Dumped after my night shift after 2.5 years

[Festivalgirl83]

Feel numb writing this but after I walked in from a busy night shift this morning my partner of 2.5 years dumped me. Said he cannot move in to the house we are currently buying together as his DD isnt going to be happy or like it. Bit of background he moved in with me 6 months ago had sold his house, we went on holiday with his DD (7) and my two DC and our daughter fought alot and squabbled. Said his DD is now wounded by the holiday, she is an only child and incredibly spoilt and cannot cope with any conflict, sibling arguing etc she is very protected.

I'm absolutely shocked and devastated that he has decided this and wont try and see a way through, he is giving it all up for a few days of kids squabbling.
I'm so sad how do I manage this pain? Any tips please. My DC will be devastated, he is coming back to tell them later. How will I say goodbye.

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

It seems to me that his DD, being an only child, is not used to having siblings, but more importantly, is not used to conflict where people tend to move on and forget about it. DS has a good friend who is an only child, and is not used to the rumble of family life. Absolutely not his fault, but he is used to being with two adults who react totally differently than siblings.

I don't agree that her father is putting her first - he is allowing her to decide his relationships which is not healthy for any child to have that much power.

I agree with the first part of this. Equally there’s no guarantee your DC would forgive her in the same way.

I assume there are other reasons that you think she is spoilt and not just the way she handles sibling conflict.

I don’t agree that a child shouldn’t be heard when they are not comfortable with a relationship (but as someone who suffered child abuse from parents I am projecting a little and I know that is probably not the case here). But some situations are workable and others are not or not worth it.

Whether yours was not workable or not worth it to him, only you can tell but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong for how you are feeling and he did the right thing doing it pre move/house purchase.

Really shit timing but sometimes that’s just how things come to a head.

No take care of yourself and you DC

To end your relationship like this is extremely unhealthy for the dd, it shows her that relationships are easily thrown away, it will give her anxiety when he goes on to the next. He teaches that working through problems is unnecessary.

“Extremely unhealthy”, that’s quite a stretch. It’s 2.5 years. Six months of living together. If it isn’t working early on, end it. His daughter will be fine, even if she’s spoilt. Off course she indirectly gets a say in his relationships, the alternative is forcing people upon her. When she’s grown-up he can do whatever he likes, and even then she’ll probably have some influence.

Of course children shouldn’t dictate adult relationships - but when the adult relationship means the child has to take on a stepmother, and step siblings who fight, then of course the set up has to be enhancing their life as well as the parent’s.

@willowmelangell

So the holiday brought out the worst possible scenario. Your combined dc do not blend. I am guessing he will now be moving out soon. You are worried about the impact on your dc. Plus trying to work out how you went from all living in your house and having a bf to being a single parent again, overnight. It is almost too much. I hope he will pay the expenses of cancelling the joint house move. I also hope you will hold on to your dignity and self respect. Perhaps there will be a point where you two can date again. IF you still feel the same way about him. Or, maybe, this holiday brought out his cold feet and he is grabbing the 'dd can't cope' as a get out. Either way, ramp up your contraception and get his key back. So very sad for you. I have had a 'out of nowhere' break-up. I remember the humiliation, shock, physical pain and mental struggle. You do have the blessing of dc to keep you going.

Either way, ramp up your contraception and get his key back.

Why on earth would she still be sleeping with him when he's just said what he's said and has unilaterally decided to end the relationship? Even if he was up for using her that way, I'm sure she has more dignity than that

@HappyDays10101

Of course children shouldn’t dictate adult relationships - but when the adult relationship means the child has to take on a stepmother, and step siblings who fight, then of course the set up has to be enhancing their life as well as the parent’s.

Exactly, too many people (men and women) think nothing of foisting other adults onto their children and conveniently forget that it's the child's home, not just their own! As a child they are in the most vulnerable position with no choice over adults they would rather not have in their lives, coming in to live with them and it can end up being quite traumatic after the child has already experienced the trauma of their own parents breaking up.

Even if the daughter is spoilt, why does she have to suffer an unpleasant and stressful home/life situation with 2 children who are not siblings and really have nothing to do with her. Assuming it's not an excuse to cover another reason, the dad is absolutely making the right decision.

@Molteni
Yes it is extremely unhealthy to end a situation like this after such a rushed start.

But sweetie you picked the part you had a opinion on and ignored the rest.

And for you to know children in situations like this are just fine, makes it very clear that you are unaware of the depression levels of the young people and how adults and young people nowadays can't seem to form long lasting relationship. Actually any relationships at all,

This is unfortunately quite common in blended family's and it takes alot of patience on both sides to make the relationship work, but as you know the kids allways come first and your no 1 priority, so will need to try and find someone who is willing to make it work.

It really annoys me when only children get labelled as spoilt. What choice have they had but to be the absolute focus of their parents undivided attention? Blending with rowing siblings would be a nightmare for a little girl who hasn't grown up in that dynamic, particularly when she has no siblings of her own for back up. He's doing a good thing although it hurts, it's the wrong dynamic completely.