Husband would rather drive off a cliff than be with me

[Greyclouds10]

So here I am again..... me and husband reached an awful moment in our relationship and I thought it was over. After posting on here a couple of times it gave me the confidence to talk things through and realise how we were both spiralling with depression. My husband was actually diagnosed years ago and has always struggled but I have always been able to spot when he is bad, but I seem to have missed it this time. I wrote again on here because although things were much better I felt lonely that we didnt spend enough time together, or him with kids. (He starts work at 8, home about 5.45, showers, has tea, then spends about 15-30 minutes with youngest watching tv. Then at 8 he goes in his office and works on his business until 10 when eldest goes to bed. We then try to watch some tv but he often just falls asleep. Weekends, sat takes middle child to football until dinner then bike ride all aft) So last night I plucked up the courage to discuss it. I stayed calm and said that I would like to talk about it, not necessarily now (giving him time to think), that i didnt have a preconceived idea of what should happen, that i dont know the answer and maybe it was just we needed to make the time better that we do have (quality not quantity). I did say that we needed to make our relationship a priority, but i tried really hard to not put pressure on or make it sound like his fault. He got upset and we headed towards an arguement with him accusing me off being in a huff because i hadnt got the outcome i wanted. But i didnt have an outcome, i said did he mind if i went to bed, i didnt want a full blown argument. So today he had gone to work when I got up. I texted and said morning, asked him how he felt because he was upset last night. I re-explained my thoughts and stated again i didnt have any preconceived ideas. That I thought we were moving on but I was sorry if I upset him. I then sat and wrote lots of reasons I love him ready to send him. (Daft I know, probably not the time) but before I could send him them he replied. I just dont know what to say about his reply, I am heartbroken and dont know where to go from here. He said: he spends his time feeling guilty, we changed his work hours to suit me (I wasnt aware if this), that he stretching himself so thinly but it's not good enough so he either gives up his business or biking, that his friends who bike go out for hours on a weekend but he rushes back for me (rushing back means 2+ hours one evening a week and 4+ hours on a sat, plus planning routes and fiddling with bike), that he wants to spend more time together but it's pointless with kids being I'll mannered and selfish and its miserable, that he feels empty, tired and everything is pointless monotomony.
His overriding emotion these days is to maybe drive the car off a cliff and leave us all in peace.
I just am so hurt and upset that I have made his life so bleak, what do I do now.....

It's not you op, he has depression!!

I would let him keep the cycling, exercise helps with depression. You both sound really stretched/ thinly spread. See if you can have a date night every couple of weeks. Can your kids be trusted home alone? You also shouldn't put pressure on him and make him responsible for your happiness. Just work together as partners to make the whole family happier.

He sounds like another petulant cyclist with a hobby/business that doesn’t pay enough to live on.
Sorry to be blunt but only he can sort his own life out. You need to start making plans for your own future with your dc. Whether you stay together or not you need to protect your own mental health & not let him blame you for his failings. If his business isn’t paying off after 15 years he needs to face up to it & call it a day.

Thanks everyone, I feel alot better for a good nights sleep and think, clearer.

We need to talk and it obviously isnt going to be easy. After listening to you all I have realised I do resent him going on his bike but not just because of a lack of time spent with me/us but also because I dont have anything, its kids, husband, family, work, housework, etc but never me. I need to fix this, dont know what yet, but it's a start knowing I need to do it!

I realise that the whole situation is made worse by the fact he does biking and works on an evening. It would be no where near as bad if it was one or the other. He does suffer depression and we need to deal with this and I know going out on his bike helps with this (as well as other health benefits) so to me this needs to stay as priority.

Working until 10 every night isnt helping in anyway, lack of time, too tired to be productive and makes him more tired. We need to somehow address this. I wondered instead of taking someone on, could I do a couple of hours paperwork a week?

Then also I need to go back to doctors, I am struggling hugely with my weight and am really unhealthy and most if it is from stress from home and an unhappy job. I need to take responsibility for this and do something, counselling along side trying to loose the weight.

I think we need to set up a date night even if it is only once a month to start. Would need childcare, not happy leaving my 9 year old. But we could sort if not a regular thing. Then look at how to make our time more productive - maybe no phones/technology between say 10 and 5 on a sun. That would help with my eldest as well. Maybe no screens or tv for half an hour after tea to play games or something.

Thank you so much everyone, you have all helped so much.

What is his hobby business that has that much in loan repayments?

Your DC are old enough to stay home by themselves. They just need some training. Then start with an hour or 2 at a time. Do they have regular chores to do?

OP I have to ask, how does he justify a hobby business which eats so much of his wage in 'business loans'? If he closed the business would there be anything to sell to pay off the loans? I would be seriously looking at whether it's worth him carrying on with it if I were you, sounds like it costs more than it makes.

he has been doing it for 15 years and it only just ticks over and we get £400 a month from it (and his day job, the rest goes into loans for the business)

He makes about £1500 a month but we only get £400 a month because he spends the rest on loans for his business and I dont actually know where the rest goes.

This is absolutley insane. He's working all those hours and for what? What kind of business is how own none? What does he sell? What stock does he need?

If it's not been successful in 15 years, he needs to wind it up and concentrate on his day job. This is crazy!! If you look at all the hours he's working on it, it's actually COSTING him money, not making it.

Why is he taking out loans for a business that is doing so badly?

You also need to know where the rest of his money goes.

A date night would be last on my list of priorities.

I'd look at all the free time he gets then make sure I had equal.

Then I'd sit down with him and look at all the figures for his business, and sort that out. Then if he doesn't have to work in he eves, he will be less tired and will have more time to spend with the dc, with you, and helping to run the house.

If he doesn't want to do any of these things, then you know where his priorities lie...

Hi, it seems you are trying to fix everything at once. It seems like if you can only think of a new bunch of rules to control everyone, including yourself, this would fix things = happiness.
Put yourself first. This means looking at your own part in the relationships you have co-created. You take a passive role and then when you feel uncomfortable feelings, you start minding 'someone else's business' instead of your own business.
You are overly absorbed with your husband's life. Instead of doing something for yourself, you might spend ages composing a long text to him about how to fix things.
Look at little things you could do TODAY to help yourself get to know yourself more and change life for yourself and in your own life.
You can make a lot of changes and start to feel more freedom without dramatic changes to the people around you.
Look up articles and books about Codependency. It will open your eyes to your own part in the relationship dynamics.
It's a pattern a lot of we women fall into after kids arrive. We turn into Caretakers. We over identify with the Mothering role, we mother our partners and dismiss our own needs and only see ourselves in the enmeshed roles with our partners and children.

For example your 9yr old could stay with the two girls while you go for a walk - it is your reluctance to leave him - not the fact that he is in danger from that.
But currently all you can notice is that leaving him fills you with a horrible feeling. It's your separation anxiety not the kid's.
It takes a bit of effort to find yourself again but you can do this.
Article on codepency:
psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/
As well as looking at books on codependency this book might be useful to start making small changes that are doable. It's based on Acceptance & Commitment therapy www.amazon.co.uk/Power-Small-Powerful-Changes-Everything/dp/1473666996?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Do you work too? What are your hours?

Priority is shutting down that business hobby. Or at least investigating where the money is going? £1100 of it.

So he works about 200 hours a month and nets £400 a month?

Not that money is everything, of course, but... this isn't sustainable.