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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it OK to ask partner to lose weight?

73 replies

HappyMum1234 · 23/08/2020 12:21

My partner and I have been together for more than 10 years. His weight has been 100kg 1.7+m since day 1. But he mentioned he will cut down. Currently his weight is about 110kg

I know that some said that it is not right to request partner to lose weight.. But I am always hoping that it will one day happen, for his health.. And i always feel that no matter male or female.. I always think it's our responsibility, sweet and romantic to maintain our health and looks for ourselves, our partner and kids

I have been saying for years that my best birthday present would be his weight at 90+kg.
But this does not really give any motivation..

Am I doing the wrong thing? Should I not be concerned with his weight?

OP posts:

yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 13:35

I would love my partner what ever size he was but I know not everyone is like this . If it is really bothering you I would have a heart to heart not at it as a birthday wish . If my partner said that to me I would be dying inside x

yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 13:36

@Janaih

I'm wondering if you are my brothers partner 🤔

😂😂😂😂😂

MJMG2015 · 23/08/2020 15:23

[quote MikeUniformMike]@MJMG2015, he is about 5.5 st overweight. He will be carrying the weight of an average 10 year old around with him the whole time.[/quote]
...and?

Why do you think that gives you the right to call him names?

AnotherLanguage · 23/08/2020 16:03

I think your statement regarding the birthday has been viewed incorrectly. I believe you are showing that you love him by saying that the best gift you could have is his health. I think that is unselfish and a nice sentiment.

He is morbidly obese and of course there are associated health risks. Unfortunately only he can make the decision to change his lifestyle. No amount of cajoling will help and in fact may make him dig his heels in.

It could take a health scare but let's hope he can see his future before this happens.

Good luck

MrsGrindah · 23/08/2020 16:08

Another one of those bizarre threads where after a few replied OP goes.. oh yes that makes sense as if they’ve never thought of the opposite view before

Original poster

HappyMum1234 · 23/08/2020 21:06

Yes he is overweight. He is a food lover and finds comfort in food

By mentioning about 90+kg is just a my intention to hopefully be able to see the following change:

to see that he reduces his calorie intake healthily.. (ie. Eat the main meals, but cut down on unhealthy snacks and unnecessary fats intake, where possible). Instead of adding additional lard to a dish which he feels will taste better with a little more lard.

to see him do some exercise [indoor ones like sit ups and push ups (which I currently do) or outdoor ones like jogging or climbing stairs (which we can do together)].

OP posts:

00100001 · 23/08/2020 21:14

You can't change him or make him lose weight.

Tough.

Either accept it how it is, the
encourage and support him when he wants to lose that weight. Feel free to suggest exercises etc, but don't expect that to actually work.

Or decide it's a deal-breaker and end the relationship.

Stop putting pressure on him, it's not your concern and you are not going to be able to do anyy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2020 21:15

He’s put on weight but he was big when you chose to start a relationship with him. Why did you do that if you wanted someone thinner?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 21:19

@mintyfreshh

Mumsnet hates fatties generally and thinks they are walking time bombs.

I can't believe you even know, and remember, your partner's weight.

Turn the tables for a minute, would you be happy for them to memorise your weight?

Doesn't everyone know their partner's weight? I have never weighed my DH, but I do know what he weighs, give or take a few kilos (he's c. 70kg), in the same way that I know how tall he is. There's no difficult memorizing required.

I mean, I see him naked, his weight isn't a secret!

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 23/08/2020 21:24

Unless he's taller than 6'7", he's always been at least overweight. Now he's likely obese. I think it's reasonable to be concerned that your partner is obese, but saying that them being 20kg lighter would be a nice gift to you isn't the way to achieve change here.

I think an honest conversation is needed. If he wants to lose the weight, he will probably need support to do so.

Tiffbiff · 23/08/2020 21:27

Personally I would want my partner to tell Me if I gained weight, it’s never going to be nice to hear, but you’re the person who should tell him. I agree with others saying you want it as a present wouldn’t go down well, but could you work out together? Start couch to 5k? Both do Keto together and commit etc it will bring you closer, help him not feel alone, no need for the gym and have the desired effects also.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 21:32

@AnneLovesGilbert

He’s put on weight but he was big when you chose to start a relationship with him. Why did you do that if you wanted someone thinner?

This. WTAF?! He was already 100kgs when you met him. You told him you wanted him to weigh 90kgs as a gift? I'd tell you to fuck right off with that. Controlling. All the hinting and talk about calories and gyms and that would kill whatever love I had for you. If this was a dealbreaker it was pretty shitty of you to go the whole hog and get married and have kids with him if fundamentally you weren't happy with who he is, how he looks and his weight. I'd be furious if I found out someone had done that to me and now is giving me all sorts of shit passive aggressive hints to get me how they want.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 21:33

No. We don't even own a scale. We never have. I've used them at the gym, but that's about it.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/08/2020 21:35

This is a tough one because he’s at a point where his weight will probably start to impact his health. Being morbidly obese is dangerous and you don’t him to develop a serious health condition. Nagging about it isn’t on, but encouraging exercise and healthier portions isn’t terrible either. He has to reach the decision to lose weight himself but I understand why you tried with the birthday comment- you’re worried about him.

We have a family member who’s got very heavy and her sister is so worried about her health, there’s already been problems. it’s so difficult when you love someone and can see that things need to change- but know they have to make that decision.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/08/2020 21:36

don’t want

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2020 21:39

I have no idea what dh weighs. He looks the same as he did when we got married and I’m sure he’s in the healthy range.

I’d be really upset if dh told me he wanted me to lose weight for his birthday. A serious conversation based around health concerns would be fine, but I think like alcoholism If someone isn’t ready to try and lose weight for themselves they’ll never be successful.

SandyY2K · 23/08/2020 21:39

The losing weight s a gift is a shitty comment.

The fact is he was always overweight. You knew that. Losing weight isn't easy and I don't feel you should ask him to lose weight.

Everyone who is overweight...knows they're overweight and don't need to be told.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 21:43

Nagging about it isn’t on, but encouraging exercise and healthier portions isn’t terrible either.

It's passive aggressive controlling behaviour and anyone who's got a modicum of intelligence can suss that out.

One of my sisters is morbidly obese. She knows. No amount of suggestion or bloody annoying hints is going to motivate her unless she wants to lose weight herself. So I do none of it. Yes, we love her and she has health problems, but she's an adult, it's her life. My mother carries on with the exercise and healthy portions and that, it irritates my sister to no end.

Lay off him! Stop the weight talk and hints. If you don't want to accept him the way he is, then do him a favour and cut him loose so he can find someone who does.

Incrediblytired · 23/08/2020 21:45

I would be devastated if my husband said he wanted me to lose weight for his birthday. It’s just really misguided.

I do think it’s alright to be worried about your partners weight though, it puts people at increased risk of heart disease, diabetes etc. So it would be better to have an adult chat and think about improving the health of the family. My partner and I did this as both of us gained weight and it was ok.

Original poster

HappyMum1234 · 23/08/2020 21:49

Yes.. I have spoken to him numerous times about health risks.. At times he would reply: "being in the healthy weight range does not mean the person is healthy.. Being overweight does not mean the person is unhealthy.."

I only mentioned about the birthday thingy few years back.. As I can't think of other ways...

OP posts:

GetThatHelmetOn · 23/08/2020 21:49

I don’t know. I put a lot of weight on after meeting my partner. At some point he said “I didn’t sign up for this!” and he was bloody right, as a partner it is my responsibility to take care of my own health and don’t let myself go to then claim he didn’t really “loved me as I am” because the person he fell in love with was who I was not what I was becoming.

I saw his words as a wake up call that helped me to find the strength to get myself healthy again.

Truth is that people change through life (some get nasty, some lazy, some boring and some let themselves go) and at some points we find ourselves not liking each other much.

I would say you need to accept people as they come and not try to change them, but if what they have become doesn’t make you wanting to jump in bed with them it is ok to accept you have fallen out of love and walk away.

And yes, I am finding it very difficult to loose weight as I get older but if the attraction dies, should I expect someone to stay with me if they are no longer attracted to me just because it is politically incorrect to pay attention to looks? Nope.

PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2020 21:51

@HappyMum1234

I only mentioned about the birthday thingy few years back.. As I can't think of other ways...

You don’t need to think of other ways. It sounds like he knows he’s overweight but just doesn’t want to lose it. You can control your own reaction to that but you can’t force him to do what you want.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 23/08/2020 21:51

@HappyMum1234

I only mentioned about the birthday thingy few years back.. As I can't think of other ways...

Then you need to back off.

He was big when you met him, he's put on another 1.5st in 10 years. Hardly ballooned by several stone.

Leave him alone! Dear god.

tiredanddangerous · 23/08/2020 21:57

Well you wouldn't be unreasonable to ask. He wouldn't be unreasonable to tell you to fuck off though.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/08/2020 21:58

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia Fair enough, your sister is an independent adult living her own life separate from yours.
But this is the OP’s husband and their lives are intertwined. Presumably, the choices she makes impact him and vice versa. If they have children, their Dad’s potential ill-health will impact them too.

I don’t think it’s “wrong” to discuss health concerns with your partner and suggest they make changes, it’s part of being a partner. My DH has raised concerns (MH-related) with me before and I didn’t see it was controlling.

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