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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not really sure what to call this...

50 replies

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 18:16

I wasn't sure if posting was a good idea or not and I may regret it but I could do with an away from real life sounding board for now

Following on from my previous threads, I finally blew up at him when I saw him watching another video of her. He'd had a glass of wine and left his phone dancing up and I came back in and saw it. He muted her videos so can't see them anymore

I thought everything was fine as he didn't seem bothered. This was July and until this week I was OK. He's not liking anything and hasn't unmuted the videos but I saw him looking at photos of her repeatedly while we were away for a few days

And I feel crap. I haven't said anything as I'm not sure I'm ready to

OP posts:

nc600 · 25/08/2020 20:16

Sorry but it's the same old story. Never very original are they?

The rumours are true is my bet. Seen it too many times. You're setting yourself up to spend years doing the pick me dance as they say

Palavah · 25/08/2020 20:19

Seriously he claimed he can't mute her because it would be awkward at work? Unless he works for her social media agency or her manager and she's the 'talent', then there is absolutely no reason why he needs her on any social media at all.

Unfollowing and blocking her doesn't mean she's done anything wrong, FFS.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 20:24

Zelda, just as a sounding board. I don't know if I'm being reasonable... I think there's been so many wtf moments with this woman but then the rest of our life is lovely. Lovely home, lovely dc, I adore him and he doesn't show any sign of not loving me bar these interludes on here. I felt safe again and relaxed after he muted the videos and it was a.?! moment seeing him go onto her profile and look at her

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chickenyhead · 25/08/2020 20:25

eeewwww yucky

You deserve better. But it is clear that you are willing to be irrelevant because you love him.

What is it you love about him? The fact that he has so little respect for you that he doesn't even try to hide what he is doing?

nc600 · 25/08/2020 20:25

It takes a second to unmute. Then another second to mute again.

He propped it up on the worktop ffs. What difference does muting make?

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 20:29

Worktop? He was sitting on the sofa and put his phone down on the arm

The fact that he has so little respect for you that he doesn't even try to hide what he is doing?

He's not seen her on 5/6 months as she's furloughed so I think thats where I'm stuck. Does looking at a picture (nothing weird, just her face) mean that much? Actually asking, not trying to stick my head in the sand

OP posts:

LilyLongJohn · 25/08/2020 20:31

Why are you still doing this op? You need to leave him, just because you've just got married is no reason to keep being married to someone who has absolutely no respect for you

nc600 · 25/08/2020 20:37

Ok, sorry, arm of sofa. Does that make a difference?

There's another woman in your relationship, the rumours were more than likely true. If he was that aghast at the rumours he wouldn't be staring at videos of her months down the line.

It's horrible and hard to accept but it's a tale as old as time

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2020 20:47

@Pollypocket89

The sounding board keeps telling you his behaviour is disrespectful at best and an affair at worst. But you're torturing yourself going round in circles. Just because he's nice most of the time doesn't mean he gets to fawn over a work colleague's videos, or stomp on your self respect.

firecracker69 · 25/08/2020 20:51

Without being unkind, it honestly seems like you're not listening to the common sense advice that everyone is telling you. If indeed he loves you so much, why is he disrespecting you and so blatantly. It would make me wonder what he's up to when you're not around if he is doing this right under your nose.

chickenyhead · 25/08/2020 20:53

so he has no legitimate reason to be silently mooning over videos and pictures of another woman, in your face.

Not even the decency to lock his phone.

Because you think so little of yourself that you are willing to accept that as normal behaviour. It isn't. Reasonable people don't do that.

HyaluronicHippo · 25/08/2020 20:57

Yeah, you’re a horrible naggy wife and I can’t believe he even puts up with you. Drop it and get over it op.

Says no one. Except you it seems. There comes a point where you shit or get off the toilet. Everything you do with him suggests you accept it, so maybe just accept it. There’s three of you in that marriage, you want to stay, so accept it.

Changeit2020 · 25/08/2020 21:01

OP, you deserve more. Bin him off.

chickenyhead · 25/08/2020 21:02

instead of spending time investing in you, his wife, and his DC, instead of that he openly stares at videos and pictures of an inconsequential work colleague? And you seriously cannot see the problem?

Why make him mute it then? Do you find hearing things more difficult than seeing them?

Tell you what, print out her picture and put it above the mantle. When people ask who she is, explain. Maybe one of them can explain to you how absolutely disrespectful this is.

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 21:04

I am listening, I promise. Its just really hard and hard to explain without sounding like a wet blanket. He's the first serious relationship I've had and after 7 years I still love him just as much

The one friend I spoke to about it mentioned that maybe he's got the 7 year itch and that didn't make me feel better

I was stupid and had a look at her social media. Made me feel worse as she looks prettier than I remembered

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Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 21:05

Why make him mute it then? Do you find hearing things more difficult than seeing them?

It doesn't mean mute the volume, it means the story video element is muted so he can't see the videos she posts daily

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ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 25/08/2020 21:09

You sound like a wet blanket because you're willing to put up with it, but even your subconscious is screaming at you that it's not acceptable behaviour. It must be, or you wouldn't be posting. And part of you knows that, which is why you're referring to yourself as a wet blanket. OP, you're turning all this inwards when it's HIM who's behaving in a way you find unacceptable.

Why don't you think your feelings matter?

chickenyhead · 25/08/2020 21:12

oh sorry, I don't do SM.

I just want to shake you.

I guess if you are ok with the fact that he will most likely physically cheat, because he is already cheating emotionally and when it comes to effort, then he will probably stick with the status quo.

I get that you love him, but do you think he loves you the same?

If your daughter was in this type situation what would you say to her?

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 21:17

That's why I said I'm not ready to say anything... I know what I have to say if he's not prepared to fight for me. My feelings do natter. It's just incredibly hard when the 98% of the time I feel happy and loved

I don't know if he does, chicken, and that devastates me

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Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 25/08/2020 21:18

When I blew up about the numerous daily videos he seemed fine to mute her and says he only watched them as they were at the top of the screen so scrolled through everyone's

OP posts:

nc600 · 26/08/2020 11:27

"if he's not prepared to fight for me"

What does this even mean? Won't be much of a "fight" will it? You didn't even expect him to block and delete the woman he's likely had sex with. You deserve so much better, I hope you can get to the point where you can see that.

Menopausalgoddess · 26/08/2020 12:28

I really feel for you. I was thinking about how I'd deal with this and this is what I have concluded. Although you say your life is 98% great, I don't think that's entirely true as what he's doing in this small proportion of his time is having a massive impact on your peace of mind and happiness. He obviously knows that you're very much upset about this. If he really considered you he would not do this he would cut this person out. That is what someone who loves you would do. So, with that in mind, to give him a final opportunity I would sit him down and as calmly as you can tell him how much this is upsetting you (and it should be, you need no more justification). I would ask him to cut all contact (within reason), this is what you need and a relationship is nothing without the ability to honestly express your needs. If he then continues with any contact beyond what is reasonable I would be preparing to end things. I think the reasons you don't do this is are a) you're concerned he has feelings for her and he won't do this for you and b) you struggle to comprehend that it is completely reasonable for you to be explicit with what you want and need. Although you say you don't think it's been physical it definitely sounds emotional which is equally as damaging if not more. If I thought for a moment I was deeply upsetting someone I love, I would do anything within my power to make sure I was not risking my most important relationship. Stand up for yourself, stop trying to be so reasonable, it's upsetting you and he's your husband, get him told once and for all. I hope you get this resolved soon. x

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 02/09/2020 17:56

Thank you. I took some time away from reading so just saw this now.

I still haven't spoken to him about it.. I wanted to watch what he did when we were home. Yesterday I caught him looking twice just scrolling through her page... Before I bring it up, there's literally no other explanation than he's obsessed with her or in love with her is there?

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Menopausalgoddess · 02/09/2020 18:49

I’m sorry but it does sound that way. I understand that people form infatuations, even whilst in relationships, but it’s what we do about it that’s important. Personally I think he needs to cut her out completely. Hope you’re ok. X

Original poster

Pollypocket89 · 14/09/2020 17:59

@Menopausalgoddess thank you x
I've gone through his phone and they aren't speaking often at all. She asked him to do her a favour and he said yes... I don't understand if there's nothing going on (and I'm certain he's not hiding anything other than what I've seen. He doesn't know I looked through the phone or know his password so no need to delete anything etc) why he'd agree to do it

OP posts:

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