Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is it OK to ask partner to lose weight?

73 replies

HappyMum1234 · 23/08/2020 12:21

My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. His weight has been 100kg 1.7+m since day 1. But he mentioned he will cut down. Currently his weight is about 110kg

I know that some said that it is not right to request partner to lose weight.. But I am always hoping that it will one day happen, for his health.. And i always feel that no matter male or female.. I always think it's our responsibility, sweet and romantic to maintain our health and looks for ourselves, our partner and kids

I have been saying for years that my best birthday present would be his weight at 90+kg.
But this does not really give any motivation..

Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I not be concerned with his weight?

OP posts:

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 22:05

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

Doesn't everyone know their partner's weight? I have never weighed my DH, but I do know what he weighs, give or take a few kilos (he's c. 70kg), in the same way that I know how tall he is. There's no difficult memorizing required.

No. We don't even own a scale. We never have. I've used them at the gym, but that's about it.

But weight does crop up from time to time in my experience. We were adjusting the suspension on DH's MTB forks recently (I do all the bike maintenance in our house), and the level of air pressure needed is linked on the weight of the rider. Similarly, when choosing skis and setting the binding settings. Those are specific examples, but I genuinely don't see why it is such a bad thing to know your partner's weight?

As a society we need to remove the taboo from conversations about weight. It shouldn't be a source of judgement or shame, or something to hide.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:06

Makes no difference, Am. She knew what he was like when she married him. It's like people who marry a smoker and then whine when they won't quit. She's tried all sorts of ways to approach this, the 'lose 20kgs for my birthday present' being the last, he isn't having it. So you have to leave him alone. He's an adult. He knows he's overweight. It's his decision.

My husband smokes. I knew that when I married him. I smoked then, too. He knows it's bad for him. When he wants to quit, he will, but it would be beyond bitchy of me to keep in at manipulating him to stop and it won't work, either.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:08

But weight does crop up from time to time in my experience.

That's your experience. Mine's different. I know a lot of people who don't know this about your partner.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2020 22:10

But weight does crop up from time to time in my experience.

In nearly fourteen years of knowing my husband, I don’t think he’s ever told me what he weighs.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 22:15

Our partners know all kinds of things about us. I know where DH's moles are, the noises he makes in his sleep.

I don't see why knowing what someone close to you weighs would be such a taboo. It's a matter of fact, like eye colour. I would no more want DH to pretend he doesn't know what I weigh than for him to pretend he doesn't know how tall I am.

But anyway, the OP has admitted that the 'birthday present' approach was misguided. If she is concerned for his health she will need to take a different approach. I do think an honest conversation is needed - nobody wants to watch their partner shorten their life.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2020 22:17

I have no problem with dh knowing what I weigh, or me knowing what he weighs. It’s just never come up in conversation. I know he’s healthy because I can see what he looks like!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/08/2020 22:18

We’ll agree to disagree, InDeo! I’ve changed a lot for my partner and he has for me in many ways. It works for us.

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 22:24

@PurpleDaisies

I have no problem with dh knowing what I weigh, or me knowing what he weighs. It’s just never come up in conversation. I know he’s healthy because I can see what he looks like!

In which case, assuming you know his height, you would be able to estimate his weight to within 5 kg or so.

People change over time, so I don't it's valid to say "he was overweight when you got together so you have no right to raise concerns". Also, his weight has increased - he's now obese and that will be having health effects.

When I got together with DH we were young, we drank like fish, ate unhealthily, smoked, and frequently took illegal drugs. Many years later, we have different (healthier) lifestyles. If he had carried on like a 20 yr old into his 30s and beyond, damn straight I'd have raised it with him.

TheMarzipanDildo · 23/08/2020 22:24

It’s not healthy no but this:

“I have been saying for years that my best birthday present would be his weight at 90+kg.
But this does not really give any motivation..“

is not going to help. He needs to decide, alone, that he is going to loose weight. Otherwise you will just fuck with his mental health.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2020 22:30

In which case, assuming you know his height, you would be able to estimate his weight to within 5 kg or so.

Why would I need to do that?

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:31

@AmICrazyorWhat2

We’ll agree to disagree, InDeo! I’ve changed a lot for my partner and he has for me in many ways. It works for us.

Because you wanted to. He's told her he's happy as he is.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 22:33

He put on 1.5st in 10 years! If this were a man posting about his wife like this, he'd have been fucking roasted.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/08/2020 22:47

Op I feel for you.

I am a bit overweight. My partner is a bit overweight. A fair bit. Not vastly obese but we don't look anywhere near our best. We need to lose weight for our health and how we look. We are both conscious of this.

We were not when we met five years ago but five years of being comfortable and takeaway and meals out, drinks out etc and not exercising enough has caused this.

I don't like it but it does make me fancy him less. I feel less comfortable in my own body. I feel unhealthy and unattractive.

I want us both to lose weight to be what we were five years ago or thereabouts.

The unhealthieness of us both and how we are now just turns me off.

We are now making changes to our lifestyle to rectify this.

I love him with all my heart but the sex has slipped a lot because of this. I'm just not attached to him (I still love And am in love with him) but I feel bad about myself and him but that's how I feel.

We still are intimate but it's not like it was and I get that the first flush of desire can wear off but now it just feels like comfort sex and there is no desire.

That sounds awful but it's how I feel.

Wearywithteens · 23/08/2020 22:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TenDays · 23/08/2020 22:53

He will realise for himself that his weight is holding him back. In fact he must know already.

I'd leave him to it and let him make the decision himself. Middle aged men usually get into exercise/diet/grooming spontaneously and the results can be great.

If he suggests you both join a gym or taking up running or cycling or whatever you might consider taking him up on it, or he may meet some gym bunny airhead and run off with her!

Gyms are full of mirrors. Seeing yourself becoming thinner and more muscular every week can have a powerful effect on the self-image.

Source: worked in gyms.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/08/2020 22:57

It doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things but it depends on the person surely and the situation.

Putting on a few stone, ok probably not a problem for most people.

But if it is a problem for someone then it's a problem. It's not great but people have different reasons for being turned off or not finding someone attractive or for falling out of love with someone.

If this is someone's reason then it's as valid as any reason for that person.

londonscalling · 23/08/2020 23:12

When I met my husband we discussed what we found attractive in others. He was honest and, rightly or wrongly, told me he isn't attracted to overweight women. When we met I was incredibly slim. It's now over 25 years on and recently I was nearly five stone heavier. He knows that I hate being overweight and I'm currently on a diet (I've lost about a stone and a half so far). My point is that he hasn't said anything about my weight, but he will encourage me to lose weight if that's what I want to do! By commenting on you husband's weight you are just running the risk of making him depressed which could make him eat more!

nancybotwinbloom · 23/08/2020 23:17

But if it's a problem for her it's a problem.

Rightly or wrongly. Reasonable or unreasonable it's an issue for the op.

I think she is right to tell him how she feels (tactfully) bit he is also well within his rights to say fuck off and don't be so shallow.

The op then has to decide how important it is to her.

nancybotwinbloom · 23/08/2020 23:23

There were a lot of issues with my ex h.

Gambling, staying out for days on end etc etc etc.

However, after I'd had our DD, I did put on some weight. At first he tactfully said we should go they gym, after a few months he said he didn't find me attractive and we split up. I was happy at my new size. Previously a 12, then a 14/16.

He should of been more upfront and honest tactfully I'd of either lost a bit of weight or fucked him off.

(He was a dick anyway for various other reasons) but he was ultimately honest. He didn't fancy me. .

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/08/2020 00:05

@Wearywithteens. I know what you’re saying, both DH and I are saggier, greyer, older and weigh more than when we met over 20 years ago. 🤣

But, I personally ( and this is just my opinion) think it’s different when a partner is doing something that’s clearly going to affect their health. Being morbidly obese is different to gaining a few extra pounds, but still a reasonably healthy weight. It’s dangerous. My DH has been advised to lose some weight by his doctor-he’s overweight, not obese-and I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut if he continued to gain weight, because I’d be so worried. Luckily my DH does want to lose it.

Anyway, I hope your DH decides to get healthier for himself and for your sake, OP.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/08/2020 00:06

Duh, obviously we’re older after 20 years, we wouldn’t be getting younger. No idea why I typed that. 😂

Stillseparatedat41 · 24/08/2020 02:01

OP, I get you! I think your approach is far too direct and sadly it ain’t gonna work but gosh a BMI of almost 40 puts him at greater risk of loads of death-causing disease. Yes I know - we could get hit by a bus tonight yada yada but it doesn’t mean I’ll wander the motorway on foot in a black coat tonight!

Topseyt · 24/08/2020 03:56

@missmouse101

So you think by simply asking your partner to lose weight, it'll magically happen? My god, if only it were that easy. You are being cruel and naive. Everyone who is overweight is well aware of it and most overweight people would love to manage to lose some. There are many, many reasons why it is so very difficult. People who think you can just tell them they're overweight and they'll go off and instantly change, are at best thick and at worst utterly cruel.

This is absolutely true.

The reasons why someone is overweight can be many and varied. Most of us know we have a problem and many regularly make efforts to control it but it is very far from the simple matter that some people seem to think it is.

I am overweight. Medical issues have contributed to it too so that doesn't help. If anyone had told me to lose weight as a birthday present for them I would have dumped them as a friend.

Flip

1 2 3