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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mucky pics?

44 replies

Thesnowfellfast · 24/08/2020 12:01

My partner and I have been together for a year, but we have known each other as close friends for 10+.
We almost got together 8 years ago, but the timing was off and we ended up with other people. As the years passed we were both in a relationship when the other was single. And then last year we finally went on a date and properly hit it off. He's an amazing man who treats me right, which is nice for a change!
Anyway, this part is my issue and I know it so please don't lay into me too badly. My ex husband cheated on me for several months before I found out after suspicious phone behaviour. This has created slight trust issues with men and people in general.
I've been really trusting with DP so far, and feel like he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
A couple of weeks ago we were lying in bed relaxing before going to sleep. He was watching videos on his phone and I rolled over to go to sleep. I cant have been asleep long but a coughing fit woke me up and I opened my eyes to see him swiftly closing down his text messages.
I felt that creeping suspicion but tried to put it to the back on my mind as it was likely just my trust issues reading their ugly head.
He is always on his phone, its always on silent and face down. He does leave it in the room when he goes to the toilet but its password protected and has face recognition so there's no chance I could get in it.
I don't know what possessed me, but this morning he'd showered before me and left his phone in the bathroom. It was still unlocked. Its an iPhone and I don't really know how to work it but managed to find my way onto his pictures where he has several named folders full of photos of women he has been dating/sleeping with previously. Im talking photos of them in various states of undress, using toys, and even videos.
I know that he had a past before we got together, and I was even friends with some of his exes. But given that he's told me that I'm the love of his life, you'd have thought he would have gotten rid of those types of things out of respect for me? Why does he need to hang on to them? I feel like if he's using them for self gratification then its super disrespectful to me and feels a bit like cheating but I don't really know why.
I felt so sick at what I saw I just put his phone back how it was and carried on with the morning as usual. Now I cant stop thinking about it. I have deleted all photos of my long term ex. I have no contact with exes save for my children's father and that is not amicable at all.
I'm in the wrong for snooping but now I can't look at him and just feel so hurt 😞

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 12:13

He should have deleted them. You're right to be upset.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/08/2020 12:18

It's disrespectful to you and them tbh. If I sent a bf a video of me doing something, I wouldn't expect him to be wanking off to it 3 years later let alone with a new women. I think our would be a huge deal breaker for me.

At best, talk to him. He'll deny using them or say it's better than porn because they're not exploited etc. Tell him it's them or you, and make sure he deletes there and then AND empties the trash can. All how he things X would feel knowing he's still jerking off over her pictures? If he agrees and apologises there might be a future but honestly, I don't think I'd get over it

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 24/08/2020 12:58

Thing is I wouldn't be as bothered if it was generic porn. These are women that he works/worked with or is still friends on FB with. Makes me feel so awful. Thought I had finally found a good one 😔

OP posts:
ScabbyHorse · 24/08/2020 13:05

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

BowowMttt · 24/08/2020 13:17

I would honestly be horrified if I found that on DH’s phone. Not sure I could get past that but some people would. I think you need to discuss your boundary’s with things like this since he’s obviously on a different page. I know people on MN don’t like this but I’m much happier knowing DH’s passcode and he knows mine and we are happy using each other’s phones as and when we need to. Not in a controlling way, but in a relaxed way because neither of us have anything to hide.

TwentyViginti · 24/08/2020 13:28

He has porny pics and vids of his exes? Ugh.

You say he was swiftly closing down his text messages - do you think he has someone else?

SoulofanAggron · 24/08/2020 13:31

I wouldn't be happy with this either OP.

CrypticQueen · 24/08/2020 13:35

Sharing nudes is such a trust issue. I wonder if all those exes have asked/expected him to delete them once the relationship was over. I’d also hate an ex to be wanking over them years later. Sorry - not hugely helpful as to what you do now OP. I’d need the pics deleted and to know that DP is onboard with why, from yours and the exes’ POV.

Hiccupiscal · 24/08/2020 13:37

I'm usually very open on these things, but absolutely a deal breaker. Porn one thing, I would be shocked, disgusted and deverstated if I was you.
Especially the fact he may have been looking at them whilst lying next to you in bed.
Highly disrespectful and would make me question if I was enough (not saying youre not, im guessing its how I would feel)
I'm so sorry op. I found messages to an ex on a DPs phone once, nothing as bad as what you found, and i felt terrible. Its horrible when you think you've found a good one and then get a shock.

holatous · 24/08/2020 13:46

This is super weird, because they're not of the previous ex (wrong but could understand it). it's of many exes, meaning he accumulates them like some strange hobby?

The thing is I think this is a red herring, you saw him closing down texts and this shows you he is red flagging, but you haven't actually found what he was hiding.

I'd keep looking for that evidence as I think it'll give you the final push.

He's a creep.

TwentyViginti · 24/08/2020 13:52

it's of many exes, meaning he accumulates them like some strange hobby?

Wank bank trophies. They get shared around.

dontgobaconmyheart · 24/08/2020 13:56

He's a huge creep, OP. Sorry. Very sinister to keep hitsoric images of those women in gallery and a huge red flag.- how do you imagine they would feel if they knew? It reflects very poorly on his integrity and also on his views of women, he clearly doesn't respect them. Not to mention the fact he doesn't respect you either if he is getting off to their photos whilst next to you in bed.

I would be wary of anything he says, for all you know he says the same to all these other women to make them feel sufficiently special that they acquiesce sending this stuff to him. Ignore the nice things he says and focus on the pathetic things he does, which is what you really have.

Flowers sorry OP, it is always upsetting when someone turns out to not be who we thought, or who we hoped but you can't take back the evidence you've seen.

Isthisnothing · 24/08/2020 13:57

Oh op I had a sick feeling reading that. It's such a tough one - yes you were wrong to snoop and he could make an argument he's technically done nothing wrong (he will definitely say he forgot they were there) - but still you can't unsee what you've seen.

Look you've a few options.

  1. fess up, say you know it was wrong but you're so upset and feel betrayed. If he reacts calmly and deletes them will you be able to move on? There really is no point going down this road if you're going to remain angry no matter what he does.

  2. accept you can't accept it and dump him.

  3. engineer a conversation around to this topic (a thread on Mumsnet / friend dilemma / plot on TV) and then seize the opportunity to say you would feel utterly betrayed if a man did that. Then check in a while to see if he's deleted them.

  4. say nothing and see how you feel in a while.

My friend had a similar experience. In the end she said nothing as she couldn't face admitting to snooping. She lost respect for him though and they ended up breaking up.

Buggedandconfused · 24/08/2020 13:57

I found the same on my ex’s phone... loads of them from ex fuck buddies. Gave him another chance & then discovered he was on a sex site. I should have ended it when I found them. Nice men don’t have this kind of crap on their phones, it signals a particular kind of guy, and not a good one.

If I was in that position again I’d end it straight away.

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 24/08/2020 16:06

God I think I'm gonna be sick Sad

OP posts:
highlyunreasonable · 24/08/2020 16:17

Absolute deal breaker for me, I couldn't find him attractive again after that
It's just all a bit grim and creepy isn't it?

midwifeync · 24/08/2020 16:24

Did you look at his messages?

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 24/08/2020 16:35

I'm an android user so didn't have the faintest idea how to navigate to get to his messages or social media stuff. Wish I had done though

OP posts:
Rigamorph · 24/08/2020 17:34

Some men see pictures of exes as an equivalent to porn. Many, men (and women) will look at porn and feel no guilt, some look at porn and feel guilty.....some men will not see having their own porn collection as being unfaithful anymore than I do my fantasies about tom hardy insert current celebrity crush.
I am not saying it's right, not saying it's wrong but it's possible that you ARE the love of his life but he still has an occasional fantasy about another woman.
These women may or may not know he still has their pics, they might or might not care either way so long as they are for 'personal use only'.
I would be more concerned if he were texting someone, but you don't have any actual evidence of this, only him closing chat which does seem suspicious...
It depends on how much the historical pictures bother you (I am sure I still have some naughty ex pics somewhere but they are on an old PC not my current phone)....but otherwise I would wait and see if there is any evidence that he is up to anything in the present.

Titterofwit · 24/08/2020 17:47

Is it possible that he left his previously closely guarded phone purposely unlocked and available to you to look at ?

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 24/08/2020 17:51

I don't think so. He was rushing this morning and almost walked out of the door without it before realising he had put it down somewhere. He does leave it lying around but as I said before he's got face recognition and a long password that I don't know so I know he's not usually worried about me looking at it

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 24/08/2020 17:56

@Rigamorph

Some men see pictures of exes as an equivalent to porn. Many, men (and women) will look at porn and feel no guilt, some look at porn and feel guilty.....some men will not see having their own porn collection as being unfaithful anymore than I do my fantasies about tom hardy insert current celebrity crush. I am not saying it's right, not saying it's wrong but it's possible that you ARE the love of his life but he still has an occasional fantasy about another woman. These women may or may not know he still has their pics, they might or might not care either way so long as they are for 'personal use only'. I would be more concerned if he were texting someone, but you don't have any actual evidence of this, only him closing chat which does seem suspicious... It depends on how much the historical pictures bother you (I am sure I still have some naughty ex pics somewhere but they are on an old PC not my current phone)....but otherwise I would wait and see if there is any evidence that he is up to anything in the present.
It's still unethical in the extreme to wank over pictures of exes when you're in a relationship. It's unfair, both on the exes and your partner.
Rigamorph · 24/08/2020 18:12

The 'ethics' of sex and sexual relationships have been debated for centuries (since the beginning of time??) What one person deems unethical might be seen as reasonable to someone else.
It's up to the OP (and indeed anybody in a relationship) to decide where their own views lie and whether they are compatible with their partner.

Rigamorph · 24/08/2020 18:13

Is it unethical if I masturbate over Tom Hardy despite being in a relationship Grin

Rigamorph · 24/08/2020 18:15

(asking for a friend....)

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