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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sad, feeling stuck. How do I get out of this?

42 replies

BingityBongity · 23/08/2020 22:16

I'm engaged to a man who is suffering with depression. I've been putting off making plans for getting married, because I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship any more.

He works very little, does hardly anything around the house (washes up once a week on average and takes the bins out) and usually sleeps from the early hours of the morning until around dinner time.

Unless I instigate physical contact, I don't think he would even touch me. Sex never happens and he seems to get annoyed when I try to cuddle him. More and more, I find myself actively feeling disgusted with him. (I can give examples if anyone thinks it's important!)

For the last four years or so, he hasn't contributed much financially, sometimes nothing at all, at most 1/4 of our monthly costs.

I don't know how to leave. I don't think he can afford to pay the household bills if I go. I currently cook and do all the cleaning, so no idea what state the place would get into without me here. I don't know where else he could go. He hasn't seen any friend for around 6 years.

Today has just hammered home how unhappy I am. He didn't come to bed until 6am, and is still in bed now, at 10pm. I've been alone all day and I'm fed up of feeling like shit.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2020 22:20

You really do have to leave. This is dreadfully unfair on you.

Has he had any help? Will he engage with support?

I think you should gradually develop an independent life and build up to breaking free. He can’t be your responsibility forever.

category12 · 24/08/2020 09:24

You're going to end up loathing him.

At the moment, you're enabling him more than anything. He's not making any progress - he doesn't have to, because you're his ever present safety net.

But he is an adult.

Does he have family he can go to/call on, if you did split up?

I would look to leave and make sure mental health services and/or family were aware when I went.

MrsOldma · 24/08/2020 09:29

What support does he get for his depression? How have you tried to support him?

I think you need to talk to him about how you’re feeling and explain that things have to change or you’re going to have to leave. If you haven’t told him how you feel you’ll resent him but he won’t understand why

Ragwort · 24/08/2020 09:33

Please leave, this is no life for you, I appreciate it isn't a good life for him either but it is not your responsibility to become his Carer.

Original poster

BingityBongity · 24/08/2020 09:37

Thank you for your replies. He knows that I’m unhappy and wish that he would keep normal hours, so we get to actually spend some time together. He also knows that I would like him to contribute to the household, financially and by cleaning. It all blew up before Covid and there was around a month where things got slightly better, then it all just lapsed again.

In the end, he stayed in bed for 23 and a half hours.

OP posts:

category12 · 24/08/2020 09:48

In the end, he stayed in bed for 23 and a half hours.

Which you're enabling.

I know it's not as simple as all that, and I am sympathetic to MH issues.

But the support/help you're giving isn't the kind he needs. If he's genuinely that bad, he needs professional help.

Original poster

BingityBongity · 24/08/2020 10:03

What do you think I should have done instead, @category12?

OP posts:

BoneAppleTeaa · 24/08/2020 10:09

I’m the one in my relationship with the low mood / depression / anxiety etc. Whilst I can be antisocial and have bad days, I still work full time, contribute to housework, spend time with family etc.

Hand on heart I say to end this relationship, you are not responsible for his wellbeing or whether or not he can cope without you. This is no life for you.

AnnaFour · 24/08/2020 13:21

Well you’re enabling it because you’re providing him with everything he needs to be able to stay in bed for 23 hours. He doesn’t have to clean a house, shop for food, go to work - because you do it all. Depression is no joke but is he getting any help for it at all? He’s staying up until 6am because he knows he has a safe place to sleep and food in the fridge when he surfaces. Does he even cook for himself?

category12 · 24/08/2020 13:35

What do you think I should have done instead,
Called in mental health crisis professionals? Left him to it?

You keep everything going. Which is huge and caring of you. But it can't go on like this, can it?

updownroundandround · 24/08/2020 14:27

Your sympathy will not help him get better.

His lying in bed for 23 1/2 hours will not help him get better.

You already see him as an anchor, dragging you down. This is not surprising considering he does nothing at all to either help you or to help himself.

You will grow to despise him. You already know you do not want to marry him, who would ?

If you are in a position to leave (taking your name off all bills/ rent agreement etc), then I'd advise doing so.

You really must make the preparations, and then leave.

I think it would be almost impossible to get him to leave (especially considering you never see each other and he has no incentive to leave his cushy number where YOU do all the work, finances, cleaning, cooking etc)

Maybe you leaving will be the incentive he needs to start trying to help himself, but maybe it won't.

If you can refer him to your local mental health team, do so, and advise them of what has been going on and how long it's been happening. Also tell them you needed to refer him as you are now leaving, and you have grave doubts about him being able to cope alone.
You need to be prepared to ask the police to do a welfare check after a couple of weeks of him being on his own (do NOT do it yourself) so that, if he is not coping, they can again refer him to a mental health team.

Mix56 · 24/08/2020 14:37

What does he do all night? video games?
Stop this now, go & live your life.

GlassOfProsecco · 24/08/2020 14:49

I would be planning to leave too; this is a half-life & you will end up exhausted & resentful.

He is not your problem to sort.

Concentrate on getting yourself out.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum, or trying to engage with him in any way. He is showing you who he is & what your life will be like if you stay with him.

Just leave, if you can.

HerrenaHarridan · 24/08/2020 15:07

Sure. Get married

Sounds like a right laugh

Hidingtonothing · 24/08/2020 15:12

What's your housing situation OP, rented, mortgage, in whose name? He needs professional help with his MH and even then he has to want to engage with it, you are (entirely understandably) completely out of your depth here, you can't help him.

PP's have it spot on, he doesn't have to change anything or seek help currently because you are there to do all the things he can't/won't. That won't change until you take away your support and, although it feels cruel, that's exactly what you need to do, for his sake and yours.

Don't allow guilt to be part of this, you are enabling this situation to continue and that's doing him no favours, it's just delaying him getting the help he needs to start to get well. Try to cement that view of things in your mind and focus on finding a practical way to separate, it's what you both need even if he can't see it yet.

username501 · 24/08/2020 15:15

What's the situation with the house OP? Jointly owned or rented? If rented, I would plan to leave once the tenancy is up. He's a grown man so can sort something out in that time for himself.

Original poster

BingityBongity · 24/08/2020 15:20

Thank you, everyone. He does take ADs, but also drinks a lot so I think that affects the drug’s effectiveness.

We are both on the mortgage, all shared 50/50. I can’t just move out, can I? He could possibly go to his parents, but can’t see him choosing to move out himself.

OP posts:

c24680 · 24/08/2020 15:20

I think you need to leave and I think you know this too.

He will manage the bills and life without and you will learn to live without him too, sure it'll be hard at first but you'll get through it!

c24680 · 24/08/2020 15:21

In regards to the mortgage my friend just left her husband and he remortgaged to buy her out and if your partner can't do that then you must sell the house and spilt the equity, someone can live it in while it sells.

username501 · 24/08/2020 15:30

OP who cares what he does?! Put the house up for sale and rent it out in the meantime or see if you can buy him out.

Mix56 · 24/08/2020 15:38

He doesn't have an income, he can't afford the mortgage,
I would tell him time is up, You are out of this relationship. You will have to sell the house (unless you can buy him out?) & both go your own ways.
He will use all sorts of guilt tripping, he has depression, .... Your reply is I am not your carer. Too little too late.
You have been asking for input, & are supporting him.
Stop it now

katy1213 · 24/08/2020 15:43

That's awful, you can't live like that. Put the house up for sale and take your share and let him do what the fuck he wants. Don't feel guilt or responsibility. He can sponge off his parents if they'll have him. If he can't pay his bills, maybe that will focus his mind on getting up in the morning and getting a job. Walk away and don't look back. Don't bother with discussions or second chances; your life is ticking away while you pander to him.

cptartapp · 24/08/2020 16:00

If you think you will ever want children, then get out ASAP. Ask yourself if this is the man in all the world you would choose as role model and father to your DC.
Any further time with him is time wasted otherwise.

Original poster

BingityBongity · 24/08/2020 16:15

He does work a little bit, from home, maybe 2-3 days a month. He had a flat on his own before we bought together, but sometimes needed to borrow money from me to pay his mortgage back then, even when he was working 3 or 4 days a week. His earnings seem to be spent on wine, tobacco/ vape stuff and parts for his PC.

I can see how he is only able to act in this way because he has me as a safety net. I've been struggling with blaming myself for it and wondering what else I can do to make things better, but it must be that all my efforts are just making things worse.

Thanks everyone for your blunt honesty.

OP posts:

Nicolastuffedone · 24/08/2020 16:24

So how does he access food/drink when he’s in bed for 23+ hours?

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