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Original poster

Fiancé on dating sites

40 replies

Mamabear425 · 22/08/2020 21:52

Hi all, hoping for some advice, from impartial mummies and anyone who has experienced similar. I have recently found a tab for a dating website on my fiancé’s ‘frequently visited’ section of his phone. Obviously when I saw it I clicked and saw that he had been viewing girls profiles and sending messages saying hi and general chit chat. My heart sank when someone asked him if he was single and he had replied with yes. Obviously I asked him about it and got an emotional outpour, endless apologies and attempts at reassuring me that it was just curiousity and no intention to persue anything. But it offered little reassurance. I have no proof of how long he’s been doing this, although he says it has been since the middle of lockdown.

The relationship has been rocky through lockdown, and we have two kids that seem to be tag teaming in being horrendously behaved. But I never thought we wouldn’t come out the other side of it.

So I’m 6 years in and the question is... do men every truly look at these sites in an innocent way, or am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak ☹️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/08/2020 21:57

So I’m 6 years in and the question is... do men every truly look at these sites in an innocent way, or am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak

You already know the answer to this question.

Marry him at your own peril. You have been forewarned.

HeeeeyDuggee · 22/08/2020 21:58

So I’m 6 years in and the question is... do men every truly look at these sites in an innocent way, or am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak

No.

workhomesleeprepeat · 22/08/2020 22:01

Hi Op - sorry you are going through this! It’s shite. I don’t have good news from my experiences. I discovered my ex was on dating sites - not much interaction with people but signed up to loads with all his ‘preferences’ - some were sex hookup sites! I confronted him and got the whole of “I was curious/it got out of hand/I’m weak/I’m sorry” for some reason I stayed with him, he deleted all the dating sites. Then a while later he was acting oddly to me, kind of being unkind if that makes sense? Not his usual self. Every time I tried to talk he stonewalled me. So I did the crazy gf thing and went into his phone. Good job I did cause turns out he didn’t need dating sites, he was sleeping with one of his friends gfs and I saw all the graphic details.

What I learned from this is essentially, there’s no smoke without fire. He might not have cheated with me with a girl from the apps - your fiancé may not be cheating on you physically now - but his mentality was a cheating one, and he did in the end. What was he like with women before you got together?

Iflyaway · 22/08/2020 22:02

Marry him at your own peril. You have been forewarned.

Take these wise words to heart.

Get your ducks in a row, get rid and enjoy your life. It can be amazing as a single mum without some dickhead messing with your head.

And one day a better man will suddenly appear when you least expect it. (did for me).

OldKingCole · 22/08/2020 22:05

So sorry this is happening to you.
You know in your heart though what the answer is. X

Belle1983 · 22/08/2020 22:09

I wish I'd listened to my gut when I first saw me exH was doing this. Took another 5 years till I left.

No excuse for doing this. Only my opinion, but they are all steps in a bad direction.

Sorry you're going through this OP. It really is a horrible thing to discover. Flowers

Austereorange · 22/08/2020 22:16

I’m very sorry you are going through this.

I got married to a man who I’d previously caught using dating and hookup sites. He swore it was over and it was just boredom/stupidity. However he was clearly addicted to the thrill of the chase and after we married (3 years after) I uncovered a whole heap of deceit which had gone on since he promised to stop and had since spiralled out of control. The dating sites thrill had moved on the EA then real affairs and he’d got one of his OW pregnant while i was ironically going through IVF.

This is a scratch he’ll have a hard time not itching. If he had a moral filter he wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. Not only does he have the thrill of the act, but now he also has the Adrenalin of not being caught to add to it.

I would walk. Sorry. I wish I had.

LovingLola · 22/08/2020 22:18

What’s your housing and financial situation?
Are you working?

Merryoldgoat · 22/08/2020 22:23

You know you can’t trust him. Nothing good will come from marrying him.

Just end your misery now.

Original poster
Mamabear425 · 22/08/2020 22:23

Thankyou for sharing your experiences ladies, and your right that I already know the answer. Just really struggling to accept it. I know cheats don't come with a sign on their head but he's always seemed very principled about this sort of thing and was hurt by his ex after 10 who was his only other relationship.

I work full time and childcare would be a juggle but I could manage if.

I'm just in bits 😭😭😭

OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 22/08/2020 22:28

do men every truly look at these sites in an innocent way, or am I just setting myself up for more heartbreak

He told the women he was single OP. Shock That is telling them that he is available to meet as a lover, potential partner etc. I don't know why, but to me that would feel the most shocking and damning. He pretended he wasn't with you/you didn't exist. Shock

bigspoonlittlespoon · 22/08/2020 23:30

Dump him

BowowMttt · 22/08/2020 23:51

I’m so sorry OP that this has happened to you! He’s shown you who he is, you don’t need to listen to his excuses. It will be painful and maybe a bit scary in the short term but you will find your way. Remember that none of this is a reflection on you, it’s his fault the trust is gone. Don’t let him make you feel guilty for his pathetic mistakes. Take it one day at a time and get your ducks in a row, good luck Flowers

Buggedandconfused · 22/08/2020 23:51

Nope, that’s it. Game over. He’s got no decent moral compass and you’ll always be wondering. What a snake.

tarasmalatarocks · 23/08/2020 00:22

I’m afraid the most unlikely candidates are often the ones who can’t resist this form of ‘entertainment’ .

Glittergirl80 · 23/08/2020 00:38

You can't possibly trust him after that it'll be on ur mind constantly. you deserve better xx

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2020 00:53

I work full time and childcare would be a juggle but I could manage if.

If you can get your income down low enough to get a universal credit payment, you'll.get 85% of childcare paid - up to cap of a out 1100 a month for two or more kids.

Oh and looking on dating sites is bad enough but messaging women and saying he's single ...... Noone would be surprised if you found out he was cheating in future.

(Not that you could t see what he's already doing as type of cheating).

He's a sly, low integrity, dishonest, piss-taking, untrustworthy, disloyal bit of a rat really. I'm v sorry this is happening to you.

Iloveme30 · 23/08/2020 01:08

Noooooooo
That's not on he's already crossed a line
Don't ignore this red flag girl please ❤️

Antibles · 23/08/2020 01:16

I know cheats don't come with a sign on their head but he's always seemed very principled about this sort of thing

Yes the old 'principled' act, the disappointing, deceitful fuckers. Trust your gut. Sorry it's happening OP.

Mom2K · 23/08/2020 03:17

Dump immediately. This will only be the tip of the iceberg. And even if it's not, how can you ever trust him? He's a liar. To both you and the women he is misleading online. I can't tolerate men who do this (my ex husband was one. Hence he's my EX). Having already been through this once finding them on online dating during our committed relationship would be an immediate LTB from me...and this is without the added betrayal of them chatting women up and pretending to be single (which my ex also did. He claimed he was a single father and his profile pic was of him and our newborn DS.) Angry

birdy124 · 23/08/2020 03:24

hmmm it's bad, but since you already have 2 kids together I would go to therapy together, maybe you can work something out. This happens to A LOT of ppl, and sometimes it can be worked out. unless there are other reasons you wanna bail, I wouldn't just leave based off this, but you need professional help. If you had no children together I would say do NOT get married and do leave him! But your situation is more complicated.

Original poster
Mamabear425 · 23/08/2020 07:50

Thankyou for your kind words guys, I really needed the confirmation in my own mind that it's a deal breaker. God what is wrong with men, why are they never satisfied with what they've got 😭

OP posts:
Wondersense · 23/08/2020 08:19

Even if he had no intention of meeting these women in real life, either of the following is true, or both

  • he's really not happy in your relationship and feels trapped, unable to to tell you his feelings or accept that you both were not meant to be.
  • he has really serious self esteem problems. He likes having his ego stoked by getting female attention. This can be quite dangerous to a relationship because when he's not with you, he could be giving off an impression to other women that he's single, which will lead him into getting female attention in real life. Add on 10 - 20 years on that, when he's insecure about his looks or age, and he gets some flattering female attention from a younger women, and he might find it really difficult not to have an affair or sleep with her.
cheerup · 23/08/2020 09:33

What @Wondersense says. Both of them.

This is not about you and you can't fix it.

I was married to someone like this for 15 years. I knew it when I married him.

I'm separated and mainly single now. Love yourself. Its more rewarding.

yourawizardharry22 · 23/08/2020 11:08

My partner wouldn't do this because he respects and loves me . This to me is cheating . I wonder what he would be like it this was the other way around . I would leave him op . Scum bag of a man x

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