Is it his age, me or something else?

[Abigflop]

Firstly I'm going to admit that sexually I'm inexperienced. I was with my husband from the age of 18 and had one short sexual relationship before him.Sex with my husband was great, we both orgasmed with penetrative sex, no problems apart from the occasional mismatch in libido due to pregnancy, babies, stress etc but this didn't cause any massive issues - we understood why and just worked through it.
Im 42, been single for 6 years but have now met a lovely man who is 53. We've been having sex for about a month and in that time he has only manage to orgasm inside me twice. It seems that as soon as he inside he just loses his erection. Everything is fine, working well with foreplay but as soon as we try penetrative sex he just loses his erection. He brushes it off, he's drank too much or he's too excited but I think he's a little embarrassed so I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I miss good sex.
I'm now getting a bit neurotic about it, is it me, am I too big for him etc etc.
Has anyone had to deal with this? Got any suggestions that helped them?

If it was you, if he didn't think you were sexy, it wouldn't work even during foreplay.
Its not uncommon, it's pretty normal in men to be able to sustain an erection, one of the reasons Viagra is so popular.
Have a Google for Erectile Dysfunction. Stress, tiredness, alcohol etc could be a cause but so can physical issues.

He should visit the doctors, though men are afraid of the doctors when it comes to cock and balls stuff.

Death grip? Had he been single a while?

It is always a psychological or physical problem on his side or a combination of both, it is never a lack of attraction to you or a problem with your body. It's very common in men of all ages especially in a new relationship and especially at his age or older.
How to solve it is another matter. Bona fide Viagra and its generics are now widely and cheaply available online if he is squeamish about a trip to the GP. Taking the pressure of and just playing might help.

I don't know why you're jumping to it being something wrong with you?! It's obvious surely that he's a man of a certain age with erectile issues?

If you like him enough, maybe talk gently about ways forward, whether viagra is a possibility or whatnot.

I agree he needs to see his GP. Erectile dysfunction can be an early warning sign of more widespread cardiovascular disease, including hypertension and ischaemic heart disease.
Once his health has been checked out, a prescription of a drug such as Cialis or Viagra may well solve the problem.
There is no need for him to be embarrassed- ED is very common in his age group.

Thank you everyone!
I was worried it might be me as I know I'm probably quite inexperienced having only 2 sexual partners before him and obviously my body is very different after having my children so I don't see myself as particularly sexy.
The foreplay is always great - it's just the main event when he loses his erection. I did mention last night about buying some toys for the bedroom and he seemed a little hurt and defensive and asked if he wasn't good/big enough for me. I said I just thought it would be a bit of fun. I then went to go home, we kissed goodbye and started getting turned on again and he immediately took me back to bed, saying let's try this again but after a few seconds of being inside me he just lost his erection again. He's been married, had 2 very LTR's and has been single for a year.
What is the Death Grip?

It’s early days in your sexual relationship it is more likely to be performance anxiety and after several failed attempts anxiety sets in. Perhaps you need to slow down a little or suggest an early morning ‘quicky’ when hormones are at a peak for men. Build up his confidence, try a bit of spontaneity.
I suspect that too much scrutiny at this stage in the relationship may well create even more pressure. Talk about what really turns him on, he may be too polite to tell you that something you do or don’t do kills the mood for him.
DH are emerging from the ‘children years’ ,when you take what you can get when you can, and are rediscovering our physical side. I had forgotten what really turns him on. It’s actually been a bit like revisiting those teenage years. Age definitely does help with sustaining an erection but you can resurrect it at half time!

*doesn't help with sustaining an erection

When he's in and loses his erection, get him to talk about something else - football, home decor etc. Distract his mind with mundane things and his body will remember what it was planning and get on with it.

Works.

Thanks Angrymum22 but we've tried the early morning quickies - same situation!
And he's not too polite to tell me what he likes and doesn't like - in fact it caused me a bit of performance anxiety because it felt like everytime I did something, he'd say he didn't like that so I felt a bit lost!!
But I think I will suggest stopping full sex and just concentrate on playing to see how that goes but I think he'll take it as an insult or get a bit defensive.
I'd hate to end the relationship over this, he's so lovely, treats me well but we just seem incompatible in bed!

And he's not too polite to tell me what he likes and doesn't like - in fact it caused me a bit of performance anxiety because it felt like everytime I did something, he'd say he didn't like that so I felt a bit lost!!

He doesn't sound all that nice. Are you sure he's worth the bother?

Get him some little blue pills.

Assuming you're using condoms, if he's not used them often before, the change of sensation can cause erection wilt. If this is the case (if he's hinted about having unprotected sex then it almost certainly is) then he needs to practise wanking with a condom on until he gets used to the sensation.

Death grip is when a man has spent a long time wanking and is used to masturbating with a very hard grip on himself. This can lead to oral and vaginal sex feeling "not enough". This can be overcome with practise - again masturbating but using a much softer grip, and having penetrative sex with no extra stimulation - and if he doesn't orgasm, then he doesn't orgasm. It's a frustrating process but it's worth doing. (I speak from experience as I went through the female equivalent - don't know what to call it - "buzz kill" perhaps? - and had to retrain my clit.

Look it's not your responsibility to solve his erectile disfunction. He knows it a problem, he should be doing something about it.

The red flag here is he is blaming you for him not being able to maintain an erection, you did something he didn't like, so it's you fault he can't stay hard. He also sulks when you mention toys because he feels slighted? He is not a "lovely" man, if he was he would talk to you openly about HIS problem and not blame you for it.

category12 - I'm not sure what you mean? Why is him telling me what he doesn't like sexually not worth the bother?
He's kind, funny, thoughtful - we just haven't clicked in bed!
Yet!!

That's not what I said. I said he didn't seem all that nice and maybe he's not worth the bother.

He's been critical of you and made you feel insecure and worried in bed - yet he brushes off droopy-dick and expects you to carry on regardless? That doesn't seem particularly nice to me.

Clicking in bed is one of the main differences between friend and boyfriend! I think you're selling yourself short here. You can do better

He can't be arsed to get his dick fail sorted out - but is keen to order you around in bed? Nah he's not a lovely bloke OP.

Don't settle for this please, you deserve someone capable willing and happy to glory in your body and your sexuality. Not this substandard bedroom.begaviour that's got you questioning yourself and blaming yourself.

I'm obviously not explaining myself very well!
The first time we had sex, he'd had a lot to drink, it was very spur of the moment but when he couldn't keep his erection I made my excuses and left as I felt that it was seeing my naked body that had caused it and felt a bit inadequate. When he messaged me, I explained how I felt and he immediately reassured me that he found me and my body very sexy and it was down to the drink. He didn't blame me at all. But because he is so nice I am worried that's he's just being polite and doesn't want to hurt my feelings and that maybe my stretch marks or my mumtum or that my vagina is too big/loose after having my children is affecting him
He doesn't order me around but tells me if he doesn't like something. So one time I started kissing his neck and he said oh don't do that I hate my neck being touched. Then it was something else and something else and although I know it's just a learning process, I just became nervous of touching him in case he doesn't like that either. But this is during foreplay - he has never blamed me for not maintaining his erection, he just says its because he's too turned on but that doesn't seem right?
He didn't sulk when I suggested the toys, he seemed genuinely upset and asked whether it was because he wasn't big enough - which it isn't - but I can see me suggesting it after him losing his erection again could seem critical although I did try to keep it lighthearted.
He tells me how sexy he finds me, how much he loves my company and how much he loves having me in his life but I can't get my head around our inability to have penetrative sex as it was so easy with my husband. And yes, I know he's not my husband, I knew we'd have to learn what each other likes - it's just hard when the foreplay is so good but the actual sex is so disappointing!

Give it a little while longer, it sounds like he has got some anxiety issues around himself, this is nothing to do with you. If after another few months it doesn't right itself then it may never get better. You may just be sexually incompatible. It happens. Not anyones fault. It just is what it is. Some men in their 50s suffer from ED and if he has been on his own for a while he may just feel out of practise. Just enjoy each others company with out sex if you can and get to know each other better outside the bedroom.

Why are you trying to sort him out? Trying to please him? Making allowances for him. Where is the passion? The pleasure? The fun? The growing loving delight? Where the joy growing in you fostered by being with someone who relishes you and your touch? I repeat, please don't settle for this milksop

This experience with him is making you doubt yourself.

Some of the comments on here!! Goodness me, it's only been a month!!! Poor bloke

Jesus Christ OP, of course he shouldn't blame you for losing his erection.

I'm not sure you should be sleeping with anyone with the body-hatred you have for yourself. No-one's forcing him to keep seeing you if he found you so disgusting. He's seeing you because he likes you and fancies you.