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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No one seems to want a single mum

39 replies

Mumto2chunks · 22/08/2020 21:16

I’m a single mum to 2 young children. I’ve tried a couple of dating apps (bumble and tinder) but every time children come up in conversation (A while in I usually ask if they have any and then tell them I have kids) and I say I have two the conversation just dies. I even had one today insult me and say women with children wasn’t his thing, which is fair enough but I’m feeling so put out. Where am I supposed to be looking? I just feel pathetic and like no one wants me which is sad because I’m young and I don’t consider myself bad looking really. I love my children so much but I just feel like I can’t be single and lonely forever. Any tips anyone?

OP posts:

sunnytat · 22/08/2020 21:19

are there dating apps for young / single mums u can find? if not i'd say honestly just put it in ur bio or somewhere very obvious, so u will only end up chatting w people who are ok with you having kids

DDIJ · 22/08/2020 21:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Eesha · 22/08/2020 21:25

I've never had an issue personally. You've just been unlucky with the men you have chatted to, and might not necessarily be because of the children. Add it to your bio if concerned so saves that chat later on.

Original poster

Mumto2chunks · 22/08/2020 21:26

@sunnytat @DDIJ I’ve put it in my bio and literally no one has matched me since, out of the (probably) hundreds I’ve swiped

OP posts:

audweb · 22/08/2020 21:28

Also don’t take it as an insult if they say it’s not their thing. Count your blessing they are being honest! I am a single mum, I rather hypocritically would think twice about dating someone else with children themselves. It’s not an insult, it’s just what my preference about my life is.

sunnytat · 22/08/2020 21:29

@Mumto2chunks are u on the right kind of dating app? it sounds weird but stuff like tinder is for shagging, n most people don't want to hear about babies in that case. i'd try hinge if u haven't already, v middle class but usually efficient

InfiniteSheldon · 22/08/2020 21:32

Be patient and wait until they are older. In my mid thirties and forties I had men coming out of my ears. My kids were older/dates felt safe I wasn't desperate for kids and I could prioritise better. Young children needs their mums focus and to come first that's not going to rock many men's boats. Enjoy this time of being single it won't last forever.

FastAndCurious · 22/08/2020 21:38

I have “mum of two” in my bio and get plenty of matches, don’t give up hope!

Original poster

Mumto2chunks · 22/08/2020 22:14

I will try hinge, I gave up on tinder because it was mostly boys looking for a shag. I’ve been using bumble a lot today and had a few matches but like I say as soon as I mention kids they fizzle out.

OP posts:

sunnytat · 23/08/2020 01:53

i'd recommend hinge its more proper dating-y. some ppl obviously always want a hookup on all sites but i think hinge has the most long term stuff out there

superram · 23/08/2020 02:05

It’s hard but remember it’s not personal-they don’t know you. When I was young I would have discounted someone with kids, there were plenty of men without them so why look for unnecessary baggage. When I met someone in person through other means it was less of an issue as I knew them. Enjoy your kids and see what happens. As you get older it’s likely more people your age will already have kids so it’s less of an issue.

Saltyauntiepoop · 23/08/2020 03:36

It's obviously not true because the single mums i know seem to have queues of interested men.

Tinder is for casual, fwb, one night stand arrangements not a relationship and as such whether you have children or not is irrelevant in the bio.. as suggested if you want something serious try other websites or apps.. and it could also be that your photos need redoing?

glowinthebark · 23/08/2020 08:09

I was very clear in my Bumble profile that I had children. It gives you the option to say if you do or do not want more (I don't!).

I got plenty of matches and found my bloody wonderful DP through it. Don't give up.

MizMoonshine · 23/08/2020 08:12

I never ever had an issue getting matches after stating I was a single mother. I think it's just the guys your choosing.
I did it both ways. I put it out there on my profile to avoid time wasters and I didn't have it on my profile and revealed it later in conversation to avoid pedos.
Either way, it was not a problem.
With my current partner (who I met on Tinder) I didn't tell him until our first date.

Noneformethanks · 23/08/2020 08:12

I don’t think it’s an insult to say kids aren’t their thing.

I had no young kids please when I was OLD. it really wasn’t an insult I just didn’t want to have to deal with young kids. (Met my DP NOT on OLD but he still didn’t have young kids)

I’m sorry you’re feeling down absinthe it though.

Noneformethanks · 23/08/2020 08:12

*about

Menora · 23/08/2020 08:23

What exactly have you written in your profile? It may be the wording or the profile, sometimes that can need some help and adjustment that’s all

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2020 08:25

It's better to be honest up front even if you do get less of a response. I personally wouldn't have been open to someone with kids, it's not an unreasonable preference.

Are you quite young? It may get better with age.

upupandaway87 · 23/08/2020 08:44

Hi op I would be carful about putting it in your bio as you don't know who's on there . Iv heard of cases that pedos go on these sites looking for women with kids . I would carry on with what your doing but basically be kike right at the start of the convo . Going to pop it in here now so you can decide early on weather you still want to talk to me and not waste your time. It I have two children. Most men in these sites so this to everyone . Also once they get what they want will blank you too so i would say you have had a lunch escape ❤️ keep looking there are some decent ones out there xx

Notcoolmum · 23/08/2020 08:59

Tinder isn't just for hook ups. How old are you and how old are the kids? What type of men are you swiping on. What sort of photos do you have on your profile?

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2020 09:21

every time children come up in conversation (A while in I usually ask if they have any and then tell them I have kids) and I say I have two the conversation just dies

I just feel pathetic and like no one wants me

I just feel like I can’t be single and lonely forever

In the nicest possible way, OP (and I say this as a very single single parent), I think it might be your attitude about being a single mum that's putting them off.

If the conversation dies, could it be because you're almost waiting for their reaction - like you drop the 'bombshell' and wait for a yea or neigh from them? I would consider bringing the DC up in the conversation earlier on before it gets to the point where it's awkward and they have to ask. If it gets to the point where they ask, it may well that they feel like you're holding back a part of your life (and that you think it's an issue) and that's what's making it awkward.

I date women, and in my experience, the ones who are sheepish about saying they have kids are the ones who've had step-parent type issues previously or whose ex (kids' other parents) doesn't approve of their dating or has a contentious relationship. Basically, they come across as awkward about it because they (rightly or wrongly) perceive a potential issue with dating and having kids.

If people haven't twigged I have kids already, it will usually come up naturally if we're talking about holidays or the weekend or whatever, then they can ignore it, pick up on it or whatever and this will give you a far better indication of how they really feel about kids.

I don't know whether your confidence is just low on this issue or generally, but if it's more generally, I would address that with self-help too.

Bagelsandbrie · 23/08/2020 09:28

I never had an issue when I was looking - I met dh on plenty of fish 12 years ago. But I didn’t have it on my profile anywhere, I was worried it would attract paedophiles. I just messaged people and if I felt like we had a sort of connection I would bring it up and only then suggest meeting for a daytime coffee- I met dh like this and we ended up staying at Costa until it shut!

I also met people working in the evenings in a hotel / bar. Is there any chance you could get a babysitter or someone to look after the children so you could do this? Even if you have a daytime job doing even a shift or two a week in a bar or hotel is a great way to meet new people.

galgaf12 · 23/08/2020 09:36

Age could be an issue.

I doubt many single men in their 20s are ready to to go from the single life to father of 2 overnight.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/08/2020 10:04

I had in my profile that I was a mum. No details, just that.
I had plenty of matches but then I was late 39/40 so I guess most people expect women and men of that age to have kids.

Igotmyholiday · 23/08/2020 10:09

I didn't have a problem but OLD can be a good laugh so treat it that way. Don't treat it as a way of I must get a partner. Use it as a way to meet new people and do new things and from that hopefully a relationship will develop. You need to be in the right frame of mind for it and ready for it, it won't fix you, you need to be fixed first.

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