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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not really sure what to call this...

50 replies

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 18:16

I wasn't sure if posting was a good idea or not and I may regret it but I could do with an away from real life sounding board for now

Following on from my previous threads, I finally blew up at him when I saw him watching another video of her. He'd had a glass of wine and left his phone dancing up and I came back in and saw it. He muted her videos so can't see them anymore

I thought everything was fine as he didn't seem bothered. This was July and until this week I was OK. He's not liking anything and hasn't unmuted the videos but I saw him looking at photos of her repeatedly while we were away for a few days

And I feel crap. I haven't said anything as I'm not sure I'm ready to

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 18:21

Who is "her?" Is he your husband?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 18:27

Sorry, yes he is. I didn't explain as there's a few threads of backstory which I realise reading back is useless to fresh eyes!

She is a woman he works with

OP posts:
WishingOnACarrot · 25/08/2020 18:28

Are you able to link to your earlier thread?

Iloveme30 · 25/08/2020 18:31

Can you give a little more info can't really appreciate your problem as it's not clear ❤️

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 18:32

Well then, he's cheating, yes? Physically or emotionally makes no difference. It appears his respect for you is out the window.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 18:40

I'll try and link... Sorry, bit of a stupid post without context

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 18:43

[http]www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3821346-Gossip-might-be-clouding-me [/http]

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 19:02

I'm thinking those "rumours" were true, honestly.

newnamewhosthis · 25/08/2020 19:04

I second @Aquamarine1029 how confident are you ?

Whalewhale · 25/08/2020 19:17

I remember your original thread, OP.
I'm sorry but I really think rumours were true, or at least - they have a strong mutual attraction to each other.
Honestly if I caught my DH watching endless photos and videos of another woman I was insecure about, it would be breaking point for Me. Sorry Sad

seensome · 25/08/2020 19:21

Sadly if most people at his work are talking about their affair then there's got to be something in it. He's at very least obsessed with her, not giving you much attention while you watch him watching her on vids and pics.
Dump him and tell him she's welcome to him.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 19:27

I'm very confident that nothing physical happened, to answer that question. The affair rumours were the better part of a year ago now, nothings been brought up since to my knowledge

I think I'm more concerned about your latter point, whalewhale

Unfortunately it's not as simple as just dumping him. Bar loving him, we've only been married a year (though together 6/7) and have dc

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 25/08/2020 19:36

Op
It IS simple.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is moonubg after someone else?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 19:41

That's where I'm torn... When and why I say I'm not ready to say anything to him again

I also don't know if I have reason to be worried. He's done what I wanted and muted her. If he's just looking at photos of her, I don't know if that's controlling

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 19:50

...I saw him looking at photos of her repeatedly while we were away for a few days

Videos, photos, rumours, you have to have him mute her, which doesn't mean fuck all by the way. You're now monitoring him as though you're his mum and want to make sure he's not being naughty. What a ridiculous way to live.

I'm sorry, op, but I think you have your head firmly in the sand. Your radar is going off because you know something is up.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 19:52

I'm not monitoring him, I just literally walked in and saw it on his screen. I actually felt OK post mute

which doesn't mean fuck all by the way

Why?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 19:53

Because he can unmute her anytime he wants to.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 19:56

He's just muted the videos. He can still see the feed

OP posts:
Whalewhale · 25/08/2020 19:56

@Pollypocket89 I'm truly sorry to be so blunt but reading your replies, from this thread and your previous, it gives the impression you don't want to see what's going on right under your nose. Countless posters are offering their advice and sharing their thoughts and yet it's almost like you don't want to listen, and continue to make excuses. I feel sad for you as it's clearly and awful position to be in, I understand you haven't been married long and have DC but you really deserve better. You deserve Someone who scrolls through yours and the DCs on social media when you're out of the room, not another Women's!

Whalewhale · 25/08/2020 19:57

*Photos

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 19:59

Agree with @Whalewhale 100%

Also, if there's truly nothing going on, and given he knows this issue upsets you, why hasn't he just blocked/unfollowed her?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 20:02

Thank you x Its not that I don't appreciate the replies I just, I keep feeling alright again and happy. He reassured me and it seems absolutely genuine. I've been with him since I was 23 and I adore him. I don't want to not be with him. I do think he loves me and I thought after he muted her videos things would be OK and it was for about a month and then I caught him scrolling through her pictures and it's side swiped me all over again

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 20:02

He said it'd be awkward at work and she's not done anything wrong

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2020 20:09

He said it'd be awkward at work and she's not done anything wrong

What a load of shite, and he's more concerned with her feelings than yours? She's supposedly nothing more than a co-worker, you're his wife. Where does his loyalty lie, exactly?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2020 20:15

OP I mean this with kindness: what keeps making you post about this on MN? What's making you put yourself right at the bottom of his list of priorities? What do you want to make excuses for him in every post except your first ones? It's like you know this isn't right and you deserve more, but whenever you get close to saying it you backtrack. A year into marriage you should not be vying for your husband's attention like this. His behaviour is upsetting you, and you know it is or you wouldn't be here telling MN about it.

This problem isn't getting better, no matter how many band aids you try and stick over it. I'm so sorry, but he's playing you for a mug and you don't deserve it.