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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New BF asking me to cut ties with exBF

27 replies

Squeaky78 · 25/08/2020 11:40

Long story short, exBF and I were together for 3.5 years. We got a dog together at around 3 years and then split up about 6 months later. This was 18 months ago. The split was because he cheated and generally treated me like crap. He is also very manipulative.

ExBF adores the dog and so we have been sharing custody of him, with ex walking him once or twice a week. I pay for everything and the dog is all in my name. Ex can't have the dog full time due to his job whereas I work from home and have an outdoors lifestyle which suits the dog best. The dog has been living with me alone for 18 months.

I'm now been seeing someone new for about 5 months, it's going really well, I really like him and think that we have a future together. However, he hates that I am still in contact with my (what he calls toxic) ex. He wants me to cut all ties with him and stop him seeing the dog.

He has been reasonable in his approach with this, saying he has boundaries and that this situation isn't making him happy so if I want to keep the ex seeing the dog, he will step away from the relationship. He has not demanded anything, just laid down what he is/isn't comfortable with, so I don't feel this is controlling behaviour in any way.

He has been very supportive so far but exBF has done several things which has made new BF very uncomfortable. One being about a month in and exBF called me 57 times in one evening and then sent me a string of abusive messages calling me every name under the sun for being with someone new. He then grovelled an apology the next day. So, understandably, new BF doesn't think much of him.

Now I would be perfectly happy to never see my ex again. The only person the current arrangement is benefiting is my ex. But I know that if I tell him he can never see the dog again he will be devastated. He will also likely become very nasty and threatening. Current BF has said he will support me 100% if this happens.

Would I be a horrible person to tell my ex he can't see the dog again and that I want to cut ties? Knowing that this would absolutely devastate him? At the same time, I care more about the feelings of my current BF.

Any thoughts welcome

OP posts:
MrsOldma · 25/08/2020 11:45

It’s a dog. Your ex will get over it. Its coming down to your ex or or your new bf. It should be a non issue. If I was your new bf this would be a massive red flag.

It’s a dog Confused

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 12:09

Take the dog out of the situation for one min and I would say cut ties because your ex is abusive. He is using the dog to manipulate and stay in your life.
You say your ex called you 57 times in one eve. Why have you not blocked hom for that?
You say he would be devastated but why are his feelings more important than yours? A man who cheated on you and treated you like crap.
He doesn't get to bombard you with phone calls or comment on your new relationship. Your new boyf is right, this is unhealthy and I would walk away too.

Sakurami · 25/08/2020 12:14

I think you should cut ties with anyone abusive! I don't blame your boyfriend not wanting you to have anything to do with him. If he wasn't abusive then I wouldn't see the problem, but as it stands your boyfriend is right.

AyeCorona1 · 25/08/2020 12:14

exBF called me 57 times in one evening and then sent me a string of abusive messages calling me every name under the sun

Dog or no dog, this is horrifically abusive behaviour that the police might be interested in. If you shared a child with him I would be stopping contact and waiting for a court order, never mind a pet!

Bin off the horrible abusive ex, it's has nothing to do with the new boyfriend!

OnlyHereForThePie · 25/08/2020 12:18

The dog is a red herring. Your ex is abusive and you should cut ties with him because of this, nothing to do with the dog.

I would be devastated if I suddenly never saw my dog again but then I wouldn't send abusive messaged to my ex either.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 12:18

Also it is harassment by your ex and I would keep a log incase you need to go to the police.57 times is mental and not right.
This sounds pretty serious and I think your new boyf is trying to get for you to see this.
Do not ever reply and I would keep your dog away from him
If he can treat humans like that, imagine how he would treat an animal.

Original poster
Squeaky78 · 25/08/2020 12:22

Thanks everyone for the replies. I had pretty much made my mind up that I was going to cut ties, but he always manages to manipulate me to get his own way, usually playing the mental health card so I feel sorry for him.

The main thing for me is that it has always about him and what he wants. I want him out of my life now, and I'm bloody well going to do what I want for a change!

OP posts:
starskey80 · 25/08/2020 12:23

I was going to say that new bf was out of line and it's a red flag but then I saw the abusive shite you get from your ex.

You sound like a people pleaser, he treated you like shit, still is, yet you don't want to upset him ???
I can see why new bf is frustrated.

Tell the ex to do one, he doenst own the dog, you do. Simples.

Aerial2020 · 25/08/2020 12:23

Good for you!!!
It will be such a relief. You will thank yourself for it

starskey80 · 25/08/2020 12:24

Sorry, cross post..... well done OP, the best move for you.

JamieLeeCurtains · 25/08/2020 12:25

Maybe the 57 calls were some sort of play on Heinz 57 dog. It's a very specific number.

updownroundandround · 25/08/2020 12:28

Good for you OP !

You have moved on, now it's his turn.

As PP has said, he's only carried on seeing the dog as a means to stay in contact with you.

Block him on everything, and enjoy your new relationship. Flowers

GetThatHelmetOn · 25/08/2020 12:28

I wouldn’t be staying in touch with a nasty ex for the sake of a dog. Dogs are not kids, they do not need “custody” arrangements and they replace the ex in their hearts with the new man much faster than you do, especially if their “contact time” is only a couple of times a week when they are more focused on sniffing things around than having “quality time” with a former acquaintance of the owner.

Wondersense · 25/08/2020 12:29

One being about a month in and exBF called me 57 times in one evening and then sent me a string of abusive messages calling me every name under the sun for being with someone new

Yes - absolutely stop him from seeing the dog. If you have to, find the dog a new, loving home. Your ex might be using the dog as a way to still have some kind of hold on you.

Also, take a step back and think about your boundaries. Your new boyfriend is wise not to get involved in a horrible situation with your ex, but decide now what you are willing to do to get someone to stay with you. Otherwise, you will always be at the mercy of someone going -'If you won't do x, I'll leave'. The other person doesn't have to be malicious in order to control you by-proxy, but it can happen if both parties don't realise what a healthy dynamic is. You both need to have a sense of what is reasonable and what is unreasonable for you to change. Also, just because your new boyfriend is better than your last, doesn't mean his actions are good. You need to have a sense of what's healthy, not what's better.

Themadcatparade · 25/08/2020 12:38

If it’ll your ex was purely a good person who had no feelings for you and genuinely just wanted to take the dog twice a week I would say that your new bf was being totally unreasonable - but this is not the case here. Your ex is getting in the way of your new relationship and this is totally unfair on your new partner (id walk away too!) and it’s unfair on you. Tbh it sounds like your ex is using the dog to stay in your life and stopping you from moving on. Do what’s best for yourself not your ex. It seems he’s playing on your heartstrings a bit

HollowTalk · 25/08/2020 12:41

You should've stopped all contact after those abusive messages and calls. He wouldn't have been able to argue with that.

Your new partner sounds like a decent guy - he's just stating what he won't have anything to do with, and I don't blame him.

Thelnebriati · 25/08/2020 12:45

Don't let him see the dog ''just one last time.''

PinkMonkeyBird · 25/08/2020 12:49

Until I read up to the part where your ex-BF was sending abusive texts etc, I thought your new BF was being a bit of a dick...however, I agree with your new BF with regards to cutting your ex out of your life.

At the end of the day, your ex is the one who ruined everything by cheating on you. I think you have been too kind to have kept him involved with the dog. Time to cut all contact IMO. He can use Borrow My Doggy if he's that desperate for doggy interaction.

perfumeistooexpensive · 25/08/2020 12:58

He’s using the dog as an excuse to keep in touch. Block him on everything. It’s just emotional blackmail. Concentrate on your new BF who is sounding very sensible.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 25/08/2020 12:59

Cut ties, block him on everything. If he shows up and starts being abusive dont open door and call police.

Its hard when he's been manipulating you for years though

GilbertMarkham · 25/08/2020 13:13

Knowing that this would absolutely devastate him?

He'll get over it.

Stop pandering to an abuser.

His mental health is his responsibility - not one of his exes who he's treated shittily.

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/08/2020 13:46

The dog is a red herring

They clearly saw you coming.

SarahBellam · 25/08/2020 14:14

My first thought was that your new BF was being controlling by trying to tell you who you can or can’t see, but having read the whole story it sounds like he’s trying to protect you from an abusive ex. Your ex sounds AWFUL to be fair, and you get nothing from this arrangement. The dog is yours and he doesn’t contribute anything to its care. I think your boyfriend is right. I think you need to move on - you realise you could be stuck seeing him a few times a week for the next 10-12years? Is that what you really want? If he wants a dog he needs to get his own. Stop the arrangement and block him.

Jayaywhynot · 25/08/2020 14:17

Block the ex, you dont owe him anything, so what if he gets upset, I'll bet he didnt mind when you were upset when he was abusing you.
Dont engage, block him on everything, if he turns up at your house, dont answer the door and ring the police.
His mental health is nothing to do with you, this is another form of control. Let your BF support you through this.

Notjustabrunette · 25/08/2020 14:51

If your new bf had an abusive ex who they continued to see once or twice a week, how would you react? I think you have your answer.
Good luck.

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