Sad, feeling stuck. How do I get out of this?

[BingityBongity]

I'm engaged to a man who is suffering with depression. I've been putting off making plans for getting married, because I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship any more.

He works very little, does hardly anything around the house (washes up once a week on average and takes the bins out) and usually sleeps from the early hours of the morning until around dinner time.

Unless I instigate physical contact, I don't think he would even touch me. Sex never happens and he seems to get annoyed when I try to cuddle him. More and more, I find myself actively feeling disgusted with him. (I can give examples if anyone thinks it's important!)

For the last four years or so, he hasn't contributed much financially, sometimes nothing at all, at most 1/4 of our monthly costs.

I don't know how to leave. I don't think he can afford to pay the household bills if I go. I currently cook and do all the cleaning, so no idea what state the place would get into without me here. I don't know where else he could go. He hasn't seen any friend for around 6 years.

Today has just hammered home how unhappy I am. He didn't come to bed until 6am, and is still in bed now, at 10pm. I've been alone all day and I'm fed up of feeling like shit.

[FinallyHere]

I don't think he can afford to pay the household bills if I go

Maybe it will help you to see it written out, by a stranger on the internet, that this is no.reason.at.all to stay.

This, fed up of feeling like shit, this is your reason to go. Just make your plans and go. Not that it matters, but it could easily be the jolt he requires to get himself sorted out. You have both got into an unhappy place, no blame but it really is time to get out.

all my efforts are just making things worse.

I'm afraid so. ^

Make your own plans, tell him and just be glad you don't have the complications of DC. There might be some unpleasantness but then you will be free. Then don't look back and enjoy the rest of your life.

All the best.

[Sally2791]

Divide everything up and leave, you do not have to support his lifestyle. He is responsible for his own issues, if he chooses not to deal with them, so be it. Don’t get sucked in by promises that he’ll change- he won’t!

[nubeejinnings]

Please walk away. He's making no effort to try and recover. Split everything 50/50 and then you can walk away knowing you did the right thing.

Expect him to suddenly improve his behaviour when you suggest a split, this will prove he is choosing to live like this and he can change but isn't motivated to.

[ihatethecold]

You’ve become his parent/Carer.
Not healthy for either of you.
Great advice on here to look at how to split the house and get yourself out of this relationship

[AlwaysCheddar]

Leave the loser!

[BingityBongity]

Thank you, @Mix56 ❤️ He paid the majority of the deposit, and I paid part of the deposit and moving costs, estate agent fees and furniture and appliances we needed, as I had money saved and could access it. That worked out fairly even between us. CAB is a good shout.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I was worried people would think I was selfish and heartless.

[Mix56]

You said he had a place before? Did he enter in with more down payment. ? as far as I know If you have proof of payment for renovations, that will be balanced out
Esp if the rest is 50/50 for bills, rates etc
Get an aptmt with CAB....

[BingityBongity]

@Mix56, we both have personal bank accounts, and share a joint one too. All our shared outgoings come out of the joint account, and each month I can see how much I have paid in, and whether/ how much he has.

If we were to split and sell, though, should it be 50/50, or should I get more money because I’ve paid more in? What about things like the work done to the house (new windows, new boiler, new bathroom) which I paid for myself?

[Hidingtonothing]

You need legal advice about the house OP, I think there's probably ways he could make it awkward and delay selling but he couldn't actually stop you in the end. Let's hope it doesn't come to that anyway, seeing a solicitor and finding out where you stand is your first step and then see where you go from there. You'll feel stronger and more sure about things for doing it as well I think, it will show you there is a way out and let you start planning your route

[Mix56]

He cannot refuse to sell, you might have to take him to court, but ultimately a % is yours.
Do you have records of when your were subbing him ?

[category12]

No wonder you're at the point of leaving. He's massively taking the piss, really.

I'd get some legal advice about the house so you know where you stand.

[BingityBongity]

@category12, I'm not really sure. Reading, pissing around on the internet, watching films, playing computer games, I think.

@HollowTalk, yes, the arrears on the mortgage is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me just walking out of here. I could afford to stay here, but would need to remortgage to buy him out. I'm not really attached to the house so I think I'd prefer to sell up and move on.

@Inaseagull, can he just refuse to sell???

[Inaseagull]

His MH does not trump your happiness. Maybe consider laying it all out for him. You are not happy, want to split and sell house. Then deal with any fall out. He may need more help from the GP and you may need to get legal advice on selling if he doesn't consent. The current situation is untenable.

[HollowTalk]

Oh god, I couldn't live with that. My XH suffered badly from depression and it's soul destroying living with it.

Can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own or would you prefer to sell up?

The last thing you want is to move out, stay on the mortgage, and then find the mortgage has gone into arrears.

[category12]

What is he doing at night?

[BingityBongity]

@Nicolastuffedone, he got up twice in that time to go to the loo and filled his glass up in the bathroom. He didn't eat.

The 'normal' routine is up around 6pm-ish, he has some cereal. I cook the evening meal for 7.30 (which is at late as I can bear when I've been at work all day) and he buys discounted sandwiches or snack food to eat when I'm asleep. He normally goes to bed between 5am and 8am.

[Nicolastuffedone]

So how does he access food/drink when he’s in bed for 23+ hours?

[BingityBongity]

He does work a little bit, from home, maybe 2-3 days a month. He had a flat on his own before we bought together, but sometimes needed to borrow money from me to pay his mortgage back then, even when he was working 3 or 4 days a week. His earnings seem to be spent on wine, tobacco/ vape stuff and parts for his PC.

I can see how he is only able to act in this way because he has me as a safety net. I've been struggling with blaming myself for it and wondering what else I can do to make things better, but it must be that all my efforts are just making things worse.

Thanks everyone for your blunt honesty.

[cptartapp]

If you think you will ever want children, then get out ASAP. Ask yourself if this is the man in all the world you would choose as role model and father to your DC.
Any further time with him is time wasted otherwise.

[katy1213]

That's awful, you can't live like that. Put the house up for sale and take your share and let him do what the fuck he wants. Don't feel guilt or responsibility. He can sponge off his parents if they'll have him. If he can't pay his bills, maybe that will focus his mind on getting up in the morning and getting a job. Walk away and don't look back. Don't bother with discussions or second chances; your life is ticking away while you pander to him.

[Mix56]

He doesn't have an income, he can't afford the mortgage,
I would tell him time is up, You are out of this relationship. You will have to sell the house (unless you can buy him out?) & both go your own ways.
He will use all sorts of guilt tripping, he has depression, .... Your reply is I am not your carer. Too little too late.
You have been asking for input, & are supporting him.
Stop it now

[username501]

OP who cares what he does?! Put the house up for sale and rent it out in the meantime or see if you can buy him out.

[c24680]

In regards to the mortgage my friend just left her husband and he remortgaged to buy her out and if your partner can't do that then you must sell the house and spilt the equity, someone can live it in while it sells.

[c24680]

I think you need to leave and I think you know this too.

He will manage the bills and life without and you will learn to live without him too, sure it'll be hard at first but you'll get through it!