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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't go out with friends unless I go out with mine.

32 replies

thelilachen · 26/08/2020 12:51

This drives me nuts.

He never arranges a night out with his mates UNLESS I am going out with mine, he then announces he is also going out.

I've tried broaching why he does this and he just says it makes sense for him to go out when I do.

I would actually like the odd evening to myself at home and have told him this.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/08/2020 13:02

Is he jealous?

Does he not want you to have unsupervised time to yourself?

What would he do if you started going out by yourself but without your friends?

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:04

I think maybe it is jealousy.

I do go out on my own, work alone etc and he is fine and normal about it.

It feels like he doesn't want me to be home alone, which makes no sense. I wonder if it's more he doesn't want to be home alone? Insecurity?

OP posts:
Shepherdspyreads · 26/08/2020 13:06

Tell him you're going out with friends and then oh dear it gets cancelled at the last minute. You shouldn't have to, but that's what I'd do.

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:07

Shepherd - this is exactly what I think I'm going to do in a few weeks time!

OP posts:
user32723 · 26/08/2020 13:09

It's more likely to be that he's the type of person who doesn't like to be alone than jealousy. I know lots of people like that. Maybe you could tell him you are meeting friends, go out and get yourself a meal for one and return home and later tell him your plans fell through. I think it could be hurtful to say clear off, I want to be alone.

Sisterlove · 26/08/2020 13:09

I was going to suggest what Shepherd said...that will put him off balance.

Penguinnn · 26/08/2020 13:12

I don’t think he goes along with her on nights out I think she wants time alone while he goes out and she stays in

Beachbodylonggone · 26/08/2020 13:16

Are you ever home alone?

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:16

Yes, he goes out with his friends somewhere different to me.

I was asked last night by a friend to meet up and go out for a few drinks tonight, I'll probably be out for only 2 hours. I mentioned it to him last night and he went quiet. He text me an hour ago to tell me he's going out for a curry with a friend tonight. Nothing wrong with that except it happens every time. I sometimes ask him if he wants to see his mates one evening but he makes excuses and then once I'm off out (which happens about once a month) he then suddenly has friends who want to go out on the same night.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/08/2020 13:17

Does he ever "accidentally" bump into you when you are both out with friends ?

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:20

@Beachbodylonggone

Are you ever home alone?
I changed career a year ago and yes, I get time alone at home during the day now although he is not far away and pops in and out during the working day. That is partly the nature of his job. I never feel like I know I have X amount of hours to myself.

Before that, it was very, very rare that I would get any time at all at home alone due to him or his kids being there.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:21

@AnyFucker

Does he ever "accidentally" bump into you when you are both out with friends ?
No. We will often be in completely different towns.
OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/08/2020 13:23

Ok. The constant "popping" back home during the day smacks of controlling/insecure though.

Sakurami · 26/08/2020 13:27

It sounds like he would rather be with you above everything else. When you're busy then he catches up with his friends.

That's not really a problem but if you want some time alone (I would too, it would do my head in) tell him that you need time on your own. That you love him etc but most people do need this.

Smallsteps88 · 26/08/2020 13:29

His friends will be aware of the fact they are only being used to occupy him when his partner isn’t home. They will run out of patience for it. Tbh I’m surprised they’re always available to go out with him at short notice when he clicks his fingers.

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:30

@AnyFucker

Ok. The constant "popping" back home during the day smacks of controlling/insecure though.
He comes home for all his meals and the office is at home so he's always "about" as his work is based within a few miles of home.

I wonder if the whole set up does just suit his insecurity though?

Like I say, he never questions where I am (although I'm quite open with what my plans are) and I work in a very male orientated career so am around men a lot.

This thing he does when I go out does feel a bit controlling though, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Whether he is trying to take away the niceness of my night out somehow or if he just doesn't want me to be home alone or if it's something else.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/08/2020 13:32

Do you have children together? It sounds as though you live with him and his children are with him part of the week - do they ever go out together and let you have some time alone?

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:36

@Smallsteps88

His friends will be aware of the fact they are only being used to occupy him when his partner isn’t home. They will run out of patience for it. Tbh I’m surprised they’re always available to go out with him at short notice when he clicks his fingers.
He always manages to find someone to go out with. I doubt he tells them I am out.

When he does go out when I will be home alone (rare), he always seems incredibly guilty. He did once accuse me of "not liking him going out" which is absolute rubbish and I suspect more like projection from him or based on past experience with an ex.

I have also tried to encourage him to get a hobby or learn a new skill in the past. Nothing ever comes from it.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/08/2020 13:41

He did once accuse me of "not liking him going out" which is absolute rubbish and I suspect more like projection from him or based on past experience with an ex.

It is, it's projection to a T. It's the controller's version of the cheater accusing their partner of cheating.

Does he know your friends or is FB friends with them? Do you post on social media? In other words, if you're out with them, can he see what you're doing?

Smallsteps88 · 26/08/2020 13:41

He always manages to find someone to go out with. I doubt he tells them I am out.

It doesn’t matter, people who know you pick up on patterns and he will have dropped things into conversations without realising, letting them know you are out. If they are friends who know him well they’ll pick up on what he’s doing.

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 13:49

Yes, he's FB friends with them but sometimes, I'll literally just spend the evening at a friends house so it would never go on social media.

He's nearly always the instigator with going out with his friends anyway, including his friends and wives nights out, he's the organiser. I think they just expect him to organise nights out and he does.

OP posts:
LetItGoHome · 26/08/2020 14:01

I think everyone is making this all rather more sinister than it actually is!
Perhaps he isn't particularly naturally sociable and when OP arranges a night out it prompts him too. Especially since his friends don't instigate nights out. Yes this annoying but I think you just need to tell him you would want a night to stretch out on the sofa alone. How is he meant to know unless you tell him. I'm not the most social person and only have the odd night out. If my husband wants a bit of space, or I do, one of us just goes and watches telly in the other room. It's no big deal 🤷

YerAWizardHarry · 26/08/2020 14:04

Maybe he doesn't like being home alone?

Original poster
thelilachen · 26/08/2020 14:09

@YerAWizardHarry

Maybe he doesn't like being home alone?
Maybe. I've asked him this directly though.

And I have told him I like time to myself - many times.

I think maybe a few cancelled plans in the future might help decide what is going on with him.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/08/2020 15:26

How odd.

Make sure your plans get cancelled not at the VERY last minute but with enough time for him to organise a last-minute ‘Oh mine have fallen through too!’ ... if he does this, then you need to get to the bottom of some weirdly controlling behaviour.