Husband told me to “shut up” after storming off

[Springtime003]

I am coming to terms with the need to split from my husband of 7 years due to his disrespectful actions. We have 3 young children together & overall it’s good but and things have got worse with the pressure of COVID and the third.

We both work and sometimes opposite shifts, he is completely disrespectful when we enter an argument. Examples he has said “You are a pest” “shut up” “I can’t stand you”.

He always storms off and I never get to explain my feelings. He says it’s “my fault” for annoying him/ embarrassing him arguing in front of the children etc. Which I know is a major red flag. He says there is “no talking to me” but he won’t sit down and have it out like an adult so I give up.

I am not perfect and I have said insults such as prick etc. But I am willing to discuss with him where as he refuses. I feel the bad arguments are not worth it and I would rather be on my own and in a calm environment at home/ for the children.

Overall I do more childcare than him despite working same hours. Yesterday after taking them out he stormed off after an argument starting from something minor didn’t say bye to the children. Blocked me from the phone and said I can deal with the children this weekend.

Feels upsetting as plenty of married couples get on really well but we are just too different.

He wants to remain living in the family home but will only late at night or when I’m not around so we swap which feels uncomfortable. Not sure how to progress really.

We don’t have a relationship where we can have it out. He would ideally revert to normal after a few days without discussing. To me that’s not healthy

It depends what that means tbh, there’s a huge difference in never being able to talk about anything and going over every single disagreement. While going out without saying goodbye to the kids isn’t ideal, I wouldn’t need to have a conversation about it beyond “the kids wondered where you were, you forgot to say goodbye”. He’s clearly telling you to back off a bit - he shouldn’t need to hide in the bathroom to get you to stop talking.

Really learn how to pick your battles, I think social media and Hollywood are hopeless fir making folk think they need to talk about every single thing, you really don’t.

@Springtime003

Yes I don’t want the children to see this going forward. I wouldn’t mind splitting the childcare even if I end up doing a bit more, but not sure he will agree to move out. It will get toxic if he stays.

He really thinks I am the issue ! I feel like I’m in a parallel world.

From your initial post it reads to me like you get on his nerves. You both need to have respect for one another's personal space I think.

You should sit down and work out your issues but not at home. Do it somewhere public so you can remain calm

Whobhere has never told their other halfto shut up? Fuck off? Prick?

Weve said worse to each other ' i cant stand you would be a deal breaker thoigh

You are both completely disrespectful when you enter an argument. Examples he has said “You are a pest” “shut up” “I can’t stand you”. You have said “prick” etc.

The only difference is that when he is stressed by being insulted, he gets the flight impulse so he goes and hides in the bathroom but you get the fight impulse and want to just have a blazing row to get everything in open and vent your anger. So you folllow him and probably keep shouting insults at him.

If he had a childhood with abuse, then when an argument gets to insults and shouting, he will probably have flashbacks occurring of actual violence making him wish to avoid and flee the situation. It doesn’t help that you won’t respect his need to converse about problems normally without an argument or insults. His refusal to have a conversation, or a planned argument is because he knows it will escalate to you calling him a prick, etc.

It is also terrible example that you will do this infront of the children. He is right you are embarrassing him unfairly. Calling their father a prick in front of them and him saying “shut up” and walking away is actually the most mature action here. Children should not be forced into watching their parents argue and you should be keeping things as normal as possible when both around the children.

I think you need to consider how to address issues in a healthy way which includes not arguing about everything because it sounds to me like you have a tendency to over argue while he is the opposite and is very non confrontational. You both will need to meet somewhere in the middle where he is encouraged to have the conversation with you, but also have an escape word that you will respect to pause the conversation if it gets too heated or emotional.

My husband and I have gone through bad patches of him not listening which escalates my rage!

Have you thought about counselling? You have three kids and overall it’s “good” - there is a lot to lose here. What you have is a communication issue on both sides with two exhausted parents

I should add we both grew up in horrifically confrontational families and have had to learn a lot. I’m much more laid back and he will pick at things with the kids but I have learnt to choose a time to raise issues. Never in front of the kids. No matter your rage. It destroys them

In amongst all the comments about the OP saying worse, this seems to have passed under everybody's radar

Blocked me from the phone and said I can deal with the children this weekend

Who would put up with that from their DH? Not only is this man ignoring his wife but his kids too. I'd call him a prick as well, just for that.

Do you regularly swear at him and call him a prick?

I just wonder which comes first - are you having an argument and he tells you to shut up so you call him a prick, or do you swear at him and so he then tells you to shut up?

If someone regularly swore at me called me horrible names I would be telling them to shut up at an absolute minimum. That language is awful especially as you have three kids.

Do either of you get any space from the children and each other? Is it possible to arrange things so you both get some time alone? Being all cramped at home together 24-7 won't be helping anyone's temper.

It's all about stroking his ego slowly

This is the worst advice I have read on here! You are not there to stroke his ego so that he is 'nice' to you. He is emotionally distant, detached and you are not a team.

He needs to move back to his parents and give you all some space.

Personally if dh blocked me and said you deal with the kids this weekend, I would have the locksmith over and his stuff in bin bags by the door. I would ask him to meet me on Monday in a neutral place to discuss terms of separation.

There comes a point when you have to cut your losses.

Rolling my eyes so hard at the people saying OP is just as bad. Her husband sounds like a straight up gaslighting, abusive nightmare, and if the worst she's called him is a prick she's a goddamn Saint.

OP, if he won't move out, can you? You have to take away his power to just dump you and freeze you out when he's throwing a temper tantrum. He'll see that he can't just storm away when it's his turn to have the kids, and he might actually have to deal with his and others feelings. PRICK 😉

Sounds toxic. Can you move out with the dc and share childcare, or if he won't then you may need to look into paying for childcare. You can then push the divorce through and sell the house as part of this.

Just curious - how did this situation resolve?

Sounds similar to what I’m experiencing. Have you had a look online at avoidant attachment . I’m not excusing his behaviour but some people who are avoidant shut down during conflict and just can’t manage it . It dosent make the other partner feel very loved or secure . I would suggest saying ‘ I know you don’t want to talk right now . Let’s have some time out but I do need to discuss this . Let’s meet this evening to talk ‘ if he still refuses then I’d suggest therapy for either both of you or just you to support you in how to manage conflict/ his avoidance going forward xx

Omg. I don’t even know what to say to this… OP, disregard.