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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband told me to “shut up” after storming off

39 replies

Springtime003 · 22/08/2020 12:58

I am coming to terms with the need to split from my husband of 7 years due to his disrespectful actions. We have 3 young children together & overall it’s good but and things have got worse with the pressure of COVID and the third.

We both work and sometimes opposite shifts, he is completely disrespectful when we enter an argument. Examples he has said “You are a pest” “shut up” “I can’t stand you”.

He always storms off and I never get to explain my feelings. He says it’s “my fault” for annoying him/ embarrassing him arguing in front of the children etc. Which I know is a major red flag. He says there is “no talking to me” but he won’t sit down and have it out like an adult so I give up.

I am not perfect and I have said insults such as prick etc. But I am willing to discuss with him where as he refuses. I feel the bad arguments are not worth it and I would rather be on my own and in a calm environment at home/ for the children.

Overall I do more childcare than him despite working same hours. Yesterday after taking them out he stormed off after an argument starting from something minor didn’t say bye to the children. Blocked me from the phone and said I can deal with the children this weekend.

Feels upsetting as plenty of married couples get on really well but we are just too different.

He wants to remain living in the family home but will only late at night or when I’m not around so we swap which feels uncomfortable. Not sure how to progress really.

OP posts:
bakedoff · 22/08/2020 13:00

Sounds like there’s too much conflict. You might be best off asking him to move somewhere else and splitting childcare

Lockdownseperation · 22/08/2020 13:03

This sounds like an awful environment for you and the children. What do you want your life to be like this time next year?

Original poster
Springtime003 · 22/08/2020 13:06

Yes I don’t want the children to see this going forward. I wouldn’t mind splitting the childcare even if I end up doing a bit more, but not sure he will agree to move out. It will get toxic if he stays.

He really thinks I am the issue ! I feel like I’m in a parallel world.

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 22/08/2020 15:28

I feel like you're as bad as him if you're calling him a prick to be honest.

Is the house in both of your names? If so then you can't force him to leave anymore than he could force you to leave. Are you financially able to move out? Do you own or rent? Perhaps you could both leave and set up two smaller places.

I think that now you have decided that you want to split you need to look into how this could work practically and financially.

Muser314 · 22/08/2020 15:30

Yeh, you can't have your children growing up seeing it as normal to have mum told to shut up.

converseandjeans · 22/08/2020 15:51

You sound just as bad tbh.

Muser314 · 22/08/2020 15:56

Did you read the op @converseandjeans
OP has tried to talk to him. He won't have a conversation.

converseandjeans · 22/08/2020 16:00

I am not perfect and I have said insults such as prick etc

I would say that is worse than 'shut up'

Muser314 · 22/08/2020 16:03

It's not my place to defend the OP as she can do that herself, but the core issue is that she's been aware for 7 years that the marriage isn't working, because her husband will not have a conversation with her. He stonewalls her, he storms off. He tells her she's in charge of the children this weekend. She does most of the housework even though they work the same hours. It's funny, it's like we're reading a different post!

Muser314 · 22/08/2020 16:08

@Springtime003 when somebody WILL NOT have a conversation with you it's because they're telling you indirectly that they will not change. They will not do more around the house. That is what your husband is communicating to you through the medium of anger (name-calling) and storming off.

Mumsnetters often suggest sitting down and having a reasonable conversation. And so often, these threads wouldn't be up if that were an option for the poster.

I know my x wsa not open to a reasonable conversation because he was not motivated to be reasonable. Ie, meet me half way. Be respectful to me. See things through my lens. That would have meant he had to compromise a little. He would rather have endless rows and bad feeling and storm off than treat me as an equal. Because basically in his eyes I was not his equal. So it did genuinely infuriate him that I asked for respect and consideration. But also, his overt anger was a tactic to make me back down. Because he didn't want to split up. What he wanted was that I put up and shut up.

PoetaDeLosSandwiches · 22/08/2020 16:09

In a way, it doesn't matter who is worse. OP doesn't see a future in the marriage. And I agree it must be an awful environment for the children.

She needs to start thinking about what kind of future she does want for herself and her dc. Then decide what to do to get there.

Ori82 · 22/08/2020 16:14

It's the "I can't stand you" bit that would finish me. That to me would signal the end. There's no coming back from that.

june2007 · 22/08/2020 16:15

When you are both in calm frame of mind you need to say things have to change. Either you both try hard to save your marriage perhaps try relate or counselling? Or you have to end your marriage and then work out how to do that. But things can not stay the same.

Original poster
Springtime003 · 22/08/2020 18:47

Yes saying you prick etc is bad I know. However it mostly stems from him flying off the handle over small issues. He will often say leave me alone and lock himself in the bathroom. He will not apologise where as I easily can say I was wrong. My gut feeling is something happened in his childhood as I know his mother did not get treated well by his father. I thought that would motivate him to do better but unfortunately not.

The main issue is if I am upset he is really
Cold and still refuses to talk. I said I don’t feel well enough to go to work and he said I should just deal with it like he does. To me that is really nasty. Basically he is emotionally not there for me. Maybe a different woman’s personality would match but I’m too sensitive. He really improved as we had this issue around 5yrs ago but it’s come back since having the third.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springtime003 · 22/08/2020 18:48

I’m not sure he will go to counselling. I feel sad as I love him but what’s the point in being upset 80% of the marriage.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 22/08/2020 18:56

you say you love him but he has to lock himself in the bathroom to get away from you.
you sound like you are hounding him.
endlessly going over things doesn't help.
people need space. and quiet.
he has as much right to be in the house as you do. if you are married and it is the marital home. it is his home.why should he leave.
try to be civilised. do not argue in front of the children.
maybe you are expecting too much of him. he sounds stressed.

thedancingbear · 22/08/2020 19:05

Telling someone to ‘shut up’ is an entirely acceptable response to being called a ‘prick’.

I’d be interested to hear the other side of this one.

LemonTT · 22/08/2020 19:18

I’m in team it doesn’t matter whose to blame.

It’s obvious that as a couple you don’t have a relationship where you can sit down and “have it out”. Although I’m not sure that’s a healthy thing anyway. Sometimes disagreements just have to acknowledged and allowed to rest.

It’s time to face up to that. Either seek outside help to make you grow as a couple or call it day on whatever it is you think you have. Your primary responsibility as individuals and as a couple is to your children. If that means change then do it well. Don’t make things worse by finding new levels of blame and points of argument. Because whatever happens you will still have to parent together.

faithfulbird · 22/08/2020 19:40

What do you want do? Marriages are hard work and sometimes things can change. I don't blame you guys arguing with COVID going on and 3 kids. It must be hard work and you both must be exhausted. Have you tried not saying anything to him? Then when you do need help with the kids ask him nicely or just normally.

Me and my hubby used to argue a lot and I used to think very negatively of him. I didn't realise how tired he was from work etc and he didn't realise how I felt. Little things have changed here and there and somehow we don't argue anymore. Avoid using bad words and if he says anything say you're so rude in a normal tone and leave it there. Get on with whatever. Let him ponder about what he said and he will feel guilty.

I split duties with husband too so if once he's had his rest/nap. I'll tell him I'm not feeling so great. Maybe could I have an hours rest or something and after an hour I'll come down. Atleast that way you both won't be in each other's way.

Also, please for the sake of your kids avoid arguing, shouting or saying bad words in front of them. It really does affect them.

faithfulbird · 22/08/2020 19:46

Most men aren't mature enough to sit down and discuss things as it makes them uncomfortable. They also have a hard time apologising. Tackle it a different way. Maybe get a takeaway or something for all of you to 'make up'. If he doesn't say bye to the kids. Make the kids say bye 'say bye to daddy....go give him a hug and kiss'. It's all about stroking his ego slowly....it will take time. In return hopefully you'll get him to be nice to you and care.

Lockdownseperation · 22/08/2020 19:57

@faithfulbird

Most men aren't mature enough to sit down and discuss things as it makes them uncomfortable. They also have a hard time apologising. Tackle it a different way. Maybe get a takeaway or something for all of you to 'make up'. If he doesn't say bye to the kids. Make the kids say bye 'say bye to daddy....go give him a hug and kiss'. It's all about stroking his ego slowly....it will take time. In return hopefully you'll get him to be nice to you and care.
This is very low standards. If you spend a long of time stoking his ego then hopefully you might get him to care? I have expectations of my 4 year olds behaviour.
faithfulbird · 22/08/2020 20:04

It's not about stroking his ego. It's about being nice to him and being patient and seeing what happens.

faithfulbird · 22/08/2020 20:07

Not all men come from families who sit down and have a nice chat discussing their problems, then resolving them. Sometimes they learn after marriage or being in a relationship. Some are just stubborn.

Original poster
Springtime003 · 22/08/2020 20:20

Food for thought. Yeah I probably do hound him at times but I’m frustrated from not having a conversation. We don’t have a relationship where we can have it out. He would ideally revert to normal after a few days without discussing. To me that’s not healthy

OP posts:
random9876 · 22/08/2020 21:08

You say the problems have come back. What is he like when he is nice? You can’t stay in something rubbish forever but 2020 has been a very challenging year, and three young kids is a lot. Is there a good ‘you and him’ and in what way does it differ from now? I kind of feel that if you both know how to be happy sometimes, that does give more hope than if you’ve never been happy

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