Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend will not accept breakup

28 replies

sunstay · 25/08/2020 22:36

I made a thread last week about wanting to end my 8 year relationship, I'm 22 and been together since age 14. My boyfriend hasn't done anything wrong he's a lovely person but I've just fallen out of love.

I finally got the courage to end the relationship (hardest thing I've ever doneSad) and he broke down, it was heartbreaking to see I honestly felt awful. Now he keeps telling me he can't live without me and how he'll never be ok again etc, i literally feel like I've ruined his life it's so upsetting to see him so distraught. Where do I go from here? I feel like the worst person in the world.

OP posts:
FAQs · 25/08/2020 22:38

You need to pull the plaster, has he got family support?

Starlightstarbright1 · 25/08/2020 22:39

To be honest give him space. He is hurting.

He will get over you, this is when he needs his mates not you.

Don’t agree to go back if it’s not what you want.

marly11 · 25/08/2020 22:39

It's hard. By reminding yourself, I think, that to stick to your guns is the kindest thing. It is cruel to keep someone coming back, because you waver and weaken - only for you to change your mind back again which you inevitably would, so although it is painful, know that you knew your own mind and heart when you made the decision and that keeping to your truth is important to be kind to him and allow him to move forward with his life.

funnylittlefloozie · 25/08/2020 22:40

You let him be a pitiful drama queen for a while, and then you both just go your separate ways. Its hard to start with, but then it gets easier.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/08/2020 22:44

You stay well away.

He HAS to accept it.

Hard but you just have to give him space.

TwentyViginti · 25/08/2020 22:45

I get his shock and heartbreak, but he's young and he WILL get over it. You can't stay with someone you're unhappy with at the expense of your own happiness.

If you're concerned, tell his family what's happened.

Most of us get dumped or dump others a few times throughout life.

You're now freeing him to find someone else to love and be loved by.

backseatcookers · 25/08/2020 22:45

@funnylittlefloozie

You let him be a pitiful drama queen for a while, and then you both just go your separate ways. Its hard to start with, but then it gets easier.
Jesus, pitiful drama queen is a bit harsh isn't it?! Most people are devastated when a long term relationship ends and they aren't the one who wants it to. He needs to accept it and I think going NC is always kindest as it speeds up the recovery process, but I don't think OP would think of him as a pitiful drama queen which insinuates he's pathetic and attention seeking.
Dery · 25/08/2020 22:46

"Now he keeps telling me he can't live without me and how he'll never be ok again etc, i literally feel like I've ruined his life it's so upsetting to see him so distraught. Where do I go from here? I feel like the worst person in the world."

It is really hard to hurt someone you love but you've done nothing wrong, OP. You are entitled to end a relationship which isn't working for you. Indeed, it's what you should do - both for you and ultimately for him. He's heartbroken now but he will get over it and he will love again - someone who will love him the way he wants to be loved.

As someone posted on another thread recently - if broken hearts didn't heal, the whole world would permanently be grieving.

It could be said that what he is doing is wrong - some might say it's emotional blackmail. But it's probably just the initial shock of you ending the relationship. If you really think there is a danger he will hurt himself, I would suggest letting his parents and/or one or two of his good friends know so that they can offer support. You may even want to call the emergency services. You cannot really offer support yourself because he may take that as a sign that you will resume the relationship and that would be a mistake.

Good luck, OP. Honestly, you have done the right thing and in the end you will both be better off as a result.

lilmishap · 25/08/2020 23:17

Option A ride it out.
Option B give him false hope so he can go through the exact same thing again.

He will cope.

TheFaerieQueene · 25/08/2020 23:20

He will survive as have millions and millions of people before him. It hurts, but it gets better. He isn’t your responsibility. Move on and have a wonderful life. Trust me in 10 years it will be a vague memory for you both.

Giraffey1 · 25/08/2020 23:20

He is, presumably, a similar age to you. He is young, he will get over it. Of course it is tough but you can’t stay in a relationship just because leaving will make him unhappy. Staying will make you unhappy!!!!

Shizzlestix · 25/08/2020 23:22

Block him, harsh but needed.

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/08/2020 23:23

It's tough but it's best to keep distance right now. He is hurting, wants you back and will try and see hope of reconciliation in any acts of kindness on your part. He will be fine and stronger for it in the long run.

ulanbatorismynextstop · 25/08/2020 23:42

Suggest a break for a while. It will give him a chance to get used to the scenario.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 23:45

Stop communicating with him.

All you are doing is giving him false hope. Block him NOW. Trust me, he will get over it. Don't be daft enough to let him back in.

Heffalooomia · 25/08/2020 23:56

You need very strong boundaries, don't let him blackmail you

Heffalooomia · 25/08/2020 23:57

Remind him that a relationship should be mutually beneficial, it is only viable if both partners still want to be in it
You cannot live a lie and he should not want you to

Wondersense · 26/08/2020 11:55

he can't live without me

Yes he can, and it's a bit worrying if he can't. You've changed quite a bit since you were 14. I don't think most people's personalities settle until they're at least in their mid-20s. He might not even realise it now, but even if you stayed together he might himself change his mind about the relationship eventually given time.

I understand it's heartbreaking for you, please don't let the 'can't live with out you' emotionally blackmail you back into the relationship.

Penguinnn · 26/08/2020 11:58

As hard as it is I think you need to block him and if he comes to the door ask your mum or whoever to send him away. You have to be strong. Giving him any false hope is cruel and only time and space will heal him. Don’t be worried that he will hate you, you may have to let him hate yo so he can you can both move on.

category12 · 26/08/2020 12:09

You have to be strong and stick to your guns.

He'll be fine, it just hurts right now. He will recover.

Get space and distance, he needs to seek comfort from friends and family, and maybe even hate you for a bit.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 26/08/2020 12:51

Its really hard to hurt someone. But its for the best long term.

His whole adult life has been with you and he assumed you would be part of the rest of his adult life. Of course adapting to this will be hard - particularly as you were the person he has turned to for emotional support throughout his adult life so far, and now he's going through a hugely emotionally difficult situation, but he can't look to you for help with coping.

This is why you need to cut contact, he needs to learn to cope with his emotions without you, and he won't do that when he's still speaking to you about how he's feeling and you are trying to make him feel better.

When I was 19 I ended my first long term relationship with a boyfriend who told me he couldn't live without me and was debating killing himself, joint friends thought I was heartless for dumping him for no reason (the reason of "I dont want to be with him" didn't seem to be viewed as a good enough reason). He popped up in some photos an old mutual friend put on Facebook end of last year, he's married with 2 dcs and a big house in the countryside. I'm sure your ex-boyfriend will be similarly fine without you in 20+ years time.

Original poster
sunstay · 26/08/2020 19:49

Thanks everyone for your lovely and helpful comments. I agree with you all that I need to stick to my guns and not take him back out of self pity, I felt a weight of relief when I ended it. But now it's being overshadowed by the constant begging for me to give it another go and to stay with him, it's actually exhausting

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2020 19:55

You don't have to keep listening to the begging - if he's coming round, you don't have to see him. If he's phoning/texting/messaging, you can put him on mute or ignore. Just tell him that you have made your decision and now he needs to leave you alone and lean on his friends & family for support instead.

updownroundandround · 26/08/2020 20:21

You need to create distance so that he can begin to come to terms with things, and he needs to be under no illusions that this is temporary and he can 'win you back'.

The only way you can give him distance in the digital age is to be unreachable....................block him on everything, all SM.

Do not post anything on SM at all for a few weeks ( so that he can't see what you're doing via friends SM). No updates, no pictures nothing.

Block him on your phone, get rid of any 'find my phone' apps, change all passwords, don't go places where you know he'll be.

He has to learn to be on his own, and he can't even begin to learn if he's still in contact with you, for any reason.

You've already told him the relationship is over. You've been kind and caring. It's now time to be tough.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 26/08/2020 20:26

Agree, he has to learn. Cut contact, and cut SM posts for a while.

You also have to allow yourself to grieve too - just because you were the one to end it, doesnt mean you won't also suffer learning to live without him. You can know its the right thing for you, but also find it hard to build a new single life. You have always had him there, and now its just you, for the first time in your adult life. Its ok and normal to find that hard, even though you know being with him isn't right for you.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread