It's not worth dating, especially when you are a LP.

[MeatballSpaghetti]

It's just not. OLD and IRL.

Too many creeps. Too many men wanting you to fit in with their lifestyle/hobbies and lose your sense of self. Too many men wanting a wifey and a warm bed. Too many men obsessed with PornHub/selfish lovers. Too many men thinking you are after a replacement father. Too many men thinking you're desperate and lonely. Too many men initimated because you are more successful than them. Too many men thinking you are damaged goods. Too many men who are narcs/abusers. Too many men not realising you have DC to care for and are unappreciative of the time you allocate them. Too many men 'crumbing' and 'ghosting' /lacking integrity.

The list goes on....

If I've missed anything out, please share.

This is not to say there are not any nice men out there. Dating just seems like too much hard work. And might I add, I've done a lot of work on myself. So not for one minute do I feel I'm sorely lacking as a potential partner. Am happy to remain single for the forseeable.

Yup.

I'd say 2/3s are creepy af or narcissists or only looking for their leg over. Let's face it, the later is the best of the bunch. The other two....shudders.

Then most of the third that's left either just arent right for you or aren't interested.

Fun times.
I'm staying in my hermit cave xD

Op, i personally feel the best way to meet people when a single mum , is by getting to know them first, personally and over time. By that i mean through hobbies, friends of friends, work colleagues and /or their friends. Kind of social circles , work circles and on going personal interactions. Letting people meet you causally first and under no romantic pressure and then get to know you. Not sure how old your Dc's are but if they are young and you have no support you may have to accept that romantic relationships need to be put on hold for now. If they are older and /or you do get some time to yourself would you consider joining a local group, help out in your community / anything to get you out and about and mixing with people?

I personally have never used on line dating- too afraid. When my children were young i put romance on the back burner. But, as when i was younger , i have met people through work and hobbies and attending things. I find it is more genuine as you build up a friendship/relationship first over time.

Meeting genuine people takes time, relationships need to build , this is why i have never used apps or sites. I just don't feel online people will ever be invested in me enough as those i meet and see in everyday life and know me and grow to value me.

@Bunnymumy I agree with your partitioning of single men. I've made the decision to socialise more, but won't be dating.

@KatherineofTarragon That is exactly my thinking. My intention is/was to build a friendship with the view of establishing a relationship, but only if there's 50/50 effort, real suitability, attraction, etc. I'm not after a whirlwind romance.

My DC are not little but they're not at the age where I can prioritise dating. That said, I do feel I need to socialise and get out and about more. When the threat of Covid further subsides, I'll be able to. I do have some outside help and have hobbies (though not ones men are generally interested in). And much prefer time spent/invested in the real world. I agree with your views on online dating.

Yep. I'm a co-parenting bloke and can concurr from my end also:

Too many women wanting you to fit in with their lifestyle/hobbies and lose your sense of self. Too many women just wanting an ego boost and to be treated like a princess. Too many women obsessed with romantic fiction/selfish lovers. Too many women thinking you are after a replacement mother. Too many women thinking you're desperate and lonely. Too many women initimated because you are more successful than them. Too many women thinking you are damaged goods. Too woman who are narcs/abusers. Too many women not realising you have DC to care for and are unappreciative of the time you allocate them. Too womany men 'crumbing' and 'ghosting' /lacking integrity.

The list goes on....

Seriously though, I agree with @KatherineofTarragon. OLD either seems to a) attract these kind of people or b) reduces something that should be a growing sense of attraction and intimacy into an exercise in online shopping which brings out the worst in everyone. I live in a fairly rural area, unfortunately, so not many options to meet others IRL, but you never know, one day...

I've always wondered if a rural area might not be better somehow.

Because in the city, everyone is always looking for the 'bigger, better'. Not to 'settle down' as it were.

Then again I guess it's the same proportion of prats anywhere really...maybe just a smaller pool of them xD

@TossACoinToYerWitcher

That's interesting. I'm sure there are women who are like this too. I can only speak from my own experiences as a woman. Like I said, I am sure there are nice men out there, though dating seems hardly worth it when you weigh up the effort of dating to the number of people who turn out to be unsuitable partners.

I'm not after perfection, being pampered like a princess or using men as a an ego boost. I went through years with my ex of being treated like a doormat (which I won't go into on here) denied intimacy, parenting entirely on my own. All the while I treated him with respect. I was really at the bottom of the scrap heap before I decided to leave him. So for me I don't think wanting 50/50 in a partnership is an unreasonable standard to set. I'm my own best friend. I am proud of how far I've come in the last few years and that is why I won't be settling and I won't be dating.

It's not unrealistic either. As you have said yourself you are a decent, co-parenting bloke. There must be more of you. I haven't given up on men completely, though for now dating does not seem worth it.

Youve absolutely hit the nail on the head meatballspaghetti. Its a minefield dating online and irl being a single parent. We are human and have feelings too at the end of the day

@Bunnymumy There are prats everywhere. IMO.

This is so depressing! Is it really that bad? I have just decided I'm ready to dip my toe into the dating world again and downloaded tinder the other night.
I'm 39 and a single mum and the threads I read on hear about not bothering as it's a waste of time are putting me off and making me feel I will never never meet anyone

@GetTheDoorFrank

@scotsllb Unfortunately it seems that way. Unless you want to settle for less than your worth. My worth = 50/50.

I’d have to disagree. I met my DP online as a lone parent of 2 young DC. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had, due to be married next year.

OLD either seems to a) attract these kind of people or b) reduces something that should be a growing sense of attraction and intimacy into an exercise in online shopping which brings out the worst in everyone.

@TossACoinToYerWitcher If there's good communication and effort from both sides, attraction and intimacy can potentially grow IRL. I'm also not sure about it attracting these kinds of people, more the fact that most 30+ year olds on dating apps will have already had a fair amount of relationship experience, therefore that will project in some way on to future dates and relationships.

@Heartbroken21 Was there effort and communication from both sides to 'grow intimacy and attraction' ?

All of this applies if you’re not a parent too. Dating - online and offline tbh - has only ever been one big disappointment, letdown after letdown, and a few abusive ones too.

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie

@MeatballSpaghetti yes there was. It was mutual from the start and easy compared to my previous relationships.

I agree with the op. I had quit old when dp messaged me. I showed a colleague who is a close friend and she said 'he does x profession he will have a dbs check give him a go'. Now I have a lovely dp who is an excellent step parent.

The years between 2012 and 2019 though jesus the freaks out there!

I was in my mid 40's when I started dating again and I actively avoided any men with children who were under 18 or so (the children under 18 not the men!)

I had my children when I was young so by the time I divorced they were adults and I had no desire to go back to fitting my life around school holidays, pretending I was interested in "little Alfie's" budding football career or "Poppy's" ballet recital" or seeing someone every other weekend. I have never found anyone else's children in the least interesting and wouldn't inflict my apathy on them, it wouldn't be fair so it was easier just to avoid men with children.

I presume a lot of men feel the same way. I wanted someone to enhance my life not radically change it and children always radically change your life.

I’m in a rural area and can confirm that it’s exactly the same BUT less people AND full of local farmers who crack on despite being married to someone you know. Layer onto that everyone knowing your business and asking and it’s lots of fun

I’m sort of seeing someone at the moment but he’s blotted his copy book today and a I really CBA. I won’t be going back online again, I’m going to take up shooting, marry a lord, be ridiculously rich, get divorced and then just have a string of toy boys to carry my diamonds across my private beach.

Or something Like that.

@Settleandcalm That sounds way more realistic.

@nevernotstruggling 7 years of dodging freaks. I rest my case. It's not worth dating.

@achillesratty I wouldn't mind being a step parent. Not a replacement parent though.

It is bloody hard! I've dated on and off for the last 7 years (God that's hideous to see written down ). I've had my fair share of absolute loons but even when I've met men who do tick boxes and have gone on to have relationships with them, making them work long term is incredibly difficult with children involved. It's hard enough making relationships work when there are just two adults involved;throw some children into the mix and it just seems an impossible task 😬

I am seeing someone at the moment but it's very much an "enjoying each others' company when we're child free" type of relationship (albeit we have met each others' children on occasion). I can't imagine ever living with a man and doing the full on blended family thing until after my dcs (and theirs!) have left home

Totally agree, OP. See how you weren't able to say that without a man coming along and twisting your words into something that benefited him? The good thing about that though is your points have been well proven.

@ED47 That set up sounds good. I wouldn't want to rush into a blended family type thing. Too much at risk.

@DandyMandy I'm not surprised a man had to chip in. Thing is, he has no idea of where I'm coming from. Maybe I hit a raw nerve?

@MeatballSpaghetti - largely I agree.