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Relationships

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Original poster

Dumped after my night shift after 2.5 years

33 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 25/08/2020 11:09

Feel numb writing this but after I walked in from a busy night shift this morning my partner of 2.5 years dumped me. Said he cannot move in to the house we are currently buying together as his DD isnt going to be happy or like it. Bit of background he moved in with me 6 months ago had sold his house, we went on holiday with his DD (7) and my two DC and our daughter fought alot and squabbled. Said his DD is now wounded by the holiday, she is an only child and incredibly spoilt and cannot cope with any conflict, sibling arguing etc she is very protected.

I'm absolutely shocked and devastated that he has decided this and wont try and see a way through, he is giving it all up for a few days of kids squabbling.
I'm so sad how do I manage this pain? Any tips please. My DC will be devastated, he is coming back to tell them later. How will I say goodbye.

OP posts:

PhannyPharts · 25/08/2020 11:16

I'm sorry this has happened and you are in hurting badly right now. Does he have to come back and say good bye tonight? Can't you both take a week or so to clear your own emotional pain before you talk to the children? I'm not saying don't do it, but at least do it when you have processed it properly rather than everyone sobbing in the room together. The adults really need to be together themselves before involving the children.

ScrapThatThen · 25/08/2020 11:23

I'm so sorry OP. Try to get some sleep and talk to someone. Postpone the goodbye to the kids if you can't cope with it tonight (they will need to know that you will be ok, but it's ok for them to know that you are sad). You can still let them know about the break up so they have some context for your emotions right now. He didn't go about it the right way but the house purchase may have pressured him into an earlier decision than he would have wanted. And I hope he doesn't pin this all on his dd because she is not responsible for adult relationships, this isn't her fault (but if he feels rightly or wrongly that leaving is in her best interests, then it is ok for him to make that decision).

Molteni · 25/08/2020 17:06

I’m sorry but he didn’t do anything wrong. He acted in the best interest of his daughter.

willowmelangell · 25/08/2020 17:51

So the holiday brought out the worst possible scenario. Your combined dc do not blend.
I am guessing he will now be moving out soon. You are worried about the impact on your dc. Plus trying to work out how you went from all living in your house and having a bf to being a single parent again, overnight.
It is almost too much.

I hope he will pay the expenses of cancelling the joint house move.
I also hope you will hold on to your dignity and self respect.

Perhaps there will be a point where you two can date again. IF you still feel the same way about him. Or, maybe, this holiday brought out his cold feet and he is grabbing the 'dd can't cope' as a get out.
Either way, ramp up your contraception and get his key back.
So very sad for you. I have had a 'out of nowhere' break-up. I remember the humiliation, shock, physical pain and mental struggle. You do have the blessing of dc to keep you going.

LovingLola · 25/08/2020 17:55

He’s doing what a lot of people don’t do - he’s putting his own child first.

HappyDays10101 · 25/08/2020 18:14

It must be very difficult for you but it sounds to me like he is doing the right thing. Maybe it’s normal for siblings to fight, but his DD isn’t siblings with your children, and making her live with two other kids who aren’t nice to her would be really mean of him.

At least you’ve found out before moving in.

MrsGrindah · 25/08/2020 18:18

Does he know you think his daughter is incredibly spoilt? Perhaps he’s just picking up on the fact that you are not keen and her and deciding her happiness comes first. Don’t blame him really.And at least he’s got the guts to tell your DC.

Glitteris · 25/08/2020 18:19

Op your annoyances seems to be directed to the dd when I fact she is how he parented her.

And to be honest others won't agree but I don't believe it his reason at all.

He moved in to your home for 6 months?... where was his daughter priority in this situation?...

It sounds mean but it sounds more like he used you for the time and now he's on to other things.

To end your relationship like this is extremely unhealthy for the dd, it shows her that relationships are easily thrown away, it will give her anxiety when he goes on to the next. He teaches that working through problems is unnecessary.

I'm sorry for you OP it's a horrible situation.

GisAFag · 25/08/2020 18:23

I wouldn't personally allow him back to say goodbye. I'd pack his stuff and leave it in the door step. It's over. His choice. He's making out it's the kids fault because they are kids who argue with each other. It's not, it's him 100 %. He's made his bed he doesn't have to rub salt in the wound. He's only doing it to make himself feel better.

2bazookas · 25/08/2020 18:34

Can you cancel the house purchase? At the very least you'll need to reconsider whose names go on the title. If he's not going to live in it I doubt he wants to pay for it.

Will you be able to afford it on your own?

Voyager54 · 25/08/2020 18:35

Going on holiday is always problematic and tests child/adult relationships.I think if you look back it may be that the child dispute is just a away or saying a polite no.

The other thing that is going on is a house purchase again a very stressful process as it never goes smoothly.

I speak from bitter experiences over the years and also being a night shift worker.

Good luck OP

Monzeitia · 25/08/2020 18:49

No; he doesn’t come back and tell your children; is his decision; you tell your children and pack his stuff and leave them outside
Goodbye to him and her spoil daughter
Look after your kids

ZooKeeper19 · 25/08/2020 19:00

@Festivalgirl83 exactly what @Glitteris and @GisAFag said. It's him. He is an adult who chose to mis-parent his DD, used you when it suited him and is off now. Sad, but real.

Hope you can manage with the house purchase, and not sure how to go about your two DC. You say they will be devastated - maybe best to have him to explain himself. Timing wise it's up tp you, depends how you feel. I'd want it done and over with.

On a side note - how immature to base one's life decisions on a holiday with family. I love my family and have had some of the most atrocious holidays with them that I never ever want to experience again ever in my life. Still I love them and we get on very well at home. So it is totally an excuse and a sign of his poor parenting and relationship skills.

BlueJava · 25/08/2020 19:17

That's a tough thing to happen OP, but he has put his daughter first and it's obviously what he genuinely feels he has to do. Things will get brighter eventually even though it's tough times now.

netflixismysidehustle · 25/08/2020 19:29

Sorry about the timing and breakup.

Better now than after the breakup I guess? If you'd stayed together it sounds like he'd be the time of partner who had wildly different expectations from your kids and his

netflixismysidehustle · 25/08/2020 19:30

Let him continue on his deluded and ostrich parent ways. You and your kids did nothing wrong

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 25/08/2020 19:38

It seems to me that his DD, being an only child, is not used to having siblings, but more importantly, is not used to conflict where people tend to move on and forget about it. DS has a good friend who is an only child, and is not used to the rumble of family life. Absolutely not his fault, but he is used to being with two adults who react totally differently than siblings.

I don't agree that her father is putting her first - he is allowing her to decide his relationships which is not healthy for any child to have that much power.

carreterra · 25/08/2020 19:38

@Festivalgirl83
There have been a number of comments on this thread, praising your partner for putting his spoilt daughter first. It could be he is just using her as an excuse. Ok, she is only 7, but I have experienced similar in my most recent relationship. I ended my relationship of 16 years v recently, when we met his daughter was in her late 20's, and before she had even met me, she told her dad "she is going to fleece you!"
We continued in the relationship, despite this red flag. I tried to get on with his daughter for his sake, and she tried with me, in her own condescending way. Now it's all over, one of the numerous advantages is that i will never see this spoilt madam again, I don't have to put up with her. If you have really made the effort with his daughter, don't despair, but think of the positives. Did your children like her? (( (hugs)))

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/08/2020 19:47

Sounds like he is using his DD as an excuse to end the relationship.

OP, hard to see it but better now the relationship ends before you are financially tied.

Find your anger-tell him to get his stuff and fuck off! And makes sure HE deals with cancelling the house purchase and costs involved.

sycamorecottage · 25/08/2020 19:48

How far along with the house purchase are you?

nc600 · 25/08/2020 19:50

I wouldn't have him coming back to see my kids whilst I'm upset still. No chance

winterchills · 25/08/2020 19:51

😩this is sad to read but its nice to hear he has his daughters best interests at heart. Many people make decisions based on their own feelings.

seensome · 25/08/2020 19:53

Was his daughter meant to move in with you permanently too or just to visit?
I can understand if it's a permanent thing, it would cause too much stress but kids grow up, could he not even continue the relationship without moving in until the kids are more mature?

category12 · 25/08/2020 19:54

Better end it now than mess up everyone's lives.

I feel like there's more to it on his side, probably.

CatSmith · 25/08/2020 20:11

My first instinct is that he is using his daughter as an excuse, he wanted out and she gave him an escape route.

Let him go, he doesn’t love you enough if he’s willing to hurt you, you do deserve better than him.

For what it’s worth, my ex fiancé did the same, I got home at 9.00am to him having loaded his van up. I didn’t cry or beg him to reconsider because I’d been hurt before and I promised I’d never humiliate myself by begging anyone to stay, ever again. He did me a favour because I met a much nicer man and married him.

You are much stronger than you think, you deserve a man who wants to be with you and will fight to keep you, not some slug who gives up at the first hurdle.

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