How can you possibly move on with your life when your ex won’t let you. So drained.

[funinthesun19]

I have so many goals and hopes and dreams now that I’m out of the toxic dysfunctional relationship that I was in for a decade.
But my ex just will not let me go. Won’t let me move onwards with my life because he’s so unhappy. This leaves me feeling guilty and responsible for his happiness. He won’t take steps to find his own happiness or make his own life easier. It’s like I have the magic wand and the only thing he wants me to do is take him back. After everything that happened I just cannot do it. He’s had countless chances over the years and now I’m done.

I just want to be happy and focus on rebuilding myself and giving my children the best life possible. And it’s frustrating that he’s still got a hold over me!

Pressed send too soon.

You are not responsible for his happiness. He is an adult and able to make his own choices. You are responsible for your own happiness and need to start taking those steps that will take you away from him and cut the emotional ties that are clearly still there.

He shouldn’t be in your home. Stop that immediately. He can pick them up at the doors and take them out. He’ll never move on if you enable him.

My flat is a mess = clean and tidy it.

My water/shower doesn't work = get a plumber in.

I don't eat properly = buy and cook some food.

I'm unhappy and want to come home = never going to happen. Sort your own life out you whingeing man baby.

Is he in a shit flat because if money? Is that something which will have to be considered?

Yeah pretty much. I mean, it’s not the worst area to live in. It’s in a really nice area. The flat itself is quite nice. But it has a few downsides. The only heating he has got are electric heaters and an electric fire.
There is no gas supply in any of the flats where he lives, and the water pressure is really bad. I don’t think I could cope without central heating for starters. Is it even ok for landlords to rent out properties that have no gas supply?

I’ve told him so many times to speak to his landlord about the problems he’s having with water and the lack of gas supply, and to look for another place to live, and also to get himself on the council housing register so he can apply for a flat on there.

He currently doesn’t work. He’s job hopped for years and right now he feels like he’s hit rock bottom. I do feel sorry for him, but only he can get out of this situation he’s in. He needs to find a stable job and start building a life of his own. And to live somewhere he feels comfortable and happy so that he’s not trying to lean on me.

And he doesn't work?!!

Fucking hell OP, well done for escaping. Were you married? Do you joint own your home?

No we weren’t married thankfully. I live in a council property which I had to get his name taken off the tenancy of. So he can’t come waltzing back in thankfully.

Is it even ok for landlords to rent out properties that have no gas supply?

It’s pretty common for there to be no mains gas in rural areas. Some people get calor, but it’s expensive and a pita. So lots dont.

Oh, and yes, he’s playing you for a fool.

I could have written this OP, literally to the T. He still thinks he can come and shower, eat etc. Its as though he blames me for his failures, he doesnt seem to be happy or make and steps in his life now we are apart but when we was together he always done something to mess it up (cheat, lie...) he tried to stop me moving on by getting people to spy on me, always crying and telling me how he wanted to get back with me. I gave him to many chances. He even got people to talk to me on OLD which put me right off and I stopped it all.

But I had to really sit down and come to terms with the fact he will be miserable regardless and I wasnt happy with him and getting back with him wont magically change that, I was not responsible for his happiness and I am not responsible for him feeling shit about himself because he put himself in that position and when I felt guilty about how his life was going I reminded myself that HE done all this, he could have been happy with me but chose not to be so now I just get on with my life and do what makes me happy and the more I do the more I see him sinking further but it is all his own fault.

You have to just try and push his feelings to the back of your mind and persevere with your own dealings because its manipulative and will drag you down. Once you start realising that he is only responsible for himself you will feel that weight lift and will actually see the funny side and how much he is trying to manipulate the situation for his own gain and that in itself will make you want to carry on moving on.

There is no gas supply in any of the flats where he lives, and the water pressure is really bad. I don’t think I could cope without central heating for starters. Is it even ok for landlords to rent out properties that have no gas supply?

Don’t be silly, hundreds of thousands of properties in the Uk have no gas or central heating. What are you going on about ! Its nothing to do with what you could cope with , you are not living there .

I’ve told him so many times to speak to his landlord about the problems he’s having with water and the lack of gas supply, and to look for another place to live, and also to get himself on the council housing register so he can apply for a flat on there

Why are you wasting your breath ? He must be the only tenant in the Uk that doesn’t know to contact their landlord about problems with the property.

What do you think the LL will do about no gas supply ? There’s no gas in my street - could you come here and pay the £100k to have the gas board install it please ?

Why do you think the council will house a single man who is perfectly adequately housed right now?

Why is it your job to sort out his housing?

You sound slightly crazy with some of these comments ! I can only assume you are so enmeshed with him and sorting out his life for him, you have lost sight of reality and your children’s needs.

All your posts are about Him and what you want to do for him. Where are your kids in all this?

ALLIS0N Honestly you’re absolutely right. Harsh, but right. This is why I’m posting because I know I need a kick up the arse.

All your posts are about Him and what you want to do for him. Where are your kids in all this?

That’s the thing, I don’t want to be doing things for him. I want to be free from him. The kids need my full attention rather than me stressing about him so that they can have a full and happy life. I know all this.

He's an alcoholic and this illness means he is utterly selfish. He wants back so you can fund his lifestyle.

No more setting foot in your home, he takes the DC out or doesn't see them his CHOICE.

All of his behaviour is his choice...

Build bridges with his family so the DC can visit them etc, he hasn't hit his rock bottom and he will do his best to drag you and the DC there with him.

MyLifeWTF So sorry you had to go through all this too. But glad to hear you moved forwards and you and the kids are happy!

He could go and live in a lovely home with his family but he CHOOSES not to, see the pattern here? He is making choices, he has them... start getting angry at him for being a waste of space and choosing not to change.

He probably only visits the DC as an opportunity to work on emotionally blackmailing you!

I don’t want to be doing things for him.

OP you sound classically codependent. You sound like his caseworker. Were your parents alcohol dependent or otherwise addicted; workaholics or drug dependent?

I completely understand why you are finding this so difficult, as your need to rescue is a compulsion. Codependents become completely overwhelmed with other people's lives and the dependent takes full advantage of that, becoming more and more helpless and needy.

You've got an uphill struggle to recover, but there's stuff you can do now.

Reading: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Codependency For Dummies by Darlene Lancer. Check out CoDa which currently provides support via online meetings.

I'd also look into counselling which you can find on the BACP website.

Other things that may help: yoga, qigong, mindful meditation, which all helps to connect you to your body and start noticing your feelings. Codependents often have no idea how they feel or what their own needs are as they are so focused on other people.

OP you sound classically codependent. You sound like his caseworker. Were your parents alcohol dependent or otherwise addicted; workaholics or drug dependent?

Oh no way. I had a wonderful, normal upbringing and my parents have always been normal functioning adults. It’s only when I met him that my life took a turn. I of course didn’t see it for a few years.
My parents, particularly my dad, have been frustrated with him for a long time.
His own family are in denial about his behaviour. They add to the problems because they think I should be making it all work due to us having children. Did all of that when were together and he didn’t change. How long do they expect me and the kids to plod through life hoping he’ll magically change? I can guarantee that if it was the other way around they’d want me out so that I wouldn’t be dragging their son/brother and the children down.

I went to the beach with my dad a few weeks ago and he messaged me that night to say I’ve pushed him out of the kids’ lives and to go and fuck myself. Because I went on a day out.
The funny thing is, I can guarantee that if it was just the kids going with my dad he wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. He would have been in bed until lunch time anyway. It’s because I went and he doesn’t like it because he’s worried that I’m moving on with my life - which I am!!

Offer him fixed contact to take the DC out with him and block him!

You've had some very good advice on here, OP. It's really hard when you are being made to feel like you have to solve all of his life's problems, but well done for taking that first step and splitting up with him - if you've done that you can take the next step, which is to tell him that he cannot come to your house any more and that HE needs to arrange somewhere else to see the children.

Very glad to hear that you have supportive family. Does your mum or dad have a relationship with your ex or his family? Can they talk to them and explain what a strain it is for you being expected to manage his life, or help with the boundary setting or act as a bit of a communication barrier for a while?

Please read @namechange12a excellent and helpful post, she is much more understanding than me. If you were my friend or loved one I would get very frustrated at how you keep going back to him to get more abuse.

Everything is about him. Not how much you and the kids Enjoyed your day out or how close you are to your dad but him. You are obsessed by rescuing him. You couldn’t make him into the kind of husband you want and so your new project is making him into the kind of ex you want.

You say he’s an alcoholic. Have you thought of going to al anon ?

You are obsessed by rescuing him. You couldn’t make him into the kind of husband you want and so your new project is making him into the kind of ex you want.

Gosh, I didn’t think of it that way. That’s literally what I’m trying to do isn’t it? He’ll never be the person I want him to be.

I’d never even thought about going to alcoholic anonymous. Do they help people who have had to live with an alcoholic?

Does your mum or dad have a relationship with your ex or his family? Can they talk to them and explain what a strain it is for you being expected to manage his life, or help with the boundary setting or act as a bit of a communication barrier for a while?

They never really speak to be honest. They know who each other are but they’ve never really had a conversation with them. I’d love it if my parents could do what you’ve suggested.

My parents obviously know my ex very well.

Sorry my last post wasn’t meant to sound off. I’ve just reread it now and it wasn’t meant to sound like that.

Al anon are for the families / loved ones Of alcoholics. They can support you with co dependency issues. You don’t have to still be married or living with the person, it’s for anyone who is affected by someone else’s drinking.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

It might help you and your children deal with your ex’s drinking. It will get tougher for them as they get older and his drinking gets worse.

OP, I'm confused about how he knew you went for a day out ?

Are you posting on SM ?
Did he ask the kids ?
Did you tell him ?

As far as I can see, I'm concerned that you still allow him access to YOUR information/ schedule/ trips. Also you still allow him access to YOUR home. Why ?

Can you not see that continuing to give him information and access, YOU'RE the one giving him the chance to interfere in your life and to 'punish' you as and when he sees fit ??

If you want to move on, then ALL access to you stops apart from a new email address (which you will set up) which is for arranging to see the kids ONLY.

You BLOCK him on your phone, social media, email.....everything.

He doesn't get to come to your house.
He doesn't get to phone you.
He doesn't get to see his kids until he's sorted his flat out.
He doesn't get to know if you've gone for a day out, a night out or a fucking fortnight in Spain FFS !

YOU are NOT his nanny/ keeper/ mother, so stop acting as if you are somehow responsible for him, you're NOT.

Big girl pants on and get blocking him now !