Desperately need some advice please

[FuckinSiemans]

As the title says I really need some advice to help me leave my husband.

I know the first point of contact should be a solicitor but some help from you lovely mumsnetters would really be appreciated.

I have reached the conclusion that my marriage is over. It's not a terrible marriage, although husband is quite emotionally abusive. I absolutely cannot do anything for a year as have teens doing exams next year and I have no intention of disrupting their lives anymore at this critical time.

I have reached a milestone in my life and after finally finding an amazing doctor and sorting out my health I feel I have the strength to leave and actually look forward to a future.

So to the problems. I haven't worked properly in 10 years, although I do some work for my husbands business (obviously can't carry on with this) I need to find some work at the age of 50 with not much experience and training.
Have a house valued at around £900k with a £450k mortgage. Not much in savings and not much in pension.
Husbands business is doing ok but not worth a great deal. Husbands family are very wealthy and he will probably inherit quite a sum when they pass. Although I have no interest in taking the 'family' money and no intention to wait around for them to pass so I could benefit from it.

My children know I am unhappy and have been very frank with me and said that we both deserve to be happy and if that is not together then so be it. Although a divorce would have a huge impact on them financially as I couldn't afford a house in the area we live, wouldn't get a mortgage anyway, so would mean going into some kind of rented accommodation. I'm guessing that because of the age of the children the split would be 50/50 and I really wouldn't want to take anymore than I am entitled to. Also do not want to bring up the emotional abuse as I wouldn't like my children to hear stuff like that about their father, who they both love deeply.
I do have parents who can support me emotionally but not financially and some good friends. Husbands family would cut me off completely as they have done this to SIL who left their other son.
Have other family who I could possibly live with but they are in another country and the children would not want to move there and I couldn't go without them. Any ideas you lovely people on how I should move forward?

Gentle bump

Hi OP I don't have any advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say good luck and I'm sure some wise people will be along soon with some good suggestions.

Stay in the family home. Get your DH to move out.

Thank you for your replies. Don't think he would move out .

Just giving this one more bump

How old are the children?

I think if your children have said that they think you would be better off apart then that is a good start, and why wait if that is the case. It's not like it would be a shock to them. Don't waste any more of your life.

@Veiaola

I think if your children have said that they think you would be better off apart then that is a good start, and why wait if that is the case. It's not like it would be a shock to them. Don't waste any more of your life.

This. They are on board. A divorce doesn't have to be acrimonious so the kids would be minimally impacted. See a solicitor, get the house sold while the market is bouyant and crack on before another lockdown is my advice. You could be in your own paradise away from the knobber place by Easter 2021. The longer you wait the more likely something will happen to stop you leaving.

I'd start by seeing a solicitor.
If your own kids are aware of your unhappiness then I'd question the value of staying for an extra year.
They dont need to hear details btw, how would they know what's said in the divorce?

Personally if there had been any type of abuse then I'd take him for every penny I could, especially if you have concerns about your future employment opportunities.

Good luck.

Thank you all so much for the replies. The children are 18 and 15. I just feel to move now wouldn't be a good idea. They love living here and it is near to their schools. I would have to get a much smaller house and that wouldn't be great for exam revision. I desperately don't want to disrupt this time for them.

How much longer will the 18 year old be there and at school?
Are the DC the same sex?

You probably wouldn't move house immediately - it usually takes months.

Are you making excuses to not move on in your life? How old are you - are you a young mother or an older mother?

At the very least I would urge you to seek legal advice because knowledge here is power.

Their current house is not the sanctuary it should be for them or for you, their lives are under great strain as it is. Exams in the great scheme of things are not the be all and end all and can be retaken. Prevaricating because of their exams is really no basis to be putting up with your current H's emotional abuse of you and in turn them for another year. It will do them too no favours for them to further see that and they've seen more than enough already. In another year too you could well find another reason not to leave, rip the plaster off now and do not waste any more of your life.

It will do your children no favours to see their mother suffering financially because she didn't get the settlement she deserved.

When your children tell you they think you would be better off apart they are telling you that they dont want to have to live in the same house as the animosity any more. It's horrible and stressful. Have you talked to them about the fact that if you and your husband separated then they might be in a different house?

You sound lovely and caring. Please also take care of yourself.

5 years ago I was your age with children a little younger. I ended my marriage and my life now is so, so much better. It's daunting but don't hold yourself back. You absolutely need to see a solicitor, ideally a few so that you can find one you think you can work well with. Your situation financially is probably better than you think. Don't under value your contribution to the family just because it's not been money.

Aim to get the much smaller house in the same area. If you take equity from the house and then rent you will not be entitled to benefits because you have savings.

Your DC will be home for probably not much longer. They will cope in a smaller house especially if they like the area and their friends are still close by. Consider a flat if that is what you could afford. Get yourself informed Try the next suburb over too if it is cheaper
See a solicitor and maybe a career counsellor. Can you get back into the field you used to work in? If so I would put out feelers and apply for jobs. You can tell your H you want to prepare for the empty nest. Otherwise work out what area you would like to work in and what you need to do to get there.

Start gathering financial information. Make sure you know about his pension as well as your own.
Accept advice from a solicitor or two about what you are entitled to. If they say more than 50 percent, don’t shortchange yourself by accepting less.
Good luck

Personally I’d spend the next year getting a full time job ( unrelated to husbands business was) so you can get a small mortgage over 10-15 years if you need to
The inheritance a red herring.That won’t affect your settlement. Could be years off, and could be nothing if spent in care homes, could be left to cats home or who knows!
See a solicitor to understand possible outcomes and go from there

I would concentrate on trying to find work too as my first step. I know now isn’t a great time for jobs but it would still be my focus. I’d also look into whether it would be worth gaining some further qualifications?

In no specific order -
There really is no point in hanging about if the children know .
It may be that you are allowed to stay in the house until your last child is out of full time education and then you and your H will split the equity .
He will legally have to pay some maintenance for your younger child.
Surely your current role gives you some transferable skills ? You may have to do anything to get by e.g. work in a supermarket .
You really need to talk to a solicitor to find out what you are entitled to ?
Perhaps you may need to get a forensic accountant to look at the business . You will be entitled to half of pensions and savings.

There is no doubt that you are left poorer by divorce and sadly many men walk away from marriages where there are late teens /early twenties still living at home and pay nothing or take no account of living space . Speak to a solicitor or couple of them to get a feel for one you feel comfortable with .

I planned to leave my husband when our daughter was 18 but things came to a head when she was 15, we seperated and he moved into private rented.

Our DD passed all her exams except English Language (which she retook snd passed) but got on the college course she wanted.

My son (my husbands step son) was at Uni at the time and he graduated this year with a 2:1.

Please do not use exams as an excuse.
Your children are unhappy, you're unhappy, the only one who isnt is your husband, so get the ball rolling now.

Definitely get yourself a job outside of your husbands business so you canhave some of your own money because he will cut you off straight away when you announce you are leaving.

Feel free to ask any questions, my divorce was finalised in January this year

Thank you, to answer a few questions
The children haven't said we are better off apart. We have had a few arguments during lockdown and the children said that they just want me to be happy. I think they would dearly love for us to stay together but don't want me to stay married to their dad if I'm unhappy.
I am currently going through the menopause and when I spoke to my doctor she said it's probably best not to make big decisions at the moment.

The home situation isn't awful, I just know I want and deserve a happier life going forward and I can't see that being with my husband.
We are in London, so very expensive and to buy another property here for myself would be near impossible.
The eldest is thinking of going to a London university so will be at home for a while longer and they youngest is taking GCSEs next year and then will probably stay at school for A levels.

I'm really not making excuses to leave it for a year but I just can't see that it would be practical?
I have started a course of HRT, which has been amazing and has cured my anxiety and given me my confidence back. Before, I could not imagine trying to find a job, not through laziness but I was just too anxious. Even to the point of going to the supermarket. But now I think I could try, just don't know how easy that would be at my age and with no real experience or qualifications.

I think I will look into getting some qualifications in some area, just not sure which field yet.
Oh and sorry for my poster name, I forgot to change it when I was on here moaning about my washing machine
Also, to the person stating about the inheritance, I know I'm not entitled to any and more to the point I don't expect any

In the short term you dont have to worry about a career and what qualifications you need, just apply for any jobs that take your fancy so you get in to the world of work and then as your confidence grows you can make decisions then.

What work do you do in the business?
Is it admin/accounts related?
Do you enjoy what you do?
If it is you could find a similar role in a organisation somewhere. Right now the amount of money is not important, what is important is that you have your own income.

How are you declared on the business?
I know some controlling husbands declare more wages for their wife than they give her and then keep the difference.
You dont want to end up with a tax bill.

Start getting your ducks in a row - scans of birth certificates, passports etc emailed to yourself (maybe start a new email address) and keep all of those together somewhere safe.

Get copies of any savings, investments, pensions etc and as new letters come in you can copy those letters to.

Put the house up for sale and use your share to purchase another smaller home in a more affordable area?

Thank you all. I think I will concentrate on getting a job. Any job, just to get the ball rolling.

I know it will be hard but I do actually think I will be happier in the long run. I can actually see a future for myself which before I couldn't and was dreading the children leaving home. This is why I know I need to act over the next few years and not waste anymore time. I do think that I need to go slowly though as I don't want to do anything that I may regret, especially big financial decisions.
What is the best way to find a solicitor? I don't know anyone that has been through a divorce that I could ask for recommendations.
I have had some really great advice, thank you again

HRT is amazing and you get back to being yourself after a while on it. So over the next year or however long it is until the last one takes a last exam get organised and a bit grey rock if you can so his behaviour effects you minimally and as other PPs have said get to a solicitor or two and get a real picture of what you are likely to be entitiled to. This will also give you more confidence and more ability to deal with twattery. The thing that will really help you get through though is making secret plans for how you are going to live your life when single right down to the wallpaper, bedclothes, vases and candles. This will make it all bearable.

Sounds like you have a decent size house, can you seperated from dh just now and go to seperated parts of the house for now? Not ideal but myself and stbexh did this for 5 months until he moved into a flat.
Also if you got your pay out from the house would that not end up being £250k? Would that not be enough for you to put a decent amount onto a lovely flat?
Sounds like your kids will be OK with a change which is great. I know you are saying wait a year but that's a year of your life and life is so precious, you have to make yourself happy is all the advice I can give