Is 18 months too soon to move in with new partner who is a single parent?

[Chocaholic9]

(Sorry in advance if there's too much detail in here. Didn't want to "drip feed.")

I need to have a conversation with my new guy (who is a single parent to his 5 yo)

Do you think it's reasonable to let him know that if we both think our new relationship "has legs" in a few months time, that I want to move in with a new partner after 18 months? Or am I going too fast?

A bit of background: I'm 36. I met this guy 2.5 years ago when I was overseas (in a country most of my family live in) and we had a fling for about a couple of months.

I had to go back home. After I left, we stayed in touch by email (and phone sometimes) when I went back to the UK. I always wanted to go back and be with him, however he met someone new and they were together for about 9 months during that time.

I was still in love with him and thought about him every day. I had a bunch of stuff at his place so as he had met someone new, I decided it was time to go get it, and say goodbye to this guy, and close the door on it all. So I went back to do that, but he split with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before my trip and we realised we were still in love when we saw each other.

I recently decided to go back to that country to live, partly to see if things could work with him. I'm now living close to him.

As mentioned, he has a 5 year old who he has on the weekend overnight and a couple of times during the week.

Re. the time limit: the reason for it is: I am not sure if I want to have kids.

I've only ever been in long distance relationships and would like to be in a healthy relationship with someone to be able to make the decision of whether I want children. It's harder to make that decision in a vacuum when you're single. But I don't want to mess around for the next 4 years or so because it feels like this is a pivotal time fertility wise and I need to be smart about it.

I think I feel apprehensive because he ended things with his last girlfriend because she was 43 and pressuring him to have kids & commitment after 9 months together.

I do love him but a small part of me wondered if at 36 I'm better off finding someone who has no kids. I know that he moves slowly in relationships.

I need to have this conversation tomorrow and any tips or advice are welcome. I feel like I don't know what is "normal" because I haven't ever been in this position of wanting to commit to someone. I don't want to be too rigid but at the same time I don't want to waste my time.

@SimonJT

There isn’t a single acceptable timescale, it depends on the individual situation.

We’ve moved in after a year, I had intended to hopefully move him in around September which would have been 18 months. Obviously it was dependent on how the relationship was working for all three of us, not just me and him. We ended up having to self isolate together for 14 days, his housemate has CF so I offered for him to stay for another week as there were no hotels obviously and most airbnbs weren’t available, those that were weren’t in places he could actually get to work. By that time he would be safe to move back to his own flat. I enjoyed having him here, but more importantly my son was okay, I did however continue to review it on a weekly basis. By week six I sat him and down and we had several indepth discussions on how to move forward, expectations etc.

You have to remember as the non-parent you will essentially be in second place, you will have to fit into their routine etc. It isn’t easy for the non-parent and you have to be very honest about what will actually work for you.

Theres nothing wrong with stating what you want in a relationship early on, I want to move in together, get married and hopefully go on to adopt together. This is something I express early on. I don’t however express that I want to do it with that person. I want those things in a relationship, I don’t however tell someone after a few weeks that I want to live with them, or marry them or have a child with them. Thats future faking.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I am not going to tell him I want X, Y, or Z with him. I'm going to tell him that in any relationship I get into, I am looking for something committed where we share a home and I don't want to take several years to get there.

I suspect he will run a mile when you have that conversation. I don't think you have known him long enough to even have the conversation and I don't think many people would appreciate the pressure of having to map it all out when you barely know each other.
I would say carry on as you are now and if you are both in the same place in a years time, have that conversation about the future. Not now.

If you had at this stage been with him for a year and wanted to know whether 18 months would be a reasonable time to have the conversation, I would have said yes (provided everything was going well, but he just hadn't mentioned anything), then it would be to give him a nudge and say "c'mon, we've been together a year, what are our long term plans".

You have only been with him a few weeks, and wanting to push the timelines forward to the 18 month timeframe, but at this early stage. It's going to make the relationship really unnatural, with him carrying on oblivious to your plans for the next 14 months and you checking the calendar on count-down ready for the day you can have the conversation.

A really bad idea IMO, and sets you up for big tensions as time goes by when you get closer to your self-imposed deadline and get the sense over time that he isn't behaving according to your master plan. You can't just expect someone to feel the way you want them, in the timescales you want them, and coincide with your life plans because that's what you want.

You'll find some posters on MN who knew within a few dates that the person was their soul mate and they'd marry them - the big difference is that both of them felt the same way, it happened spontaneously and there were no stop-watches involved.

I am looking for something committed where we share a home and I don't want to take several years to get there.

In thay case a parent of a child still living at home is unlikely to be an ideal partner for you.

single parent here -i would categorically not move in with my parner for 2/3years after meeting and seeing each other regularly.

i like my own space though.

I think this man is 50/50 on more kids? time is not on your side?and you have spent 6 weeks with him and talking about making plans for 18 months time?

this isnt meant to work. sorry