Husband would rather drive off a cliff than be with me

[Greyclouds10]

So here I am again..... me and husband reached an awful moment in our relationship and I thought it was over. After posting on here a couple of times it gave me the confidence to talk things through and realise how we were both spiralling with depression. My husband was actually diagnosed years ago and has always struggled but I have always been able to spot when he is bad, but I seem to have missed it this time. I wrote again on here because although things were much better I felt lonely that we didnt spend enough time together, or him with kids. (He starts work at 8, home about 5.45, showers, has tea, then spends about 15-30 minutes with youngest watching tv. Then at 8 he goes in his office and works on his business until 10 when eldest goes to bed. We then try to watch some tv but he often just falls asleep. Weekends, sat takes middle child to football until dinner then bike ride all aft) So last night I plucked up the courage to discuss it. I stayed calm and said that I would like to talk about it, not necessarily now (giving him time to think), that i didnt have a preconceived idea of what should happen, that i dont know the answer and maybe it was just we needed to make the time better that we do have (quality not quantity). I did say that we needed to make our relationship a priority, but i tried really hard to not put pressure on or make it sound like his fault. He got upset and we headed towards an arguement with him accusing me off being in a huff because i hadnt got the outcome i wanted. But i didnt have an outcome, i said did he mind if i went to bed, i didnt want a full blown argument. So today he had gone to work when I got up. I texted and said morning, asked him how he felt because he was upset last night. I re-explained my thoughts and stated again i didnt have any preconceived ideas. That I thought we were moving on but I was sorry if I upset him. I then sat and wrote lots of reasons I love him ready to send him. (Daft I know, probably not the time) but before I could send him them he replied. I just dont know what to say about his reply, I am heartbroken and dont know where to go from here. He said: he spends his time feeling guilty, we changed his work hours to suit me (I wasnt aware if this), that he stretching himself so thinly but it's not good enough so he either gives up his business or biking, that his friends who bike go out for hours on a weekend but he rushes back for me (rushing back means 2+ hours one evening a week and 4+ hours on a sat, plus planning routes and fiddling with bike), that he wants to spend more time together but it's pointless with kids being I'll mannered and selfish and its miserable, that he feels empty, tired and everything is pointless monotomony.
His overriding emotion these days is to maybe drive the car off a cliff and leave us all in peace.
I just am so hurt and upset that I have made his life so bleak, what do I do now.....

Gosh well that sounds like a pity party (him not you). Clearly there are issues but I dont think you need to feel solely responsible for his happiness., or guilty because you are not happy with the status quo.

Can I ask how old your children are, and whether you are a SAHM, just to get a clearer picture of where you are at?

Children are 15, 12 and 9. They do fight with each other and lockdown has taken its toll on them with no school/together all the time. I do work in a school part time so at the moment am at home all the time as it is the holidays.

You both sound seriously depressed. I can tell you from experience that suicidal thoughts are very common and the inability to see a way out.

You would both benefit from counseling. I credit my counselor with helping me to overcome debt, self worth, clutter etc. It's s long road and there's no magic pill, but it is worth it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Seperate counselling or couples counselling or both? And how do I suggest this without making things worse? I love him and want us to be happy but I cant go on being second or third place after everything else

You haven't made his life bleak, if he feels that depressed he needs to go back to his GP/consultant. It sounds like you are doing all you can and you aren't doing anything wrong? What about YOUR feelings? He doesn't seem to care about how you feel at all, his self obsessed. And claiming he rushes back is just B.S. Maybe those he bikes with don't have families, or are being even more crap to their partners. And I bet they maybe spend more time with their family and/or partner on the evening. Claiming he'll have to give up his business/hobby is just a strop. I think you should have individual counselling to cope with him. This relationship is no way to live and personally I recommend separating from him. I don't think he'd be up for couples counselling, or he'll just use it to whine/try and convince the counsellor it should be all about him. The kids will be picking up on what a cloud he casts over the house.

Agree he needs to see his GP if he is feeling this way.

But I don't think it's reasonable for him to do a full time job plus spend 2 hours every evening on his business plus the biking time. He has a family and partner he also needs to be spending time with. Something has to give.

I also have a biking partner who does a big weekend ride- but he doesn't spend every evening working, just 1-2 bike rides in the week before or after work.

Sounds to me like he's trying to guilt trip you into accepting the marriage on his terms i.e. allowing the many hours of cycling and him being an absentee husband and father.

It sounds like he has got into a series of downward cycles with work and family. If he never puts any effort into spending quality time with the kids, he is only ever going to be dealing with them when they are being a pain. Therefore he will just think that they are always a pain and will put in even less effort. He has to be the parent to them and give time and imagination - not expect them to make his life all happy and nice without any constructive input from himself.

Also maybe I am privileged, but surely it is not normal (or healthy) to work all day and every evening. I think he is being a bit dramatic if he thinks that giving up his evening work will be the same as 'giving up his business'.

Has he maybe got into a downward cycle of being tired so feeling stressed and anxious, meaning he works longer hours to try and get more done but just compounds the tiredness and stress?

Would it help to talk about what you both want out of life in the long term, rather than just focusing on the evenings or weekends? Do you need the money or would the business fail without him doing these hours? Or is he working hard because he thinks it will ultimately help him/you achieve some kind of lifestyle which he could just achieve now by cutting his income expectations, reducing his hours and living a slightly simpler life?

Going out all weekend with the boys cycling isn’t a normal part of marriage and if he’s resentful that he can’t do that, its unacceptable. Having hobbies is fine but they have to be reasonable and discussed and balanced with time for kids and family and date nights. You could try and compromise. Say “I understand. It’s about getting s balance. How about you get one full day (no time limits) every other weekend on a Saturday. I’ll have the other Saturday for my things (no time limit), every Sunday will be family time (the set up for that to be further discussed) we will also do one Friday Eve per month as date night and we take it in turns to plan something” would that work? It can’t all be about him

Sounds like he's trying to guilt you into keeping things as they are and accepting the status quo.

Is he depressed? How come he's managing to keep up his previous bike rides and business? He's managing to do stuff that's important to him, isn't he? Shows you where his priorities lie.

How much time of do you get to yourself??

The driving a car off a cliff thing could be a symptom of depression, or it could be an attempt by him to shut you up.

You are not responsible for his happiness. But you are responsible for yours.

If you've tried to talk to him and ask him to spend more time with you, but he doesn't want to, you have a choice.

Split up.
Put up with it for the next 40 years.

He does sound pretty miserable but I’m not sure why you would think you’re to blame? Or why he’d think you are to blame? He needs to look at his own choices about how he spends his time (working till 10pm every evening???) and also discuss priorities for time / quality time with you.

Did you ask him to be home 5:45 every day? Is that the cause of the evening work?
My dh rides from 8:30 till about 1pm on a Sunday but this fits into our lives and he does stuff with dcs on Saturday mornings and with me in the afternoons and evenings.

I'm not clear. Is his day job separate to his evening work? Is he trying to get his own business off the ground?

I actually think he's doing a lot, I don't think stopping him or making him cut down his bike time will help his MH, it's probably what he needs. The problem is you want more time with him when he is already stretched. What happens on a Sunday, I don't think you mentioned that day? The other is working a lot of hours - why 8-10 every night on top of his full day? If these were adjusted hours for your benefit, what was he doing before? Would a date night help? Saturday evening perhaps? There is not a lot of wiggle room because of working long hours, I think perhaps you being stuck at home yourself more and not working might be adding to your lonely feeling, but he may not be responsible for that. If he's doing admin around his business in the evening, could he take someone on to do this for him to free him up more? I don't think he has more in the tank, and you might be coming across as making more demands on his time that he does not have so it's adding pressure. Heads together, discuss strategies. School starting again might help your loneliness, but how to give him more time in the week needs sorting too.

I feel for you. I wasn't depressed but my DH was. Told me he didn't love me anymore about 4 weeks after I'd given birth to our second child.

We seperated for 4 months and he got himself sorted out. Pills and counselling then quickly realised it wasn't me that was the problem.

We were lucky in that he got the help. There is nothing you can do for someone that is depressed other than support. But you can't fix it.

If you're depressed too you also need to look after yourself.

He's working an awful lot. Why is he working so many hours?

Thing is, there never is a winner in the 'which of us works the hardest and is the most hard done by' argument. Everyone ends up feeling resentful and martyred.

The 'drive off a cliff' comment is the sort of hyperbolic statement that crops up in an emotive argument imho. I agree with a previous poster that he is maybe trying to guilt trip you into accepting the status quo.

I also liked the options given by another poster (mumsnet people are rather brilliant!) about every other Saturday and date night etc. If he is willing then there is probably a chance. If not then I guess you may have to consider the schedule for each of you single parenting. apart. That probably won't suit him either!

It is worth both of you trying for the kids though.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your comments. To clarify some things - his day job and evening are seperate. He was running his own business and it was struggling so he took the day job for a steady income and pay business loans. So he started to work on his business on an evening. He is doing it because he genuinely thinks it will become something but (not to be harsh) he has been doing it for 15 years and it only just ticks over and we get £400 a month from it (and his day job, the rest goes into loans for the business). He wants to do it because he feels he has never achieved anything. Imho he doesnt achieve anything on an evening, he isnt productive and is so tired all the time so it is very much a viscous circle. To clarify weekends, on a sunday it is supposed to be family time but for example this sunday he wanted for us all to go out so we sorted that but then he rushed us all because he had to be somewhere at 1pm to deliver something to a customer. Then spent the remainder if the afternoon sorting a dodgy tire on his bike. Now to me the delivery should have been done in 'work hours' or at the very least either end of the day not the middle and I know he needs to sort the tire but as a consequence we barely saw him this weekend.

I do think the idea of the day a fortnight for each of us and a night a month. At the moment I dont have any time. I have said about doing the hours he does and see if he likes it and he said i should do more, which is true, but when and then we would never ever see each other......

Start with counseling for yourself, I use a local firm that have cheap appts for those on a low income. Currently we are using zoom, and it has become the highspot of my week

Then perhaps you can gently suggest he do the same. However, he has to want to do it as do you. So don't try to pressure him.

Good luck 💐

Does he make £400 plus his day job or £400 from buisness and day job per month?

If your youngest is 9 could you work more hours and take some of the pressure off him? Even out the work/life balance a bit?

It's a crap time right now op for us too and my best friend and her dh.

My dh works ridiculous hours right now and has done since lockdown started.

He gets up and goes to work before we are even awake every day and he gets home way after tea time so we don't sit and eat together as a family right now at all apart from a Sunday.

He eats has a shower spends 10 mins with the kids and then goes to bed as he has to be up so early.

I'm also working so am juggling kids work house bills etc and every day things like lunches meals washing pets etc.

It's wearing me down. I'm low at the moment.
I mentioned to dh the other evening I feel like I come way way down the line and it's crap.

Not helped by my job being shot right now and the uncertainty

I don't think he knows or has the energy to do anything abit it right now. His job is taking all his time and energy and I know he feels guilty about it.

Sounds similar op and I do think this year has had a massive impact on people

@relievedlady But I don't think this is due to lockdown or anything for OP's husband. From what she's saying it's virtually a permanent thing.

It is a permanent thing, not a lockdown thing. He makes about £1500 a month but we only get £400 a month because he spends the rest on loans for his business and I dont actually know where the rest goes. He buys some stock and some things for his bike.

£1500 between the two jobs that is

I think you should take his suicidal thoughts seriously, the fact he says he feels like you would be better off without him is an indicator of severe depression.

Will he see his GP?

You also definitely need to sort your finances out, £1500 is not a lot of money to begin with so he shouldn't be able to fritter it away.