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Original poster

Is 18 months too soon to move in with new partner who is a single parent?

55 replies

Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 12:08

(Sorry in advance if there's too much detail in here. Didn't want to "drip feed.")

I need to have a conversation with my new guy (who is a single parent to his 5 yo)

Do you think it's reasonable to let him know that if we both think our new relationship "has legs" in a few months time, that I want to move in with a new partner after 18 months? Or am I going too fast?

A bit of background: I'm 36. I met this guy 2.5 years ago when I was overseas (in a country most of my family live in) and we had a fling for about a couple of months.

I had to go back home. After I left, we stayed in touch by email (and phone sometimes) when I went back to the UK. I always wanted to go back and be with him, however he met someone new and they were together for about 9 months during that time.

I was still in love with him and thought about him every day. I had a bunch of stuff at his place so as he had met someone new, I decided it was time to go get it, and say goodbye to this guy, and close the door on it all. So I went back to do that, but he split with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before my trip and we realised we were still in love when we saw each other.

I recently decided to go back to that country to live, partly to see if things could work with him. I'm now living close to him.

As mentioned, he has a 5 year old who he has on the weekend overnight and a couple of times during the week.

Re. the time limit: the reason for it is: I am not sure if I want to have kids.

I've only ever been in long distance relationships and would like to be in a healthy relationship with someone to be able to make the decision of whether I want children. It's harder to make that decision in a vacuum when you're single. But I don't want to mess around for the next 4 years or so because it feels like this is a pivotal time fertility wise and I need to be smart about it.

I think I feel apprehensive because he ended things with his last girlfriend because she was 43 and pressuring him to have kids & commitment after 9 months together.

I do love him but a small part of me wondered if at 36 I'm better off finding someone who has no kids. I know that he moves slowly in relationships.

I need to have this conversation tomorrow and any tips or advice are welcome. I feel like I don't know what is "normal" because I haven't ever been in this position of wanting to commit to someone. I don't want to be too rigid but at the same time I don't want to waste my time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 13:40

@DancingCatGif

And the answer from most people is "yes".
Still don't think you've read the thread. There's only one person (a stepmum) who gave me an answer to that question.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 13:41

But thank you for your input anyway.

OP posts:
DancingCatGif · 24/08/2020 13:52

@Chocaholic9

Lol, maybe you should make a new thread and insist only step parents answer then

ladygracie · 24/08/2020 13:57

Yes I think it is soon. But it also seems very soon to even have that conversation as you’ve only been together for 6 weeks.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 14:00

@ladygracie

Yes I think it is soon. But it also seems very soon to even have that conversation as you’ve only been together for 6 weeks.
Thanks for your input.
OP posts:
Sakurami · 24/08/2020 14:04

No, moving in after 18 months isn't too soon but you've only seen him a few weeks so you don't really know him. He had a girlfriend after meeting you too. I think you should consider your relationship to be very early stages and see how it goes.

Melminiani · 24/08/2020 14:19

I echo what ladygracie has said. The 18 month timeline isn’t (or shouldn’t be) so much the issue right now, it’s the fact that you’re planning to have this conversation with him after being together only 6 weeks. That’s quite an intense conversation to have in what are still quite early days. I’ve been with my BF for 10 months and he has kids, so I understand how nice it might be to have some kind of road map (for want of a better word) but I would certainly give it some more time before you start asking him to commit to timelines. If you can, try and enjoy, and be present in, these early days and try not to focus so much on the future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/08/2020 15:53

I’m a step parent. 18 months is fine as long as within that time you’ve been meeting up and spending time with the child(ren) and it’s going well.

My main reservation for you is that if you think you might not want your own children then don’t be a step parent. Even being a very involved step parent doesn’t prepare you for being a parent. And if you do think you want to be a mum, do you want to do it with someone who’s done it before.

How much is it that you’re attracted to this man and can imagine a future with him and how much is it that you’re debating where or not your clock is ticking and he’s available at the moment?

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:00

OK thanks. Food for thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:04

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m a step parent. 18 months is fine as long as within that time you’ve been meeting up and spending time with the child(ren) and it’s going well.

My main reservation for you is that if you think you might not want your own children then don’t be a step parent. Even being a very involved step parent doesn’t prepare you for being a parent. And if you do think you want to be a mum, do you want to do it with someone who’s done it before.

How much is it that you’re attracted to this man and can imagine a future with him and how much is it that you’re debating where or not your clock is ticking and he’s available at the moment?

I'm attracted to him and want to know where the relationship goes. I was in another relationship while we were separated but I realised I was still in love with my now current guy (even though he was with someone else) so ended it.

My clock is ticking but I'm not sure how much of that is hormonal and how much is genuinely wanting kids. I'm very uncertain.

I think eventually they'll go to split custody (currently his ex does more of the childcare as she doesn't have a job) and he'll have weeks with his kid and weeks without him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:06

I hadn't thought about what it would be like to be a part time step parent because I've always enjoyed taking care of my nieces sometimes overnight and often for the whole day. I enjoy other peoples' kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:07

It is definitely something to consider though.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 24/08/2020 16:09

I’m a single parent and have also been a step parent. Being a step parent is bloody hard. I’d never do that again!

Being a parent is absolutely nothing line babysitting other people’s children.

Wanting to have this conversation after st. Weeks is a bit much, in my view, especially as he’s already given you his views, which are not promising in my book.

I personally wouldn’t move someone in with my dc and me at all now, and certainly not after 18 months.

In my view you’d be better to cut your losses with this man and get dating to find someone who feels the same as you.

HollowTalk · 24/08/2020 16:12

I'm sorry but I don't think he's that into you. If he was he wouldn't have let you go so easily. You wanted to be with him but he moved on and was in a relationship with someone else. Then miraculously at the end of that relationship, he's back in love with you. But now he's saying no to marriage, so not a full commitment. And he doesn't 100% want another child.

He sounds really flakey and not that into you. I'd give him a miss and move on.

rvby · 24/08/2020 16:21

I am a single parent of a little boy. My dp and I moved in together after knowing each other for three ish years. 18 months would not be enough time for me.

As I read your posts, my heart sinks a little because I detect you trying to hedge your bets and figure out some kind of formula that would make this relationship work out. Like you're looking for ways to "insure your investment" as it relates to this guy.

E.g. youre here asking what other parents think of a time-line... when in reality, only this man's opinion is what is important there.

The other side is... say he says "yep, sure, 18 months"... well, he's a stranger isnt he? He could very easily be lying to himself and/or to you. Even asking him is sort of pointless. The only thing you can do is either spend more time with him, or leave it. People take time to unfold, you can't fast forward that bit.

You don't want to "waste your time", but unfortunately relationships take time, and sometimes they don't work out. You can't avoid that.

My rule of thumb is, don't date anyone who, if the relationship fell apart, you'd feel had "wasted your time". Being with the person should be so easy and lovely that you just don't think like that.

I sense distant alarm sirens as I read your posts tbh

lyralalala · 24/08/2020 16:32

You can't possibly know after 6 weeks that you'd want to move in with someone in 18 months time so it would be a totally pointless question.

When I was single I also would have walked away from anyone who tried to set a timescale so early on. If you are planning on eventually living with someone with children then the schedule for that depends on how the relationship develops and on the child and what timeframe works with them.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:37

@HollowTalk

I'm sorry but I don't think he's that into you. If he was he wouldn't have let you go so easily. You wanted to be with him but he moved on and was in a relationship with someone else. Then miraculously at the end of that relationship, he's back in love with you. But now he's saying no to marriage, so not a full commitment. And he doesn't 100% want another child.

He sounds really flakey and not that into you. I'd give him a miss and move on.

He didn't "let me go". I left the country.

I know plenty of people who are committed but not married.

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 24/08/2020 16:40

You've only known each other six weeks. It's far too early to even THINK about having this conversation.

Why can't you just date and see what happens? if you're together and happy in eighteen months, then you could consider moving in together.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:41

@lyralalala

You can't possibly know after 6 weeks that you'd want to move in with someone in 18 months time so it would be a totally pointless question.

When I was single I also would have walked away from anyone who tried to set a timescale so early on. If you are planning on eventually living with someone with children then the schedule for that depends on how the relationship develops and on the child and what timeframe works with them.

I don't think it'd be a totally pointless question. I want to know if he envisioned many years living apart until his son is older, or what kind of timeline. I don't think that's unreasonable to get his thoughts on whether he has even considered it and if so, does he have thoughts on preferences. We haven't discussed timelines at all, we could be completely thinking different things. I'm not going to bring it up much later only to find we aren't on the same page.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:42

@vanillandhoney

You've only known each other six weeks. It's far too early to even THINK about having this conversation.

Why can't you just date and see what happens? if you're together and happy in eighteen months, then you could consider moving in together.

We've known each other & been in contact for about 2.5 years. Altogether we've spent about 6 weeks in person, most of it living together.
OP posts:
beautifulxdisasters · 24/08/2020 16:42

I think the issue is that you can't know 6 weeks in if moving in together in 18 months time is a good idea or not. It depends how things go with his child. It could be fine to do it sooner. It could take longer for things to be right.

You will find people on here who moved in after 3 months and people who don't live together after 10 years, for a variety of reasons. It's not a question anyone other than him can answer tbh.

Original poster
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 16:48

@rvby

I am a single parent of a little boy. My dp and I moved in together after knowing each other for three ish years. 18 months would not be enough time for me.

As I read your posts, my heart sinks a little because I detect you trying to hedge your bets and figure out some kind of formula that would make this relationship work out. Like you're looking for ways to "insure your investment" as it relates to this guy.

E.g. youre here asking what other parents think of a time-line... when in reality, only this man's opinion is what is important there.

The other side is... say he says "yep, sure, 18 months"... well, he's a stranger isnt he? He could very easily be lying to himself and/or to you. Even asking him is sort of pointless. The only thing you can do is either spend more time with him, or leave it. People take time to unfold, you can't fast forward that bit.

You don't want to "waste your time", but unfortunately relationships take time, and sometimes they don't work out. You can't avoid that.

My rule of thumb is, don't date anyone who, if the relationship fell apart, you'd feel had "wasted your time". Being with the person should be so easy and lovely that you just don't think like that.

I sense distant alarm sirens as I read your posts tbh

Interesting you say that:

My rule of thumb is, don't date anyone who, if the relationship fell apart, you'd feel had "wasted your time". Being with the person should be so easy and lovely that you just don't think like that.

Because I dated someone while me and my current guy were apart, and it felt like that - easy and lovely. Sadly I was just never in love with him like I am with current guy and couldn't muster up those feelings either. But I don't consider it time wasted, but it wasn't the right relationship for me either.

We've actually known each other for 2.5 years so he isn't a stranger to me.

OP posts:
gutentag1 · 24/08/2020 17:13

How is he a single parent if he only has the child a few nights a week?

SimonJT · 24/08/2020 17:13

There isn’t a single acceptable timescale, it depends on the individual situation.

We’ve moved in after a year, I had intended to hopefully move him in around September which would have been 18 months. Obviously it was dependent on how the relationship was working for all three of us, not just me and him. We ended up having to self isolate together for 14 days, his housemate has CF so I offered for him to stay for another week as there were no hotels obviously and most airbnbs weren’t available, those that were weren’t in places he could actually get to work. By that time he would be safe to move back to his own flat. I enjoyed having him here, but more importantly my son was okay, I did however continue to review it on a weekly basis. By week six I sat him and down and we had several indepth discussions on how to move forward, expectations etc.

You have to remember as the non-parent you will essentially be in second place, you will have to fit into their routine etc. It isn’t easy for the non-parent and you have to be very honest about what will actually work for you.

Theres nothing wrong with stating what you want in a relationship early on, I want to move in together, get married and hopefully go on to adopt together. This is something I express early on. I don’t however express that I want to do it with that person. I want those things in a relationship, I don’t however tell someone after a few weeks that I want to live with them, or marry them or have a child with them. Thats future faking.

SimonJT · 24/08/2020 17:15

@gutentag1

How is he a single parent if he only has the child a few nights a week?
So someone is no longer a single parent if their child has contact with the other parent?