with a complex condition and my Dad died soon after we married. This year has been testing because my illness was so sudden and he couldn't visit me in hospital because of Covid. He held it all together, looking after the children, and caring for me after I was discharged as well as working. We've worked through everything together and are equal within the relationship, but we are individuals too.

I didn't 'settle - I think tgat is the key!

I didn't 'settle - I think tgat is the key!
You met your oh at 17 and never had to weigh up the pros or cons, is that right? What if you hadn't met anyone you liked that much at the age of 39? What if you never found that "key"? You can't conjure it up out of nowhere.

OP, I was thinking the same as fuandylp, maybe you need to think outside the box? Try someone "not your type"? The same sex?

I did even think about same sex as I am so fed up of not meeting someone! But I’m pretty certain I’m not gay and it’s not that I’m dating the wrong sex.

I just feel deflated. I really don’t expect the world , just to feel happy about meeting them and want to be close physically to them. I never feel this even after a few weeks,..well recently I haven’t, the last time maybe 6 years ago

For me it was very much that feeling of coming home. It was all just easy and good - I didn't worry about texting him too much, I didn't worry about whether he liked me as much as I liked him, I didn't worry about coming on too strong etc - I just knew it was right and would work out. Attraction was sort of secondary, if that makes sense - I fancied him but also it was so much deeper than that to the point where the physical attraction was just a bonus. And we were able to move through the stages pretty fast as we were both so sure.

I don't think anyone should be put on a pedestal and I don't think anyone is '100% right'.

I love my Husband like I've never loved anyone else - He 'gets me' and I can actually relax when I'm with him. This is a massive thing for me as for most of my life, I feel I have to 'act' normal with other people - especially people I don't know and it's exhausting (I don't know if I'm on the spectrum... Female in IT.... doesn't like anyone touching her... gets very upset if plans change.... But no point in getting an assessment as life is fine)

The fact I can be nearly 40 and get him to do crazy stuff with me most weekends is brilliant - He has been on sewer tours with me, cave tours, has done a pottery class, cheese making, sausage making, chocolate patisserie making, bee keeping course.... and we've traveled to some random places - like the Bone Crypt in Kent.

He cares for our cat as much as I do and talks to him in a stupid voice and I know if I'm feeling ill / upset, I can actually get emotional support from him. He's kind to animals and 'gets' why I don't want to eat anything factory farmed so if he goes shopping, he'll go to a farm shop and buy things where you can see the whole food chain.

Essentially - He's the right person as he respects my opinions and beliefs and cares for me. This is shown daily in little things, like leaving a cup and teabag out when he knows I'm late home from work and boiling the kettle just beforehand.....

However - As much as I love him, he's fucked up a few times.... Not physically cheating, but 'White knighting' a friends ex-girlfriend and meeting her for coffee to 'support her' and deliberately deleting the messages. That nearly broke us. When we talked about it and he was very apologetic - I'll always remember he said 'I'm just a man, you shouldn't put me on a pedestal'..... and he was right. I won't again.

Yes, the "getting you" thing is important I feel.
I live abroad and it can be hard to find people on the same wavelength, as my early upbringing is different to the locals. With my exh I thought we felt the same way, but over the years it emerged that actually he was just going along with whatever I said, without real conviction. With my current bf it was the other way around - I slowly realised that he does get me, and I think I get him. We don't argue much, but when we do, we come out feeling like we've got to the bottom of it, even if we still disagree.