mucky pics?

[Thesnowfellfast]

My partner and I have been together for a year, but we have known each other as close friends for 10+.
We almost got together 8 years ago, but the timing was off and we ended up with other people. As the years passed we were both in a relationship when the other was single. And then last year we finally went on a date and properly hit it off. He's an amazing man who treats me right, which is nice for a change!
Anyway, this part is my issue and I know it so please don't lay into me too badly. My ex husband cheated on me for several months before I found out after suspicious phone behaviour. This has created slight trust issues with men and people in general.
I've been really trusting with DP so far, and feel like he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.
A couple of weeks ago we were lying in bed relaxing before going to sleep. He was watching videos on his phone and I rolled over to go to sleep. I cant have been asleep long but a coughing fit woke me up and I opened my eyes to see him swiftly closing down his text messages.
I felt that creeping suspicion but tried to put it to the back on my mind as it was likely just my trust issues reading their ugly head.
He is always on his phone, its always on silent and face down. He does leave it in the room when he goes to the toilet but its password protected and has face recognition so there's no chance I could get in it.
I don't know what possessed me, but this morning he'd showered before me and left his phone in the bathroom. It was still unlocked. Its an iPhone and I don't really know how to work it but managed to find my way onto his pictures where he has several named folders full of photos of women he has been dating/sleeping with previously. Im talking photos of them in various states of undress, using toys, and even videos.
I know that he had a past before we got together, and I was even friends with some of his exes. But given that he's told me that I'm the love of his life, you'd have thought he would have gotten rid of those types of things out of respect for me? Why does he need to hang on to them? I feel like if he's using them for self gratification then its super disrespectful to me and feels a bit like cheating but I don't really know why.
I felt so sick at what I saw I just put his phone back how it was and carried on with the morning as usual. Now I cant stop thinking about it. I have deleted all photos of my long term ex. I have no contact with exes save for my children's father and that is not amicable at all.
I'm in the wrong for snooping but now I can't look at him and just feel so hurt 😞

Even if it's not cheating the guys still a bloody perv. Do you want to go out with a perv?

Any decent man in a new relationship would delete those pictures and videos out of respect for his exes and his partner not use them as a personal wank bank. Sicko

Deal breaker for me op this so disrespectful 🤢 I'd kick him to the curb x

@Rigamorph

The 'ethics' of sex and sexual relationships have been debated for centuries (since the beginning of time??) What one person deems unethical might be seen as reasonable to someone else. It's up to the OP (and indeed anybody in a relationship) to decide where their own views lie and whether they are compatible with their partner.

But you could say this about anything sexual related eg. is it ethical to sleep with my brother in law? Is it ethical to have an affair? Is it ethical to be into child porn?

Some things are black and white. He's keeping pics of exes to wank over, while in a relationship with someone else. In no universe is that OK unless both parties are poly and have already spoken about it and decide they're very relaxed about these things. And the exes have been contacted and have said yes it's fine to use my pics to wank over.

OP sounds very distressed, for a good reason.

Just presenting a different point of view.
Swinging, open relationships, flirting are all sexual subjects up for debate as to the ethics. Sexual images of adults exchanged historically between consenting adults are another. Also we don't know him, he may be very forgetful or he may be keeping them for blackmail purposes rather than masturbation
Obviously if the OP is uncomfortable she needs to discuss this with her partner.
But I am happy to be the single dissenting voice of open-mindedness on Mumsnet if need be.

Urgh @Rigamorph at the 'single voice of open-mindedness'.
Come on.
I don't think it's inherently wrong for people in relationships to fantasise/masturbate to people who aren't their partner, but keeping photos that were shared in the context of a relationship is a consent issue. And being blasé about consent isn't 'open mindedness'.
If he has multiple folders from multiple women I doubt they all cleared it with him that he could keep intimate photos of them from when they were in a sexual relationship labeled in his phone for whatever use he wanted. That's so fantastically unlikely.
I found a naked photo of someone who wasn't me on my husband's phone, I just showed him immediately and he apologised and deleted it immediately. It was from years ago. It was absolutely not a big deal to me so I don't think I'm some kind of pride, I understand intimate photos are shared in a certain context at the time.
I wouldn't be feeling inadequate or anything like that is I was the OP, but I would be absolutely disgusted at my DPs treatment of his exes, absolute lack of consideration and respect and violation of a boundary - a boundary that changes when you are no longer in a sexual relationship.
So that would be the deal-breaker for me personally. It's disgusting on behalf of his exes.

Yuk, this whole thread has made me feel a bit sick. So glad I am single!

I am amazed at the organisation of his pics - this takes some thought and is very deliberate. I am concerned ‘folders full’, as not all women do share such pics easily. I guess taking pics is what he likes to do - and (hopefully) they were as keen as he at the time. I would definitely make sure there is nothing for a folder named you. However, I think he is also hiding chats - whether sex site ones or normal affair potential type ones. Loads of red flags OP - gutting when they turn out to be sex weirdos and you had no idea, but that’s not your fault - I hope you move on quickly and head held high. Be kind to yourself.

It's not a betrayal of you that he's got those pics on his phone. You don't own his sexuality and he's allowed to enjoy whatever he wants to - unless you would like to be the thought police. Is he allowed to think about images that aren't of you? If so, pics aren't much different.

The ones he's betraying are his exes. When you split with someone, you delete your pics of them, or at least lock them away somewhere that only you have access to - that's basic decency. They're intimate images of someone that you no longer are intimate with so it's a bit of a trust/goodwill thing.

Try not to extrapolate his actions to be somehow "disrespectful" of you. How someone else expresses their sexuality isn't something you should claim as a token of how they "respect" you. It smacks of owning someone, rather than being their partner.

Fwiw, I would lose respect for my dp if I found such pics on his phone, because he knows I know his passwords and I would feel icky on behalf of the women whose pics he has basically "left lying around". I get where you're coming from on that side.

But I think there's something weirdly patriarchal/antifeminist to make it into a "he enjoys images of people that aren't me and that's somehow an assault on me/our relationship" thing tbh

@rvby

It's not a betrayal of you that he's got those pics on his phone. You don't own his sexuality and he's allowed to enjoy whatever he wants to - unless you would like to be the thought police. Is he allowed to think about images that aren't of you? If so, pics aren't much different.

The ones he's betraying are his exes. When you split with someone, you delete your pics of them, or at least lock them away somewhere that only you have access to - that's basic decency. They're intimate images of someone that you no longer are intimate with so it's a bit of a trust/goodwill thing.

Try not to extrapolate his actions to be somehow "disrespectful" of you. How someone else expresses their sexuality isn't something you should claim as a token of how they "respect" you. It smacks of owning someone, rather than being their partner.

Fwiw, I would lose respect for my dp if I found such pics on his phone, because he knows I know his passwords and I would feel icky on behalf of the women whose pics he has basically "left lying around". I get where you're coming from on that side.

But I think there's something weirdly patriarchal/antifeminist to make it into a "he enjoys images of people that aren't me and that's somehow an assault on me/our relationship" thing tbh

It's a consent issue. He's keeping photos of women when they have broken up. How is that anti-feminist to think that's wrong? You have very funny ethics.

Normal porn wouldn’t bother me but this would be a dealbreaker, I’m sorry OP. It’s the sort of thing my wanker ex used to do.

Look up videos on how to use iPhones OP so you are ready next time you have an opportunity. The texts are in the green message bubble app usually at the bottom. Familiarise yourself with Safari (the search engine) etc.

Would it open if you use a photo of him? Try and take a good close pic.

This all sounds very dodgy!

It's a consent issue. He's keeping photos of women when they have broken up. How is that anti-feminist to think that's wrong? You have very funny ethics. if you read my post, you'll see that I am saying that he's betraying his exes' trust - which I do think is totally unethical.

I agree it is a consent issue - for his exes. I'm sure they don't consent to some random woman being able to access intimate pictures of them. The fact that he has them all labelled and filed and ready for a stranger to find them on his phone is awful.

I don't agree that he's betraying his current partner by looking at images for his own enjoyment. That isn't the part that is unethical in my eyes. I think you'd only think it unethical if you felt that one partner's sexuality "belongs" to the other if they're in a relationship - which, if that's the case, is the part I think is weird patriarchal sexual control stuff

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me....... big warning signs!!!

Knowing someone and being in a relationship with them are two different things. If you knew he had a porn library of his Ex’s when you knew him, would you be going out with him now?

This isn’t going away, you need to talk to him about your boundaries.

I absolutely agree that the main issue is consent here.

You've been together a year, and have known each other for ten. Has he neve asked to film or photograph you?

I just find it very strange that several of his exes (how many has he had in the last nine years?) have agreed to participate in creating his own personal pornography.

Do they know these images exist?

So your trust issues with this bloke started with text message but you never looked at them and went straight for the photos ?
Hmm

I suspect he’s been a member of a sex/swinging site and these are women he’s met. It’s standard for people on the sites to share images & videos like this.

There's a lot of people on this thread saying that people should delete pictures as soon as they're out of a relationship.

I'm sorry, but if you're ever sent pics to a partner, then you're giving them permission to keep those photos for ever and ever and ever and look at them whenever they want and do whatever they want while looking at them for all eternity. If you think anything else, then you're fooling yourself.

In the eyes of the law, there is no consent issue unless he starts showing them around to other people. This guy has kept them on his password protected personal phone, on which he has a reasonable expectation of privacy, so I'd say he's in the clear there.

With regards to the OP, its up to you to decide if you don't want to be with someone who has photos of his ex'es. Although personally, I think you'd be hard pressed to find new boyfriend in this day and age who doesn't have a few nudies of an ex floating around somewhere, so you'd probably just find someone who is better at hiding them.

Full disclosure, as I know I'll get asked: I am a man.

Camera phones were in their infancy when I first got together with my current partner, as such the only naked photos I have are of her. She knows I have them, and if we split up and she asked me to delete them, I would.

If she didn't ask, then I'd assume she didn't care and probably keep them. Not that I'd be able to look at them anyway, because they're in a password protected folder that I forgot the password to the better part of a decade ago